Topic : Coping with the Death of a Child

I have been thinking of you and praying that things are "ok" with you and your family!

Well, getting the notebook is the first step. And maybe you should start out with the little things? What did he enjoy most? What made him giggle? What was your favorite thing to do with him? And more of what I was getting at, was to journal your dreams of him too. That way you can cherish those as well.

I hope and pray that you are at a good place!

Hugs, Debra

hey its me, I finally got back on. I ended up in the emergency room on Monday night feeling like I was in labor!!! It was centered in the top of my stomache and would send waves of pain rushing everywhere else. I was shocked when the doctor told me that it was my gal-bladder. I went in for surgery on Tuesday morning and what was supposed to be a 45 minute surgery ended up being 3 hours. The doctor said that there was complications due to my weight ( I am 216!! don't tell noone!!) and also that I had hundreds of stones, he told me if I had waited a couple more days I might not have been here. Thank God I realized I needed to go. I also had alot of problems waking up from the surgery, but in the end I am left with no gal-bladder and a few holes in my stomache. I am still in alot of pain, but I am trying to not use the pain meds, because I was an addict in my younger days so I have an addictive personality. Now I can say the only addiction I have is my kids. Shawn really loved the movie Cars, and basketball, I had his room done in Cars, and he had his own basketball goal, but all the other kids would play with him on it. I am going to start a scrapbook too of all the things he used to draw and all of my pics. Its gonna be huge!! I am glad that I did take so many pictures of him because now I can look at him and remember the way he was before he got sick. I have thought about him alot , especially when I was in the hospital. I miss his smile and laughter and how when I did something stupid he would just laugh. He would also growl like a tiger. That was my dads nickname for him was his little tiger, so for a present to my dad I got him a little Boyds Bear that was dressed like a tiger. It made him cry, but he said that was the best present anyone had ever gave him. I am gonna go my pain is getting pretty bad but I'll talk more later.

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family also.

 LUV, Misty

Sorry to hear that you went through all that but happy to hear that you are recovering! I went through gall bladder attacks myself while I was pregnant! They found them in January and I didn't deliver until June. I had numerous attacks that would ultimately send me to the ER, but once I got into my 3rd trimester they gave me meds that I could take at home when an attack started. I had my gall bladder removed 10 days after Dennis was born. It's not fun and I know that pain all too well, sends you to your knees, doubling you over.

That is so touching what you did for you dad! It's ironic, my Dad called Jessica, Pooh Bear! On her next Angel date, November 8, I want to do something special for my parents and my two sisters. It will be 5 years already. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime and then there are days/moments where it feels as if it just happened.

This weekend was my stepson's graduation from high school. I have been on an emotional roller coaster for the last month and today was the ceremony. I cried. Do you know the song, "You Raise Me Up" by Josh Groban? That was a song the choir sang today, and a song I choose to play at her funeral. Talk about tears! UHG! Then thinking about how we won't be seeing much of him through the summer and then he is off to college in the fall. We have 4 years until my stepdaughter graduates, then another 12 after that for Dennis. My stepkids are wonderful and I am SO very proud of them! All of us, their Mom and her fiance, my husband and I have a great relationship. They were here last night after the party sitting around the fire with us and we were laughing and having a good time until 4 am! I am extremely tired and "coming down" from the "high" you develop from planning such an event.

I hope your pain is getting better and better! (which I am pretty sure it is) Just don't be over doing it, Take care of yourself! Keeping you close in my heart and prayers!

Hugs, Debra

Hello its me!! I am doing alot better, I am going back into the phase of thinking about Shawn instead of my pain. I rememberd something yesterday and as I was writing it down I started crying, it was like I was there in that moment with him and remembering what he was doing that was making me laugh so hard so then I started laughing. I love those moments!! I feel like he is standing right there with me. I can just smell him because he always smelled like baby lotion or poop or whatever food he had ate earlier. He really loved spagetti. He also liked chocolate milk, he got that from his mama. I am going to sue the doctor, not for the money but for his licesence, I hope that maybe that will open up other doctors eyes and show them that they can't take things lightly, they need to do all test.

 I had to end up missing my brother in laws wedding because I was in so much pain I couldn't sit up. I called him though and told him how sorry I was that I couldn't be there. I am sorry u had such a rough weekend, but your stepson knows how much u care for him, and I am sure it meant the world to him for u to be there.

 I love that song "YOU RAISE ME UP" , I listen to it on K-LOVE. I too also cry when I listen to it and try to sing along through my crying, but that is letting us know that God is still with us and he has not forgot about our pain.  We also have a little girl at church that sings that song so beautifully. She was only ten and diagnosed with leukemia, but through it all she still talked to God and told him that whatever may come she was ready to handle it. Within 5 months she was cancer free, she did loose all of he long beautiful hair, but I told her that her hair wasn't what made her beautiful, it was her love for God and her amazing adult voice. Man could that kid sing!! She is doing great now and has been clear for almost two years and I think God has big plans for her.

 Maybe god was letting you know that even though it was a tough day for you that he and Jessica were sitting right there beside you and holding your hand, telling you how proud they are of you. I am gonna go, but always remember even thogh I have never met you, I consider you a great friend. You have helped me get through so many days that I thoght wasn't possible at all to get through. THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND!!!!

Keeping you and your family close in thought and prayer,

LUV, Misty

it is amazing to me how quickly parents can connect with other parents that have lost a child. We find eachother in the most amazing places, like here for instance. I was in the hospital this past November and was talking with my nurse, and she was a Mom that had lost her daughter to a car accident. We connected just before I had complications. I think that was intended because I knew she was not going to let anything happen to me and I was confident in her abilities. They had to give me a sedative and just as I was going out, she told me that as long as she was there I was going to be ok. She needed me to know that, I NEEDED TO KNOW THAT. All I kept thinking about was that I was not going to see my son again and at the same time thinking that if something did happen to me I had my daughter waiting for me, bittersweet for sure.

I am overjoyed to hear about this amazing girl! Thank you for sharing that story with me.

Your Shawn sounds so much like my little Dennis! Those moments that they just go off and do something so out of the blue, you can't help but laugh. I just made sphagetti the other day and Dennis had 3 PLATES FULL! I think that your Shawn and my Dennis would have been good buds! I like hearing things about Shawn, keep them coming. I know you LOVE to talk about him! As you should! He has an awesome Mom!

Misty, you are trully inspiring to me and I hope that you continue to keep in touch! My heart and arms are reaching across the states and giving a BIG HUG! ( I am in Michigan )

Debra

My daughter Rebecca Tatum was 2 months pregnant when she was shot and killed by her boyfriend in front of her two young children.This happened November 5th, 2006. My husband heard it on the police scanner and rushed to her house. He was giving her CPR but she was already gone. I am having a very hard time dealing with her death and would like any words of encouragement. I sometimes feel I am going to lose contol as the man who did this has not gone to trial yet. So I feel my life is on hold.

I am SO sorry for your loss! I can't even begin to understand why these things happen. It must be a complete nightmare for you and your family! I lost my daughter to a car accident when she was 14 on November 8, 2003, so I can relate to the devastation of losing a child.

Each person will travel through their journey at their pace. This is all determined by what has influenced them to that point in their life, affected by the trials and tribulations we have already suffered and the happiness and joy that we have found in life. How each one of us deals with grief is our own. It is something that we can't do alone, but something that comes from inside of us. I know there are days where you just want the world to stop, I know I did. Days where it hurts to breath, to think, to feel. Anger is a HUGE part of all this and probably the worst step for most. No parent should have to bury their child, for whatever reason! We all know that death is a part of life, but how can we as parents justify that statement when it is our child that was taken before us? Each one of us has a different answer, each one of us has to find our path again, BUT that does not mean we go alone. Along the road we bump into other parents that share similiar stories, we bond with them; we may com across someone that needs help that we can provide and in turn that helps us with our travel. Learnig to forgive is another process of grief. Whether it's forgiving ourselves, our child, people involved in their death, but I think it is the most healing of all steps of grief. You made the comment, "So I feel my life is on hold," So many parents that have lost a child feels this way at one point or another and it is an indication that they are "stuck" in their grief. Have you thought about grief counseling? I would look for someone who specializes in the loss of a child, because our grief is SO different. I would also look to your local hospice chapter, they have numerous resources available to them that they can pass along to you.

How are the children doing? Do they remember anything? How is your husband doing?

My heart goes out to you and your family! I will hold you close and pray for peace.

HUGS~ Debra

How are you doing with your recovery? How is your journal coming along?

I thought of you ALL weekend long. My son has asthma and started with a croupy cough on Friday, by Sunday he was not himself. Yesterday he was running fevers of 100, 101.5 and at 7 started a coughing spell I could not stop. I took him into the ER, thank God I did. He croup was being caused because of his asthma. He received two breathing treatments and two doses of oral steroids. He is doing much better today. All I could think about was your Shawn and how you "must" have felt going through all that. I cried, I help Dennis close and told him just how much I loved him and I cried for you!

Hope you are finding some peace in your journey, Debra