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Topic : Coping with the Death of a Child

Number of Replies: 757
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Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 03:28:03 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Losing a child is especially traumatic, share your memories, stories and support with others here.

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September 29, 2006, 4:22 am CDT

Anniversaries

A dear friend lost her 17 month old daughter to SUDS a year ago yesterday.  This anniversary has been very hard on her and her husband(as has everyday for the past year) . They also have a 13 year old daughter who is acting out (I believe it to be a direct result of her grief, but they are to entrenched in their own grief to be able to deal with her behaviors)  I am afraid that they are falling apart at the seams because of their grief!!!.  Any advice on how to help them???  They are in counseling, but it does not seem to be doing much good.  THey only see the counselor once a week, and they struggle with the issues every second of the day.
 
September 29, 2006, 5:53 am CDT

I also understand

Quote From: mlazanis2003

It was just one year on 7/16/06 @ 1:40am that I lost my son James to the monster/deman of addiction. Everyone that new him and met him loved him.

He worked 24/7 and owned nothing. He was a carpenter and was building the Panthers homes here in NC.

My heart aches all day and all night.

Only a mother like you really knows.

 I lost my 19 year old son almost 2 years ago to a drug overdose.  Having a child die is enough for a parent to take but sometimes there is a stigma to the ones that die from drugs.  Soon there will be a grass roots attempt for a nation wide organization like MADD only it will focus on drug addiction.  Take one day at a time and try to focus on something that makes you "happy".  I now belong to a Victims Impact Panel.  Once a month I tell teens the story of my son, Keith.  Take care of you.
 
September 29, 2006, 5:58 am CDT

Help for grieving mothers

Quote From: alwill210

Five years later and it's still not easy.  I lost my daughter and best friend at that same moment of her death.
 Just wanted other mothers to know of Compassionate Friends if they did not know of this group.  It is a support group strictly for those that have lost a child.  There are meetings across the country, but if you are like me and the meetings are too far away, this group is on-line.  Also for those that have lost a child to drug addiction as I have, the site GROWW has a chat room twice a week just for those parents.  I am always willing to talk to other Moms especially those with the drug related issue.  Take care to all of you.
 
September 29, 2006, 7:03 am CDT

Losing Twins

About 2 years ago, I found out that I was pregnant for the second time. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I was so happy to be pregnant again, but also very scarred. When I went for my first ultrasound, they told me it was twins. I was so happy. My husband couldn't believe that we were going to have twins. Later we found out that they were both girls. They were due in November. So, when I started to have labor pains in July, I really didn't think nothing of it right away. I was 22 weeks pregnant when I went into labor. My doctor told me to go to another hospital about an hour away. So, I went and picked up my husband and we left. By the time I got to the other hospital it was to late to stop my labor. I delivered my twin girls on July 27. 2004. Kelsey the first one born weighed only 1 lbs. , her sister Katelyn only weighed 13oz. They both lived for about an hour and 45 minutes. The doctors said that there was nothing they could do for them. I was very hard to sit there and hold my little babies and just watch them die. I wish that the doctor's would of just tried to do something. They did nothing. Till this day, I still think they could of been saved. I miss them very much and have there picture up on my wall. I had 2 other miscarriages after I had them. Then I told my husband that I want to try one more time, and if something went wrong, we wouldn't try anymore. I now have a son, Damien, born 6-17-06. He was a little early and only weighed 5 lbs. at birth, but he is doing good. I still really miss my girls, and my son will know that he had sisters, but I just try to be strong now, and take care of him. Sometimes it's really hard. I just want to let people know, if you are in a situation like mine, Don't give up. God, will come through.
 
September 29, 2006, 12:01 pm CDT

I also lost my son

My heart goes out to all of the parents who have lost children.  The young and the old.. My son was 24 when he died.  He had been diagnosed at the age of 21 with a rare genetic disorder called FAP, which is a disorder that causes many polyps to form in the colon,  and had to have his colon removed.  He developed colon cancer before it was removed. The doctors said there were no traces left of the cancer.  About 18 months later he started losing weight and had an unusual bump on his sternum as well as a pain in his arm and belly....After all the needed tests it was confirned that the cancer had metastisized to other parts of his body...He now had the colon cancer in his bone and liver.  We were devastated.  He was scared.  He fought and fought hard.  He endured almost another 13 months of chemo, radiation and surgeries.  He was funny and wonderful.  He loved life and his family.  He fought so hard. We as a family cared for him.  He died at home in my husband and my arms....he fought to die as much as he fought to live.  He was so kind and caring and would do anything for anybody even when he was feeling sick and tired from treatment.  I know he was my only son and I miss him so very much every minute of every day.  I can't wish him back with all the pain he endured.  That would be selfish.  I loved him so much I have to live with that loss for the future of my daughters who also miss him and loved him.  My strategy of one day at a time and taking care of myself is getting us all to a point that we can do our lives day by day.  I have my faith and God walks me through all the good and bad times.  He has been with me all along and will not leave me. I believe that my son is safe in God's arms and that we will all meet again.  I wish all of you a place of peace in your hearts with the loss of your children.  God Bless you.
 
September 29, 2006, 1:22 pm CDT

Very difficult!

I lost a son 3 years ago and each day is a struggle, he was 41 years old. David suffered from anxiety and fell down his stairs and broke his neck. This is the worst possible thing to happen to a mother and I just don't know how to get through this. I work part-time to keep my mind occupied but I can't get out of this rut. I just cannot believe this happened to me. I am married but not to my son's father and sometimes I wish he would have died instead of my son, after all...he is not related to me and many widow's re-marry at some point in their lives but you can't replace a child. My son dies because he didn't have health insurance thus he had to go to a clinic run by the State which has the very worst Doctor's and they just didn't care. I have a solid wrongful death case, but I don't have the money to have the lawyer's pursue the case but I am still trying because everyone need's to be aware of this, it could happen to any of us. Thanks for listening.

 

Sheila

 
September 29, 2006, 4:26 pm CDT

Coping with the Death of a Child

Quote From: shebee39

I lost a son 3 years ago and each day is a struggle, he was 41 years old. David suffered from anxiety and fell down his stairs and broke his neck. This is the worst possible thing to happen to a mother and I just don't know how to get through this. I work part-time to keep my mind occupied but I can't get out of this rut. I just cannot believe this happened to me. I am married but not to my son's father and sometimes I wish he would have died instead of my son, after all...he is not related to me and many widow's re-marry at some point in their lives but you can't replace a child. My son dies because he didn't have health insurance thus he had to go to a clinic run by the State which has the very worst Doctor's and they just didn't care. I have a solid wrongful death case, but I don't have the money to have the lawyer's pursue the case but I am still trying because everyone need's to be aware of this, it could happen to any of us. Thanks for listening.

 

Sheila

Shelia,  I think it's really great that you can work part time to keep your mind occupied...It is also important that you still pursue your wrongful death case, so you can feel the satisfaction of speaking for your son because he can't do that part now.  I think I would have done the same. It is not unusual for you to wish your spouse died instead....he is not your child.  But the facts remain that your son is gone and you miss him.  You have to keep your life moving forward because you need to speak for him in his case that was created by having a system that has tons of holes in it and incompetent healthcare.  I hope your husband gives you the attention you need and the many hugs that you deserve. Good luck to you.  Laurie
 
September 29, 2006, 10:36 pm CDT

Loss of my son

My son died at 7:30 AM on December 16, 1989 at age 21 from an accidental shooting. My life has never been the same since. Unless you have experienced this you have no idea what it is like. The is nothing to compare it to. The first year was horrible, every holiday I kept thinking I need to get through these firsts.. The second year it hit me, I'm going to have to struggle through each and every holiday and anniversary date until the day I die. On January 1, 1990 we moved out of the state, I lost all my friends, family and support. I was so lost, it was horrible to be so alone in a new place. I was a stay at home mom so I didn't even have a job to go to, I did have a 6 year old daughter and a 19 year old son. I kept sane for them.  A few months after the move I joined a support group "Compassionate Friends" they were a great help. I think one of the most important things I got from the group was to keep on living and try to live as normal of a life as possible. I saw so many people that had lost a child that quit celebrating holidays, quit going out. I vowed I would not do that to my surviving children, they had already lost enough with the loss of their brother. I would not take away the joys of holidays and birthdays from them. There is never a day that I don't miss my son, but for him I will grab life by the tail so when we meet again we will have lots to talk about. I wish each and every one of you love and peace.
 
September 30, 2006, 11:19 am CDT

I'm a survivor..of two children's deaths..

After reading all of your experiences on this message board, I felt so compelled to register and write a message which I hope will be of some help to others.

We lost our first born child, a daughter, at 3 1/2 mos. old, following heart surgery.  I was blessed with a second beautiful healthy daugher, born ironically, on my own birthday.. I truly believe a direct gift from God himself.  Two years later I had a beautiful baby boy, born at 2lbs, 2oz., again, a miracle child, who survived and is now a healthy 17yr old fine young man.  Two years after he was born, a fourth child, another beautiful son.  He was diagnosed with a heart defect at birth, but with the reassurance of all the medical doctors that was nowhere as serious as our first child's.  When he came home, my living children were 2 1/2 yrs old and 5yrs old.  He was the light of all of our lives... a special child that brought my husband's and my troubled marriage back to life.  Nine months later, it was decided that he too, would need heart surgery, again, with the reassurance of the doctors that this was a common surgery with a 90% survival rate.  Unfortunately he became the 10% statistic which loomed in our hearts, and passed away after the surgery of sepsis, a very serious infection, a clear eye opener that lightening can and does strike twice.

However, after many days and nights filled with despair, guilt and sorrow while moving through the grief process, acceptance finally came into my heart.  I began chosing to focus on all of the wonderful gifts that were actually bestowed upon all of us... extending to nurses, doctors, friends, family..all those who were lucky enough to experience both of my children's presence into their lives no matter how brief.  I began to believe that their short lives brought life lessons to all of us, including my living children's lives then, and today, which would not have been possible if not for their seemingly untimely deaths.  It has restored my faith even more, not less, that God's plan was what was meant to be.  Holidays were also painful, the loss so obvious especially then, while we are grieving their presence, however, we began a tradition in our little town to hang Christmas ornaments on a large tree downtown every year in honor of their memories.  The first year a handful of people showed up, after several years, many people attended... friends and families handing personalized ornaments to the volunteer firefighters who hung these precious momentos high on the bows for all of the city to see...and remember.  It was a positive and healing way for all of us to commemorate the holiday in a spiritual way so as never to forget... but to also move on to celebrate in the present, with our families for the remaining season.

I believe the greatest gift we can offer our living children after a death in the family, is to be the example of surviving, with grace and acceptance, in a positive way so that they will have the ability to do the same, knowing that in some time in their lives experiencing the death of a loved one is inevitable, but not unsurvivable.  My children have been blessed with the opportunity of a lifetime... truly a gift from their brother... an appreciation for life, and loved ones, and friendships ... knowing that our time here on earth is not promised any of us.  A lesson they would never have learned in a book, or a classroom, or teacher.

So my only purpose here is to offer hope to some of you who are struggling in the grief process.. never give up hope that you will find innerpeace and acceptance with tears of joy over sadness, in your hearts someday.  I am living proof after surviving two children's death...that it is possible.. God Bless you all...

 
September 30, 2006, 12:09 pm CDT

I Also know...

Quote From: keiths_mom

 I lost my 19 year old son almost 2 years ago to a drug overdose.  Having a child die is enough for a parent to take but sometimes there is a stigma to the ones that die from drugs.  Soon there will be a grass roots attempt for a nation wide organization like MADD only it will focus on drug addiction.  Take one day at a time and try to focus on something that makes you "happy".  I now belong to a Victims Impact Panel.  Once a month I tell teens the story of my son, Keith.  Take care of you.

.....my son was 28.He died June 12/06 of a heroin overdose.Sometimes i think i have a handle on this grief business then i will suddenly be laid flat by that breathless/kicked in the chest feeling i got the minute i heard.You all know what i mean.It definitly changes our lives forever.

~Peace to you and yours~

 
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