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Topic : Coping with the Death of a Child

Number of Replies: 757
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Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 03:28:03 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Losing a child is especially traumatic, share your memories, stories and support with others here.

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October 22, 2006, 10:25 am CDT

Death of a child by suicide

Quote From: bunny628

 I lost my son on April 27,06 to suicide he was 20.His girlfriend broke his heart too.Playing games making promised she would not keep.Will could not take it anymore and ended his life.Your son is O.K. I know that they both are.I know the pain too it can bring you to your knees .Sue just remember that their pain is gone and they are at peace what ever torment that there was is no more.That 's what keeps me sane knowing that Willie is free he can never hurt again.God Bless you .Bunny

I know all to well the pain you are feeling.  I to lost my son over 3 years ago.  You don't get over it.  (anyone who says you do is lying).  I still cry and think of him.  We sought help for him many times with no luck.  I guess all I can say is pray (it really does help) and it makes you feel alittle better.  I will share with you my story just a short one.

 

My son had problems all his life of 28 years.  Nothing could make him see himself as a good person or a great son.  He was depressed, moody and often taking chances we as adults know not to. 

 

We sought out help many times but nothing got through. 

 

I got a call from the morge one night at approx 10pm and asked to come some 6 hrs away to identify my sons body.   

 

I prayed it was not him but who was I kidding.  Then I prayed that even though I always felt suicide was instant going to hell I prayed everday to god that he was in heaven.  I awaited an answer (I really did).

 

finally one morning my husband said he had a dream ( he doesn't dream)  that my son spoke to him and he said to say to me that he is ok and to let me know he was with god. 

 

I could tell you some other things that happened to make me believe this but I truly do and I want you to know that god does hold our children even those who commit suicide. 

 

My prayers are with you and please know God knows and so does your son that you loved him.

 

Sincerely,  Grandmacares

 
October 22, 2006, 10:35 am CDT

Suicide

Quote From: snowfaerie

On August 12th, 2006 I lost my firstborn child, my only son aged 33.  I had just been on the phone with him not an hour before he shot himself because his bitter ex partner was going to try and ruin his life by accusing him of molesting her 18 year old daughter.  This 18 year old, who has a web page on myspace.com which has several sexually provocative photos, videos and comments posted on it.  My son, was an EMT/Paramedic, and lived in a very small town and a rumour like that  WOULD have made his life a living hell, in our last conversation he was so anguished over what this woman was going to try and do to his life, because he had finally decided not to let her hold his son over his head, and to fight her for visitation etc.  She used a heinous accusation to try and make him go back to her, but instead, he killed himself.  She will not let me see my grandson, who was not told by his own mother that his father was dead, but by his baseball coach, she refuses me any contact with the only thing left other than memories of my son.  Every day, I wake up and cry, I barely make it through the day because I can't imagine life without my darling son.  How do you go on?  How do you stop all the "if I's", the "I shouldve's", and the rage I feel against this woman who caused a wonderful young man to end his life because she couldn't have him anymore.  My heart is broken into a million pieces, my mind is a shattered mess, I can't comfort my other two children because I'm afraid that I'll lose them too. So how do I go on?

I know your anger so well.. I will only say I understand and my heart goes to you.  It helps to talk but even better to pray.  Many will say they understand but few do.  I wrote about my son on Parents of Suicide.  Its a web site.  I put my sons name on the wall.  It did help but also was very awakening for me to see so many others sharing our story.  Again, I will not tell you it will go away but it does lighten up some.  my hardest time is mothers day and christmas.  take time to cry.  I still do.  It is so important to do so.  Then pick yourself up and get through another day.  He knows you loved him.  I know this to be true.

 

=)  Grandmacares

 
October 23, 2006, 5:01 pm CDT

Thank You!!!

Quote From: springtimerose

  The hole in your heart will always be there, but in a few years, if the doctors were to do surgery and open you heart they would see the hole closed, but a weak closure. It will be strong enough to allow the heart to work well again, enjoy life and even laugh (and actually feel the joy) most of the time. But you'll find it will sometimes develope a little leak and that  pain will be there. The hole just won't completely heal, no matter how hard you try.

  But, that's OK. You'll learn to deal with it. I think it's perhaps like suffering a severe physical injury, such as losing a leg, or becoming paralized. I would think a person would not be able to say they're OK that it happened, they just learn to create a world adjusted to or in spite of  the handicap.

  In the meantime, may I offer a few words of advice. You are new to your intense grief. It's going to be with you a while, it may even come to be a friend. Don't try to fight it or pretend it's not there. I say this because you may find as time goes on, friends may think you should be "over" it. (They mean well, they just don't understand.)  You may even believe you should be over it. You may desperately want to be. But, I'll tell you now, you won't ever be over it. You'll just come to  place of acceptance. Not necessarily an acceptance of his death being OK. But an acceptance of--it happened and I can't change it. He's dead and I'm not. If I have to be stuck in this life without my son, then I'm going to figure out a way to be happy!

   Friends and family may wear out , please get yourself a counselor. Someone who will let you cry, be angry or whatever you need to do. Week after week if necessary. Until you just get tired of doing it.

   Putting on the happy face and going to work can be pure torture. Especially when you just want to crawl under the covers and lick your wounds. If there is anyway financially to do this, then do it. FOR A WHILE. Not the rest of your life.

   My son died in 1995. I've made many mistakes in dealing with the loss. Please keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Take 2 steps forward and sometimes 5 steps backward, but don't give up. That inner strength you speak of is indeed within you.

 

Just wanted to take the time to say thank you for those words of encouragement....
 
October 24, 2006, 9:50 am CDT

miscarriage

I experienced a loss of a child in a different way- miscarriage.  I was 12 weeks pregnant and on top of the world when it all came crashing down.  I miscarried on August 28, 2006- my 21st birthday.  I don't know how to move on and have no one to talk to about it.  My husband is dealing with it in his own way, quietly and solely.  I would be 20 weeks pregnant today if I hadn't miscarried and can't stop thinking about my baby that died.  Does anyone have any advice on how to move on?  I have wanted a baby as long as I can remember and this just seemed like the right time and I feel like my body has failed me. 

 

Amanda

 
October 24, 2006, 12:40 pm CDT

THank You

Quote From: grandmacares

I know all to well the pain you are feeling.  I to lost my son over 3 years ago.  You don't get over it.  (anyone who says you do is lying).  I still cry and think of him.  We sought help for him many times with no luck.  I guess all I can say is pray (it really does help) and it makes you feel alittle better.  I will share with you my story just a short one.

 

My son had problems all his life of 28 years.  Nothing could make him see himself as a good person or a great son.  He was depressed, moody and often taking chances we as adults know not to. 

 

We sought out help many times but nothing got through. 

 

I got a call from the morge one night at approx 10pm and asked to come some 6 hrs away to identify my sons body.   

 

I prayed it was not him but who was I kidding.  Then I prayed that even though I always felt suicide was instant going to hell I prayed everday to god that he was in heaven.  I awaited an answer (I really did).

 

finally one morning my husband said he had a dream ( he doesn't dream)  that my son spoke to him and he said to say to me that he is ok and to let me know he was with god. 

 

I could tell you some other things that happened to make me believe this but I truly do and I want you to know that god does hold our children even those who commit suicide. 

 

My prayers are with you and please know God knows and so does your son that you loved him.

 

Sincerely,  Grandmacares

 when I read your post I cried for both of us.losing your child is so hard I'm sorry that your son had such a hard time here I know their with God and are free of their pain and what tormented them.I do pray everyday  several times I always have even before Willie's suicide.My heart  is broken and I'm torn to parts.I'm not a dreamer either but last night I dreamed about when Will was 51/2 and  he was going to stay overnight with his buddy,but around 8pm I got a phone call from him"Hello Mama come get me I want come home"I went and got him he was waiting for me and ran out to the drive and hugged me.He always knew that he could come to me we talked everyday about his job his girlfriend his plans for the future then he was gone.Will had ADHD and a lot of thing where hard for him but he always tried so hard.always helping others giving of himself.such a funny guy with a great big smile.would always say he was sorry if he lost his temper.I know Will loved me and he knew I love him too.I know he's with God but I lost without him.Thank you for sharing with me.I will pray for you and you family.God Bless.Bunny
 
October 24, 2006, 6:24 pm CDT

missing cheddar

My very first message board ever!

I lost my beautiful son 1 1/2 years ago.  He was five years old and the most beautiful boy that God could have given me.  He was diagnosed with leukemia and went to heaven less than a year later.  It went so fast, but took so long.  Diagnosed in June and an angel by March the next year.  Chad (better known as Cheddar by his friends and family) touched so many lives.  It is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure in my 38 years of life.  It has been a test on my marriage and I am married to the absolute best husband in the world.  We have a 16 year old daughter as well.  As you well know, that alone is a test!  But she is a good girl although she misses her little hunk of cheese. He got the nickname Cheddar because he was such a cheeseball! 

My husband and I deal with things very differently.  I need to talk and he needs to be alone.  It is hard to get up every morning and be strong for your surviving child and husband.  I have put on a "happy face" for almost two years and now I am ready to break.  To be strong for so long and then be so sad, my friends and coworkers think I have lost my mind.

Too long of a message board?  sorry

 
October 24, 2006, 6:55 pm CDT

hold on

Quote From: mandyland

I experienced a loss of a child in a different way- miscarriage.  I was 12 weeks pregnant and on top of the world when it all came crashing down.  I miscarried on August 28, 2006- my 21st birthday.  I don't know how to move on and have no one to talk to about it.  My husband is dealing with it in his own way, quietly and solely.  I would be 20 weeks pregnant today if I hadn't miscarried and can't stop thinking about my baby that died.  Does anyone have any advice on how to move on?  I have wanted a baby as long as I can remember and this just seemed like the right time and I feel like my body has failed me. 

 

Amanda

Losing a child at any time is a terrible thing.  It doesn't matter how old or how young.

I have a friend who lost a child in an accident at age 20.  It was sudden and she couldn't say goodbye.

My child was sick for a whole year.  I was able to tell that little bugger that I loved him over and over and over.  It didn't help with the grieving.  I was alway hopeful he would get better, but he knew he was loved and I would be with him again someday.

Losing a child like you did would be so hard.  You have so many dreams of holding and raising  your child.  It is hard to hold your faith at a time like this, but I like to think God took my little guy so he wouldn't suffer and he is my angel forever.  Knowing this would happen, would I change ever having him? No.

Your husband sounds like he deals with his grief just like mine.  Just remember, everyone deals with things differently.  He still loves you, but is so tormented just like you are. 

Will you try to have another?  If so, be happy and know whatever happens, you are a wonderful young women that will be a wonderful mommy someday one way or another.

I am praying for you and the pain you are going through.  It sucks to be in this club doesn't it?  Losing a child really does suck!

 
October 26, 2006, 1:33 pm CDT

Passing of MY Daughter

Good Afternoon,

My daughter Valerie passed away on January 11, 2005 she was married, no children and she was 33 yrs old.  It was December 4, 2004 that I got the call my daughter was being admitted to ICU with kidney and liver failure.  Well, for the next  5 weeks she was heavily sedated and in two different hospital ICU's.  Then, the day came when she had gotten better.  She was able to come home with oxygen, hospital bed, nurse, etc. etc.  And, do outpatient dialysis.  On Thursday, January 5, 2005 I met her at her dialysis.......the doctor said it would not be much longer that she would need dialysis.  While in the doctor's office she developed a fever....doctor gave her antibiotic iv and sent her home.  The fever did not break.  We ( husband and I) took her to the hospital.............while waiting for a bed................we were talking and in a very good mood she has a heart attack and for the next 6 days could not be stabilized.....and passed away. 

I miss her so much.  My heart breaks everyday.  I don't know how to get better.  I just want my daughter back.  I do take antidepressants but they don't help.  And, to make matters worse my ex son in law will not return my phone calls.  He said he would not do anything with my daughter's remains and her personal things without giving me the opportunity to have them back.  But, I guess he was not serious.  He also has personal things that belonged to my Mother.  I can't imagine what goes though someones mind.  I realize I don't know what he is going through losing a wife.  But, I do no that there is nothing in this world that compares to losing a CHILD>no matter what age.

 

Hopefully, someone can help me put this all in perspective.  Thanks for you help.

Gail

 
October 26, 2006, 9:19 pm CDT

Coping with the Death of a Child

Quote From: gjl724

Good Afternoon,

My daughter Valerie passed away on January 11, 2005 she was married, no children and she was 33 yrs old.  It was December 4, 2004 that I got the call my daughter was being admitted to ICU with kidney and liver failure.  Well, for the next  5 weeks she was heavily sedated and in two different hospital ICU's.  Then, the day came when she had gotten better.  She was able to come home with oxygen, hospital bed, nurse, etc. etc.  And, do outpatient dialysis.  On Thursday, January 5, 2005 I met her at her dialysis.......the doctor said it would not be much longer that she would need dialysis.  While in the doctor's office she developed a fever....doctor gave her antibiotic iv and sent her home.  The fever did not break.  We ( husband and I) took her to the hospital.............while waiting for a bed................we were talking and in a very good mood she has a heart attack and for the next 6 days could not be stabilized.....and passed away. 

I miss her so much.  My heart breaks everyday.  I don't know how to get better.  I just want my daughter back.  I do take antidepressants but they don't help.  And, to make matters worse my ex son in law will not return my phone calls.  He said he would not do anything with my daughter's remains and her personal things without giving me the opportunity to have them back.  But, I guess he was not serious.  He also has personal things that belonged to my Mother.  I can't imagine what goes though someones mind.  I realize I don't know what he is going through losing a wife.  But, I do no that there is nothing in this world that compares to losing a CHILD>no matter what age.

 

Hopefully, someone can help me put this all in perspective.  Thanks for you help.

Gail

Gail-

 

Everytime I hear a Mother-in-LOSS story , my heart breaks and cries again.  The only thing that I can you, is that time softens the pain.  My daughters anniversary of  death is approaching (12/05 five years).  I finished celebrating what would have been her 30th birthday.

 

The thing that helped me the most was believing in the Lord Jesus Christ.  He had a plan for her and when that plan was completed he brought her home.  Over the course of nine years of her being sick (as a result of a neglect doctor prescribing drugs) we were told several times to bring the family together, that she would not last through the day or night.  Alicia died of congestive heart failure, and total organ shut-down.  I too am only antidepressants (2 DIFFERENT), they help to cope with the every day functions, but they do not take the pain away. 

 

My one piece of advice is to talk about her, as if she was still with you.  She was part of your life for 33 years.  Don't let anyone tell you to just suck it up and move on.  Remember all the great times that you had with her.  People don't want to talk her with you cause they don't know what to say, and these are the ones that won't you to move on.  How can you move on,  part of you is GONE!  I am thankful that I have a great daughter-in-law.  She lets me talk about her, remember her, and doesn't fault me.  Find someone that will let you vent, someone that knows that loss.  I too, want my daughter back, but not the way she was.  She was in so much pain the last 2 months of her life.  I watched her strave and shut down for nine days.  You will get better, remember that there are others out there that need you.  My DIL had to remind of that.

 

Another thing that has helped is, I started a past-time activity....machine embroidery.  I started making things for the nursing home residents, and now it has turned into a full time JOB.  I love it.  Each time I make something, I label it in memory of Alicia.  There is something for you, and you will find it, or shall I say, it will find you.  You are in my prayers.  I don't check this often, but if you want to correspond my email is alwill210@netzero.net.

 

Lynn

 
October 28, 2006, 10:30 am CDT

My Son Passed on Labor Day

 Hello...

My son passed away on Labor Day.  I am not here to speak about his death though...I am here in hopes that I can save another child or adult.  I tried to create my own topic, but the message board didn't want to cooperate. 

My son died due to methadone.  This is NOT crystal-meth.  This is a drug that doctors are prescribing for pain.  I have met MANY other mothers that have recently lost children to this drug.  I want to educate others and ask for your help.  This drug is literally killing people daily. 

One Pill can Kill 

http://abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=2475616&page=1 


Please watch these videos… 

http://www.nopetaskforce.org/popups/news12_12-2005.htm 

http://www.cbsnews.com/sections/i_video/main500251.shtml?id=1483422n

PLEASE sign our petition and get the word out. 
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/signatures/472711451?page=1&ltl=1161968093



 
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