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Topic : Coping with the Death of a Child

Number of Replies: 757
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Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 03:28:03 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Losing a child is especially traumatic, share your memories, stories and support with others here.

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October 14, 2008, 4:47 pm CDT

I feel like you

Quote From: missing_carrie

 I lost my daughter at the tender age of 17 just months shy of graduation... Something she was so excited about doing...Its so hard to go on daily without your child....Its so wrong!!!! There was never no way I could have braced myself for the kind of pain a parent feels when they are faced with a death of their child....I never thought the human emotion could ever fell so terrible with dark and gloomy sadness....I feel at times there is no way out of this...this is my Life sentence...My daughter Carrie had so much to live for and was going to do so many wonderful things she was so beautiful and smart and I know she would have made such a huge difference in this world... I ask myself WHY did I let her go out on a school night? I would have never let her go out but she was going to spend the night with a friend because her daddy was painting her bedroom and the fumes were strong...I was reluctant to let her go and I can her her voice as plain and day saying...but mom...I'm going to be 18 soon and you cant go on babying me....take my advice mothers who have never lost a child...baby your children...love them and never give in if something doesnt feel right...Carrie died in one of the safest cars on the market...she was not speeding...and she WAS wearing her seatbelt....we to this day dont know what caused her to lose control of her car...she hit a tree that was very small...it was a freak accident...I will never ever get over this as long as I live....and I feel so bad for parents who have lost their child....if theres a hell....this is it....I pray every day that God takes aways some of the pain in my heart so I can be a good mother to my youngest daughter....I want to be the person, mom,wife,daughter,friend, sister, aunt, I once was....but I don't think that will ever happen...I'm forever changed...

I too lost my daughter, Jessica, when she had so much to live for and she was SO loving and caring. She was the one that all the kids went too when they had a problem, she always had a way of making people feel good. She was also VERY into basketball, she lived for it. She wanted to become a coach. She loved to mentor younger children.

I knew I should have gone to pick her up from her cousin's house, but my brakes were on the way out and I thought if they were willing to bring her home that was better. She was coming home to get ready to go out with friends for dinner and a movie. She was only 14 but she was very social. Her cousin was 23 at the time, a single Mom, and she made a left turn in front of an oncoming car. There was a grain truck in front of her and this intersection as an S curve in it and she did not see the car coming at them. My daughter took the full brunt of the hit. I can't begin to describe what I felt when I got to the scene and was told they had to air lift my daughter because they were not sure she was going to make it. I could not get to the hospital fast enough. It was awful. He anniversary date is coming, November 8, 2003. And, everytime, her date approaches, I start having nightmares, I get irritable, fatigue, and I never want to do anything. So, I push myself everyday because I have a job and now am a Mom of an adorable 2 year little boy, Dennis. So, I can't just come home and climb into bed like I want too. Somedays I am so full of emptiness and darkness I can't beleive that it has been 5 years, when it feels like it was just yesterday. And there are days when it feels like it has been a lifetime, because I miss her SO much!

The pain associated with losing a child is nothing that we can put into words. It does help to communicate with parents that have because they totally get why you feel the way you do and you don't even have to tell them. That is the one good thing, among others, that this board does for parents.

Your right, this is hell, and I can't wait to wake up one day in heaven to see her again, because I know I will.

But you do have to find a way to be all those things you want to be. Will you ever be the same? How could you after losing your child? There is no way we will ever be what was, we have to find ourselves again and in a new way. Does that mean we move on, YES. For the love we have lost, we must. Does it mean we forget, hell no! We take everything we can along the way. I talk to people about Jessica daily. I make sure that someone, somewhere has heard about her in someway. She lives on in me, as your daughter does in you. And you have another little angel in your home that needs you just as much as you need her. You are forever changed! But that doesn't mean you can't find your way again. There is never an easy answer to the greatest pain we experience. And I know that your Angel in Heaven was spared something much greater than we can comprehend. I am a firm beleiver that everything happens for a reason, whether we are willing to accept it or not, it happened.

Keep praying, keep your family close to you, and keep talking about your daughter.

 

HUGS~

Debra

 
October 19, 2008, 10:36 pm CDT

Coping with the Death of a Child

Quote From: debra232006

Sank when I read your post. I can't begin to imagine that horror you and your family have been through. Losing a child is tremadic enough, but to have them murdered is beyond my comprehension. I just want to reach out and give you the biggest hug you have ever had.

Now that your children are grown it is time to turn your focus on yourself. In order for you to continue to nurture them in a healthy way. Seek out counesling, if you have not already, and Compassionate Friends is an awesome organization. You can talk here anytime you like to express whatever is going on with you at any given moment.

I lost my daughter at the age of 14 to a car accident on November 8, 2003. At that time she was my only child. I have since had a son who is 2 now and I tell him stories about his big sister all the time. So I know that gut wrenching, pull your heart out pain. It is trully undescribable. I am SO sorry for your loss.

May God bless you and bring you solace

 

Debra

I appreciate your kind words. Just posting my message has helped more than I expected. No matter how a mother loses a child and at any age we all share the same bond. It is such an unnatural course of life. No one should have to bury a child. All I can urge all parents to do is too live and enjoy each and everyday with their loved ones.
 
October 19, 2008, 11:45 pm CDT

Lost one of my angels 78 days ago

I have to agree with the messages that I have read on here. The loss of my son 78 days ago is like living in a hell that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I always knew that there was a high risk of losing one of the twins-the Drs have given up on them so many times, but this time God decided to take my little angel. I thought the divorce almost 3 years ago was hard, but this loss is indescribable.

I was very blessed that God chose to give us our twins almost 16 years ago. They came into this world at 26 weeks gestation and have had multiple disabilities. Both children were diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy, seizures and Hydrocephalus. Neither of the twins have ever walked. My son, Brandon was blind and non-verbal, but Ashley his little sister by 1 minute is verbal and queen of the world. I have a Bachelor's Degree, but stopped working when the twins came home from the NICU. Both children have been homebound due to low immune systems-they can't be around large groups of people. I was watching the show about stress the other night and was amazed at some of the things that stress people out. The twins’ dad decided to leave in January 2006 right after the twins turned 13. They had a very tough time with it and will never understand it. Then Brandon started having an increase in health problems and was in and out of the children's hospital for the past year and a half. When they told me that there was nothing else they could do this past June, I talked to all of his doctors and chose to keep him at home with Ashley and mommy. I sat up with him around the clock and will always treasure that time with him-he wasn't very responsive, but you could watch the monitors change if anyone suggested mommy go somewhere. Sadly, God took him Home to Heaven on August 2nd. He passed away in my arms. Now I still can't sleep and Ashley can tell you that he's in Heaven, but she tells God that "He's had DeDe(her name for Brandon) long enough to fix his boo-boos and can send him back now." She's mad at me because she thinks I should just go get him. She's having a very tough time with increased seizures due to stress and lack of sleep. They've changed her meds and hopefully that will help. My best friend has been wonderful. She lost one of her triplets at 15 days.  The other two boys are now 10 and she listens to me when I get too stressed. My mom had me watch the show on suicide and I did, but I told her that is one thing she never has to worry about-I have a strong faith in God and was raised by wonderful parents. I lost my dad in 1994, but still have my mom and a step-dad that have been here to help me as much as anyone can at this time. The theory of the stress show with the music and smelling the rose didn't seem very helpful to me-I'm just dealing with everything the best I can and have stuck with my theory when the twins were born, just think about it 1 day at a time. Not sure why I'm writing all this on here, but after the stress show I wanted to take the stress test and didn't find it and so I found myself writing while I'm sitting with my little girl. If anyone has advice I'll be happy to listen.

 
October 22, 2008, 11:45 am CDT

missing my carrie

 Today is Oct. 22nd and its been 8 months since my beautiful daughter died...I feel for all you moms & Dads who have lost their children....Its so hard isn't it? Everyday is a struggle to breath and go on and do the "normal" daily routine...I think losing a child is as close to death a parent could come without dieing.

 I'm not sure how I will ever or if I will ever get through this swamp of pain. Prayer is a poweful tool...I think everyone who is reading this Blog should take a moment and say a prayer for all the mothers & fathers who have lost their child.....and ask God to just give them peace and take away the pain in their heart ...

 

God Bless....Deb

 
October 24, 2008, 3:15 pm CDT

God Bless

Quote From: ftmomoftwins

I have to agree with the messages that I have read on here. The loss of my son 78 days ago is like living in a hell that I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. I always knew that there was a high risk of losing one of the twins-the Drs have given up on them so many times, but this time God decided to take my little angel. I thought the divorce almost 3 years ago was hard, but this loss is indescribable.

I was very blessed that God chose to give us our twins almost 16 years ago. They came into this world at 26 weeks gestation and have had multiple disabilities. Both children were diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy, seizures and Hydrocephalus. Neither of the twins have ever walked. My son, Brandon was blind and non-verbal, but Ashley his little sister by 1 minute is verbal and queen of the world. I have a Bachelor's Degree, but stopped working when the twins came home from the NICU. Both children have been homebound due to low immune systems-they can't be around large groups of people. I was watching the show about stress the other night and was amazed at some of the things that stress people out. The twins dad decided to leave in January 2006 right after the twins turned 13. They had a very tough time with it and will never understand it. Then Brandon started having an increase in health problems and was in and out of the children's hospital for the past year and a half. When they told me that there was nothing else they could do this past June, I talked to all of his doctors and chose to keep him at home with Ashley and mommy. I sat up with him around the clock and will always treasure that time with him-he wasn't very responsive, but you could watch the monitors change if anyone suggested mommy go somewhere. Sadly, God took him Home to Heaven on August 2nd. He passed away in my arms. Now I still can't sleep and Ashley can tell you that he's in Heaven, but she tells God that "He's had DeDe(her name for Brandon) long enough to fix his boo-boos and can send him back now." She's mad at me because she thinks I should just go get him. She's having a very tough time with increased seizures due to stress and lack of sleep. They've changed her meds and hopefully that will help. My best friend has been wonderful. She lost one of her triplets at 15 days.  The other two boys are now 10 and she listens to me when I get too stressed. My mom had me watch the show on suicide and I did, but I told her that is one thing she never has to worry about-I have a strong faith in God and was raised by wonderful parents. I lost my dad in 1994, but still have my mom and a step-dad that have been here to help me as much as anyone can at this time. The theory of the stress show with the music and smelling the rose didn't seem very helpful to me-I'm just dealing with everything the best I can and have stuck with my theory when the twins were born, just think about it 1 day at a time. Not sure why I'm writing all this on here, but after the stress show I wanted to take the stress test and didn't find it and so I found myself writing while I'm sitting with my little girl. If anyone has advice I'll be happy to listen.

YOu and your family! You have been through some times for sure. Your theory about taking one day at a time is just the thing to do. Sometimes, it's taking one step at time, one minute at a time. Whatever it takes to get us to the next.

HUGS~

Debra

 
October 24, 2008, 3:18 pm CDT

God Bless

Quote From: missing_carrie

 Today is Oct. 22nd and its been 8 months since my beautiful daughter died...I feel for all you moms & Dads who have lost their children....Its so hard isn't it? Everyday is a struggle to breath and go on and do the "normal" daily routine...I think losing a child is as close to death a parent could come without dieing.

 I'm not sure how I will ever or if I will ever get through this swamp of pain. Prayer is a poweful tool...I think everyone who is reading this Blog should take a moment and say a prayer for all the mothers & fathers who have lost their child.....and ask God to just give them peace and take away the pain in their heart ...

 

God Bless....Deb

You and your family! I am so sorry for your loss.

There will come a time when you will see the sunshine again, PROMISE. When that is, I can't say. We each travel in our journey at different speeds. Hang tight to your faith and to family.

HUGS~
Debra

 
October 28, 2008, 6:47 pm CDT

grieving parents r in a class all of their own..

 A parent or parents who have lost their child are in a class all of their own...I'ts a club that noone wants to join...the sadness is so gut wrenching and miss understood by those who are lucky enough to have never lost their child...waking up without your child and living without ever seeing your child again is like free falling in a abyss of complete darkness....When will the spark of light & happiness ever shine through again?...I don't know...I just don't know......I pray every day for it....
 
October 29, 2008, 4:46 am CDT

I am so very sorry to an parent who has lost a child.

I lost my baby girl January 27, 1999. Some say that I am ignorant to think that I can say I know how it feels to lose a child because I was still pregnant and Sierra was a still born. I have never, nor will I ever try to compare my loss to anyone Else's, but I do know how much it hurt. My husband wanted so badly to be a father, that when I told him the news that he was going to be one, everyday was like Christmas for him.Then tragedy struck. January 22 1999, He came home from working the night shift and I was still asleep. He liked to watch T.V. in our room, which always seemed to wake me up, so he sectioned off our room with a blanket. I woke up, and at first thought I had wet the bed. Embarrassed, I shuffled off the bed to discover that my water had broke, i was 5 1/2 months pregnant. Our car was not working at the time, so I called a friend who rushed me to the hospital. My OBGYN came into my room and the first thing out of his mouth was, "what did you do to break your water" I was furious, I said I was sleeping. He did an internal exam and walked out saying he would be back within the hour. 38 hours later I told a nurse that I demand to see him and if he isn't here withing 5 minutes, I was leaving. He walked into my room, leaned against the counter and said "You are such a selfish little b**ch" I lost it and told him he had no right to treat me like this. He told me to calm down, put my feet up and relax. That was it, I said I wanted to leave. I signed the forms and left. I had never gone through this before and did not know what to do. January 26, I went back to the hospital, another OBGYN took one look at my chart, admitted me into the hospital and ordered and ambulance take me to another city that could better deal with me. She was irate. My husband was told he could not come with me, the hospital I was going to was over 2 hours away. Halfway there, one of the EMT's found out that my husband was told he could not come, he said if the situation wasn't so grave, he would turn around and go get him. Once at the new hospital, I was surrounded by so many Dr.s and nurses, I was overwhelmed. I was so scared, and alone. I was given a steroid shot in my thigh to try to help the baby. My labor stopped and everything seemed alright. The next morning while checking on me, they discovered the babies heart rate had dropped to 3 beats per minute. They rushed me to ultrasound and said they could give me an emergency c-section, but sadly there was less then a 1% chance the baby would survive. Through tears and disbelief, I told them to let her go in peace. I asked to be left alone, and I watched on the monitor as my babies heart stopped beating. I wished so badly to have had my husband there, I had no one. I delivered Sierra Lanae later that day, I held her for hours and just cried. I had a nurse Robin, my angel, who stayed with me from the time she got on shift, until I went home 2 days later.  She bought me a calling card to call my husband and family, she and another nurse bought my little lost angel an outfit. I will never forget what they did for me, and for Sierra. I found out later that if ur water breaks, the baby must be delivered within 24 hours, Sierra was born 5 days after mine broke. Too add so much more hurt to my already broken heart. My mom, husband and brother in law came to get me. On the way home we stopped at my brother's, my mom called the funeral home, I just couldn't do it. My brother knew Sierra's body needed to stay cold, and some will say it is sick, I don't care. He cleaned out his freezer and placed the tiny box in which she lay inside. My sister in law at the time, started screaming that she wanted the food thrown out since my brother "stuck that vile thing in the freezer" Had I not been so emotionally lost, I am sure she would have lost more then a few teeth right then. Thank you for letting me tell my story. And again, I would never compare myself to anyone who has lost a child, my heart goes out to each and every mother, father, grandparent, sibling, aunt, uncle, anyone who has lost a child.

 
October 29, 2008, 2:02 pm CDT

Losing a child

Quote From: egryeyes

I lost my baby girl January 27, 1999. Some say that I am ignorant to think that I can say I know how it feels to lose a child because I was still pregnant and Sierra was a still born. I have never, nor will I ever try to compare my loss to anyone Else's, but I do know how much it hurt. My husband wanted so badly to be a father, that when I told him the news that he was going to be one, everyday was like Christmas for him.Then tragedy struck. January 22 1999, He came home from working the night shift and I was still asleep. He liked to watch T.V. in our room, which always seemed to wake me up, so he sectioned off our room with a blanket. I woke up, and at first thought I had wet the bed. Embarrassed, I shuffled off the bed to discover that my water had broke, i was 5 1/2 months pregnant. Our car was not working at the time, so I called a friend who rushed me to the hospital. My OBGYN came into my room and the first thing out of his mouth was, "what did you do to break your water" I was furious, I said I was sleeping. He did an internal exam and walked out saying he would be back within the hour. 38 hours later I told a nurse that I demand to see him and if he isn't here withing 5 minutes, I was leaving. He walked into my room, leaned against the counter and said "You are such a selfish little b**ch" I lost it and told him he had no right to treat me like this. He told me to calm down, put my feet up and relax. That was it, I said I wanted to leave. I signed the forms and left. I had never gone through this before and did not know what to do. January 26, I went back to the hospital, another OBGYN took one look at my chart, admitted me into the hospital and ordered and ambulance take me to another city that could better deal with me. She was irate. My husband was told he could not come with me, the hospital I was going to was over 2 hours away. Halfway there, one of the EMT's found out that my husband was told he could not come, he said if the situation wasn't so grave, he would turn around and go get him. Once at the new hospital, I was surrounded by so many Dr.s and nurses, I was overwhelmed. I was so scared, and alone. I was given a steroid shot in my thigh to try to help the baby. My labor stopped and everything seemed alright. The next morning while checking on me, they discovered the babies heart rate had dropped to 3 beats per minute. They rushed me to ultrasound and said they could give me an emergency c-section, but sadly there was less then a 1% chance the baby would survive. Through tears and disbelief, I told them to let her go in peace. I asked to be left alone, and I watched on the monitor as my babies heart stopped beating. I wished so badly to have had my husband there, I had no one. I delivered Sierra Lanae later that day, I held her for hours and just cried. I had a nurse Robin, my angel, who stayed with me from the time she got on shift, until I went home 2 days later.  She bought me a calling card to call my husband and family, she and another nurse bought my little lost angel an outfit. I will never forget what they did for me, and for Sierra. I found out later that if ur water breaks, the baby must be delivered within 24 hours, Sierra was born 5 days after mine broke. Too add so much more hurt to my already broken heart. My mom, husband and brother in law came to get me. On the way home we stopped at my brother's, my mom called the funeral home, I just couldn't do it. My brother knew Sierra's body needed to stay cold, and some will say it is sick, I don't care. He cleaned out his freezer and placed the tiny box in which she lay inside. My sister in law at the time, started screaming that she wanted the food thrown out since my brother "stuck that vile thing in the freezer" Had I not been so emotionally lost, I am sure she would have lost more then a few teeth right then. Thank you for letting me tell my story. And again, I would never compare myself to anyone who has lost a child, my heart goes out to each and every mother, father, grandparent, sibling, aunt, uncle, anyone who has lost a child.

It doesn't matter at what age our child was when we lost  them, it is still a loss. Your's is no different and should not be any less to anyone. I cannot believe the horror you endured! How calous some people can be is beyond my comprehention. When I read your post my heart aches for you and your family. The ignorance of those that were involved is criminal in my eyes.

I am SO sorry you had to go through such a painful time in your life. It should have been handled so differently. Being from the medical field myself, I am appalled at that actions of the doctor and the lack of empathy! But, your nurse Robin, shows  you that not all medical people can be so cruel. God knew you needed an Angel with you and that is why Robin was there for you.

It doesn't matter who, when, or where we lose our child, the pain and devastation is all the same. It is a pain that cannot be put into words and one child loss is no more painless just because of their age! You deserve to grieve, just as any parent that has lost a child, and if anyone tells you differently, walk the other way.

I lost my only child to a car accident on November 8, 2003. Jessica was 14 and was everything to me. Your Sierra was the same to you! I hope that you have a good support system and that you have found healthy relationships to get you through this time. It is a road we will travel until we ourselves are gone and the journey can be long and lonely if you don't. I pray for you and your family that God will give you peace and grace.

 ~HUGS~

Debra

 
October 29, 2008, 2:03 pm CDT

HUGS

Quote From: missing_carrie

 A parent or parents who have lost their child are in a class all of their own...I'ts a club that noone wants to join...the sadness is so gut wrenching and miss understood by those who are lucky enough to have never lost their child...waking up without your child and living without ever seeing your child again is like free falling in a abyss of complete darkness....When will the spark of light & happiness ever shine through again?...I don't know...I just don't know......I pray every day for it....
 
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