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Topic : Coping with the Death of a Child

Number of Replies: 757
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Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 03:28:03 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Losing a child is especially traumatic, share your memories, stories and support with others here.

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October 1, 2008, 6:58 am CDT

Maggie

Quote From: maggie55

my head hurts so bad tonite but i thought i'd drop a line and thank Debie for her kindness, to take the time out to say a word or two to me, thank you, dear.

 

till later, love, Maggie

Just keep posting... more and more you will be able to tells us more of you story... Still keeping you in thought and prayer!

 

HUGS~ Debra

 
October 1, 2008, 7:07 am CDT

Each story is different

Quote From: yesaley

October 11 I will be celebrating the birth of my daughter, sadly we will also be dealing with the death of her as well.  My precious daughter lived a short 14 hours due some genetic defects and although ten years have past the pain is as fresh as the day of the unfortanate events.  What hurts the most is that we had no knowledge of anything being wrong, so when the day came when she was ready to come into the world, we had no idea she had a short journey here.  It angers me so much that I had such little time with her.  still remember the way she smelled, the way she felt, how soft she was, how beautiful she was.  She had long black hair yes long, her hair went down to her neck  She was beautiful.  I have heard that time heals all wounds but the loss of a child never really heals.  It has been ten years and I still feel the same pain as that day.  I remember that day as if I were still living it.  It was cloudy which didnt make the situation any bit brighter.   I think of not having her here with me and I just want to scream, I want to reach out to her no matter how far away she is and bring her home.  What would she look like, what would she be like, what would her personality be like?  those are things i will never know and i feel it is so unfair, she was my baby and yet she was taken from me just as fast as she was given to me, why do these things happen.  The anger that i felt that day and the years following just dug such a hole into my heart that for some time i forgot it was this deep.  with her ten year anniversay coming up, it seems as though they are all coming out and I just dont know what to do with them.  I have three beautifu children now and it saddens me tosee them seeing thier mommy upset, and they are young so they dont reallyunderstand why mommy is feeling so sad these past few days.  I am sorry for going on and on but I just have to share my story and hope that someone can relate to my feelings.  Anyhow, i wrote toyou becasue like you, i lost my daughter so soon and I though that you may understand exazctly how i feel.  Please if anyone has any advise how to deal with the death of a baby taken so soon from us please share.      

 Our pain is all the same though.... I have been watching the interviews the have been showing with Paul Newman, since his passing. One of the interviews he was talking about the death of his son and he said, " I don't think it gets better over time, it gets different, but it doesn't get better." I think that he was referring more to the pain part, because overtime, our "bad" days are fewer and farther apart, so that part does get better, but the pain is a constant, never changing, never waivering.

I lost my only child, at the time, when she was 14 yrs old to a car accident on November 8, 2003. This time of year is bittersweet for me. It was OUR favorite time, because we both loved fall and the halloween. But, it also marks the anniversary of her passing.

I can't begin to imagine what you deal with on a daily basis and I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. I wish there were words that could tell you how to deal with your loss, but honestly, you are the one that has that power. Hang tight to your faith, to your family and friends. Know that you are not alone in your travel. There are many of us here with you.

 

Hugs and prayers~

Debra

 
October 2, 2008, 6:16 pm CDT

Thank you

Quote From: debra232006

 Our pain is all the same though.... I have been watching the interviews the have been showing with Paul Newman, since his passing. One of the interviews he was talking about the death of his son and he said, " I don't think it gets better over time, it gets different, but it doesn't get better." I think that he was referring more to the pain part, because overtime, our "bad" days are fewer and farther apart, so that part does get better, but the pain is a constant, never changing, never waivering.

I lost my only child, at the time, when she was 14 yrs old to a car accident on November 8, 2003. This time of year is bittersweet for me. It was OUR favorite time, because we both loved fall and the halloween. But, it also marks the anniversary of her passing.

I can't begin to imagine what you deal with on a daily basis and I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. I wish there were words that could tell you how to deal with your loss, but honestly, you are the one that has that power. Hang tight to your faith, to your family and friends. Know that you are not alone in your travel. There are many of us here with you.

 

Hugs and prayers

Debra

Thank you for your reply.  I also agree that it does get different, the sadness comes fewer and farther apart, but when it comes it comes hard.  There are so many emotions that come with grief that it is just overwhelming to deal with.  I do keep my faith that that he knows why things happen and maybe we should not question it but we are only human and not knowing why thing hap  pen to us only normal during the grieving process.   i just feel i had no time to enjoy her since she was here sucha short time.  i can only hold on to those short moments that i was able to hold her and feel her and it was not enough time.  I feel so angry when i think about that.   I can remember when family and friends would tell me to stop being so sad and crying because it was an act of god and we should except that, as true as that may be, I was hurt and still am, I lost a child I will never be able to see her grow up crawl, learn how to talk, go to school, laugh, hug her when she cries, how dare anyone tell me to move on and except what happened.   What angers me the most is that this pain will live with me forever and yes the days get better and the pain gets somewhat easier but I know that I will always have those days where I will feel pain and cry and miss her and I am not ok with that.  I dont think I ever will.  It has been almost ten years and i still have these feelings of frustration and sadness.  I am glad that i found this website were others feel the same way that i feel who can actually relate with same circumstances  as me.  I want to say to you that likewise, I am sorry for the loss of your daughter.  Thank you for taking the time to reply to my quote.  May god bless you 
 
October 2, 2008, 6:47 pm CDT

It is alright to feel angry

Quote From: sputnik50

He is more than big enough to forgive us when the anger passes.  He holds us in His hands while the anger rages through us.  Anger is a very natural step in the grieving process & one we all must go through.

God does not give us more than we can handle, He just gives us more than we want to handle.

 

My daughter died 15 years ago & my OB/GYN told me then that having your tubes tied is reversible.  I considered myself too old & run down to have another child, so I didn't pursue that option. You might want to talk to your doctor.  I also have a 4 year old nephew that was started in a petri dish, put inside Mommy's womb & is now a typical little boy.  If you do want to have another child, there are many options for you.

 

A little odd the way our lives have mirrored each others.  We too lost our house to fire, only it was a dang squirrel eating through the electrical lines.   I had made a memory box & for my own sanity my husband had asked & I agreed for him to take it to Moms.  So, we still have that and the memories in our hearts no one can erase.  I am from a large family & all my brothers & sisters wanted pictures of our daughter, so we just had them duplicated & now have most of her pictures.  Just another avenue for you to look down.

 

My prayers stay with you & your family.

 

Denise

 

 

I would like to start by saying that i am sortry for the loss of you baby.  I too lost a child ten years ago October 11.  This time of year is very hard for me for a number of reasons.  My precious baby girls was born on a rainy day, (as if that isnt depressing enough most of the time),  a few moments later when we doctors kept rushing into our room and whispering to eachother our happiness was shattered, I new somethinig was wrong.  it was over an hour later when we were told that our beautiful baby girl was not going to survive.  I didnt really understand what was going on, we were supposed to be happy yet we were now having to deal with losing our baby who we just met.  Why was this happening.  The doctors first told us she would last an estimated 5-6 days only on life support, we had a big decision to make, did we want to keep her on life support for that long, we alI knew that could not be comfortable for her, but our selfishness also factored in our decision making, we wanted to be with her as long as we could.  Finally we decided to keep her on the life support for the rest of the day and take her off the following morning.  Well, it just so happened that things would take a turn for the worst, at 8:14 pm, her little innocent body just could not keep fighting and we lost our precious angel.  I still feel angry, sad, frustrated, mad.  How could god do this to us, why would he do this to us, he had to know how much we wanted this little baby girl, how much we loved her.  I still remember how she felt how she smelled, how she looked.  I hold on to those memories with all my might.  It just isnt enough, I want more, I want more and I cant have more.  I do have to say that today I have three other beautiful children.  One of them, my oldest is a spitting image of her (as a new born).  I strongly feel that our little angel does live with us through our other children and she is watching over all of us.  However those bad feelings are also going to be there always.  sorry for going on and on like i did, but i really needed to get this off my chest.  May god bless you and your family now and always.                       

 
October 7, 2008, 1:58 pm CDT

Family

Quote From: yesaley

Thank you for your reply.  I also agree that it does get different, the sadness comes fewer and farther apart, but when it comes it comes hard.  There are so many emotions that come with grief that it is just overwhelming to deal with.  I do keep my faith that that he knows why things happen and maybe we should not question it but we are only human and not knowing why thing hap  pen to us only normal during the grieving process.   i just feel i had no time to enjoy her since she was here sucha short time.  i can only hold on to those short moments that i was able to hold her and feel her and it was not enough time.  I feel so angry when i think about that.   I can remember when family and friends would tell me to stop being so sad and crying because it was an act of god and we should except that, as true as that may be, I was hurt and still am, I lost a child I will never be able to see her grow up crawl, learn how to talk, go to school, laugh, hug her when she cries, how dare anyone tell me to move on and except what happened.   What angers me the most is that this pain will live with me forever and yes the days get better and the pain gets somewhat easier but I know that I will always have those days where I will feel pain and cry and miss her and I am not ok with that.  I dont think I ever will.  It has been almost ten years and i still have these feelings of frustration and sadness.  I am glad that i found this website were others feel the same way that i feel who can actually relate with same circumstances  as me.  I want to say to you that likewise, I am sorry for the loss of your daughter.  Thank you for taking the time to reply to my quote.  May god bless you 

They don't know what we, as parents that have lost a child, feels. And unless you have been there, you can't. There are no words you can attach to the pain that would fully describe it for someone to totally grasp it. I don't understand how people can be so cruel and say "move on" or "get over it." I have had those words said to me on occasion, and I told that person, "I hope you never have to understand what it's like." Their ignornace is bliss for sure. There is no death that can compare to the loss of child, no matter what age we lose our child, from a few hours old to a few decades old, does not matter.  Parents will grieve their loss until they themselves are gone, that is just how it is. I am sorry that you have to deal with people that don't have the compassion to at least attempt to understand. I still deal with those people that said to me occassionally and when they ask me how I am doing, I tell them exactly how I am doing at that moment. If they don't like it, not my problem, they shouldn't have asked.

Have you done any type of counseling in the past? Was it helpful? Do you think you would benefit from some now?

 

HUGS~

Debra

 
October 7, 2008, 6:38 pm CDT

Coping with the Death of a Child

I really don't know how to start this message but I know that I need to stop keeping all my emotions locked up.  On July 3, 2004 my 9 year old daughter was murdered in my home while myself and my other 3 children were asleep.  There isn't a day that goes by that I wish that it was me that was taken.  Upon the capture and confession of the killer we learned that he planned on murdering all of us.  I am very thankful that I have my 3 children and feel that somehow my youngest daughter saved the rest of us from that horrible fate.  I have always been a very strong person and have dealt with most of life's issues very well but this shook me to the core.  I can not remember all the details of the day but what I do remember is that this doesn't happen in real life to real people, this must be a cruel nightmare and I will wake soon.  But no the nightmare was reality.  Not only did we have to bury my daughter but also go thru a painful murder trial where my children had to testify against the murderer.  This part ended almost 2 years after that awful day.

 

I have focussed on getting my children thru this tragedy but haven't dealt with my own feelings.  Now my oldest children are going to college and I have more time on my hands and now the memories creep back into my life.  I rarely talk of that fateful day and have turned down interviews and stories.  This is my first step to heal myself somewhat so I can continue to help my children.

 

I pray that no one has to go thru what any parent does when they lose a child for any reason.  There is no comparison to one anothers feelings and no one will ever know exactly what you feel but knowing others out there care will truly help you cope with the day to day life.

 
October 9, 2008, 8:48 pm CDT

My heart

Quote From: jessiesmother

I really don't know how to start this message but I know that I need to stop keeping all my emotions locked up.  On July 3, 2004 my 9 year old daughter was murdered in my home while myself and my other 3 children were asleep.  There isn't a day that goes by that I wish that it was me that was taken.  Upon the capture and confession of the killer we learned that he planned on murdering all of us.  I am very thankful that I have my 3 children and feel that somehow my youngest daughter saved the rest of us from that horrible fate.  I have always been a very strong person and have dealt with most of life's issues very well but this shook me to the core.  I can not remember all the details of the day but what I do remember is that this doesn't happen in real life to real people, this must be a cruel nightmare and I will wake soon.  But no the nightmare was reality.  Not only did we have to bury my daughter but also go thru a painful murder trial where my children had to testify against the murderer.  This part ended almost 2 years after that awful day.

 

I have focussed on getting my children thru this tragedy but haven't dealt with my own feelings.  Now my oldest children are going to college and I have more time on my hands and now the memories creep back into my life.  I rarely talk of that fateful day and have turned down interviews and stories.  This is my first step to heal myself somewhat so I can continue to help my children.

 

I pray that no one has to go thru what any parent does when they lose a child for any reason.  There is no comparison to one anothers feelings and no one will ever know exactly what you feel but knowing others out there care will truly help you cope with the day to day life.

Sank when I read your post. I can't begin to imagine that horror you and your family have been through. Losing a child is tremadic enough, but to have them murdered is beyond my comprehension. I just want to reach out and give you the biggest hug you have ever had.

Now that your children are grown it is time to turn your focus on yourself. In order for you to continue to nurture them in a healthy way. Seek out counesling, if you have not already, and Compassionate Friends is an awesome organization. You can talk here anytime you like to express whatever is going on with you at any given moment.

I lost my daughter at the age of 14 to a car accident on November 8, 2003. At that time she was my only child. I have since had a son who is 2 now and I tell him stories about his big sister all the time. So I know that gut wrenching, pull your heart out pain. It is trully undescribable. I am SO sorry for your loss.

May God bless you and bring you solace~

 

Debra

 
October 11, 2008, 11:11 pm CDT

Coping with the Death of a Child

On July 14 2005 my only son was taken away from me by someone who had no regard for life. He was shot 6xs sittin in his truck ....He was 28 yrs old and had a heart of gold and loved his family.............I miss him terribly and my heart is empty .  I wish I could just hold him and never let him go .....I tell him how much I love him every day..I find it hard to be happy but I try to .  I go through the motions every day of functioning not really sure why some days,  but everyone tells me life goes on ,..just not sure when. He has a little girl that I dont see much and my daughters seem to have moved on.....I have become distant and at this point not really sure what my purpose in this life is. The pain is unbearable sometimes and I think about stephen and the fun we had.  
 
October 13, 2008, 11:34 am CDT

I hear you

Quote From: cjlough58

On July 14 2005 my only son was taken away from me by someone who had no regard for life. He was shot 6xs sittin in his truck ....He was 28 yrs old and had a heart of gold and loved his family.............I miss him terribly and my heart is empty .  I wish I could just hold him and never let him go .....I tell him how much I love him every day..I find it hard to be happy but I try to .  I go through the motions every day of functioning not really sure why some days,  but everyone tells me life goes on ,..just not sure when. He has a little girl that I dont see much and my daughters seem to have moved on.....I have become distant and at this point not really sure what my purpose in this life is. The pain is unbearable sometimes and I think about stephen and the fun we had.  

Loud and clear! I have been where you are and still have days that I feel like you.

I lost my only child on November 8, 2003. Jessica was 14 at the time and the love of my life. We were best friends as well as Mom and daughter. I can't begin to fathom the loss you have experienced, because each one is unique to the individual. I am SO sorry for the loss of your son. I know you can feel that your daughter's have moved, so many of my family members seem to have done the same. But you have to remember that each of us deal's with grief in our way. And the loss of a child cannot compare to the loss of a sibling. We pay too high a price and suffer so much more pain that it just cannot compare. So, yes while they have lossed a brother and it is difficult, but you have lost a child. The pain will be with you for as long as you are on this earth. Sure, there are days where we get along and we can smile and even laugh at times, but there will always be this emptiness in our heart.

All I want to do is hold my daughter, talk to her, smell her, hear her laughter and never let her go too.... that is normal. It is our paternal instincts, wanting to protect our child. But they are in a place where they are no longer in pain. They don't harbor regret or have anger towards what has happened to them. Some things we just cannot fathom until we are there ourselves. I know one day I will see Jessica again and I will be able to hold her and laugh with her.

Life does go on, no matter how loud we scream for time to just stop. There were days I just wanted to stay in bed because I was so angry that people did not know what I was going through~ and I am referring to bill collectors, telemarketers and so on~ some days it just seemed so overwhelming that I just could not bare to even get out of bed. And that's ok, as long as we don't remain there. Your son wants you to be happy. I know that is hard to fathom, but remember he is in a place that all there is happiness. This, I think, is the hardest part of grief, we that are left here on earth to suffer the loss.

Your purpose in life was to be a Mom to your son and daughters and you are still your son's Mother! Talk about him, share him with anyone. Don't ever forget! Share the fun you had with him, the funny things he did. And I would see about getting more quality time with your Granddaughter, if that is feasable. She needs you just as much as you need her. Someone has to tell her stories of her Dad so she never forgets!

I had the hardest time trying to find purpose with my life after my Jessica died that I was lost. So, I started helping other parents who have lost their children. I started up the Memorial Garden we now have the high school where my daughter went to school, because the year she passed that school had lost 5 students. It took 2 years to complete, but it was well worth the work and it was awesome therapy for me. Maybe you could incorporate a garden in your own yard to have in rememberance of your son. Did he have a favorite flower? A favorite color? Did he collect anything? All of these things you could incorporate into that garden. Just a few suggestions, but make it your own. (If this is possible)

Keep posting and we are here to listen when you need us!

 

HUGS~Debra

 
October 13, 2008, 5:57 pm CDT

lost daughter Feb 5th 2008

 I lost my daughter at the tender age of 17 just months shy of graduation... Something she was so excited about doing...Its so hard to go on daily without your child....Its so wrong!!!! There was never no way I could have braced myself for the kind of pain a parent feels when they are faced with a death of their child....I never thought the human emotion could ever fell so terrible with dark and gloomy sadness....I feel at times there is no way out of this...this is my Life sentence...My daughter Carrie had so much to live for and was going to do so many wonderful things she was so beautiful and smart and I know she would have made such a huge difference in this world... I ask myself WHY did I let her go out on a school night? I would have never let her go out but she was going to spend the night with a friend because her daddy was painting her bedroom and the fumes were strong...I was reluctant to let her go and I can her her voice as plain and day saying...but mom...I'm going to be 18 soon and you cant go on babying me....take my advice mothers who have never lost a child...baby your children...love them and never give in if something doesnt feel right...Carrie died in one of the safest cars on the market...she was not speeding...and she WAS wearing her seatbelt....we to this day dont know what caused her to lose control of her car...she hit a tree that was very small...it was a freak accident...I will never ever get over this as long as I live....and I feel so bad for parents who have lost their child....if theres a hell....this is it....I pray every day that God takes aways some of the pain in my heart so I can be a good mother to my youngest daughter....I want to be the person, mom,wife,daughter,friend, sister, aunt, I once was....but I don't think that will ever happen...I'm forever changed...
 
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