Topic : Coping with the Death of a Child

Just keep posting... more and more you will be able to tells us more of you story... Still keeping you in thought and prayer!

HUGS~ Debra

 Our pain is all the same though.... I have been watching the interviews the have been showing with Paul Newman, since his passing. One of the interviews he was talking about the death of his son and he said, " I don't think it gets better over time, it gets different, but it doesn't get better." I think that he was referring more to the pain part, because overtime, our "bad" days are fewer and farther apart, so that part does get better, but the pain is a constant, never changing, never waivering.

I lost my only child, at the time, when she was 14 yrs old to a car accident on November 8, 2003. This time of year is bittersweet for me. It was OUR favorite time, because we both loved fall and the halloween. But, it also marks the anniversary of her passing.

I can't begin to imagine what you deal with on a daily basis and I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. I wish there were words that could tell you how to deal with your loss, but honestly, you are the one that has that power. Hang tight to your faith, to your family and friends. Know that you are not alone in your travel. There are many of us here with you.

Hugs and prayers~

Debra

I would like to start by saying that i am sortry for the loss of you baby.  I too lost a child ten years ago October 11.  This time of year is very hard for me for a number of reasons.  My precious baby girls was born on a rainy day, (as if that isnt depressing enough most of the time),  a few moments later when we doctors kept rushing into our room and whispering to eachother our happiness was shattered, I new somethinig was wrong.  it was over an hour later when we were told that our beautiful baby girl was not going to survive.  I didnt really understand what was going on, we were supposed to be happy yet we were now having to deal with losing our baby who we just met.  Why was this happening.  The doctors first told us she would last an estimated 5-6 days only on life support, we had a big decision to make, did we want to keep her on life support for that long, we alI knew that could not be comfortable for her, but our selfishness also factored in our decision making, we wanted to be with her as long as we could.  Finally we decided to keep her on the life support for the rest of the day and take her off the following morning.  Well, it just so happened that things would take a turn for the worst, at 8:14 pm, her little innocent body just could not keep fighting and we lost our precious angel.  I still feel angry, sad, frustrated, mad.  How could god do this to us, why would he do this to us, he had to know how much we wanted this little baby girl, how much we loved her.  I still remember how she felt how she smelled, how she looked.  I hold on to those memories with all my might.  It just isnt enough, I want more, I want more and I cant have more.  I do have to say that today I have three other beautiful children.  One of them, my oldest is a spitting image of her (as a new born).  I strongly feel that our little angel does live with us through our other children and she is watching over all of us.  However those bad feelings are also going to be there always.  sorry for going on and on like i did, but i really needed to get this off my chest.  May god bless you and your family now and always.                       

They don't know what we, as parents that have lost a child, feels. And unless you have been there, you can't. There are no words you can attach to the pain that would fully describe it for someone to totally grasp it. I don't understand how people can be so cruel and say "move on" or "get over it." I have had those words said to me on occasion, and I told that person, "I hope you never have to understand what it's like." Their ignornace is bliss for sure. There is no death that can compare to the loss of child, no matter what age we lose our child, from a few hours old to a few decades old, does not matter.  Parents will grieve their loss until they themselves are gone, that is just how it is. I am sorry that you have to deal with people that don't have the compassion to at least attempt to understand. I still deal with those people that said to me occassionally and when they ask me how I am doing, I tell them exactly how I am doing at that moment. If they don't like it, not my problem, they shouldn't have asked.

Have you done any type of counseling in the past? Was it helpful? Do you think you would benefit from some now?

HUGS~

Debra

I really don't know how to start this message but I know that I need to stop keeping all my emotions locked up.  On July 3, 2004 my 9 year old daughter was murdered in my home while myself and my other 3 children were asleep.  There isn't a day that goes by that I wish that it was me that was taken.  Upon the capture and confession of the killer we learned that he planned on murdering all of us.  I am very thankful that I have my 3 children and feel that somehow my youngest daughter saved the rest of us from that horrible fate.  I have always been a very strong person and have dealt with most of life's issues very well but this shook me to the core.  I can not remember all the details of the day but what I do remember is that this doesn't happen in real life to real people, this must be a cruel nightmare and I will wake soon.  But no the nightmare was reality.  Not only did we have to bury my daughter but also go thru a painful murder trial where my children had to testify against the murderer.  This part ended almost 2 years after that awful day.

I have focussed on getting my children thru this tragedy but haven't dealt with my own feelings.  Now my oldest children are going to college and I have more time on my hands and now the memories creep back into my life.  I rarely talk of that fateful day and have turned down interviews and stories.  This is my first step to heal myself somewhat so I can continue to help my children.

I pray that no one has to go thru what any parent does when they lose a child for any reason.  There is no comparison to one anothers feelings and no one will ever know exactly what you feel but knowing others out there care will truly help you cope with the day to day life.

Sank when I read your post. I can't begin to imagine that horror you and your family have been through. Losing a child is tremadic enough, but to have them murdered is beyond my comprehension. I just want to reach out and give you the biggest hug you have ever had.

Now that your children are grown it is time to turn your focus on yourself. In order for you to continue to nurture them in a healthy way. Seek out counesling, if you have not already, and Compassionate Friends is an awesome organization. You can talk here anytime you like to express whatever is going on with you at any given moment.

I lost my daughter at the age of 14 to a car accident on November 8, 2003. At that time she was my only child. I have since had a son who is 2 now and I tell him stories about his big sister all the time. So I know that gut wrenching, pull your heart out pain. It is trully undescribable. I am SO sorry for your loss.

May God bless you and bring you solace~

Debra

Loud and clear! I have been where you are and still have days that I feel like you.

I lost my only child on November 8, 2003. Jessica was 14 at the time and the love of my life. We were best friends as well as Mom and daughter. I can't begin to fathom the loss you have experienced, because each one is unique to the individual. I am SO sorry for the loss of your son. I know you can feel that your daughter's have moved, so many of my family members seem to have done the same. But you have to remember that each of us deal's with grief in our way. And the loss of a child cannot compare to the loss of a sibling. We pay too high a price and suffer so much more pain that it just cannot compare. So, yes while they have lossed a brother and it is difficult, but you have lost a child. The pain will be with you for as long as you are on this earth. Sure, there are days where we get along and we can smile and even laugh at times, but there will always be this emptiness in our heart.

All I want to do is hold my daughter, talk to her, smell her, hear her laughter and never let her go too.... that is normal. It is our paternal instincts, wanting to protect our child. But they are in a place where they are no longer in pain. They don't harbor regret or have anger towards what has happened to them. Some things we just cannot fathom until we are there ourselves. I know one day I will see Jessica again and I will be able to hold her and laugh with her.

Life does go on, no matter how loud we scream for time to just stop. There were days I just wanted to stay in bed because I was so angry that people did not know what I was going through~ and I am referring to bill collectors, telemarketers and so on~ some days it just seemed so overwhelming that I just could not bare to even get out of bed. And that's ok, as long as we don't remain there. Your son wants you to be happy. I know that is hard to fathom, but remember he is in a place that all there is happiness. This, I think, is the hardest part of grief, we that are left here on earth to suffer the loss.

Your purpose in life was to be a Mom to your son and daughters and you are still your son's Mother! Talk about him, share him with anyone. Don't ever forget! Share the fun you had with him, the funny things he did. And I would see about getting more quality time with your Granddaughter, if that is feasable. She needs you just as much as you need her. Someone has to tell her stories of her Dad so she never forgets!

I had the hardest time trying to find purpose with my life after my Jessica died that I was lost. So, I started helping other parents who have lost their children. I started up the Memorial Garden we now have the high school where my daughter went to school, because the year she passed that school had lost 5 students. It took 2 years to complete, but it was well worth the work and it was awesome therapy for me. Maybe you could incorporate a garden in your own yard to have in rememberance of your son. Did he have a favorite flower? A favorite color? Did he collect anything? All of these things you could incorporate into that garden. Just a few suggestions, but make it your own. (If this is possible)

Keep posting and we are here to listen when you need us!

HUGS~Debra