Topic : Interracial Relationships

Wow, is the first thought I had when I read your note... I have some information for you....

Your mother is right. Sad, but true to a certain degree..

First of all, no one is perfect... not even this African man. Is he a citizen of the United States?  This is an important question. I'll tell you why I ask when you post a reply...

Second, interracial marriage in some cities, states and neighborhoods experiences ridicule, undue stress and strain and certainly unnecessary strife.

You may never regret the marriage to the African man, but you may cry more than you laugh depending on where you live after marriage. People are people and many of them are prejudice.

Ultimately, you have to make decisions for yourself on who you will marry and what that means to you and him.  You can not live your life based on the fear of what your fellow white family and freinds may say or do...

BUT, you can not be thinnned skined, you can not wear your feelings on your sleeve and you have to be able to allow insults to roll off your back like water off a duck.... Because it will not be easy...

NOW, sure as I say that.... your experiences may be totally opposite, as no one can see the future... many times people ridicule others because they are jealous, wish they had what you have or wish they had the nerves or the bravery to do as you are or have done.... One never knows the motivations of others. Your mother could be one of these people, maybe she always wanted to interracially date but feared what she expressed to you.

DON"T let the fears of others dictate your decisions.

Above all else, pray about it. Be still, be quiet and listen to the spirit. You'll know what's best as the holy spirit will lead and guide you all the way.

Again, is the African man a citizen of the US.....

Talk to me...

Sincerely

Thank you so much for taking the time to answer some of my questions!

No, he is not yet a citizen of the U.S. 

The way he sees it, if we have eachother, it won't matter what people say..but then, when it comes right down to it, it probably would matter.

Not having seen much of the country as yet, I love learning about new cultures, meeting people from different countries, and would consider myself very lucky to have the opportunity to be a part of the Zambian culture...meeting his parents/family. 

My feelings are so mixed. One part of me wants to end it all in order to please my family, but the other part wants to ignore what they say and go with what my heart says. The hardest thing for me is having to look at everything he has...seeing all of the amazing qualities and yet, because of skin color....  if he was white, my parents would have absolutely no problem with him.  *sigh*

Hello, my name is Karmen and the reason why that my husband and I are divorcing each other, is because that we have been married for 4 years going five years and we have been going through a tough time and we got married way too fast and we have two beautiful daughters who are in foster homes in the state of Virginia and we have not seen them in a while. My husband is the father of both of my girls. Stephen and I have been separated for over six months and my husband doing wrong things and I have been doing wrong things also. So, I need to redeem myself into getting back with my husband and to work on our marriage and to go to a marriage counselor and to renew our wedding vows because we have two children together and they are living in separate fostor homes, one in Newport News, VA and one in Hampton, Va. I really want to fix this situation before it's too late and I would like to have my husband to move in with me so that we can give this marriage another chance for the honor of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ because we met at church in Hampton,Virginia. When we were dating, I ask my husband if we can have another person in our relationship and he says yes and we had a threesome sex and sex parties because my husband he said that will make our marriage stronger and stronger. In the bible says and it still stands that having sex with other people is a sin and my mom told me about it also and he was watching porn movies which I had no right watching it and I said that I don't like watching that because it is not of God. I really would like to have Stephen and I give this marriage another try. Let's talk some more. Thank you and may the Lord richly bless you.

Karmen Sylvia

It feels so good to know that there are more diverse relationships out there.  I think that it is a great thing because it breaks down many barriers taht have been set as stereotypes over generations.  I am a full blood armenian whose parents were Born in Syria. My husband was born in honduras.  My dad lived in many parts of the world like Turkey, most pf the middle east and even Mexico.  So talk about some cultural issues.  Whoo!  But my problem is this.  My mom is very orthodox in her beliefs that I should've married, arranged by her and the mans family, to an Armenian man.  She seems to think that I got suckered into my husband.  I have never been attracted to Armenian men, and that isn't to say that they don't have great qualities either.  But I just needed a little more diversity in my life.  I have been happily married for almost five years and will be for many more.  My husband and I have overcome many ostacles together. 

It is not easy to be ina relationship that includes another set of cultural beliefs.  I know that sometimes feel that I am the middle man, between one and the other, and to learn a whole new way of life that you've never known of before is also part of the adventure.  But there hav ebeen other perks that come too.  I have since learned Spanish, and my husband has picked up on Armenian. 

But , its not easy to play everything in a balance

With him not being a citizen, I say if you are going to marry him, wait until he becomes a citizen of the US before you do so..  Why?  Many men and women marry Americans so that they can remain in this country. Some will even pay you to marry them so that they can stay in this country. This may or may not be his goal, but you eliminate that possiblity if you do not marry him until after he obtains citizenship on his own.  It is the equivelent of a man or woman marrying another only because they are rich. I often times say that I feel sorry for Oprah Winfrey because she is so rich, no children, no husband and yet she desperately wants it all.  But she will never, ever know if a man is marrying her because of her fame and fortune. So she elected to stay single...

Next I say, continue to date him. It will be a wonderful experience for you to have him as a good friend. No sexual relations of course, but you can have fun, showing him around and learning from each other....

Get your passport, travel outside the country and get to see how other nationalities live. 

Remember, don't make decisions based on the fears of others. Think them through carefully and tread with caution any time you date men from other countries... not becasue of the color of their skin, but because they may have other motives....

Let me know how it goes...

Sincerely

I think that is a wonderful story. I met many Armenian women and was best friends with a lady from a past job. She was teaching me to speak Armenian.  The one thing the women all said to me when we spoke about men, is that they were not attracted to Armenian men... They all dated and married other nationalities...

Breaking down walls is a good thing in this regard...

It isn't easy, but it is worth it...

Sincerely

Ok, Karmen... it's time to go to work on your marriage... and get your children home soon.

Now that you know what you have done wrong in terms of moving too fast and the threesome, let's put that in the past and move past it.

Here's what you can do...

Even though you know your husband he knows you, you have to treat this reunion to be as a new relationship. Leave the past in the past and make new strides toward new fresh memories.

They way you do that is first go out on a date to a place where you can speak freely without shouting over loud noise.  Talk to you him like you have not done before... seriously

Ask him what he wants to do... Let's say he says he wants to come back home and be a family with you.... then Beautiful... Give him a big hug and a kiss....

Then you want to talk about plans for the future... where will you live, employment, schools for the children, a church where you can attend couples counseling and the children can attend Sunday School, finances and so on....  This will be your serious date where you will hash out future plans... Takes notes in a notebook, small so that it is not intimidating.

Remember he is going to re-assume his role as the man of the house... Which means, he is the primiary decision maker.. His decisions are made of course AFTER he has consulted with you and discussed your likes, dislikes, ideas, suggestions and concerns.  Then he should take this information from you coupled with his and make a decision for the family.....  This is important... A marriage is a partnership....for life... I am happy that you want to work it out.  Part of having a happy home is by allowing your husband to be the man that you know he can be, to lift him up, motivate him and in return, he will do the same for you... that is after all the goal.

Then, go on another date.... this date is the re-bonding date... This is the date where you begin speaking about topics where it helps you to get to know each other as you are today, not how you were in the past.... What does he like to do, favorite foods, does he love you, hold hands etc... What does he want for his daughters, for you...

Once you have found your new home and are in the same location.... Make sure your jobs are secure and you have bank accounts and are setting up for the future and the present...

Visit with the pastor at your new church and tell him what your plans are and register for couple's counseling and start going right away....  Ask the pastor to help you set up a family plan.  I think you will enjoy couples counseling in church over marriage counseling in town...

What you are essentially doing is setting up a family plan.... So that when you go to get your children... you will be able to say, my husband and I are back together working on buidling a stronger family unit. We are attending Couples counseling at such and such church, we have made arrangements for our children to go to such and such school and sunday school, I am working here and he is working there, or you may be a stay at home mom... We have set up our family budget where our monthly income is this and our debts are this and our surplus (savings) is this or will be this monthly... or one or the other is going back to school.....

Stay positive, no matter what. Smile more often... Look in the mirror and check you out... how is your hair, your nails, toe nails, your skin, how is your figure... work on you to make sure that you are looking the best that you can look to re-attract your husband.

What are you thoughts?

Sincerely

I would like to give this marriage another chance because Stephen and I need to work on our marriage a lot more times so that we will try to do a shakey start between Stephen and I. Next, I will be moving to Boston, Massachusetts to start a new life before this year is over and next fall, I will be attending New England Conservatory of Music to study voice and I will be finding an apartment for myself and my daughters so that way I will get to know the city of Boston and the state of Massachusetts. Until I moved to Boston, I would like to ask Stephen if he would like to move in with me and my daughters so that we will can give this marriage another try so that I will not cheat on my husband and he will not cheat on me ever again. I care about him(Stephen Sylvia) but we both need to think about what we've done and we will not make any mistakes ever again. The thing is that if my husband date another woman, I will be crush and upset. I ask myself what if the divorce is final and what do we go from there? That worries me the most. My husband and I are an interracial couple. I'm black and he's white and my father doesn't like him and neither is my mom and why is it? I ask myself that question. My husband and I had sex more than three times and we had a good time. He said that if I cheat on my husband like I did before, the marriage is over and I signed the seperation papers back in Virginia and I am not happy about it. So what can I do now? What if he says that he has a new girlfriend to start a new relationship with? What can I do to make this marriage even more stronger? And he said that if we end up staying married to one another, then it will get worst and worst then ever. What happens now I ask myself? What's next? I ask God to help my husband get his life back on track so that he will get his GED, CDL, etc. And what this person at church told me that God hates divorces and that is true. What if my husband finds true love to come into his life? What going to happen if he does that? I am going to have to say one more thing, I know that he is up to his tricks and he pull another stunt on me, he will have to suffer the consequenes for what he did to me. I will ask him what if anything comes to him and I will take him back and we can fix this relationship and this marriage. When I was in Newport News, I told my former neighbors that if any man or a woman interferes in our relationship, they will be buried six under and that is the truth.

Let's talk

Karmen Sylvia

I dont need a medal just because I have dated Black men. lol But thanks, Maybe you would like to honor me with one? haha

First of all, I WOULD learn all about my partner's side, should they be open enough to enlighten me. I would learn to do the girl's hair. Even though I have never been one to do my OWN! haha I never had the knack for it. I just can't seem to get the darn thing tight enough.

However, I do not intend tohave any more children of my own.If I am blessed enough to have an extended family, it goes without saying to me, I would take the time to EARN my SISTA card, out of respect for the other side of the family. it's the right thing to do. And I'm all about doing the right thing. haha Thanks for the comment. I wish I were riding off into the sunset now.

Stay Blessed.

This is some sound advice to listen to-especially in today's dating pool. One thing I notice in online dating, is just this type of stuff. men who wish to marry after chatting for a short period of time, people who want to pay you to marry them to stay here, and people who have been here for years and still have no residency. Which to me, is sheer laziness. I do have one person I met on a dating site and he had been here for 10 years. He says it takes 10 years to gain citizenship. Of which I have no idea how long it actually takes. However, had he applied long ago, he would be a citizen. I told him that, and he said I have no idea how hard it is. Maybe I don't but I woud have at least tried. let them dictate the situation. Let them strive to obtain citizenship to show how much they really do want to be here. If they cannot do that, and they are looking for the easy way out, say good bye to them. They are not worth your time and efforts.

I wish this person much luck.

Take care