Topic : Coping with the Death of a Child

First all, I am a parent but I am also a GRANNY.  I sent Dr Phil and Email on 3/6/8 and have never received a reply so thought I would post it here and maybe if Dr Phil or his staff reads his Message Boards he might get the message.  So any help or advice might just help.

I just watched that movie for the first time with my class. I am instructor at Ross and teach Medical Assisting. We are studying law and ethics this module (like a semester) and this movie presents numerous ethical issues. But WOW, it took me by surprise. In the movie, the son never says good bye because that is forever, he always says, "see you later." That was something Jessica and I did all the time too, and when I walked out of ER room where she was that was one of the last things I said to her.....

 Hey, its me. Its been a while I know. I have been busy lately. We are about to loose everything we've got. My husband got injured on the job and is waiting for his workmans comp to kick in, and were not for sure when it will. I have been doing good though. We celebrated Shawns b-day on June 30th, it was a sad day but also a happy one. I was remembering everything that day and was suprised how much I can remember from 3 years ago. God I miss my baby and think of him every day. My son is still having a hard time dealing, he is blaming hisself, he says Shawn wouldn't have gotten sick if he would have stayed at his nanas' house and I tried to explain to him that no matter what, Shawn didn't die because of him and not to blame himself. He just don't understand. It hurts me to know that he feels that way. We have been doing therapy but it seems like it is'nt working. They don't even talk about his death. They just do projects and play. I told Austin if he wanted to stop the therapy that it was ok and I could find someone else to talk to because he wants to talk about it and he wants to share his brothers story. My mom went and had some shirts made with his picture on them, they are so pretty. When people see them they stop us and say

"hey wasn't that the baby on tv that needed the blood?" and we're like yeah and then they ask about him and I tell them his story. It usually makes people cry, but in the end they thank me for sharing his story with them and some tell me it has changed how they feel about giving blood, and promise to give regularly. Even though it may be late, give your little Dennis a b-day kiss for me. Thank u for the stories and keep em' coming!!!

Always in thought and prayer,

LUV, Misty Dawn 

Hi my name is Misty, u can talk to me. It is ok that u came here. I will tell u this is as good as therapy, just talking about it is therapy. You can come here and people will talk to u and help u. I lost my two and a half year old son on Febuary 28th of this year and I have had a HARD time with it, I also have 5 other kids but only one is biologically mine. He died of Pneumonia and it was sudden. He got sick on Friday with a cough and went for visitation with his real father, when we picked him up on Sunday evening, he was running a fever and was wheezing. I took his straight to the hospital where they said it was just strep and sent him home. The next day his fever was 104.5 and he was lifeless, I took him back to the hospital wher they then sent him to The University of Kentucky Hospital in Lexington Kentucky. That was on Monday. By the next morning his heart had stopped and he was on Life support and an ecmo machine that gives u blood transfusions every hour. He passed away that Thursday. I didn't have alot of time to say goodbye but then I didn't want to, I told him I would see him in heaven and gave him my last kiss. He is better now and u have to think that also with your brothers and stepfather. They are better now and are not suffering anymore. They are free of this world and its troubles. But we still can't help but miss them and want them here with us. I think everyday of my little Shawn standing there saying, mommy be a good girl so u can come and see me in heaven, and that is what gets me through the days and nights. I have become an insomniac, and I want to sleep all day long. But like I said I can't because I also have 5 other kids to take care of. Hang in there, u will make it. Take care of the little one and remind him about his dad, he will eventually warm up to it and talk about him more. Let him know it is ok to talk about his dad and that it isn't a bad thing if u do. It is great therapy to talk to others about them and their life. One thing that Debra, (she is also on here) told me to do is to write a journal of everything u can remember abou them and keep it with u so u can look back on it and someday u can give it to your nephew so he too can share those memories. It would be a great thing to do, it has wiorked for me I know that. But you will laugh and cry the whole time u write and u will remember just like it was yesterday, almost as if they arn't even gone. Time heals but it still leaves scars. Remember them every day and u won't forget. I will pray for u and your family for healing and strength, and I will also remember the fiance, she too was part of the family, I'm sure. Just let her know u haven't forgot about her and remind her that u do care. But u can come here, I will talk to u.

 LUV, Misty Dawn

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter! My Jessica was 14 too! Her cousin, 23 at the time, was bringing her home and made a turn in front of an oncoming car. My Jessi took the full hit. When I got to the scene, they were just loading her into the helicoptor so I was not able to see her or ride with her. By the time I got to the hospital she was gone. After I found out the full details, she was realy gone at the scene but they didn't pronounce her dead until she got to the hospital. I know you know how much that knocks you on your butt, literally. Those first few days I was in a haze, I can remember bits and pieces and I still get flashes every now and then of things I recall.

Dealing with the realism of the whole thing is a life long process when it comes to a child. I have said before, there is no death that can compare to that of a child. And if someone needs medication to help them, so be it. Does not make us weak, it only shows that we know our limits. I had someone tell me, just after 6 months of losing her, that I should be over it and move on.... I was livid! There is no time table for grief and it's more like a rollercoaster ride with the lows and highs we experience.

Bless your son! I can't begin to imagine what he is going through! I can tell that Mommy is making sure he is doing the best he can and watching over him. Being a single Mom is tough! I did it for 8 years with my daughter. I now have a two year old son and I tell him stories of her all the time and have pictures I show him.

Have you checked with your local hospice chapter? I did, and in my area they have a camp once a year specifically for family members that have lost a child. And anyone related to that child can attend. They break down activities according to age for the children, then they break up parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...... into their own groups and have group counseling, group activites. I thought it was awesome for the kids especially, because they have someone their own age that feels like they do.

My Jessi was a basketball star. She lived and breathed basketball! Probably just like your daughter did soccor!

Your saying, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" is on the same page of my thinking. You know the song by Garth Brooks, "The Dance?" Say's it all!

Thank you for your post and hope to hear more from you!

HUGS~

Debra

of all of us today!

HUGS~ Debra

So, I'm a mother of 3 babies of which we have lost. The first was born at 24 weeks due to preeclampsia and the other 2 were ectopics. I have been to fertility Dr's and my only choice at this point is IVF. Well, that's all good except the insurance companies will not pay for IVF or any fertility treatments. So not only are we grieving the babies already lost but now we are grieving the ones we will never have because the ins. companies don't find it medically necessary or important enough. I guess if one of them that has a say so in it their choices had fertility problems or had lost a child they would take a second look at it. It STINKS! I'm tired of hurting every day of my life b/c our dreams of being parents are not coming true b/c of money, the almighty $$$$$. What's the world coming to?

I know a lot of people will say things like they know how you feel or it was just meant to be. People just say things they have NO idea what they are talking about. I do know exactly how you feel though. I have lost 3 babies and actually gave birth to my 1st in Aug. 2005 and I still cry over her a few times a week. So saying that, I'm not going to tell you that it will all be ok and that you will get over it because you never will. It will get better over time though. You did lose a very special and big part of yourself, a part that you can never get back, but that part of us is with our babies and I wouldn't have it any other way. I encourage you to talk to anyone you can about your daughter, also read books there are some great ones out there on grief and loss. I don't know how you believe but my church and faith has helped me greatly. Hugs to you and wishes for strength to get through each and every day.

Keep smiling for your baby girl, I'm sure that's the way she'd want it!