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Topic : Coping with the Death of a Child

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Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 03:28:03 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Losing a child is especially traumatic, share your memories, stories and support with others here.

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November 1, 2008, 7:16 pm CDT

I understand

Quote From: esaubrowne

 My son, Isaac G. Browne, committed suicide on Sept. 17, 2005 @ approx. 1:30 AM.  He was 24 1/2 years old, and had just finished 19 summer hours at a local community college, getting almost all A's. He got just one B.   The hardest thing, I have heard said, is to lose an adult child.  There is not time, usually, to "try again."  Also, the parent has invested many years into raising them, and  has had a  long history of life experience with them,.  As with any death, particularly a child's death, it is never the immediate circumstance alone - a suicide, a car accident, a disease - there is always a story behind it.  And that is what I intend to do as soon as I can and I am ready, to tell Isaac's story.  Perhaps a compilation of stories would make a good book!!
I also lost a child, my only, to suicide.  She had just graduated from medical school,  No one knows why this happened.  I have the same feelings you do; it feels like everything I see reminds me of her.  I think you are amazing to want to write Isaac's story. 
 
November 2, 2008, 4:03 pm CST

Coping with the Death of a Child

Quote From: mombeee

I also lost a child, my only, to suicide.  She had just graduated from medical school,  No one knows why this happened.  I have the same feelings you do; it feels like everything I see reminds me of her.  I think you are amazing to want to write Isaac's story. 
 i'm so sorry to hear about your soon Isaac...its so hard to lose a child but to murder or suicide has got to be the double whammy...because you have those extra questions....the pain is still the same I would think  I only say that because I feel such pain losing my daughter last feb, at the age of 17 I just can't think of the pain any worse...I think the next step would be death itself....just like I said ...parents who have lost their children are in a class all alone...its a club noone wants to be in...I know your pain is still so fresh...and it will remain that way for a long time....I'm still in a fog...I'm fighting every day to just maintain...are you into any counseling? it somewhat helps me...even if it helps for the moment...i'll do it...I didn't catch it but was Isaac your only child? and to the lady who has lost her only daughter to suicide how long ago has it been for you?...Ladies i'm going on 9 months living without my oldest daughter...and the pain is still just alive today as it was the night we found out...it still feels like a nightmare......but i do feel good about saying this.....my Carrie along with all of your children are in heaven and would not want to come back for anything....and they were not suffering and they are more happy than they could ever be on this earth....and you will feel them around...from time to time....embrace their spirit and love them....they still need to feel our love....i know its so hard being without time...at times it feels impossible....but you get through another day....and sometimes you have no clue how u did it....but u just do....so maybe there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel....we need to support each other...listen to each others story....and embrace each other through words....& prayers....much love to all of you strong ladies...
 
November 6, 2008, 12:17 pm CST

Thank you so much Debra.

Quote From: debra232006

It doesn't matter at what age our child was when we lost  them, it is still a loss. Your's is no different and should not be any less to anyone. I cannot believe the horror you endured! How calous some people can be is beyond my comprehention. When I read your post my heart aches for you and your family. The ignorance of those that were involved is criminal in my eyes.

I am SO sorry you had to go through such a painful time in your life. It should have been handled so differently. Being from the medical field myself, I am appalled at that actions of the doctor and the lack of empathy! But, your nurse Robin, shows  you that not all medical people can be so cruel. God knew you needed an Angel with you and that is why Robin was there for you.

It doesn't matter who, when, or where we lose our child, the pain and devastation is all the same. It is a pain that cannot be put into words and one child loss is no more painless just because of their age! You deserve to grieve, just as any parent that has lost a child, and if anyone tells you differently, walk the other way.

I lost my only child to a car accident on November 8, 2003. Jessica was 14 and was everything to me. Your Sierra was the same to you! I hope that you have a good support system and that you have found healthy relationships to get you through this time. It is a road we will travel until we ourselves are gone and the journey can be long and lonely if you don't. I pray for you and your family that God will give you peace and grace.

 HUGS

Debra

Your words meant a lot to me.I am so sorry that you lost your daughter. I do have great support. My sister sadly also delivered a still born, she was and is my rock. When times get tough, we try to use laughter. We try not to think of the what ifs, instead we think about our little angels watching over us and shaking their heads at the stupid things we do, and possibly up in heaven telling their friends that they don't know us when we do something extremely stupid, which happens a lot when we get together. Thank you for saying that losing Sierra is not unlike losing a child you have gotten to know. I see that the anniversary of Jessica's passing is in two days, again, I am so sorry. Every year on Sierra's day, my husband and two children get together and do something as a family.My daughter Madeline was born after we lost Sierra, but she knows all about her. She has Sierra's urn in her room and always tells me the Sierra is there watching over her. Maddy was born on my birthday and I have always believed she was a gift given to me during the hardest time of my life. Robin was my angel. She was the one who made me hold on when I thought I couldn't go any further. As for the Dr. who treated me so badly, he is still practicing, I wanted to sue him, but was told there was only a year to file, and I was pregnant with Maddy during that year, and refused to lose another baby because of him. All I can do is tell my story and hope no one else suffers the same tragedy at his hands. My thoughts are with you and your family, and with Jessica. I am sure they are all looking down at us and smiling.

 hugs bk.

Joie.

 
November 7, 2008, 8:56 am CST

Felt The Same about Jessica

Quote From: egryeyes

Your words meant a lot to me.I am so sorry that you lost your daughter. I do have great support. My sister sadly also delivered a still born, she was and is my rock. When times get tough, we try to use laughter. We try not to think of the what ifs, instead we think about our little angels watching over us and shaking their heads at the stupid things we do, and possibly up in heaven telling their friends that they don't know us when we do something extremely stupid, which happens a lot when we get together. Thank you for saying that losing Sierra is not unlike losing a child you have gotten to know. I see that the anniversary of Jessica's passing is in two days, again, I am so sorry. Every year on Sierra's day, my husband and two children get together and do something as a family.My daughter Madeline was born after we lost Sierra, but she knows all about her. She has Sierra's urn in her room and always tells me the Sierra is there watching over her. Maddy was born on my birthday and I have always believed she was a gift given to me during the hardest time of my life. Robin was my angel. She was the one who made me hold on when I thought I couldn't go any further. As for the Dr. who treated me so badly, he is still practicing, I wanted to sue him, but was told there was only a year to file, and I was pregnant with Maddy during that year, and refused to lose another baby because of him. All I can do is tell my story and hope no one else suffers the same tragedy at his hands. My thoughts are with you and your family, and with Jessica. I am sure they are all looking down at us and smiling.

 hugs bk.

Joie.

You posted that you feel as if Maddy was a gift given to you, I felt that same way about Jessica. When I was 18 I was told by doctors that I would not be able to get pregnant on my own, if at all, of course that was 24 yrs ago, but still devastating to hear all the same. I was 22 and only in a relationship for 2 months when I became pregnant and didn't realize I was until I was 4 months along. I was elated to say the least. The dad on the other hand was not so happy nor were my parents. So, getting pregnant in that situation and having the thought that would never have a baby,  made me beleive she was trully a gift. Then, when she was taken from on that horrific day, I was numb. I had to deal with alot of anger, and still do to this day. I struggle with my faith and with God. I am a work in prgress and so is every parent that loses a child.

I now have an adorable 2 year little boy, Dennis. With the help of an amazing doctor I was able to get pregnant. He has brought back so much joy and happiness into my lfe, but I still have that longing for my Jess! That will never go away or ever be replaced.

Thank you for sharing your heart felt story and I know you are doing good by telling your story. I hope to hear more in the future.

I KNOW are angels are up there keeping watch and laughing!

 

HUGS~

Debra

 
November 14, 2008, 5:55 am CST

Losing a child

Quote From: debra232006

You posted that you feel as if Maddy was a gift given to you, I felt that same way about Jessica. When I was 18 I was told by doctors that I would not be able to get pregnant on my own, if at all, of course that was 24 yrs ago, but still devastating to hear all the same. I was 22 and only in a relationship for 2 months when I became pregnant and didn't realize I was until I was 4 months along. I was elated to say the least. The dad on the other hand was not so happy nor were my parents. So, getting pregnant in that situation and having the thought that would never have a baby,  made me beleive she was trully a gift. Then, when she was taken from on that horrific day, I was numb. I had to deal with alot of anger, and still do to this day. I struggle with my faith and with God. I am a work in prgress and so is every parent that loses a child.

I now have an adorable 2 year little boy, Dennis. With the help of an amazing doctor I was able to get pregnant. He has brought back so much joy and happiness into my lfe, but I still have that longing for my Jess! That will never go away or ever be replaced.

Thank you for sharing your heart felt story and I know you are doing good by telling your story. I hope to hear more in the future.

I KNOW are angels are up there keeping watch and laughing!

 

HUGS

Debra

Hi, my name is Janet.  I lost a baby in November 4, 1971. I carried him for nine months and then I wtnt into llabor and tthe cord was wrap around his neck twice. I sometimes still grieve for him like on his birthday but I really want to share is about my sister, Kim.  She lost her daughter, Stephanie, over a year ago. She was only 20 years old and had two sons.  My sister is still in the grieving process. I wished my sister could get help with this. My daughters and I listen to her talk about Steph. My sister and her daughter were bestfriends.  They worked together, shopped together did just about everything together and now Kim feels all alone. How can I help her?  I love my sister and it hurts me to have her to be hurting so bad. What can I do?

 Thank you Janet

 
November 14, 2008, 6:40 am CST

Janet

Quote From: oldnet

Hi, my name is Janet.  I lost a baby in November 4, 1971. I carried him for nine months and then I wtnt into llabor and tthe cord was wrap around his neck twice. I sometimes still grieve for him like on his birthday but I really want to share is about my sister, Kim.  She lost her daughter, Stephanie, over a year ago. She was only 20 years old and had two sons.  My sister is still in the grieving process. I wished my sister could get help with this. My daughters and I listen to her talk about Steph. My sister and her daughter were bestfriends.  They worked together, shopped together did just about everything together and now Kim feels all alone. How can I help her?  I love my sister and it hurts me to have her to be hurting so bad. What can I do?

 Thank you Janet

Your sister sounds like she has the same relationship I have with my daughter, Jessica. Jessica was 14 when I lost her to a car accident on November 8, 2003. Even though it has been 5 years, I still have days when it feels like yesterday. I am so sorry for the loss of your neice Stephanie! My heart goes out to your Sister as well. I know the first couple years are the hardest. Does it ever get easier, I don't think so, but the course changes. The bad days are farther apart and happen less frequent, but that pain is something no one can fathom and it something, I think, every parent lives with until they themselves have passed.

How old are the boys? My heart goes out to them as well, losing their Mother at such a young age! How tragic for them!

You are already doing the one thing that will help your Sister the most, LISTEN. Be there for her, allow her to express whatever it is she needs to at that time. You don't have to have answers, you don't have try and understand or comprehend. You have lost a child of your own so you know that pain, the heartache that comes from that. It doesn't matter at what age or what circimstances a parent loses a child, the pain is still the same.

Just to give you some ideas of how my family got to where we are today is:

On her birthday we had birthday parties... cake and ice cream, and we would all tell a story or share a memory of Jessica as our "gift."

On her Angel Date, the first 2 yrs we had our Pastor come and have a little memorial for her.

At Christmas, we would all buy ornaments for eachother. These ornaments would be of a memory we had of that person with Jessica. For example, on my frig I have a picture of Dad and Jess on his tractor. For Christmas one year, I found a pewter tractor ornament and that was my ornament to my Dad. When we gice the ornaments to each other, we share the memory that ornament represents.

The other holidays, we sit around and share memories of her.

I also initiated a Memorial Garden for the high school Jess attended because that year we lost 5 students and the students along with the community was grieving hard. You could do something on a smaller scale in your yard, or her yard. Putting things there that Stephanie loved, enjoyed. Planting flowers in her favorite colors, planting some of her favorite flowers, if possible. Making an area for seating so you can go there and remember.

Something one of her friends did for me was to put a collage of pictures together on a DVD and had background music playing while the pictures ran like a video.

These are just some ideas.... everyone will find their own path, there own way of doing things to get them through what they need to get through. But for you to be there for her and to listen, that is the BEST gift you can give her.

 

HUGS~

Debra

I hope some of this helps you and if you need to express more, please feel free to do so!

 

 
November 17, 2008, 2:54 pm CST

sonlessmom

I too losed my son June 6th 2006, he was 16 and was driving his truck his dad gave him and wasnt wearing his seatbelt.

I wish that Dr.Phil would do a show on safety, in vehicles.

I cry everyday and never stop thinking about my Daniel, he was a sweetheart. That evening he gave me a kiss on each cheek and said " See you later mom, wont be long, just going into town to see a friend".  Well its been 2 1/2 years and he lied, he has been gone too long. I miss him so much, and the pain never goes away, you just learn to cope with it.

 
November 17, 2008, 5:25 pm CST

Sorry

Quote From: sonlessmom

I too losed my son June 6th 2006, he was 16 and was driving his truck his dad gave him and wasnt wearing his seatbelt.

I wish that Dr.Phil would do a show on safety, in vehicles.

I cry everyday and never stop thinking about my Daniel, he was a sweetheart. That evening he gave me a kiss on each cheek and said " See you later mom, wont be long, just going into town to see a friend".  Well its been 2 1/2 years and he lied, he has been gone too long. I miss him so much, and the pain never goes away, you just learn to cope with it.

For your loss! My heart goes out to you and your family!
 
December 8, 2008, 12:40 am CST

I am so very sorry for both of you.

Quote From: oldnet

Hi, my name is Janet.  I lost a baby in November 4, 1971. I carried him for nine months and then I wtnt into llabor and tthe cord was wrap around his neck twice. I sometimes still grieve for him like on his birthday but I really want to share is about my sister, Kim.  She lost her daughter, Stephanie, over a year ago. She was only 20 years old and had two sons.  My sister is still in the grieving process. I wished my sister could get help with this. My daughters and I listen to her talk about Steph. My sister and her daughter were bestfriends.  They worked together, shopped together did just about everything together and now Kim feels all alone. How can I help her?  I love my sister and it hurts me to have her to be hurting so bad. What can I do?

 Thank you Janet

I still grieve for Sieera on her birthday, Christmas and all other holidays. Sometimes out of the blue it will hit me and there I go. I am not sure how u can help ur sister, but I can tell u what has helped me. When I start to fall apart, I try to do something to celebrate Sieera. Plant a tree, donate a toy to a child or just talk about her. I was never able to get to know her other then the feeling of her inside me, but I still had that bond. So I try to do something that I think may have made her proud. Maybe it might help ur sister if she was able to remember her life, and not her death. Let her know that grieving is good, but ask her if her daughter would have wanted her to cry. Take her out and do something in her daughters name. Talk about the good times, laugh about it. Try to get her to remember her life, not her death. When I lost my Grandpa, I was so lost. But I still look back and think of the things he did to make me laugh, most of it so dorky, but still brings a smile to my face 19 yrs later. think of things her daughter did that was embarrasing, u would not believe how much that can help. Funny moments are sometimes all we have to get us through. My heart goes out to all of you. I hope what I said will help even a little.
 
December 8, 2008, 12:44 am CST

I am so sorry.

Quote From: sonlessmom

I too losed my son June 6th 2006, he was 16 and was driving his truck his dad gave him and wasnt wearing his seatbelt.

I wish that Dr.Phil would do a show on safety, in vehicles.

I cry everyday and never stop thinking about my Daniel, he was a sweetheart. That evening he gave me a kiss on each cheek and said " See you later mom, wont be long, just going into town to see a friend".  Well its been 2 1/2 years and he lied, he has been gone too long. I miss him so much, and the pain never goes away, you just learn to cope with it.

What happened is terrible and I am sorry. Safety is such a huge concern. I have lost many loved ones to car accidents, and most so preventable. So many ppl don't relaize the need for so many things to stay safe. I do agree, Heneeds to do a show on this. Not just texting while driving, but things like seatbelts, speeding, stunting. All the things ppl just brush off. My heart goes out to u and ur family.
 
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