Topic : Coping with the Death of a Child

Oh Sweetie, I am SO sorry for all that you have been through! I have a sister that was in your shoes, although none of us knew until AFTER she had it done and we only found out because she started to hemorrhage and we had to take to the hospital. Who are we judge another for their actions. We may not agree but we do not judge, not our job to do so. I STRONGLY suggest you get some counseling! My sister went through really bad times for just over a year after she had hers. Just to let you know, she is now married with 3 beautiful children. Have we ever talked about it? Nope. I know in my heart it is not something for me. When I was pregnant with my daughter at the age of 21 my Mom tried to suggest the same thing. My fiance and I were barely making it on our own let alone bringing a child into the picture. But, we managed. She was a God send to me at time in my life when all I wanted to do was die. My fiance was abusive and I ended marrying him anyway. That lasted 8 months. Had I not had her, I am positive I would have killed myself. Then on November 8, 2003 I lost her to a car accident. I can't begin to describe the devastation. She was my only child at the time. But, again, we manage and find our way. I now am remarried and have a 20 month old son at the age of 41! There is SO much waiting for you out there. But in order for you to get there you have to get through this first. Deal with every aspect of it or it will continue to come back and haunt you. You cannot change what is done, so you need to focus your energy on accepting it and moving on. I can't express getting professional help enough though. I wish you grace and peace.

HUGS, Debra

Dr. Phil,

My nephew just committed suicide on Feb 3, 08 and my sister, brother-in-law and my nephews twin sister are having a very bad time trying to cope with this tragedy. I was just wondering if there are some books that you can tell me to get for them.  We are trying to keep our faith in God but it is so hard to get past this. He was in a very deep depresson which none of us even knew.

Thank you for your time

Janice

I am so sorry to hear the loss of your nephew! You and your family are still in the very early stages of grief and in the "numb" stage of things. This is our bodies way of protecting us until we can deal with the tragedy. We slowly wake up from this "numb" stage and when we do things could get worse for some. I strongly suggest contacting your local hospice chapter, they have alot of resources available to you and your family that would be beneficial. There is also a group called "The Yellow Ribbon" group that I know of here in Michigan, I am unsure weather they are a national chapter, but it was established specifically for parents that have lost a child to suicide. But, again your local hospice chapters would have information regarding that. Some of you may be ready for the help and some may not. You all will grieve at a different pace and feel things differently. Allowing one another to experience their grief at their pace is key to recovery, and it can be the most difficult process. I am So sorry again for your loss. I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.

HUGS, Debra

     Thank you Debra for all of your kind words, i passed your letter on to my sister and my nephews twin sister.  We all are having a terrible time trying to handle this.

  Thank you again

   Janice

What you are all going through. I have never had to experience this kind of loss and hope I never do. No one should have to suffer this kind of pain. No parent should have to suffer the loss of a child! It is the most God awful heart renching pain. That I can relate too. I wish I had answers, wish I could take the pain away, but I can offer you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It DOES get better over time. Time is the healer and the enemy here but I promise there will come day when you will be able to breath and it won't hurt so much. Hang in there, and take those baby steps!

HUGS, Debra

June 17th ( father's day) 2007 was my daughter Robyn's baby's due date. On June 11th we had a baby shower for her. We laughed and had tons of fun. We watched her belly as the baby kicked. It was also that day we found out my oldest daughter  Angel was also pregnant with her first baby. It was truly a happy day. Two days later my daughter went to her last baby appointment it was this day that we found out the baby had died. Sometime in the last two days my little granddaughter went from kicking to dying.

 My daughter opted to be induced for labor rather than wait for it to happen naturally. The only problem was there were no beds readily available so she had to go home and wait for the hospital to call her. The wait lasted four long hours. During that time my daughter didn't cry and didn't want to talk about it. She went about her day playing with her 2 year old like nothing was wrong. Our hearts were breaking for her.

  After hours of labor the baby arrived, stillborn. Robyn and her husband held their little girl Leah Rose for the first and last time. Finally the rest of the family was allowed in. I stayed behind a few moments, I wasn't sure I wanted to remember my granddaughter like this. But finally I went in. My daughter was sobbing holding her little girl in her arms. My daughter looked up at me and the pain in her eyes was probably the most heart wrenching experience in my life. I couldn't begin to fathom what she was feeling. Robyn asked if anyone wanted to hold the baby and nobdy said anything. I gently took my granddaughter in my arms. She looked so beautiful, she only looked like she was sleeping. I started patting her back, I guess out of instinct. Finally everyone in the room asked if they could hold her.

 Tests were done and the doctors could not find a cause for Leah's death. So we just call it Pre birth SIDS.

  The days that followed were equally as hard. Instead of celebrating Father's day and what should have been Little Leah's birth we were making the last arrangements for her funeral. Time has eased the pain some but it's still an everyday thought.  And it's been a rather difficult time for my oldest daughter as well, especially since a few weeks later she found she was having a girl. My daughter's together had made plans that their children would have been 6 months apart and how much fun they would have together.

  Robyn seems to have gotten on with things but is constantly starting new projects to keep her oocupied. She got a cat but then a few weeks later got a puppy and now wants to get rid of a cat. She has sunk herself into romance novels. every few weeks it's something else. She wants so badly to have another baby, but her husband had a vasectomy one month before the baby was due and refuses to reverse it.  My other daughter  is paranoid about her baby and SIDS. She is constantly grieving for her lost niece, and having crying bouts. I can't get either one of them to go to counseling. I feel so lost as a mother with all of this.

On march 8th ,2008 it will be 5months that God took my 5 year old little girl home to heaven.She had cancer and she fought it without ever asking why did this happen to her.Here Iam asking God every day every minute WHY GOD WHY?!  How do I go on without a little girl that made me so happy ,made me love life ,smile ,laugh I was so happy and now all there is  is pain ,sadness and loneliness.I want to hurry up and do what ever it is that God wants me to do in this life and make him happy so I to can go home and be with him and my sydnie.I would never take my own life I'm to scared of that .But I m not afraid to die ,because when its my time to go home I will be with God and Ill finally hold my daughter in my arms and we will never say goodbye again.life seems so long now its like I'm searching for something to make it hurry up and go by because I cant wait to see her .Whats really sad is that I have a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful boys I love then so much and If God said to me what do you want to do ,stay with your family or come home.I would choose to go home. I have seen 2 Therapist who did not help at all, tried 2 antidepressants didn't help .The only thing that kind of helps is reading the Bible and any book that talks about heaven.I'm trying to be strong I think on the outside I'm pulling it off OK.but in the inside I'm so sad.How how do i do this?