After reading all of your experiences on this message board, I felt so compelled to register and write a message which I hope will be of some help to others.
We lost our first born child, a daughter, at 3 1/2 mos. old, following heart surgery. I was blessed with a second beautiful healthy daugher, born ironically, on my own birthday.. I truly believe a direct gift from God himself. Two years later I had a beautiful baby boy, born at 2lbs, 2oz., again, a miracle child, who survived and is now a healthy 17yr old fine young man. Two years after he was born, a fourth child, another beautiful son. He was diagnosed with a heart defect at birth, but with the reassurance of all the medical doctors that was nowhere as serious as our first child's. When he came home, my living children were 2 1/2 yrs old and 5yrs old. He was the light of all of our lives... a special child that brought my husband's and my troubled marriage back to life. Nine months later, it was decided that he too, would need heart surgery, again, with the reassurance of the doctors that this was a common surgery with a 90% survival rate. Unfortunately he became the 10% statistic which loomed in our hearts, and passed away after the surgery of sepsis, a very serious infection, a clear eye opener that lightening can and does strike twice.
However, after many days and nights filled with despair, guilt and sorrow while moving through the grief process, acceptance finally came into my heart. I began chosing to focus on all of the wonderful gifts that were actually bestowed upon all of us... extending to nurses, doctors, friends, family..all those who were lucky enough to experience both of my children's presence into their lives no matter how brief. I began to believe that their short lives brought life lessons to all of us, including my living children's lives then, and today, which would not have been possible if not for their seemingly untimely deaths. It has restored my faith even more, not less, that God's plan was what was meant to be. Holidays were also painful, the loss so obvious especially then, while we are grieving their presence, however, we began a tradition in our little town to hang Christmas ornaments on a large tree downtown every year in honor of their memories. The first year a handful of people showed up, after several years, many people attended... friends and families handing personalized ornaments to the volunteer firefighters who hung these precious momentos high on the bows for all of the city to see...and remember. It was a positive and healing way for all of us to commemorate the holiday in a spiritual way so as never to forget... but to also move on to celebrate in the present, with our families for the remaining season.
I believe the greatest gift we can offer our living children after a death in the family, is to be the example of surviving, with grace and acceptance, in a positive way so that they will have the ability to do the same, knowing that in some time in their lives experiencing the death of a loved one is inevitable, but not unsurvivable. My children have been blessed with the opportunity of a lifetime... truly a gift from their brother... an appreciation for life, and loved ones, and friendships ... knowing that our time here on earth is not promised any of us. A lesson they would never have learned in a book, or a classroom, or teacher.
So my only purpose here is to offer hope to some of you who are struggling in the grief process.. never give up hope that you will find innerpeace and acceptance with tears of joy over sadness, in your hearts someday. I am living proof after surviving two children's death...that it is possible.. God Bless you all...
