Topic : 03/21 When In-Laws Cross the Line

Quote From: our4sons

My point is, you are not addressing yourself. Your post are full of what they did/do & what they won't & aren't doing. You need to address your own behavior first & foremost.

 

"Relationship rescue" is a wonderful book the addresses this topic. It's about marital relationships but the point is the same... you can only change you & that all you can do, address you.

 

You posted, "It is just, be like me, understand our culture and family or get out!  That is what has happened."

 

Well, do it! Respect that that is their choice. Areasonable person would do that.

Quote From: jasminebaby

No sure where you are coming from in not wanting to be a friend to your children.  This is when they are adults.  He lived with us til mid 20s.  His father and him had a lot in common.

 

The new bride is not jealous.  We have never even been close to them.  We live over 1000 miles apart.  We and I love our son, DIL and granddaughter.  We know our son better.  Our DIL has not given us the opportunity to get to know her.  She cut us off.  The 3 times we have been together - staying with them, which is admittedly hard on any inlaw relationship (but due to distance) - conversations have been so shallow.  We are not demanding.  In three years, we have spent like 3 weeks together.  Not enough time to know any one very well.   We don't get calls or emails to respond to.  We send them, with no response now.  

The bride's mother has a history of stopping talking to people.  She has done it with other family and friends.  That is the way she deals with differences or whatever.  But I never thought it would happen to me for she was so loving and talked to me as if she wanted our families to be so close.  And she emailed and talked to me on visits prior to the marriage.  After the grand daughter came, it changed.   Go figure?  I don't understand this behavior.  It is not good for anyone of the families involved.

 

The reason my husband called the police is because of the big change in internet usage - we communcate with blogs and also have a website, that our son manages.  No activity for weeks and no phone replies at work phone made us worry.  We thought they moved in with Mother in law there, waiting to get into their home - but did not know where they were.  With all the horror stories you hear on TV today, it is important to let family know you are alive.  We honestly were worried something happened.   (Besides that we were regularly getting phone calles from a financial institute looking for them too)  So I think this reaction is really a normal reaction for a normal caring parent.

 

We are not nuts.  We are very concerned for our family and do not understand the separation.

 

So do you have MIL problems that you would reacte this way?

 

I have had a nurse practioner, who was caring for me during a visit, share we me her MIL problems.  Afte she asked me why I was so sad.  Her comment to me was if she has a MIL like me, she would count her blessings.

I don't think you know my heart or me at all to make these evaluations.

 

I am deeply hurt and love all my children.  And all I want is reconciliation.  I do not want control over them.  I want communication with them.  And the ability to support them.

 

Looking for some real advice!

Quote From: rettsgem

I've been a mother-in-law three times and am looking to another time when I will welcome another one into the fold.  :)  The situations I saw on the show today were too shameful for words.  I find it hard to believe that adults are behaving so badly and even criminal.  Unfortunately, it was a sad reminder ot how things were with my own mother-in-law many, many moons ago.  She died in March 1991 after a brief battle with cancer.  Her son, my husband, had to go to  the Gulf with his battalion and I came to her from Germany to be her care-giver with Hospice.   At first she tried to make it as hard on me as she could.  And I wanted to leave that place and go back to Germany where my little doggie was and pray for my husband's safe return,  but I knew I couldn't.  My husband was in a dangerous place and his mother was terminally ill.  Finally I had had it and made plans to return to Germany.  Before I was to leave her, I sat down in front of her and told her what would might be like after I left.  Strangers would be taking care of her and they would not put up with her shannigans.  She relented and asked me to stay.   It was hard being there and still stressful but minus the animosity like before.  I could deal.  After years of having this woman verbally abuse me and try to break up my marriage, the last thing she told me before she died was, "I love you".  

Quote From: loveyourshow

 

I usually do not get involved in message boards etc but I felt compelled to write.  I watched the episode with the mother in law and daughter -in law and I just wanted to ask if there is something else going on. 

 

My own mother, who is 61 years old, three years ago started saying terrible things to me and mean things to my children and when confronted always denied ever saying those terrible things or she couldn't remember.  It has been three years since our big confrontation and we had set boundries with us and the children but she always would not follow them and would always deny that she did something or said something wrong or couldn't remember.  She is now being tested for dementia at my expense as my siblings stand up for her as they do not live close to her to see her behavior.  She has now been, starting this year, saying mean things to friends and other family members.  

 

Because of me starting to look into the testing my siblings and other family members do not want to talk to me and my father says that I am the black sheep of the family as my mother says terrible things about me and I moved away 6 months ago across country and her behavior continues.

 

I feel by watching this show today, my mother acts the same way saying " on the bible I would never say that" but in fact she did but can't remember so of course her innocence is very convincing as she really believes that she has done nothing wrong.  Unfortunately in my case setting boundries did not work as she would constantly disrespect our wishes but could not remember doing the things she did.  You have to realize that one day she would call and say " you are damaging your children and I can't wait until they are sixteen so they can leave you and move in with me"  then the very next day or even that evening she would call and in a happy voice say "hi how are you" not even remembering what she had down earlier that day.

 

I hope that these people can work out their problems but please look into early dementia symptoms and maybe that would explain the bizarre behavior or possibly a medication is causing a problem with behavior.

 

Good luck

 

Quote From: wentom1998

Well the whole time I watched the show for the second time?? DR Phil never once put any blame on the husband? He was accused of cheating, he never stuck up for his wife before or during the show. He was a true husband he would have told his mother off a long time ago. He should have told his mother off totally when she filed charges against his wife!  If I was her husband I would have kicked my mother out permanately from our lives.  DR PHIL you blew it totally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Think about it, if the husband would have stepped up to the plate and handle the problems prior to the police, his wife would be in the situation she is now?

Quote From: kimmaci

I saw today's show for the first time.  Just 2.5 weeks ago, I was arrested by my 'daughter-in-law' and sat in a jail cell while my husband had to bail me out.

 

History:  My son's 18 yr old girlfriend was kicked out of her home 20 months ago - right after graduating high school.  We thought we were doing a nice thing, and knowing she would go off to college in the fall - allowed her to move into our house.  Her parents pulled her college funds and we were stuck having her live with us.  Our son was a senior in high school at the time. 

 

Our worst nightmare happened - she got pregnant - and we strongly believe - on purpose.  Here we are 20 months later.

 

Our son graduated from  high school, and they are going to community college and working 'a pt job'.  Our lives have been hell since she moved in.  She's lazy, won't help out around the house AT ALL, and is extremely disrespectful towards me.  My husband and I work professional FT jobs, but our 2nd job hit us when we walked in the door.  Many time the baby was 'thrown' at us to care for.  Of course we had our regular times we babysat, which we committed to, while they were at school/and/or work.  Kayla had a sense of entitlement and was so disrespectful.

 

After a couple months, we noticed her 'blow-ups' and home disruptions were about 30 days apart.  Hmmm. PMS?  Finally, my husband and I found a therapist and went to see her.  We needed help with the kids.  They had no direction, desire, or maturity - we needed help.

 

Two months ago she had another blow up and called 911 "to find out about custody laws were."  Of course, the police were dispatched to our house.  My son told me over the phone and I rushed home.  Two cop cars in my driveway!  How devastatingly embarrassing.

 

30 days later - blow up again - only this time she went to the police station, made a report, and I was arrested on 3 charges of Domestic Violence.  Her parents who have not assisted with one thing since she moved out (by the way, we gave them both a car, cell phones, paid all the bills, even paid for 90% of the things for the baby- where her parents have never even bought him a gift) they have taken Kayla and Aidan in, but not our son.  He was welcomed there -but after one week - they let him move in.

 

I feel our son has turned his back on me.  We have begged her to go to the prosecutor and tell him she doesn't want anything to happen to me - but she's too lazy.  She can't be bothered.  While I was sitting in a jail cell - she had the nerve to tell my son, "I guess I won't be able to move back in, huh?"  I have always known she hated me, and during our argument - she shouted 5 times, I HATE YOU.

 

Now, I'm going through the legal process, and although the prosecutor told my husband he has no problem dropping the charges - I still can't get over this.  It's absolutely crushed me.

 

We haven't seen our grandchild - she won't let me.  She'll let my husband - but not me.  My husband says we're a team - if I can't - he won't.  She has no desire to mend our family. 

 

Where do you go from here?  I won't be held by her emotional hostage.  My husband and I have come to terms we won't see our little Aidan any  more.   How do you heal?  I know they are young, but she has anger issues and hates authority figures.

 

Quote From: jasminebaby

Why would a reasonable person separate from their family? I do not understand.

It seems to me it is the opposite. A reasonable couple would want to have some connections to both of their MIL and Father, for their wisdom and for the blessing Grandparents can be for a grand child.

I already realise I cannot change them. And I am the only person I can really change.

In family relationships, as well as marriage relationships, I don't know if we are ever to try to change one another. Would it not be more desirable to just work at trying to understand one another, appreciate one another for who we are, uplift one another. Yet, this does not eliminate challenging one another's thoughts or ways. And sometimes that just simply happens in the process of getting to know one another.

My husband and I have been happily married 31 years. Some days more happy than others! Many of these days are hurting because of our loss of these relationships with our son and his wife and our grandaughter. We love and miss them very much.

And we simply do not understand.

It is almost as if young couples today MAY be watching TV about toxic relationships with Oprahor watching Dr. Phil with horrible sad families. And so they decide to adopt the idea for themself. Is this possible?

I work in the medical field with Behavioral services and mental health clients. It is very very sad, what folks have to deal with in broken homes.

So I don't understand why more effort would not be made to restore and maintain a family relationship that does not have the problems to cause such a rift. We have both had some financial problems. And we have a distance issue. But these are not problems that can not be overcome.

Family is everything. Why break it?

What benefit to anyone is there to hurt one another so deeply? For what purpose?

Please tell me what you are suggesting I look at.

All are sinners/and fail. I admit that. I confess that. And if I know anything specific, I want to correct it and/or discuss it as needed.

I definately do not want to be unreasonable.

Don't you think if a son and DIL make the decision to cut off all communication, return no calls, or emails, that that is unreasonable? That seems very immature and selfish to me.

Please explain your thoughts for me.

When we were first married and through the years, as our own kids were growning, we probably did not call our parents as often as we shoud.But we called and wrote regularly. And they called us and we talked to them. I even talked with my MIL, who was very differnt than me.

We had our own life now together as a family. So I do understand the need independance and their own life. I do not understand divorcing us, elimnating us for contact. I don't understand why that would be reasonable or even healthy.