Topic : Coping with the Death of a Child

I am SO sorry for your loss! I too lost my daughter to a car accident on November 8, 2003. Jessica was 14 and the center of my world. She touched so many lives, as your son did, and that was evident at her funeral when there were over 2.000 that came to the viewing and there close to 900 at her funeral. It amazes me how young people can touch so many lives in such a short period of time! One of her fears was that she would be forgotten if she were to ever leave this earth. I told her that I wold not let this happen if I were still alive. Well here we are, and I talk about her everyday, I keep pictures of her posted on the internet, I have submitted some poems of hers for competition and they are now forever written in a book. I had stickers made that people can put on their vehicles with her name and her basketball number. Baskteball was her life! I have 3 of those stickers on my car. I do anything and everything I can to keep her memory alive so that her fear is never seen.

 

Thank you for sharing the Virtual Memorial Website! I went there and have started Jessica's webpage. 

 

Your son certainly is hansome and again I am SO sorry for your loss!!

 

Hugs~ Debra

I lost my only child...by beautiful 17 year old daughter in a car accident nearly one year ago.  I have read at least 15 books on the topic, but none of them address very concrete issues like when and what to do with her posessions.  I have not been pressed to disassemble her room...  At this point I'm wondering what is best....Will it be harder to do it later?  Will I regret it if I do it too soon?  What will I do with the space?  Should I just leave it all as it was...until I move? 

 

I am interested in hearing the experiences of other parents on this topic.

 

Jennifer

I to lost a child, a boy 22 yrs of age on July,22, 2006.  I have one bit of advice.  My daughter and I went thru his things shortly after he died. He had his own place so it took awhile.  Start now and do it at your own pace.  Its difficult and all at once can be very over thelming.  Keep the special things and put them in a safe box that you can go back to for memories.  I know you said you were not pressed for time but if you wait there will be a time limit on you to get it done. God bless you and may the lord bring you peace and strength to get thru the difficulty of the task of going thru our childs belongings.

 

 Sinderely,    Heather  {Matthews mom} [pic of my son and his girlfriend]

Lost my beatiful daughter to a car accident at the age of 14 on November 8, 2003. She was my only child at that time. I was still living with my soon to be ex, sleeping in her room. I met my current husband and moved out of that house. It was hard on my family to have her room dismantled. I recommend taking your time, doing a little at a time. Doing what YOU are comfortable doing, and I would NOT do it alone. It may not seem like it will be all that overwhelming but you would be surprised at just how overwhelming it CAN be. Something we did for family was to go through her clothes and take what was special to us and my sister, bless her heart, made quilts for us. My daughter was involved BIG time in basketball, playing for school and AAU, so she had numerous tshirts that we all picked out and we used her pajamas as filler peices, we used jeans, we used whatever was special to us. Now we all have a something that we can wrap up into that was hers. She made one for my dad, my mom, my sister, my ex, and for me, as well as for herself and her children. I can't begin to tell you how many times I have taken that quilt and just wrapped myself up in it and cried. It is very comforting for me. Something else we did, we seperated out the things that we would like to have, things that we shared memories with her, trips or whatever and I allowed family to have those items. I have a cedar chest that I filled with things that I wanted to keep. And, I still have tubs full of her belongings that I just can't get rid of yet. I now have a 20 month  old son who I have now passed on alot of her belongings too, like ALL her books from the time she was born until her death. I had kept alot of her toys and blankets that he now uses. I do have some of her things sitting out, that are special to me,  in each room of my house. Her presence is here in my new home.

Just some ideas. But, I did learn that you can't do it alone, I tried..... and it takes time, so do it little by little! Again, everyone is different and deals with things differently so you do what is comfortable for you and in the time frame that is right for you.

God bless and I am SO sorry for your loss. If there is anything else I can do for you I am here and check this board daily!

 

HUGS~  Debra

I am SO sorry for your loss and I feel your pain of losing a child! I lost my daughter to a car accident when she was 14! The pain never seems to go away, sure the "bad" days are futher apart, but the pain never eases. It is different for everyone, but we all can certainly understand. We grieve everything that they would HAVE done in their lifetime. I know I do. I greived her graduation from high school, her going off to college, and this past holiday season was rough for sure. But, we tredge on because we know our loved ones would want us to. And be sure they are happy and singing up there in heaven and wanting the same for us!

I can't imagine the pain you feel and I hope that it eases soon for you Sweetheart!

HUGS~  Debra

Debra, I'm really falling apart here, Do you think you could write me? I've taken fifty pain killers and 75 sleeping pills since Tuesday. I can't stand being awake and facing life. I do try, doesn't help though, every waking moment is filled with pain, Who wants to be awake for that?  How do you do it? How do I stop this? I don't know if I really even want to stop. I'm just afraid I'll die from over dose one of these days and of the shame and pain that would inflict on the couple of people who do care.

I read what you write to others though, I think you're a very special lady.

Love Sylvia

Sylvie! You can't keep doing that to yourself and survive! You need some serious help that I am not able to give you because of my lack of education. I can only speak of what I know through my own experiences! I know it hurts, I know it is hard to see the sun come up everyday, I know it's not easy getting out of bed BUT YOU HAVE TOO! We do that for our children, here or not. We were their rock when they were here on earth and we continue to be their rock. They watch us, they know what we are going through. Your son WANTS  you to BE HAPPY! No your life will NEVER be the same, BUT, we find other ways to get through the day, we find other things that CAN make us happy, sure we always going to have our stubbling blocks, but that is when we go back to taking those baby steps. We, as parents, will never truly be "over" with our grief. We bounce back and forth between the different stages. BUT, that doesn't mean we can't have a "normal" life. I made a comment in one of posts and it is one of my favorites. "And remember, moving on doesn't mean we are letting go of our child, doesn't mean we are forgetting, it means that we have come to a place where we can gracefully and lovingly carry them with us for the rest of our journey here on earth."

I AM BEGGING  YOU TO FIND SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP SYLVIE! You deserve it, your family deserves it. You are going to end up dead VERY soon and how unfair is that to your husband, to your daughter, TO ME who just met you and wants to keep getting to know you?!?!?!!?!?

 

LOVE, Debra

You need to let me know that you are OK! I have been worried sick about you since I read your post!

 

HUGS, Debra

 I hope no one gets mad... but I am coping with the death of an unborn child. I really wanted to keep but could not keep it.  I found out I was pregnant and my mom kept telling me its was a biggest mistake i have ever made. I had to  have an abortion despite wanting to keep the baby.  My mother wouldnt even consider me giving it up for adoption or getting her or my bf family to look after the baby once it was born. Only my bf and my mom knew about my pregnancy. My mom  told me that it would be impossible to keep  him/her because of financially, almost finish with my college education,  and because her and my dad were moving to another country.  I been so depressed and where i went to get it done left a big impact on my emotionally and physically. I will tell anyone at its the worst pain in he world and I would never do it ever again. DO NOT DO IT. Save  your unborn child give it up for adoption. I wish i went with my gut feeling. You would think for being a 23 year old that I still had to listen to my mother. I feel stupid for chosing my education and my bf education over our unborn child. But he too had a hard childhood where he hardly had all of the thing a child wanted untill he was 10. So i didnt want him also to recindle what he went through.

I hope no one is offended.