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Topic : Coping with the Death of a Child

Number of Replies: 757
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Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 03:28:03 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Losing a child is especially traumatic, share your memories, stories and support with others here.

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October 10, 2006, 10:18 am CDT

I lost a son that was born to another...

I am a single mother of three beautiful girls and an aunt to two handsome boys.  On August 14, 2006 we lost my youngest nephew to an awful car wreck at the young age of 16 years.  He had so much promise and was going places in life.  The 18 year old driver was driving way too fast on a highway that was curvy (to say the least) and she was hill hopping.  She lost control of the car, went off the right side of the road, over corrected and slid down the highway sideways right into a oncoming truck.  The three teens in the back lost the their lives as they were ejected from the car; Casey, my nephew was one of them.

 

It's been really tough on us as he was at our house more than he was at his mother's.  He didn't like going home because he was treated as though he was just in the way.  My sister (his mother) wasn't the mother-type and was/is more concerned with herself, her husband (not the boys' father), & their drugs than she ever was about her kids.   So I was the stand-in.  I was the one he came to and relied on.  His mother has went on since his death but his father, his step-mom, his brother, grandparents, & I have just seemed to be frozen at times.   The hurt so deep and so consuming that I don't know how we can ever go on from here.  My girls feel as though they have lost a brother rather than a cousin because he was their protector.  I know we need to go on for them and because he would have wanted us to but all I can do is spin my wheels.  I've been told that I was just the aunt and should be 'over' this by now but to me I have lost a son as well as a nephew.  Throughout his life I always knew he needed me but I never realized; until we had lost him; how much I really needed him as well.

 

His Dad and I have leaned on each other to get through this but sometimes I feel like I am keeping him dragged down with me.  I wonder if I shouldn't let him and his wife go heal on their own but they insist on having us around helps but they would be too nice to say anything else even if it weren't true.  So for now, we are bonded and I can only hope that I'm doing the right thing.

 

I can I have rambled enough for one time but I really did need to get it off my chest.

 
October 12, 2006, 1:35 am CDT

faith

Quote From: bluebatman

my son was born with a rare congential heart defect and many other problem, none of which showed up in the 5 ultrasounds i had.  he passed away after 20 days.  he went through heart surgery at 8 days old and had a complication that none of the doctors had seen before only read about. i spent everyday and everynight at that hospital, it was the hardest thing after he passed to go home. the doctors, nurses and other parents told me how strong i was to watch my son, because he was hooked up to so many machines after his surgery, but i wasnt strong at all. i just sat there and stroked his hair. about a month before my son was born i found out my husband was having an affair and that she was also pregnant, he says its not his kid....so now that my son has passed i am alone with 2 other boys to take care of and waiting to see if this other child is my husband's and going through a divorce.  this has been the hardest few months of my life.  i really dont know how to deal with it all.  i just try to keep myself busy with kids.

I am sorry to hear about your loss, my daughter is a heart baby as well and for her three years of life i have lived in the hospital for five surgeries three major. I thank god for her, but every time another major sugery comes up i can't help but wonder if i'm doing the right thing making her go through so much pain, but as she gets older and really becomes a person I know i've done the right thing and left it up to the doctors, her, and god. She is now not only a heart baby but a hemophiliac, from the meds she's on, her day care refused to take her back after this last surgery this summer, I work at McDonalds at night, to support us and because my boyfriend can watch her. I make enough for bread on the table, but never enough where as to get kicked off of medical assistance, because that would be a death sentence to her, I stayed in an abusive relationship with her father for two years, because i never thought I could make it with her on her own, we've been homeless, but no matter the obsticals that life throws us, please remember to keep your chin up. We can't change the past, but we can do our best every day, always keeping faith in a better and brighter tommorow, and have faith that it all works out for the best
 
October 12, 2006, 8:56 am CDT

my son

I lost my son in August of 2002, he was only 32. . It has been 4 years now. The pain is still just as bad as the day I lost him. When this had happened to others I didn't know what to say. Because no one knows the pain unless they have been through it.

It leaves a whole in a mothers heart that can't ever be filled again. I thought I was going crazy when I could swear I heard his voice. I would be doing something and all of a sudden he would speak to me in my  thoughts. Things like Mom am alright. I'm with Jesus or I seen so and so today. It got so bad I ask my doctor about it. I was thinking she was going to tell me I was lossing my mind. But in a loving voice she said it was normal. It was our way of commuticating with lost love ones. I hope he never stops because I don't want to ever forget the sound of his voice.

To all the other mothers out there who have lost a child now I can say "I know the pain you are in." 

 

 
October 12, 2006, 2:41 pm CDT

I lost my twins

I am new to this message board. i would like to share my tale with you all. Four years ago 06/10/2002, i fell pregnant with twins. I was living in a volatile relationship. My partner used to call me all the names under the sun, and accuse me that the babies were not his on a daily basis. As you can well imagine the stress level was huge! My ultrasound revealed that i had a dilated cervix, but all the medical proffessionals told me to ignore it. At 24 weeks i went into premature labour. One of my babies feet had come thru my cervix. I ended having a emergency c-section. My twin girls were born, Zara and Shavaune. Zara had too many problems with her lungs and passed away two days lata. Shavaune battled thru, but in the end just couldnt do it and passed away three weeks later. All my life i have always wanted children, i could not believe this could happen to me. I t changes your whole perspective on life. I broke up with the father, and dealt with things on my own. I miss them and think of them every single day. I don't think i have ever loved or wanted anything more than those girls. With time things do get easier, but i will always miss them and the pain will always be there, however i think you just learn to live with it.

Shar  (from NZ)

 
October 12, 2006, 9:25 pm CDT

the loss of my grandson

I am a 46 year old single dad of two teenage girls for the past 10 years . My daughter had my grandson Jayden when she was 16 but Jayden could not have been more welcome to the family .I came from a rather large family , and my parents and all my brothers and sisters have passed on leaving me the only one left in my family ,no other relatives but my two girls.  I had went through a divorce when my girls were 4 and 6 and the new addition to the family was exciting Although I had to deal with the issues of my 16 year old being pregnant . Jayden was a very special little guy he was born with a congenital heart defect and had several surgeries, although the doctors kept saying he would "make it "I personally didnt see how . I took care of Jayden since the day he was born , probably better then I took care of my own children I never missed a doctors  appointment  which were 4 hours away or surgery ,he was my  entire life while he was here. Jayden passed away  one week to the day before his first birthday ( 5 months ago) while I held him in my arms in a hospital room after a surgery. I have lost a whole family -a mom , a dad, 2 sisters and 3 brothers ,not to mention the grand parents along the way ,but none of those feelings can compare to the greif of loosing Jayden. Ive tried to put his clothes and toys away but its hard ....since then I have lost my job and and havent worked in two months Getting ready to loose everything  i've worked all my life for . we have had a new addition to the family -- my granddaughter ( Jaydens sister) was born two weeks after Jaydens death and is healthy . and  very welcome. but the hurt and pain of loosing Jayden is still unbearable at times.
 
October 16, 2006, 7:46 am CDT

some of the pain will go away

Quote From: bprice_2003

That phone call that we all dread as parents......My son was in a car accident on July 29, 2006.  He had died that night of the accident, but the EMT Unit was able to bring him back. He was taking a couple of his friends home, and his car went into a creek.  Normally that creek never has water in it, but that night it did.   I think that God knew that I could not handle losing him abruptly, so he gave me two more weeks with him.  I thank god for giving me those two weeks with him.  This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with.  I have lost both parents, and 4 siblings, but none of their deaths compare to losing my son.  My heart is has a large hole in it.  If I was to have heart surgery right now, the Doctors would open me up and find a large part of my heart gone.  We were very close, and I miss him so much.  He was just a joy.  I thank god, for those 17 years that I had with him. He touched so many people's life, that we didn't even know.  He was just an awesome young man. He was a football student, and honor student.  He was baptized last year. 

 

I am angry, and I have question why, but I know that God's plan is always bigger than ours.  I'm not to the point of being so angry with god to give up on my faith. I do have have the faith, hope in knowing that I will join him one day.  I know that my son is my Guardian angel, and he will always be with me in spirit. I think that we all feel that our kids are suppose to bury us as parents, but that is the human instinct in us.  I know that I will see him again one day, but it's just really hard to cope with this.  Sometimes I sit back and look at those kids that are doing nothing with their life's, and ask why not them.  Why take my son, that was touching peoples life's while he was here? Then I realize through a poem that someone sent me during my bereavement, that our children are not ours.  They belong to God, and he has given them to us, to bring them up in the right way. 

 

We all have an inter-strength that we don't even know that we have.  We have to made that decision whether or not we will use it.  My son, and God is my strength right now.  Without them I really don't think that I would still be here today! 

 

During those two weeks that I had with him, I was constantly praying for god to take me instead of him.  I think that everyone that has dealt with the loss of their child, has probably prayed that prayer.  That was not his plan. 

 

Something that I have decided to do now, is to write down my experience with his loss.  So many friends and relatives have no ideal in what to say to someone who is dealing with losing their child.  They all want to say the right thing, but have no ideal what to say.  I just feel so compelled to write my experience with this, and what my heart is feeling.

 

I just take one day at a time.  It's like starting over again with everything.  I have good days, and bad days.  My job requires me to work with young people.  Some days, I'm driving to a school to do a recruitment visit, and I'm crying like a baby.  Before I get to the school, I have to dry it up, because I know that I can't go into that school crying.  Before I couldn't even talk about his death, but now it doesn't bother me as much.  I want to keep his memory alive.

 

My family, friends, and faith have been such a big help to me, but I have to be honest, I'm still hurting so bad.  I just miss the physical part so much, his voice, smile.  I know that I will always hurt, but I hope that one day the hurt will ease up some.  I use to fear death, I no longer fear that.  I know that he will be on the other side waiting for me when I close my eyes to death.  That brings a smile to my face. 

 

My pain goes out to everyone here that has lost a child.  I just need to know that someday, some of this pain will go away..........  :-(  Just keep me and my family in your prayers that we will grow stronger each and every day.  I will do the same for you also.

 

 

  The hole in your heart will always be there, but in a few years, if the doctors were to do surgery and open you heart they would see the hole closed, but a weak closure. It will be strong enough to allow the heart to work well again, enjoy life and even laugh (and actually feel the joy) most of the time. But you'll find it will sometimes develope a little leak and that  pain will be there. The hole just won't completely heal, no matter how hard you try.

  But, that's OK. You'll learn to deal with it. I think it's perhaps like suffering a severe physical injury, such as losing a leg, or becoming paralized. I would think a person would not be able to say they're OK that it happened, they just learn to create a world adjusted to or in spite of  the handicap.

  In the meantime, may I offer a few words of advice. You are new to your intense grief. It's going to be with you a while, it may even come to be a friend. Don't try to fight it or pretend it's not there. I say this because you may find as time goes on, friends may think you should be "over" it. (They mean well, they just don't understand.)  You may even believe you should be over it. You may desperately want to be. But, I'll tell you now, you won't ever be over it. You'll just come to  place of acceptance. Not necessarily an acceptance of his death being OK. But an acceptance of--it happened and I can't change it. He's dead and I'm not. If I have to be stuck in this life without my son, then I'm going to figure out a way to be happy!

   Friends and family may wear out , please get yourself a counselor. Someone who will let you cry, be angry or whatever you need to do. Week after week if necessary. Until you just get tired of doing it.

   Putting on the happy face and going to work can be pure torture. Especially when you just want to crawl under the covers and lick your wounds. If there is anyway financially to do this, then do it. FOR A WHILE. Not the rest of your life.

   My son died in 1995. I've made many mistakes in dealing with the loss. Please keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Take 2 steps forward and sometimes 5 steps backward, but don't give up. That inner strength you speak of is indeed within you.

 

 
October 17, 2006, 5:17 am CDT

Coping with the Death of a Child

Quote From: rsebastian7

I lost my son in August of 2002, he was only 32. . It has been 4 years now. The pain is still just as bad as the day I lost him. When this had happened to others I didn't know what to say. Because no one knows the pain unless they have been through it.

It leaves a whole in a mothers heart that can't ever be filled again. I thought I was going crazy when I could swear I heard his voice. I would be doing something and all of a sudden he would speak to me in my  thoughts. Things like Mom am alright. I'm with Jesus or I seen so and so today. It got so bad I ask my doctor about it. I was thinking she was going to tell me I was lossing my mind. But in a loving voice she said it was normal. It was our way of commuticating with lost love ones. I hope he never stops because I don't want to ever forget the sound of his voice.

To all the other mothers out there who have lost a child now I can say "I know the pain you are in." 

 

I lost my son to suicide on friday sept 29th of this year.  There is no worse loss than the loss of  a child.  It is a pain that burns deep inside and doesn't seem real.  He had so much more life to live, but a woman broke his heart one to many times.  His tormented mind and body could take no more.  I feel so deeply for any one who has gone through or is going through this kind of pain.  I hope that he is somehow at peace, I worry because he killed himself, but I have to believe for my own sanity that he is ok now.  Sue
 
October 18, 2006, 5:07 am CDT

my son also died from suicide

Quote From: mullins1000

I lost my son to suicide on friday sept 29th of this year.  There is no worse loss than the loss of  a child.  It is a pain that burns deep inside and doesn't seem real.  He had so much more life to live, but a woman broke his heart one to many times.  His tormented mind and body could take no more.  I feel so deeply for any one who has gone through or is going through this kind of pain.  I hope that he is somehow at peace, I worry because he killed himself, but I have to believe for my own sanity that he is ok now.  Sue
 I lost my son on April 27,06 to suicide he was 20.His girlfriend broke his heart too.Playing games making promised she would not keep.Will could not take it anymore and ended his life.Your son is O.K. I know that they both are.I know the pain too it can bring you to your knees .Sue just remember that their pain is gone and they are at peace what ever torment that there was is no more.That 's what keeps me sane knowing that Willie is free he can never hurt again.God Bless you .Bunny
 
October 20, 2006, 1:17 am CDT

my stillborn little girl

A little over a month ago I lost my little girl I had been so anxously awaiting.  I was 23 weeks pregnant and thought things were going pretty well.  Then while I was doing laundy I noticed blood in my underclothes from the day before.  I almost immediately became very concerned because I am rh- and if my baby was positive my body would reject her.  I called the doctor and was scheduled to be seen the next day, but I kept having this feeling I needed to go to the hospital.  At the hospital they tried to hear her heartbeat, but couldn't which escalated into ultra-sound which found her little body lifeless.  Judging by her size she looked like she had actually died at 17- 18 weeks, which was her size at the last ultra-sound in which she appeared healthy.  In alot of ways I was very blessed in the way in which she passed.  By the time I had indication something was wrong, she had been gone for quite a while (fortunately not long enough for me to be sick).  I didn't have to feel guilty that I didn't act sooner.  Even though I don't know whether she was in physical pain, I don't feel she was in emotional pain at the time of her death.  We later found out she likely had trisomy(ex. down's syndrome)and had a heart defect that caused her death, which relieved any feelings that I had done too much or not enough.  Because of my faith I know she belongs to our family and I will have the opportunity to hold her in my arms and tell her how beautiful she is.  We had her buried, which I would highly reccomend.  This gave me so much peace in the first week, because I could be busy instead of mope, but it didn't have to be like any other day.  Every one in our lives was so supportive and kind.  The hospital let us take pictures and gave us a little box of keepsakes.  I have had a pretty smooth transition through my greif (yes, I do have it!!!).  The sticky points were after the funeral.  Until we got her memorabilia on the walls and her picture in our room, I actually felt more loss after her graveside service then right after giving birth to her body.  My husband got me a pink blanket to cuddle at night.  My arms were literally aching to hold her.  After we found the cause of death, for about a week when I would see a person with down's syndrome I would think about how I would have taken her any way she came even just to know her for a breif time and shown her the love in our family and this world. ( A suggestion for anyone who may not know what to say to someone in similar circumstances:  do not remind them that their child's life would have been hard.)  My husband and I both still have anxiety that our 2 year old son will die.  Of course, getting our family rythm back is a struggle, but I look at my son and know for him, it must be done.  We will always thank our Heavenly Father for her in our prayers and ask him to tell her we love her.  It is so important to me to count her as one of my children and not refer to her simply as my miscarraige.  My son will grow up hearing about her and knowing her circumstances.  I feel I owe them both that, they are siblings.  We are healing a little each day, but she will always be there in our hearts.
 
October 20, 2006, 10:21 pm CDT

Coping with the Death of a Child

Quote From: mlazanis2003

It was just one year on 7/16/06 @ 1:40am that I lost my son James to the monster/deman of addiction. Everyone that new him and met him loved him.

He worked 24/7 and owned nothing. He was a carpenter and was building the Panthers homes here in NC.

My heart aches all day and all night.

Only a mother like you really knows.

I am so sorry for your loss.  This has been a very depressing week for me.  Wednesday was Alicia's birthday.  Although these birthdays come and go with much less heart ache, it still is a depressing time.  I am so glad that she didn't have a drug addition, even though drugs ( PhenFen and Pondiman) is what cut her life short.  She had a disease called Lupus Anticougulant Syndrome, age 16.  Her Hemotologist prescribed the infamous drug PhenFen and added the Pondimen to speed the effects of Phenfen.  She was on a blood thinner Coumaden and steriods for the anti-cougulant problem, 9 weeks later she was diagnosed with Myocarditis.  So, in a way I can understand the pain that you are feeling about the monsters and demons.  My monsters and demons are the illegal drugs.  Doctors herd us through the chute without cross checking the drugs that they prescribe and we take them at faith.  Not this Mama anymore.  I had 9 years of heart wrenching hell, watching her die.  I speak loud against ALL DRUGS, and that has been my therapy.  Tell your story, and just maybe one child, one adult, just someone will listen to your loss and be saved.  Have faith, and you are in my prayers.
 
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