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Topic : Coping with the Death of a Child

Number of Replies: 757
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Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 03:28:03 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Losing a child is especially traumatic, share your memories, stories and support with others here.

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April 30, 2009, 3:59 am CDT

Coping with the Death of a Child

Quote From: pokeyspride200

Dear Coping,

 

Thank you for such kind heartfelt words. I recognize the pain of the whole in your heart and soul. I am so sorry that you lost both of them. I have no grandchildren yet but still hoping for some some day. Keep up the good work and know that I am listening. Most of all, thank you for sharing your pain with me!

Thanks for the kind words, I found my son just about the same way you found yours, it's a image I can't get out of my mind. I am praying for you, for God to lighten your heart. I feel like I am carrying around a brick in my pocket sometimes, I know it's always there. 
 
May 4, 2009, 8:08 am CDT

Debra Losing a child

Quote From: debra232006

Your sister sounds like she has the same relationship I have with my daughter, Jessica. Jessica was 14 when I lost her to a car accident on November 8, 2003. Even though it has been 5 years, I still have days when it feels like yesterday. I am so sorry for the loss of your neice Stephanie! My heart goes out to your Sister as well. I know the first couple years are the hardest. Does it ever get easier, I don't think so, but the course changes. The bad days are farther apart and happen less frequent, but that pain is something no one can fathom and it something, I think, every parent lives with until they themselves have passed.

How old are the boys? My heart goes out to them as well, losing their Mother at such a young age! How tragic for them!

You are already doing the one thing that will help your Sister the most, LISTEN. Be there for her, allow her to express whatever it is she needs to at that time. You don't have to have answers, you don't have try and understand or comprehend. You have lost a child of your own so you know that pain, the heartache that comes from that. It doesn't matter at what age or what circimstances a parent loses a child, the pain is still the same.

Just to give you some ideas of how my family got to where we are today is:

On her birthday we had birthday parties... cake and ice cream, and we would all tell a story or share a memory of Jessica as our "gift."

On her Angel Date, the first 2 yrs we had our Pastor come and have a little memorial for her.

At Christmas, we would all buy ornaments for eachother. These ornaments would be of a memory we had of that person with Jessica. For example, on my frig I have a picture of Dad and Jess on his tractor. For Christmas one year, I found a pewter tractor ornament and that was my ornament to my Dad. When we gice the ornaments to each other, we share the memory that ornament represents.

The other holidays, we sit around and share memories of her.

I also initiated a Memorial Garden for the high school Jess attended because that year we lost 5 students and the students along with the community was grieving hard. You could do something on a smaller scale in your yard, or her yard. Putting things there that Stephanie loved, enjoyed. Planting flowers in her favorite colors, planting some of her favorite flowers, if possible. Making an area for seating so you can go there and remember.

Something one of her friends did for me was to put a collage of pictures together on a DVD and had background music playing while the pictures ran like a video.

These are just some ideas.... everyone will find their own path, there own way of doing things to get them through what they need to get through. But for you to be there for her and to listen, that is the BEST gift you can give her.

 

HUGS

Debra

I hope some of this helps you and if you need to express more, please feel free to do so!

 

Hi Debra'  Thank you so much for advice. My niece , Stephanie died on April 17, 2005 and my daughter and I went up to be with my sister that day. She was so happy that we came up and spent the weekend with her and my parents. We all went to the cemetary and remembered her and the antics she use to pull and the trouble she got in and how much my mother said that Stephanie was just like her Aunt Jan. I miss her so much and  I do listen a lot to my sister.  In my sisters bedroom is kind of like a remember Steph room. She has surrounded herself with pictures and other things of Steph. I told her that I thought it was normal and don't think that she is going crazy. My niece's boys are 6 and 2. They are the sweetest boys and I am so sad to think that they won't be able to really know their Mother.

I really appreciate your help and advice. Sometimes I think people get tired about hearing how my sister is having a hard time and they sometimes think she should be over it by now. Again THANKS FOR LISTENING!!!!!!!

 

jANET(oldnet)

 
May 4, 2009, 3:44 pm CDT

I want to share with others, sometimes I don't know how to cope

This is my first post.  My name is julie and my son Zack was lost in an auto accident on January 23, 2007.  I remember him every day on the anniversary of his death and on his birthday.  Zack was a Senior in High School, and at the top of his class, on the newspaper staff, and loved by his classmates and was known for being a caring person and his beautiful smile.  He had just been accepted to UNC Wilmington, Wilmington, NC.  He was going to be a History teacher and wanted to teach Middle School children.  He had a huge heart and he was one of the 3 brightest lights in my life.  His light burned out far too soon as he was only 17 years old.  I feel like dying every day since that horrible day.  My other two survivinig sons still have such a difficult time as they loved their brother very much.  They played in a band together and they were great.  They were all so close.  I still have a difficult time with it and I was robbed of the time I had left with those boys here on this earth.  My ex-husband and his parents verbally and emotionally abused my sons and I to the point where I ended up in the hospital, and I was soon after diagnosed with Bi Polar disorder and had been suffering from it all my life and didn't know what was wrong.  My ex gained legal custody of my children because his cut-throat attorney had it written in the divorce decree that I was unfit as a parent because of mental illness.  Actually I had been beaten down to the point where I could not take care of myself at that time and my ex took it and ran with it while I was still down.  I still cannot believe it could still be legal because I know my attorney was not worth anything.  My heart breaks everyday, not only for the loss of my baby, but what my other two sons are dealing with now with their father.  He is bitter and evil and so are his parents.  I feel I deserve to have them, and I have to pay child support, and I am at  this time suffering from a knee injury and the Bi Polar, and I do not feel this is just and right.   It seems to me that their father does not care for his children at all, but has moved in some woman and her daughter into his home after only knowing her for 7 days from a nasty trailor court from my home town and there was no electricity.  If Dr. Phil would call me today, I would give my story.   If I didn't have my second husband, Brian and his Aunt Lynn, I would be completely lost.  I'm sorry for the long story, but if I could help others who have been in similar situations, I would tell this story on Dr. Phil just to save other parents who are not deserving of this type of abuse.  I am here to talk if anyone needs me as I definitely need others who have been dealing with the death of their child.  Julie
 
May 11, 2009, 10:27 am CDT

My son's story

Three years ago May 19th my 22mo old son Joshua drowned while my father was watching him.  I struggle with this everyday. Its still to hard to deal with. I rarely speak to my family anymore. They dont understand my grief. They tell me all the time that I need to get over it. Yah as soon as anyone figures that out let me know how its done.

The only thing that helped AT THE TIME was knowing where he went. I compleatly changed my whole life around for the better,  for the most part, thinking this would make it all better, not so much!!  and I still can drink myself into a coma. I just try not to think about it and keep myself busy, it helps. Everyone tells me that time will help the pain. I cant wait to see if its true.

 
June 18, 2009, 6:29 pm CDT

Coping with the Loss of My Only Child

One March 25, 2007, exactly 1 month after my son's birthday, he went home to be with our Lord.  He was my gift from God and I never imagined losing him.  My husband (my son's Dad) traveled in his business for 25 years and during that time, my son and I grew very close.  My thought always was that God had given me this gift, this little ball of clay for mould into a loving, caring, responsible man.  He was my "blond haired, blue-eyed boy" and was the answer to my childhood prayers.  As the youngest child in my family, I had always tried to "go along and get along", but after the passing of my son, my family rudely and abruptly told me to "Move on. There's nothing you can do for him now."  But I was not going to be rushed through my grieving process.  I'd never been through anything like it and didn't know how to grieve or what to do.  So, I cried when I needed to and thought about him every minute of every day.  My husband and I attended a 10-week grief counseling course, but it really didn't help, because the counselor said to us, "your life will never be the same and you'll have to learn to deal with that."  That statement didn't help be whatsoever and made me realize my loss even  more.   Through Mother's Day of this year, the pain was so intense and the feeling of loss so great, that I've been in a deep depression.  Although I've worked, stayed busy, gotten more involved in  my church, nothing ever really helped EXCEPT simply talking about it.  I didn't seek advice (I didn't want it and didn't think anyone was qualified to offer me advice when they had 2 or 3 children still living).  And when I began to talk, I simply could not stop.  My words came out with exploding nervous energy and I would talk for 20-30 minutes at a time.  Since Mother's Day, the pain is less intense.  Don't know why and can't explain it.  It just is.  For those out there who've lost a child, I recommend finding a caring, non-judgmental person to share that child's life with.  Talk about what led up to the child's passing; the funeral or memorial service; how you felt; how you cried; how you felt that life was not worth living...everything.  Find someone...and if it's easy to share with a stranger, then write to me. I'll listen; won't judge you or your actions, but will simply listen.
 
August 6, 2009, 12:01 pm CDT

get over it???

Quote From: tiffanysoffice

Three years ago May 19th my 22mo old son Joshua drowned while my father was watching him.  I struggle with this everyday. Its still to hard to deal with. I rarely speak to my family anymore. They dont understand my grief. They tell me all the time that I need to get over it. Yah as soon as anyone figures that out let me know how its done.

The only thing that helped AT THE TIME was knowing where he went. I compleatly changed my whole life around for the better,  for the most part, thinking this would make it all better, not so much!!  and I still can drink myself into a coma. I just try not to think about it and keep myself busy, it helps. Everyone tells me that time will help the pain. I cant wait to see if its true.

i am so sorry for your loss and everyones loss. 

i lost my brother last year.  my family does the best they can under the circumstances he died.  no  one has the right to make you feel like you get over it!  you move on when your ready.  and from what i have seen from other friends of mine who have lost children, that it doesn't matter how old they are its still your child and its not an easy thing to do.  heck, I'm not even over it.  i wont ever be 'over it'.

my mothers Dr told her that a few months ago. he said, your not over that yet, you should be over that by nowyou should have moved on, whats it been 6 months or so?  i was really upset at his being so cold toward her.  she was devastated and set back by what he said.  she thought she was doing something wrong in her head to still be grieving so much.  i told her nothing is wrong with her but it might be time to get a new Dr!!

its sad that anyone would say that to you or anyone.

take care,

Lynn

 
August 19, 2009, 7:21 pm CDT

Coping with the Death of a Child

I lost my only child (son) on May 9, 2005.  He died three hours after having Mother's Day dinner with him and the family. I was devastated!  My life has changed in ways I never new possible.   I had to go on disability, as a result of my health having deteriorated drastically after Brian's death.  I have developed Fibromyaligia, Mental distorders, etc.  My son was barely 29 years old when he died.  He was my best friend and the love of my life.  It's been over 4 years, and I still hardly can bear the pain.  I had to get on disability about a year after I lost my son.  I have become addicted to pain meds and alcohol.  Never took any drugs in my life before I had this horrific pain from accidents and Fibro since Brian died.  I started drinking about 2 years ago.  My life has absolutely no meaning anymore.  After losing my son, my nephew was sentenced to 10 years in prison for selling drugs, my mother had a stroke, I lost my job and had to file bancruptcy.  Then I had a severe accident (fall) which caused me to become dependent on pain meds and I have been addicted since.  Brian was my only child and I can't seem to move forward in my life.
 
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