Topic : Coping with the Death of a Child

To hear of your loss! And having to deal with everything else on top of it can only add to your pain. I can't even begin to imagine all that you have been through. I lost my daughter to a car accident as well, so I can relate to THAT pain! It is devastating, breath takingly painful! I had just talked to her about an hour before and we always ended our conversations with "I love you." I know all the stages of greif as well, and go through different ones depending on my day. It is the toughest thing a parent has to endure. My heart goes out to you and your family!

I am so sorry you and your family are going through all this. I hope you do find some peace and comfort SOON

~Hugs~ Debra

I lost my only child 09/09/07 as a result of a motorcycle accident. My life changed forever.  He participated in a memorial ride for 2 police officers who were shot. After the ride he sideswiped another vehicle. In a failed attempt to regain control of his motorcycle he left the road. His bike flipped on the steep enbankment. He died from blunt force trauma when the bike fell on top of him.

I died on the side of the road with him. I will grieve the loss of my son until the day I can be with him.

I understand your pain.

There is NOTHING  you could have done, that you didn't do! You did not cause your son to die! I know we as Mother's put the blame on us, I did after my daughter's death. But in reality there is nothing that we could have done to prevent what happened.  You being his Mother didn't cause him to have bi-polar, didn't cause him to die. Your right, no one can bring him back, but you have to find your way through this, your son would want you too.

How long ago did he pass? Have you thought about counseling? There are some great groups out there, Compassionate Friends, The Yellow Ribbon Group, and your local hospice chapter has some great resources as well. You need to reach out and allow people to help you. That is one of the hardest parts of grieving because we all put on this front for everyone, "I am ok." When really we are screaming inside and wanting time to just stop. I encourage you to look for someone that you can talk too, someone that understands your situation, preferrably someone nuetral.

My daughter died in a car accident. Her cousin made a left turn in front of an uncoming car. For the longest time I blamed myself, because had I gone and picked her up she would be alive today. BUT, everything happens for a reason, I am a firm believer in this. And had I picked her up and she lived that day, it would have given me more time, but she would have been taken from me, eventually because I believe that it was meant for her to go. We can't comprehend the BIG picture, what "THE PLAN" is, but God knows what he is doing and your son was someone that God wanted for whatever reasons. Hold on to your faith and don't shut yourself off. We are here for you whenever you need to express yourself.

HUGS, Debra

Deb, thank you so much for answering me. I feel like I've been screaming for someone to listen and to understand. Sometimes I really feel I can't take it anymore. I've been taking an enormous amount of pain killers, sleeping pills and anti anxiety pills.  I just don't want to be awake to face the reality of that beautiful boy not being in my life anymore.  And things could have been different. I was selfish. I put my own needs first while he was in his formative years. He was 21 when he died. Just over a year ago. He died suddenly in his sleep, aspiration of stomach contents was the official coroners report. He was on some heave meds because of his bi-polar. I believe that was a factor.He claimed he forgave me my 'bad years'. but he didn't have a hateful bone in his body.  He was the embodiment of love. And now he's gone.

I don't know what I want by posting this, I don't know what I expect, or what I have the right to expect.

I just want to thank you so very much though. 

I felt for a moment like somebody cared. That is priceless. I will get through another day because of your kindness.

I don't believe in God Deb, no loving God would have taken that beautiful boy from this earth. From his sister or his father and me. I have no faith. I don't go out. I occasionally interact on the internet. 

I'm so sorry for your daughter's passing Deb. You sound like a strong, intelligent, caring, loving woman. I think your daughter was very blessed to have such a mother.

Thank you Deb, even though tears are streaming down my face. I feel so greatful someone heard me. I feel an overwhelming sensation of love for you.

I will get through today.

Love Sylvie

I know we want to "justify" what happened, to reason out why our child was taken from us, BUT you cannot blame yourself! What happened in the past is in the past, no worrying, no crying, no regrets can change the past. We can, however, change our future, change our perception, learn to accept what was and move on. I had alot of 'what ifs' to deal with. I had alot of, if I had only known, this would not have happened, kind of thing. Once I got through that I was able to move on in my grief.

I am VERY concerned about you! The drugs you are taking can and will kill you! You isolating yourself is not helping either. You have to wake up everyday and get through that day, taking baby steps. In order for you to get pass this, you HAVE to GO through it. It is a painful journey, I will not lie, but one that you MUST endure to save yourself! Your son would want you to go on, your son wants nothing but happiness for you! Sure that may seem selfish, your thinking how can I be happy when he is not here. Well, let me tell you he is very happy where he is, no more pain or suffering for him. I know how you cannot have faith or not believe in God, I was VERY angry at Him for a LONG time after my daughter's accident. I felt she was a gift given to me at a time when I was told I would not have children and I was in an abusive relationship. I thought she was HIs way of telling me THIS is your purpose, this is why you are here. We all have a purpose in life, and for some they are fortunate enough to figure that purpose out. My daughter did. And looking back, I see it too. It had nothing to do with me. Let me tell you, there was over 2,000 ppl that came to see her at her showing and there were nearly 900 at her funeral. THAT was her purpose, to touch lives. I am sure if you were to sit down and think with some reflection, you will be able to determine what your sons purpose is, what YOUR purpose is. Maybe you are to share your story with others, help other parents with children of Bipolar, I don't know but there IS something out there that you can channel your energy into, to place your focus. Children are very resiliant people, and when he said he forgave you, trust me, he does!

You seriously need to consider looking into getting some counseling Sylvie! I am VERY concerned about your well being, emotionally and physically! You have already shown me that you want some help. You wrote here. You reached out here hoping someone would hear you, I did.... NOW you need to take another step and get some professional help. I am here to listen to you, to be a shoulder for you, but I am not a professional, I only help you with your journey from what I have learned myself.

My Jessica's birthday is next friday, Februaruy 15, she would have been 19. I have had a rollercoaster of a ride since graduation last June. All the things she would have done I have morned. Her anniversary date is November 8, 2003. And even though it has been 4 years, I still have 'bad" days. They are further apart, and less frequent, but they still knock me down. Sure I am better able to cope with them, because of the journey I have been on. But, until we walk through the greiving process, we are stuck and will remain stuck until we can get through that process. Hang in there with me Sylvie, PLEASE. If not for you, for your daughter, for your husband, for your family. Be kind to yourself, be gentle to your spirit.

Arms reaching across the states giving you one enormous HUG! 

Love, Debra

Thank you Deb

Your kindness touches me deeply. I will repay that kindness by taking your advise. I feel quieted somehow by your response. 

I'll be thinking of you and your daughter as her birthday approaches. My daughter is 19 too.

Hugging you right back

Love Sylvie