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Topic : Coping with the Death of a Child

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Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 03:28:03 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Losing a child is especially traumatic, share your memories, stories and support with others here.


 
mummyof5
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November 14, 2006, 8:29 pm PST

my little nephew died

Just wanting or needing to vent. My lovely sister lost her 18 month old boy Nathan to Medical Misadventure a while back and I still badly miss my little nephew.   He went into Hospital with a minor 20% burn to his lower leg and simply never left Hospital. He died from massive brain damage caused by his vital medications leaking into his mattress and not into him.  Nobody checked on him over a 12 hour period because the nurses and docs in charge had been too busy dealing with a more serious (or so they thought at the time) patient.   The night before I was sitting on his wee bed with his mummy and he was sitting and laughing with us....I was taking his mum home for a decent nights sleep so we said our goodnights, waited for himt o fall asleep and left.   By 6am the next morning when we arrived at the Hospital, we were not allowed in to see him as they were obviously working on him. We had no idea what was happening to him, we thought he only had a slight burn it ca'nt be anything too serious.   Well we were very wrong. With all the nurses and Docs crying in front of us, we were told of his very poor condition. He had a brain scan and tests which proved he was completely and profoundly brain dead. I will never ever forget that horrendous day as long as I live...to watch my poor sister go through something like this the pain is so unimaginable..and so terribly incomprehensible.   I was there when my sister pulled the plug, I was there to watch Nathan pass away in his mums arms..I also held onto him and was so terribly broken hearted, still am...:-(   Theres not a day that goes by I do'nt think of him. Very very sad for my sister who misses him deeply.  TIA..Suzy
 
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djcoleman
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November 15, 2006, 5:54 am PST

Why?

Why can't I Stop it? It being what ever it is! Depressed? Angry? Sad? Alone? Confused?  etc... etc...etc...  My beautiful daughter Candice has been gone for 12 years now and I still.......... don't know what I'm feeling from time to time.  Candice was 9 yrs old when she died from AIDS in 1994 (unknown how she got it) I miss her so so very much!  I don't have anyone i can talk to.  These are the months that she got really sick so thats why it's hard for me during this time of the year.  Candice died the day after my birthday Dec.12.

I just don't know any more!  I don't know anything any more.  The only reason I keep going is because of my other children, but when i look around at the world i see nothing but pain!  That is what makes me scared for my children now i wish i could protect them from the dangers of living.

WHY? WHY? WHY? Does it have to be this way!!!

I feel like i'm going crazy!!!  

AM I?
 
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luv4alex
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November 16, 2006, 6:52 pm PST

Tired

I lost my son two years ago....I was 6-1/2 months pregnant and lost him due to an unexpected uterine rupture.  My husband refused to take us to the hospital that night, Alex died and I almost bled to death.  Since then I had post-partum and PTSD and been on anti-depression/anti-anxiety medication for almost two years.  I'm trying to get off the meds, the side-effects are terrible but Alex's Angel date is this week (November 21) and I am not doing so well.  My husband divorced me after I lost Alex, he didn't want to deal with my depression and he couldn't deal with his guilt.  I am so tired of missing my son and so tired of being alone.  I wish I could start over but I can't even get a job.  I lost my last job when I lost my son and now there are no jobs in Michigan to support me.  I work part-time but it won't sustain the bills that I face after my husband left.  I tried to sell my home but no one is even looking (two people in the past 6-months).  And the hardest part is that I am so alone, so completely alone.  Somedays I wish that I had bled to death too.
 
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bunny628
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November 17, 2006, 2:23 pm PST

P O S

Quote From: mademecry

There is a supportive site at www.suicidediscussionboard.com (soon to be www.suicidegrief.com). It is specifically for those who have lost friends or loved ones to suicide.
 I am sorry for lose of your daughter and hold you in my prayers .I lost my son Willie to suicide this past April and I know the pain of losing a child to suicide .there is a group for parents of suicide,that is their name POS It has helped me with coping with my loss it' s just for  Mom's and Dad's.Sometimes it's hard to talk to my  family about Willie because they tend to try to make me fell better  or change the subject when all I want to do is talk about him and cry freely.I have found a lot of support in the grieving and depression site also. I have made a good friend there too.Please try POS and know that you daughter is free of the suffering and pain that made it to hard for her to stay.I know she would want you to try to go gone and that she never meant to hurt you I know that with all my heart because I'm a parent of suicide too.God Bless you .
 
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tiredtoday

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November 19, 2006, 8:13 am PST

Need Advice on terminal care

My cousin, 39 years old, has been fighting brain tumors for 1.5 years.  He had the worst type and was told it was terminal.  They did extensive treatment and all three tumors disappeared!!  He mostly felt well during treatment with the exception of tiredness.  During this time he was working on the farm and running equipment.  We just felt so blessed with God's presence.  2 months ago he went in for his MRI results.  The 3 tumors were miraculously gone.....2 new ones had started deep inside, so they started experimental chemo.  This week they took him off of chemo and gave him maybe 2 months.  He can hardly talk and walk, etc, etc.  I have not talked to him since this last diagnosis as he has his daughter this weekend and my aunt and uncle requested time to cope this weekend.  His daughter and 12 years old.  He is living with his mom and dad.  Palliative care is available for them when they can no longer cope.  What I was looking for was advice on what I can do to help both the patient and the caregiver during this time.  I have lost my mom to cancer and I was her main caregiver, however, I have never lost a child and cannot imagine the pain.  If anyone could give me advice on what to say and do to help and not be in their way I would be ever so grateful.  Thanks Barb
 
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esaubrowne
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November 21, 2006, 9:23 pm PST

Sorry to hear of your pain

Quote From: tiredtoday

My cousin, 39 years old, has been fighting brain tumors for 1.5 years.  He had the worst type and was told it was terminal.  They did extensive treatment and all three tumors disappeared!!  He mostly felt well during treatment with the exception of tiredness.  During this time he was working on the farm and running equipment.  We just felt so blessed with God's presence.  2 months ago he went in for his MRI results.  The 3 tumors were miraculously gone.....2 new ones had started deep inside, so they started experimental chemo.  This week they took him off of chemo and gave him maybe 2 months.  He can hardly talk and walk, etc, etc.  I have not talked to him since this last diagnosis as he has his daughter this weekend and my aunt and uncle requested time to cope this weekend.  His daughter and 12 years old.  He is living with his mom and dad.  Palliative care is available for them when they can no longer cope.  What I was looking for was advice on what I can do to help both the patient and the caregiver during this time.  I have lost my mom to cancer and I was her main caregiver, however, I have never lost a child and cannot imagine the pain.  If anyone could give me advice on what to say and do to help and not be in their way I would be ever so grateful.  Thanks Barb
 How troublesome to think your son is getting well, and then, boom!! Not so. That is just the way it works sometimes. It can be difficult to know what is the best way to help, as everybody's needs are different. Ask your son and caregiver what they want/need and let them know you are available. I know if my (now) oldest son was that sick, he probably would want to be left alone mostly. And my daughter probably would want frequent company. But it also depends on how sick they are. Your son might normally like companionship, but not want as much if he's not feeling well, or visa versa.And when the time comes, you are likely to feel like you will never be able to make it without him, especially since it is aparent you love your son deeply. But trust me, you will make it. My oldest son died on Sept. 17, 2005, and I did not get to say goodbye. That is really tough for me. I did just barely, but I have made it. I spent the first Thanksgiving last year in a crisis mental health clinic. This year I feel much stronger, and somewhat better. It will never be the same, but the pain does subside over time, and life goes on. These kinds of support groups help me a great deal, as I do not have much in the way of family and friends.
 
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esaubrowne
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November 21, 2006, 9:24 pm PST

Coping with the Death of a Child

Quote From: esaubrowne

 How troublesome to think your son is getting well, and then, boom!! Not so. That is just the way it works sometimes. It can be difficult to know what is the best way to help, as everybody's needs are different. Ask your son and caregiver what they want/need and let them know you are available. I know if my (now) oldest son was that sick, he probably would want to be left alone mostly. And my daughter probably would want frequent company. But it also depends on how sick they are. Your son might normally like companionship, but not want as much if he's not feeling well, or visa versa.And when the time comes, you are likely to feel like you will never be able to make it without him, especially since it is aparent you love your son deeply. But trust me, you will make it. My oldest son died on Sept. 17, 2005, and I did not get to say goodbye. That is really tough for me. I did just barely, but I have made it. I spent the first Thanksgiving last year in a crisis mental health clinic. This year I feel much stronger, and somewhat better. It will never be the same, but the pain does subside over time, and life goes on. These kinds of support groups help me a great deal, as I do not have much in the way of family and friends.
 OOPs!! I just reread your message. It was your cousin. The principles are the same. Sorry.
 
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esaubrowne
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November 21, 2006, 9:35 pm PST

Coping with the Death of a Child

Quote From: ddebss

I don't think I'm in denial. It was a sad, sad thing that happened to us all. I was very attached to the baby. Maybe because I'm not "that close" of a relative, I'm able to view it differently as in "getting over it". It feels to me that much more time has passed than actually has.

 

I have been supportive of my niece and my sister. I guess maybe since I want to try to move on and try to get over it, I think they should do the same? I don't know. After I posted my message the first time, I realized how short a time had passed and that some people grieve deeply for years. It has barely been weeks in our case.

 

I suppose I just see my niece's other kids needing and wanting their mother's attention. And I see my sister suffering and stressing and I don't want anything to happen to her.

 

Hmm. Maybe MY way of grieving IS to move on and get over it. I dunno.

 Maybe you could help by giving the other kids some of that missing attention, even if it is in the form of puzzles, books, and cheerful things to help them occupy their time. I am glad you are concerned, and I know if you are not  going through it, is impossible to understand completely. God bless you for caring.
 
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seekingjustice
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December 5, 2006, 12:26 pm PST

7 yr old boy blamed for " causing his own death"

 

Seven-year-old Tyler James was given permission by the adult in charge, to ride his bicycle on a dangerous 55 mile-per-hour highway unsupervised and without a helmet, where he was struck and killed by a criminal with a jaded past.  The only advice he was given by the adult in charge was to," jump in the ditch if you see a car coming." To add insult to injury, the authorities here in Lake County California concluded that seven-year-old Tyler James," caused his own death", and no action was taken against the individuals who allowed him on this dangerous highway without a helmet or supervision. Furthermore, the driver of the vehicle, a registered drug and alcohol offender who was out on bail on two serious DUIs, was allowed to drive away without being asked to submit to proper chemical testing.  I have been seeking justice for going on six years to no avail. It took me several years to get past the initial shock of my sons death, I will never get over the fact that he was blamed for causing his own death, until his death is investigated properly, and those who caused his death are punished.  If you would like to read the whole story about my sons tragic and needless death, and help me expose this terrible injustice by signing an online petition,please  visit my web site at,  www.deathofinnocence.org

          grieving father seeking truth and justice

          

 
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bunny628
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December 8, 2006, 1:46 pm PST

Keep fighting for Tyler James

Quote From: seekingjustice

 

Seven-year-old Tyler James was given permission by the adult in charge, to ride his bicycle on a dangerous 55 mile-per-hour highway unsupervised and without a helmet, where he was struck and killed by a criminal with a jaded past.  The only advice he was given by the adult in charge was to," jump in the ditch if you see a car coming." To add insult to injury, the authorities here in Lake County California concluded that seven-year-old Tyler James," caused his own death", and no action was taken against the individuals who allowed him on this dangerous highway without a helmet or supervision. Furthermore, the driver of the vehicle, a registered drug and alcohol offender who was out on bail on two serious DUIs, was allowed to drive away without being asked to submit to proper chemical testing.  I have been seeking justice for going on six years to no avail. It took me several years to get past the initial shock of my sons death, I will never get over the fact that he was blamed for causing his own death, until his death is investigated properly, and those who caused his death are punished.  If you would like to read the whole story about my sons tragic and needless death, and help me expose this terrible injustice by signing an online petition,please  visit my web site at,  www.deathofinnocence.org

          grieving father seeking truth and justice

          

 I can not Begin to understand how such an injustice is allowed to go on for so long.  Such a terrible loss for you and your family. Keep fighting  for justice for  Tyler James. You are in my prays.
 
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