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Topic : Coping with the Death of a Child

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Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 03:28:03 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Losing a child is especially traumatic, share your memories, stories and support with others here.

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debra232006
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May 15, 2008, 8:10 am PDT

Thank you

Quote From: bstellanow

My firstborn son was murdered on the streets of South Central Los Angeles at age 17, 34 years ago.

Here's a regular conversation when I share with someone about Brandon's murder:

 

Was he a gang member? No, he wasn't a gang member, was actually one of the first African Americans hired at El Pollo Loco restaurant. You probably shouldn't have let him hang out so much.  Actually he stayed home at least 98% of the time and I use to try to persuade him to go out. South Central is a horrible place! Actually, growing up there myself, I found South Central to be  a truly wonderful part of my life, memories and experiences. We we able to play outside till the streetlights came on. If you did something wrong the neighbor's would scold you and then tell your parents on you. Our teachers inspired us, cared about us and put in lots of work after work.

Brandon was killed on the streets he grew up on, around the children he used to go to school with, by young men who I hope will one day be free from this lifestyle. Brandon was a beautiful spirit that blessed us for seventeen years. Some unfair things that happened to my son and the circumstances behind his murder left me bitter for 13 years, it is only these last few years that I have been free. The one thing that still bothers me is when people say either of these two comments to me: 'shouldn't you just get over it' or 'I know what you are going through' (and they have not lost a child). I am getting close to getting over these two comments, but they still sting nonetheless.

for sharing your story with us! I am so sorry for your loss!

 

I have problems with those two infamous statements as well 'shouldn't you just get over it' or 'I know what you are going through' (and they have not lost a child). I lost my 14 year old daughter, Jessica, to a car accident on November 8, 2003. Unless you have lost a child, you cannot possibly understand that pain and heartache a parent goes through. And each parent will feel different at different stages of their grief, because we are human, because of our different backgrounds, different beleifs, and just our upbringing in general. No two people will grieve the same, BUT... we as parents know the depth of our grief. That we all have in common.

 

Brandon sounds like an awesome child! I know you must miss him terribly. Thank you again for sharing your story with us! I hope to hear more from you in the future!

 

~Hugs~ Debra
 
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bunny628
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May 15, 2008, 9:23 am PDT

I am sorry

Quote From: little_feather

I understand what you are going through.  I lost my oldest boy on January 28, 2003. He was 22 years old. It is strange, but sometimes I look at his picture and talk to him. Does that sound weird? It is so hard to let go. I've had my own other kids, older kids, tell me I need to quit dwelling on it, but it is so difficult. He was their brother, yes, but they did not give birth to him and raise him.  He went to live with his real dad out in Nevada after his dad and I divorced and I ended up meeting someone else, who happens to be younger than myself.  Well, my new beau and my older kids did not get along. So, my oldest boy left me and went out to his real dad. I feel like if I had not been with this other man, my older kids would not have left so soon.  My boy was found in a park in Stead, Nevada, in a sleeping bag, with a bag over his head. That is the story I've gotten anyway. My ex-husband identified him through a picture of him. It has truly been difficult, even after 5 years now.  The man I met and I ended up getting married 2 years after living together. We've had 2 little boys and we are now divorced, even though I live with him and our boys. I still miss my oldest boy to this day.
for the loss of your dear son. I also talk to my sons pics so I don't think it's weird at all. I don't think it's so much letting go but excepting the loss and dealing with it.They are always in our heart and thoughts. I have three older kids and even though they have been supportive and caring they have been able to accept it easier then I but have never told me to get over it or to stop dwelling on it. My son Chris went to live with his Dad when he was 15,went though a court fight and all that but he was old enough according to the courts to say where he wanted to live,he could not deal with the changes,moving out of our home ,to a new town and my new husband ( a few years later) and his Dad did not make it easy for us.I miss my boy too,Willie was so kind and loving to much so, his cousin told me once "people took Willies kindness as a weakness and used him". I miss talking to him everyday " Hey Ma what you doing?".Oh how I miss him and always will,we will always miss our kid. Please be good to yourself. Take care. (((HUGS)))) Bunny
 
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pookiepeanut
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May 15, 2008, 1:50 pm PDT

NEVER LOSS

   I can feel your grief ...even though my self never lost a child, i can feel this..I am a medium, also. And feel when sirits cme to me, and follow me, this spiris die  for a reason, and some ar because of the loss of a child, i can feel your paIN, IM SORRY...
 
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dkrah2u
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May 15, 2008, 9:00 pm PDT

Coping with the death of a child

Quote From: mlazanis2003

It was just one year on 7/16/06 @ 1:40am that I lost my son James to the monster/deman of addiction. Everyone that new him and met him loved him.

He worked 24/7 and owned nothing. He was a carpenter and was building the Panthers homes here in NC.

My heart aches all day and all night.

Only a mother like you really knows.

I know your pain.  I also lost my 19 yr old to an addiction.  There is very little reprive from the constant ache of missing him.  There are no words to describe the regrets that a mother feels that she couldn't save her child from the evils of this world.  I pray for all mothers that have lost their precious one's.  It is a living hell to wake each day with the reminder that they are gone.  You are right...only a mother really knows.
 
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May 17, 2008, 3:44 pm PDT

Jasons Angel Date Monday

Quote From: bunny628

It's been a rough week Willie's Angeldate was Sunday and had a really hard time . So I've been off for while Turing to regroup. It is wonderful at you are scrap booking Jason's life,I wish I was able to do the same but most of my things from the kids where lost in storage due to a water flood. I do have some very special items that I keep  with me at all times. I can understand not being able to work on thing I just don't do much of the things I did before Willie's suicide,just don't have the angry of desire anymore but it's getting better slowly. it will come in time. Hope everyone is doing well. take care (((((HUGS)))) Bunny

Bunny,

Did you do anything for Willie's angel Date...We had a get together with some of Jason's friends last year on the 1st angel date...I am just not sure what to do this year...so many of his friends have moved out of the area...

How long has Willie been gone?

Hugs,

Pam

PS...I have been on vacation in So California this week...I wanted to take a vacation before dealing with the 2nd heaven date.

 
 
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bunny628
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May 19, 2008, 6:48 pm PDT

Pam

Quote From: phellewell

Bunny,

Did you do anything for Willie's angel Date...We had a get together with some of Jason's friends last year on the 1st angel date...I am just not sure what to do this year...so many of his friends have moved out of the area...

How long has Willie been gone?

Hugs,

Pam

PS...I have been on vacation in So California this week...I wanted to take a vacation before dealing with the 2nd heaven date.

 

I hope your day went peacefully. I know that the second Angel date is often harder then the first. This year we ( my older kids, grandkids, some friends,my sis and her husband) went to Willie's grave and had flowers,balloons and we lit candles then we each said a few words to Willie.My sis Gail thanked Willie for watching over our sis Ava,she was in a really bad car accident (car was totaled)  late Saturday night and was in the hospital on the morning of Willie's Angel date (April 27).Willie has been gone just over two years. He was 20 years old. Let me know how things are going for you. (((HUGS))) Bunny
 
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bunny628
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May 19, 2008, 6:53 pm PDT

Hi Debra

Just wanted to check in with you and say Hi. hope your all doing well. you are in my thoughs and prayers.(((HUGS))) Bunny
 
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debra232006
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May 20, 2008, 7:02 am PDT

Bunny

Quote From: bunny628

Just wanted to check in with you and say Hi. hope your all doing well. you are in my thoughs and prayers.(((HUGS))) Bunny

Thank you for the well wishes! You have been in my thoughts and prayers too.

I have been riding an emotional rollercoaster lately with thoughts of Jessica. She is in my every thought, and I find myself crying at the most inopportune times. I am clinging more and more to Dennis through this period. I think it is related to the planning of my stepson's graduation party. We are hosting it at our house and with everything I do in regards to  his party, I think about Jessica and how, I think, her party would have went. The kind of decorations she would have picked out, all of it. Makes it realy hard for me to "enjoy" this step in my stepson's life.

 

~Hugs~ Debra
 
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bunny628
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May 20, 2008, 7:45 am PDT

Debra

Quote From: debra232006

Thank you for the well wishes! You have been in my thoughts and prayers too.

I have been riding an emotional rollercoaster lately with thoughts of Jessica. She is in my every thought, and I find myself crying at the most inopportune times. I am clinging more and more to Dennis through this period. I think it is related to the planning of my stepson's graduation party. We are hosting it at our house and with everything I do in regards to  his party, I think about Jessica and how, I think, her party would have went. The kind of decorations she would have picked out, all of it. Makes it realy hard for me to "enjoy" this step in my stepson's life.

 

Hugs Debra

I am so sorry that your are going though this heartache. I understand the pain your going though at this time. It's so hard when an event comes up that we'll never be able to share with our child. I could not attend my nephew's baby shower this past weekend.I cried.I hurt and yes I was angry that I will never be able to have a grandchild of Willie's to love. We have lost so much.Others do not understand not only did we lose our child but we lost all to come.It is wonderful that your doing this for your stepson. I hold onto my daughter Megan she has been so loving and caring there where days I could not have gotten though without her.Hold tight to Dennis let his love comfort you. I will pray for you.Take care my dear friend. ((((HUGS)))) God Bless. Love Bunny
 
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yourstruley200
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May 20, 2008, 3:19 pm PDT

Coping with the Death of a Child

hi I am new to this but I just lost my 2 and a half year old son on Febuary 28, 2008. He got sick with strep throat that within hours turned into pneumonia then staph infection in the lungs, then to sepsis. He got sick with cough and runny nose on Friday to being on life support by Tuesday, to being gone on Thursday. It was so sudden I am still feeling like I am in a nightmare. I have had to move and I have spent alot of time away from home. My husband is getting frustrated that I am not spending alot of time with him, but the only way I seem to cope is with all of my family. Even though my son wasn't his biological child he still loved him like he was his own. But I have never seen a community care so much it shocked me that over 500 people came to donate rare o negative blood to my son, between Lexington and Somerset. I can't thank all those people enough for what they were giving to my son, it was a part of them, and I am so grateful. It was also hard to see him on life support, he was on the ultimate where they were giving him constant blood transfusions, and he was on an ECMO machine that runs the blood to all of his organs. He did become a little celebrity and didn't even know it, they had his story on t.v., we were begging for blood for him. I just miss his smile and laugh, just when he was becoming his own person I lost him.
 
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