Topic : Coping with the Death of a Child

My heart aches and tears filled my eyes when I read your story! I have a soon to be 2 year old son and I cannot begin to fathom what you are going through. I lost my daughter to a car accident at the age of 14 on November 8, 2003, so I can relate to the devastation, the blackhole that wants to suck us up, the numbness, how it hurts to just breath. It is amazing to me how a community will come together for the sake of a child. How blessed you are to have had such support. I too was married at the time to a man that was more of father to my daughter than her biological father and he still does more for her today. We are no longer married but have remained friends. The grief that comes from losing a child can't be compared to the loss of another loved one. It is not natural that a parent should have to bury their child. How we do get passed that? Each one of us has to find our own way and in our journey we need to take heed to what our body and mind is telling us. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to grieve, cry when you need to, stay in bed when you need.... do what YOU NEED to do to get through that minute, that hour, that day. Don't listen to people who can't be supportive and remember there is time line for grief. Everyone goes through the different stages at THIER pace, this is what can be the most stressful part of grief, especially on a marriage. I recommend grief counseling when you are ready, your local hospice chapter has numerous resources that you can use. I have even been to a weekend camp designed around families that have lost a child, designed by hospice. It was amazing to me and it helped me a great deal. Don't push your husband away, communication is the key, even if it's just to tell him that you just can't function today... he needs to know. Men are "fixers" and he wants to know what he can do to "fix" you, ( help you ). Family and friends will want to help, but they won't know how unless you let them know. Don't be afraid to ask for help, you can't go through this walk alone. I will keep you in my htoughts and prayers! And if you need to talk, I check this board daily. I am here for anyone that needs me!

 

May God Bless You, Debra

 Thank u so much for your words of understanding and encouragement. I like having people to talk to that know what I am going through. I still think about him every minute of every day. I wonder what he would be doing and what I would be telling him to stay out of. He loved the movie Cars and every time I see something that is related to that my heart aches because I would have bought that for him. That was one thing that I buried him in was his Cars shoes. He loved those shoes!! God I miss my baby sooooo much, I long to hold him in my arms, I wonder what he would have been like when he got older. His big brother is seeing a counselor through a program at school, and seems to be doing really well. But he still asks me mommy why did God take my brother away? He is only 7, so he is having a hard time acepting that he can't talk to him or play with him.That was his only biological sibling. My heart also aches for my son. My heart is so broken. My oldest son doesn't cry alot, but I just keep reminding him that it is ok to cry, it is ok to get mad about it because mommy does too. We found out from the autopsy that if he had been taken to the hospital when the fever started he could have been saved. I don't blame Shawns father for not taking himto the hospital, and that is hard, but I realize that maybe it was in Gods plan and that maybe he seen something worse happening down the road and knew that instead of letting me go through that pain he went ahead and took him now. But thank you for your words, I have been crying the whole time and knowing that there is people out there that know what I am going through, that understands me and knows my pain, it helps. Thank u so much.

OMG! That is my all time favorite movie! My son is not much into TV, let alone movies. But, I would love to decorate his room in that decor! ( I buried my daughter in her favorite pair of jeans, socks, shirt and sweatshirt.)

 

It is so hard for "outsiders" to comprehend the slightest of what we go through on a daily basis. It is hard to explain to someone that has never been, and hopefully never will.

 

I appreciate your outlook on why he was taken at such an early age. I feel the same way about my daughter. See, her cousin was bringing her home and made a left turn in front of an oncoming car. It was out in the country and this particular intersection has an S curve in it. There was a grain truck in front of them and her cousin did not allow the grain truck to get completely through the curve before she turned. Yes, a mistake on her part that ultimately took my daughter's life, but was it malicious? NO! And that is what people don't understand about me. I don't hold her responsible, accountable yes. She did have 2 years probation and a suspended license, but she loved her cousin like a sister. Would have died in place of her if she could have. That is why these things are called accidents.

 

I am so sorry for your loss, I can't express that enough. You are still very early in your grief, your numb, your in a fog, depressed, cry alot... all those things are normal.... YOU ARE NORMAL! One of the hardest things for people to understand that what they are going through is normal, they have not become "crazy." That is where counseling can be a huge benefit. I still have my days where I flip flop between anger and depression. I still have days where tears flow over any little thing. It's ok! We had something taken from us that should have never been. And we will grieve EVERYTHING that they will never accomplish, never see, never do! It's ok! But at the same time, I honestly believe that our children want us to be happy, as hard as that is right now, they realy do. They are in a place that they don't know what pain is anymore, they don't know what sadness is anymore. They are happy and all they feel is love.

 

~HUGS~ Debra

Thank u soooooooo much for writting back with words of encouragement, that is what helps me to get through the day. I just got done looking at the X-rays of the day we found out he had pneumonia, they look so bad. I wasn't exactly sure what I was looking at until I seen an X-ray of his lungs normally. It looked so bad and I just touched the screen and thought if they would have done this on the night before in the er then maybe it wouldn't have got that bad. I just wanted to touch him so bad at that moment and hold him and tell him mommy loves him, and I am glad that he is better now. God still lets me see him in my dreams though, that is where I can still hold him and kiss him and hear his sweet little voice. I still can't belive all of this has happend to me, I am a good mom I love my kids, I take good care of them and I love them. I just can't understand people who are mean to their kids or abandon them, I can't even stand to be in the same room with them. It hurts really bad knowing they didn't want their kids, and I can't see Shawn, hold, touch, love or kiss him anymore.  But the one thing I am looking forward to is knowing he will be there in the sky waiting, with your daughter, for us to come home. They are playing and laughing together and worshiping our savior.

 

  luv, misty

About parents and care takers who abuse children for whatever reason. It makes no sense to me how someone can be cruel to a child who is defenseless! I can't watch shows related to this topic because of the anger that builds up inside and I barely watch the local news because it is so filled with death and negativity.

 

Like you, I needed to know what happened to my daughter. I needed to know her every injury, some people may not be able to handle that, but I needed for it my own reasons. I am in the medical field so I can comprehend alot of what happened to her and I guess that is where my need to know comes from. Her injuries are just another example of how unfair life can be, and at the same time one of her injuries prevented her from feeling any pain. I sat in the parking lot reading over all the reports, I even had the autopsy report. I cried and cried and cried, time seemed at a stand still at that moment. I wanted to hold her, stroke her hair, cuddle with her, whisper in her ear how much she is loved and that everything would be ok, things I was not able to do at the time of her accident.

 

Losing Shawn is not indictative of your parenting skills. I know we as parents need to justify things for our children, but there is no justification for a parent that has to bury their child. We may never understand the big picture until we ourselves cross over, but I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. We may not always like the outcome, but that is not for us to decide. It is now our job to find our way in life after such a tragic loss. Sometimes, that can lead us down a totally different path then where we were headed prior too. I can't begin to understand how difficult it must me to have other children at home and having to deal with all those issues. At the time of Jess's accident, she was my only child. It rocked my world and I don't know how I would have to handle dealing with another child.

 

I pray for some peace and grace for you and your family!

 

Debra

to mention about the dreams.... I would recommend keeping a journal of them! It could be a theraputic thing for you! And maybe end up being a memoir for your children!

 I am going to get a journal TODAY!! Thank u for mentioning that. It would be a great way for my kids to remember how much I loved him and all of them and to help them understand that he is still a part of our family. I seem to be getting worse though on not being able to sleep. I go to bed about 2 or 3 in the morning and I get up sometimes around 5 or 6. I want to sleep. I want to see him in my dreams. The doctor gave me some sleeping pills but I'm not the type to use them unless I absolutly have too. I guess I need to start doing that because we are getting my husbands four kids ( I claim them too ) for summer break. They don't realize but they were the first people I wanted to see when Shawn died. They have helped me cope alot better. I also love to hold babies and kiss them. But then after I get home I set and cry remembering when Shawn was that little and thinking if I could have him back when he was that age. I miss him so much. Do u still cry alot? I can't stop through the day, because I am alone and Shawn used to be the only person that was around during the day, that is why we were so close. His birthday is coming up on June 30, my oldest son wants to have a cake and celebrate like we usually do. I want to celebrate all the things he accomplished in his life. Even though he was two, he became a hero to many. They came to set his tombstone yesterday. It is so pretty, but we couldn't use a baby stone because his name was so long. I named him after my favorite uncle who can't have any kids, I named him Carleton Shawn Ptolma Williams, Shawn for short. My uncle took it hard because now he has no one to carry on his name because his wife can't have kids. They are thinking about adopting, I think it is a great idea. After our two oldest turn 18 we are going to try and adopt. I love kids and there are so many out there without anyone to love them. I hope that someday I can be like u and be able to offer words of encouragement to someone else who has to go through this. U have been an inspiration to me and your thoughts and prayers are what helps me to get through the day!! I will always remember to keey u and your family in my prayers. I pray for comfort and healing of your heart, after all u are helping me to heal my own.

 

luv Misty

This is normal Misty! You are coming out of the numb stage, slowly but surely, and as you do you will cry more, you will be angry more, you will be depressed more. Very early in our loss we go "numb" because our mind can't cope or deal with what has happened, so it protects us by making us feel nothing. It's like when you leg goes to sleep, at first you really can't feel anything then you start to feel those pringly pricks and then back to normal again. But are ever normal again? Never. How could we be after losing our babies! Keep this in mind.... the less sleep you get the more worn down you become and the less energy you will have to get through a day. You NEED your sleep! If you don't like the pills, take them everyother day or every two days. You have to keep yourself healthy for your sake and your families sake!

 

Adoption is an awesome thing for sure. When I was 17 I was told I would never have babies of my own, now I have had two, but I always planned on adopting. My daughter was conceived without medical intervention and her father always acused me of "trapping" him... NOT! My current husband, bless his heart, had 4 of his own children, 21, 19, 18 and 14, but he was willing to have another one for me. I had to go on fertility medication but just after 4 months I became pregnant. I am so glad we had a boy! I didn't want to have a girl to have family and friends constantly comparing the two.  Dennis is my angel here on earth and I know his big sister is OUR angel in heaven.

 

I cry still to this day! Yes, what I call my "Jesse days" are few and far between now. But, for example, last year she was suppose to graduate and go off to college in the fall. That summer was hell! Going to all her friends graduation parties and then knowing they were going off to college, I grieved hard. This year, I am in the process of planning my stepson's graduation party because we are hosting it and it is again haunting me. And you know what, it's ok! I would be worried about myself it it didn't bother me. It is life long process when a parent loses a child. Like I said before, everyone travels this road at THEIR speed and in THEIR time frame. We bounce back and forth between the many stages of grief until we get to a place that we are centered once again both physically and spirtually. I am still working on my spirit. I can promise you that it does get better and when I say that I mean in YOUR time. It will get easier to be able to talk about Shawn and not cry everytime, it will be easier to see a toddler and not cry, it will be easier for you to get through a day and not cry, your "bad" days will become further and further apart. Keep this in the back of you mind..... just because you have gone through a day and not shed a tear does not mean that you are forgetting or that you are not loving Shawn as much, it just means that you are starting to come to peace with it. I think of Jess every second of every day... doesn't matter what I am doing, whether I am at work, driving, watching tv.... she is there. I love her more today than yesterday and I miss her more and more everyday. I share her with any one that will listen because I don't want her forgotten. We had a conversation once about death and she said that she would be forgotten if she were to ever perish, it was a fear of hers. Well, I make it a mission everyday to talk about her, to share her with someone. I also have stickers on my car with her birth date and her angel date along with her basketball number, basketball was her life.

 

The year my daughter passed, her high school lost 5 students, 4 to car related accidents and one to suicide. The school body and the community was in a major crisis. We all felt the loss of every student. I started up a Memorial Garden Commity and over a 2 year period seen that garden come to fruition. Now the students and the community has a place that they can come and remember. This is something that you can do in your own yard. Make a garden and plant some of his favorite colors, put some of his favorite things out there and put a place that you can sit and just "be". I am in the process of doing that here in my home.

 

In my journey I have learned that when I reach out and help other parents, I am helping myself. It has helped me heal in ways I don't think I could have otherwise. Each of us needs to find our way through this and as long as we learn, sooner rather than later, that we can't go it alone, the better we will be!

 

I think of you and your famliy always~

 

Love, Debra

 I am back agian for the second time today. My husband, his name is Dennis too, he is also my second marriage. I have thought alot about Shawn today. I went out and got a notebook, I just don't know where to start. I want to remember everything from day one. My mind seems to go blank and I tend to forget alot of things nowdays. I always ask if anyone has any brain pills so my brain can function!! I hope u and your family have a good Memorial Day and a great weekend. I am going to my soon-to-be sister-in-laws bachelorette party tonight, and that should help a little. We have a loving and tight nit family. I will remember u on this holiday and this weekend and pray for your safety.

 

luv misty

Is very common at this stage of grief! You may feel like your losing your mind at times but your brain is still trying to protect you. This is normal!

 

I hope you enjoy yourself at the party!

 

HUGS, Debra