Topic : Coping with the Death of a Child

 

 Pam, I lost my son, Brandon, to suicide on July 5 2005. He was 21 yrs. old. My life feel like it ended on that day, if not for my other son, I would not have chose to stay alive.

The 2nd yr. was actually the most difficult to live through for me. I think the first yr. I spent in shock. The 2nd yr was so bad that I had times when I forgot that he was dead, and had to remember it all over again.

Thank the Lord for my wonderful therapist.

I am just now starting to feel like I am getting a resemblence of a life back together.I too, had to quit my job, as I think someone else mentioned.

The thing that made it more difficult was that so often people have their own judgements about suicide. I did not get any support after he was gone. My own church deserted me.

I am so sorry for the loss of Brandon...Thanks for your insight.  I have had a good therapist too...

 

I still go to the cemetary each week with flowers...

 

I am glad that I am not the only one that had to quit a job...it was so hard to understand the lack of support.  I wanted to go back part time one month and then full time the next...but no overtime...They would not let me come back without working overtime...and  if I was not back by October 1st...I was basically terminated...  what a choice.  (Jason died May 19th). 

 

I am so sorry your church deserted you..I really don't think people understand the depth of our pain or how to be there for us.  I really appreciate the internet and being to talk with others that have dealt with this pain.

Hugs,

Pam

It's been a rough week Willie's Angeldate was Sunday and had a really hard time . So I've been off for while Turing to regroup. It is wonderful at you are scrap booking Jason's life,I wish I was able to do the same but most of my things from the kids where lost in storage due to a water flood. I do have some very special items that I keep  with me at all times. I can understand not being able to work on thing I just don't do much of the things I did before Willie's suicide,just don't have the angry of desire anymore but it's getting better slowly. it will come in time. Hope everyone is doing well. take care (((((HUGS)))) Bunny

BIG HUG!! You have  been in thought and prayer!

Thank you so much. I keep you in my prayers.Hope Dennis is doing well. Bunny

I lost my son Patrick. he was 18.   On September 23. 2006, he drove my car into a gas station at 1:43 am .  He was traveling in excess of 100 mph through a red light,  as he steerd twards the gas station he hit a bump in the road  that sent him airborn clipping a wall and launching him into the awnings that guided him along the gas station rather than into the pumps you think it was luck the usually busy station was empty and there were no other injuries.   He died instantly.

 

I had quit my job in 2003 to deal with my son who had mental, drug and alcohol problems.  I took him to therapy, to school and work encouraged him as parents do.  For everything he did well he did twice as much to sabotage what he did. He loved to piss me off to no end.   Things were going well with Pat and I took a full time job.  3 months later I had to call into work.  I took 10 days off for the funeral and went back to work.  For  the next 3 months I drove by the accident scene on my way to work and continued to work as my manager begged me to take a personal leave of absence.  I felt bad at work but far worse home alone.  They fired me due to failure of performance.  It took me a year to think about going to work again.  Now I am back at the family business working when I want.

 

Patrick's death was ruled an accident. 

 

That night,  I let him take my car camping with his 12 year old brother and friend, because I just got off work on a Friday night  and our daughter's 16th birthday, I was tired and had a busy weekend to plan.  I asked him if my car would be safe,  I told  him that I needed it back by 9am so I could get his sister to get her hair done in the morning for Home Coming Dance Saturday night.  He set his alarm on his phone and was excited that I was trusting him with my car overnight.  I kissed him good by and told him I loved him.  

 

We were awaken at 7 am by the Sheriff who was at the wrong house stating they'd be here shortly.  My husband was bitching and pasing back and forth what has that kid none now.  I tried to calm him and thought the probably got caught camping without a permit or something stupid.  When the officer came to the house my sister went outside to greet the officer she came back in and cried don't go out there.  He's dead, they don't know where Ricky is....What?!?!?! now the girls are up every one is completely freaking out and My husband is just finding out that Ricky was with them.  Rick comes out of his room and is confused to what is going on.    My husband crying hysterically...I looked at him and said.  "It is not that we did not expect this day to come...I will take care of this" then I went outside to speak to the officer I was calm but in shock. He gave me a paper bag with Pat's wallet and phone told me what happened, where they took him and had given me a paper  with the towing company and medical examiner.   Then he was gone.  I walked to my mother's house and gave her the news.  called the insurance company, I called the friend he was with the night before to give the news....I called my brother inlaw and asked him to bring over my nephew over and told him what happened.  he picked me up at my mothers and  took me to the scene of the accident.  I they were still cleaning up concreate and glass and I walked the the 500 feet of distruction it hit me he was gone and I broke down and cried for the first time that morning.  As my brother in law took home I gathered my strength and composure and decided that there was nothing I could do about Pat and went on with my weekend plans.  I convinced my daughter to go to the dance and took her and my nephew to meet my cousin to have Rachaels hair done.  That night I could not sleep until Rachael was at home safe in her bed.  I can't believe I made her go out.  I don't know if it was the right thing to do.

 

As the days went by, I found out from his brother Pat wrecked the car showing off drifting.  He broke a tail light and got the car stuck on a tree stump.   He got depresssed and one of his friends gave him some extacy.  Later that night my sun roof was broken by some of the teens partying. then he got in a fight with someone who was having sex with the girl he liked.  Drunk and stoned he drove his brother home.  Changed his shirt. Got back in the car and killed himself. 

 

I relive that story every day.  I cry then I get angry with him for being stupid.  So the car was wrecked.  I'd get mad than over it.  How do we get over his death?  we don't.  We Love our family and go on with our lives take care of the children we have left at home and try to remember the times God gave us with our child and hope he watching over us.

For your loss. I can't begin to imagine everything that your family has been through. Thank you for sharing your story with us, May God bless you all and I pray you find some peace!

 

~Hugs~ Debra

I understand what you are going through.  I lost my oldest boy on January 28, 2003. He was 22 years old. It is strange, but sometimes I look at his picture and talk to him. Does that sound weird? It is so hard to let go. I've had my own other kids, older kids, tell me I need to quit dwelling on it, but it is so difficult. He was their brother, yes, but they did not give birth to him and raise him.  He went to live with his real dad out in Nevada after his dad and I divorced and I ended up meeting someone else, who happens to be younger than myself.  Well, my new beau and my older kids did not get along. So, my oldest boy left me and went out to his real dad. I feel like if I had not been with this other man, my older kids would not have left so soon.  My boy was found in a park in Stead, Nevada, in a sleeping bag, with a bag over his head. That is the story I've gotten anyway. My ex-husband identified him through a picture of him. It has truly been difficult, even after 5 years now.  The man I met and I ended up getting married 2 years after living together. We've had 2 little boys and we are now divorced, even though I live with him and our boys. I still miss my oldest boy to this day.

To miss your son! You will miss him until you are together again. I hear som guilt coming from you, as if you blame yourself. I know as a parent you are trying to come up with reasons to justify what happened, but sometimes there are none. We can always look back on something and say, What if or Had I done... but that is hindsight. We do today what we think is best and if it's not we learn from that, but you can't kick yourself for the "what if's" you can do that the rest of your life in pretty much every aspect and you would wasting valuable time and energy. And your right, your children can't comprehend what you feel, how could they? They have not lost a child of their own. Until one does, you can't fathom the pain. My heart goes out to you and your family!

I lost my daughter at the age of 14 to a car accident on November 8, 2003. Her cousin was bringing her home and made a left turn in front of an on coming car. I miss her SO much. Sure I function and I laugh and smile, but there is always this nagging ache in my heart, a slight emptiness to my laughter and that's because a part of me died that day. She was my only child at the time and one of best friends. We did everything together. Sure, we had our occassional "yelling" matches, but we were tight. Like the week before the accident she wanted me to sleep with her and cuddle. I did that for 3 nights that week. It was awesome. Walking in the mall she would hold my hand, she would hug me in public and for those that have teens, you know what that means to a parent! I felt some guilt too, I should have went and got her, I should have not let her go in the first place, just all kinds of things... I had to let it go because it was eating me up. The energy I was using to fight all that was killing me. Once I learned to let go of that negative stuff I was able to focus on HER! My fear is that I will start to forget, forget how she smelled, the laughter in her voice, the way she said, "Mom......... I love you!" Her biggest fear is that she would be forgotten if she were to ever perish, my goal, for the rest of my life, is to NOT let that happen. I talk to her all the time, I share stories about her everyday, and sometimes to complete strangers, I have stickers on my car with her name and dates and her basketball number. Basketball was her life, she loved to play and she wanted to become a coach.

Bless you and your family and thank you for sharing your story!

~Hugs~ Debra

My firstborn son was murdered on the streets of South Central Los Angeles at age 17, 34 years ago.

Here's a regular conversation when I share with someone about Brandon's murder:

 

Was he a gang member? No, he wasn't a gang member, was actually one of the first African Americans hired at El Pollo Loco restaurant. You probably shouldn't have let him hang out so much.  Actually he stayed home at least 98% of the time and I use to try to persuade him to go out. South Central is a horrible place! Actually, growing up there myself, I found South Central to be  a truly wonderful part of my life, memories and experiences. We we able to play outside till the streetlights came on. If you did something wrong the neighbor's would scold you and then tell your parents on you. Our teachers inspired us, cared about us and put in lots of work after work.

Brandon was killed on the streets he grew up on, around the children he used to go to school with, by young men who I hope will one day be free from this lifestyle. Brandon was a beautiful spirit that blessed us for seventeen years. Some unfair things that happened to my son and the circumstances behind his murder left me bitter for 13 years, it is only these last few years that I have been free. The one thing that still bothers me is when people say either of these two comments to me: 'shouldn't you just get over it' or 'I know what you are going through' (and they have not lost a child). I am getting close to getting over these two comments, but they still sting nonetheless.