Topic : Coping with the Death of a Child

 I also lost my daughter on 2/2/05. She was 20 years old and 33 weeks pregnant with my granddaughter. My daughter started experiencing major headaches and went to the Dr. only to be diagnosed with a viral sinus infection. Laster that evening she started to have convulsions with 911 called and she was taken to the local hospital ER. I was like a nightmare to hear your daughter had a 50/50% chance to live then later to find out the % was reduced to 10%. The emergency doctors completed a spinal tap and found she came down with bacteria spinal menegitis. It is such a feeling of disbelief and feelings that this is not happening to us. This is something that only happens in the movies.

The delivered my granddaughter by C section and she was transported to another hospital with a neonatal unit. A beautiful 4lb 14oz baby girl. She was so beautiful and perfect.

In the meantime, the doctors placed my daughter on 2 extreme doses of antibiotics and we hoped for the best. You know, you talk about how mothers know things. As everyone was trying to maintain optomistic, I could look at my babies face and see she was gone. All I could do is pray that God's will be done. Well, after 24 hours, we were informed she was brain dead. It that time, we were intruduced to a nurse that discussed organ donation. My daughter was only 20 and had so much more life to live. Her time was over, it automatically decisioned the right thing to do was to donate her organs. Out of that decision, wonderful miracle have occurred. A 21 years old girl can now live, laugh and breath for the 1st time since she was 14 due to the donation of Stephanie's lungs; her heart was motorcaid and flown a great distance to save the life of a 22 year old college student. It was a matter of life and death, what a blessing; her left kidney went to a local man that is also doing very well; her right kidney went to another gentleman that I hear is doing OK. The gebtlement that was going to receive her liver became ill at the time of the surgery so the transplant did not occur. Her pancreas went to Miami for iclet (?) cell research hoping one day to find a cure for diabetes. So far I have heard from the lung recipient, left kidney and heart recipients. 

Each of these recipients lives continueing due to Stephanie's gift of life has been faith inspiring and healing. Although not a day or hour goes by that I don't miss my little girl. For the first time in my life, I now know what a broken heart means. I have always been one to feel with my heart.

My granddaughter...prior to my daughters death, my daughter asked me to help her raise my granddaughter and my immediate response was Yes. Upon my granddaughter birth, I was by her side everyday waiting for the day to bring her home.

Well, Grandparents do not have rights to love, raise and fullfill her childs wishes. According to Flrida law, the father has all riights. This father was not capable of raising my granddaughter so he gave partial rights to his mother (the other grandmother) This whole matter has been a challenge and heart breaking. If it wasn't for God... The father has taken no interest in the baby and the other grandmother is not well. Here is sit watching this little baby go from here to there and have no stability. My heart breaks for the day I see my daughter again to tell her I did not fullfill her wished.....As you can see, this has been traumatic on us all. I will never be the same person again. But, I have to move on. It has affected my spirit, health, happiness and marriage. (another topic that I could use Dr. Phil for... 

I do understand your pain.  It is tough to lose a child...at any age.  I was thrown back at your statement that it is the hardest thing to lose an adult child.  Not to be hurtful or to take away the grieving you need to do, but a child lost at any age is painful.  There is no comparison of age when  it comes to burying your child.  I volunteered in the local newsletter for Compassionate Friends  a few years after I lost my 15 year old son to an accident.  A mother called me up crying, wanting to submit a memorium for her daughter.  Her daughter was only 3 months old.  She told me that her pain was more than mine because I knew my son.  I heard his voice.  I laughed with him, I sang with him, read to him, played ball with him...all things she will never do...so in everyones perspective, it hurts just as equally so at any age. 

My thoughts go out to you as  your grief is fresh.  God bless Isaac in heaven and to all the parents who have lost a child at any age.  It hurts no matter what!  Helen

On October 14 of this year, we lost my 7 week old great niece, apparently of SIDS.  The entire family was and is grief-stricken over her death. Though she's often in my thoughts and prayers, I'm wondering if it's possible to grieve too much, for too long. I'm concerned for my niece, the baby's mother and for my sister who is the baby's grandmother. It seems like every time I speak to one or the other or see them, they're talking about our poor little baby, or going through photos, crying (which -  I'm no monster, I've cried plenty too) and I'm worried that they're dwelling on this. My sister's latest endeavor is a memorial on a website and though I think it's a nice and loving gesture for her granddaughter, and after crying my eyes out when viewing it, found it disturbing that my niece's 8 yr. old son "lit a candle" on the site, asking his baby sister to please come back. 

I feel it's time to pick up and try to begin healing and moving on. The baby has an older brother and sister who need their mother's time and attention. My sister's health is poor due to an aortic aneurysm and she's not supposed to have any stress, though this whole ordeal has been very stressful.  I hate to see her add more stress by concentrating so intently on the why's, how's, what-if's and so on.  My niece had been battling depression before the baby, lost her uterus after delivering and is suffering from post-partum depression as well.

Is there a right time to move on and start living again or is it up to each of us individually? I realize we'll never ever get over the loss of little Gabrielle, but I also don't see anything good coming out of letting her loss consume my sister and her daughter.

I'd appreciate all feedback. Thanks.

Auntie Debs

I experienced a loss of a child in a different way- miscarriage.  I was 12 weeks pregnant and on top of the world when it all came crashing down.  I miscarried on August 28, 2006- my 21st birthday.  I don't know how to move on and have no one to talk to about it.  My husband is dealing with it in his own way, quietly and solely.  I would be 20 weeks pregnant today if I hadn't miscarried and can't stop thinking about my baby that died.  Does anyone have any advice on how to move on?  I have wanted a baby as long as I can remember and this just seemed like the right time and I feel like my body has failed me. 

Amanda