Topic : Coping with the Death of a Child

Sweetie! Give yourself some room to grieve, it's ok that you weep everyday, in fact that is normal. Alot of what we feel and do during the grieving cycle leaves us wondering if we are actually going crazy. Well, for a short time we do go a little crazy, after all we just lost a child. No parent is prepared for that kind of loss, no matter when or how. If your counselor is not working with you then find a different one. Just because you started with this one does not mean you have to stay. You need someone that you are comfortable with, confident with or you won't benefit from the process. You also need to surround yourself with positive people that will support you when you need it. Sometimes it's just the physical need of the shoulder or a hug, but those mean the most when they are needed. Also, don't be afraid to voice YOU DO NEED. Most often times, people spiral fast into the "black hole" because they are too afraid to let people know they need help and what kind of help. Your true friends and family want to help but I am sure that 99% of them don't know how and by you asking that gives them a purpose, makes them feel that they are needed. I would also contact your local hospice chapter. They have numerous resources available to them and they provide some services as well. I have attended a camp for families that have lost a child. It is a camp geared towards providing healing for everyone involved in that child's life, parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, whoever. I experienced alot of healing at that camp.  How long have you been on the anitdepressents? Some of them take up to a month before you start to benefit from them. You are still in the very early stages, still very raw with your emotions. Be kind to yourself, be gentle to your spirit. It's ok to be depressed, it's ok to stay in bed for the day, to stay in your pj's for the day, if that is what is going to get you through THAT day. Do what YOU need to do to get YOU through this. Everyone grieves at a different pace so don't think there is a time limit on this thing. I lost my 14 year old daughter to a car accident on November 8, 2003 and I still have my days, as you will. I am not saying that you will ever be whole again, because I think when a parent loses a child they lose a piece of themselves in the process. My heart has a hole in it that has never gone away since that day. I reach out to people like you and other's that have lost a child. It has helped me tremondously with my grief process. Someone mentioned leaning on your faith, for some that may be comforting, but other's, like myself, it isn't. I was, still at times, SO angry at God for taking my beautiful daughter from me, and I struggle with it today. Do I beleive that I will see her again, you betcha! Another thing that parents struggle with is the emptiness that comes. They feel lost, "where do I go from here?" kind of thing. I put alot of energy into helping others. I also help create a Memorial Garden for the high school and the community because that year we lost 5 students. It was a blow to our gut for sure. It was a 2 year process but worth every minute now that it is complete. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, even the bad stuff. We were put here for a reason, we need to find what our purpose is in life, and sometimes that means taking on a whole nother direction then where we came from.

I hope this helps you some and I hope that you find some grace and understanding in your journey soon.

 

~HUGS~ Debra

I just lost my baby twins just after birth on February 21, 2008.  I was only 23 weeks along.  I had a daughter Addison and a son AJ.  I tried for eight years to get pregnant and finally after so many doctors, medications, ultrasounds, and nights of crying myself  to sleep i was blessed with these beautiful babies.  My husband and I held our babies until the last beat of their hearts.  We buried our babies two days after they were born.  It seems like everyone around me has moved on as though nothing ever happened.  How am I supposed to move on after feeling them inside me and hearing their heart beats.  I had several ultrasounds so i was even able to watch them as they were moving inside me.  I hear people say all the time that they can't wait until summertime.  I was supposed to have my babies this summer.  I cry when I think about all the plans I had and how I was feeling so overwhelmed with the thought of having twins.  I would do ANYTHING  to have those feelings again.  I want my babies back and I don't know how to move on.  I don't want to move on.  I do know how you feel and i'm sorry for your loss.  Just know you are not alone.

I can't even begin to fathom the pain and angony you and your husband are going through. You are still in the very early stages of it all and what you are experiencing is normal. It's ok to be angry, it's ok to cry, it's ok that you want time to stop, for now. I encourage you to get some professional counseling, grief counseling, and I would contact your local hospice chapter. They have resources available for parents that have lost children. My eyes swelled up with tears reading your post, I can't even begin to imagine the nightmare you are living. I lost my 14 year old daughter to a car accident on November 8, 2003. I know the pain, the not wanting to go on. But I just cannot imagine all that you have been through and then to lose the 2 most prescious things in your life. My arms are reaching out, hugging you.

 

I pray for grace for you and your husband, Debra

Sorry that I have not kept in tough.Been having a really rough time the last several month,trying to deal with the reality that my Willie is really gone (2 years on 4-27) and trying to help my other kids.My son Chris is having a bad time,he was the last one to see Will before he died,Chris had left to help his cuz pick up his car,two hours later Will was gone. Chris was cry ing (not one to show feelings) saying he could have saved Will if he was home (they lived together) if he had not gone with Adam " I could have save my brother" what do you say when you see your child in so much pain? He feels so much guilt about leaving he knew Will was upset about Tasha not coming back,but this had gone on for years,break-up back together,break-up always Tasha doing the breaking-up and coming back Will always taking her back but this time was different,found out a week later( after his' death) she was pregnant (by someone else) she broke Will's heart,less then two years later she has two kids now.She used Will for months  saying she was coming back from GA. just needed to pay some bills, he was sending her money every week,two days before he died he told me "going to get my new truck on Friday then going to get my Tashie in May" he died Thursday night while on the cell phone with her all she did was call her mother,they did nothing to help my son,no call to the police,911,or to my    dil who was at the time her best friend. I guess I need to vent and talk about my Willie.I hope everyone is well.I have you in my prayers.(((((HUGS))))) Bunny

Thank you to everyone, for your word .

 

                        your's truly, coffee2005

That Chris soon realizes that it's not his fault! Sure he MAY have prevented that time if he had stayed but who knows if there would not have been another time. I am a firm beleiver that everything happens for a reason. I am so sorry that you are all suffering so badly! I can't even begin to understand or comprehend what you are all going through. My heart goes out to you all! Be kind to your spirit through this tribulation.

 

Hugs~ Debra

 Chris the same thing Willie was suffering badly and the break-up with Tasha was the last straw for him,he suffered with ADHD and bi-polar ,I'm told by my Dr. most kids with ADHD also have bi-polar but it is not diagnosed at a young age or even in the teens. I am thankful that Chris is expressing his felling to me,he's always been a kid that hold things in. I too believe that your life is set even before your born and that you stay only until what ever you need to do is done. Willie's at peace no more ADHA ,migraines (suffered badly with them) no more inner turmoil just peace and for that I'm thankful.Thank you for the support and caring. I hope Dennis is well. Take care, you are always in my payers. ((((HUGS))))) Bunny

For letting me know how things are with you and your family! I worry about the families that have been affected my such a tremondous loss as that of a child. It is trully unfair!

Dennis is doing awesome! Thank you for inquring. He is talking nonstop now and SO SMART! He will be two on June 17th already! How time flies! I keep thinking about last summer and how tiny he seemed, and I look at him now and see this "little man" appearing before my eyes.

Always thinking of you, Debra

glad to hear that Dennis is doing well. My Grandson Gabe will be three in June (5) he's getting so big so fast,he was a preemie he's small for his age but makes up for it in spirte,just a little fireball of engery I wish he could give some to me.I am just so tired all the time so unlike me .Take care.God Bless.(((HUGS))) Bunny

I lost my 24 year old son to suicide 23 months ago...The grief is still so hard to cope with.  I was wondering if there were others on this board that have lost a child to suicide.

Pam