I have read several of the heart felt postings that many of you have shared regarding interratial relationships, and I've wanted to respond to so many of them, but I thought that the best way to do that would be to share my experience with you all.
I am a 44yr old white female. In 1989 I became very good friends with a man that would become my husband. I had never thought about dating a black man before. In fact, if you'd have asked me before I'd met him if I would ever consider dating a black man, I think I would have said no.
I was 24 then, anxious to be on my own, and the time was right. Just like many of you, my family as well was resistant to my interratial relationship. They expressed concern and tried to get me to reconsider, but I still made the choice to marry him. Thank God my family never threatened to disown me or anything like that, but this situation was hard on all of us.
There were several - what I like to refer to as - internal and external stressors in our relationship/marriage. The external stressors being, the pain I'd caused my family, the uncomfortable feelings I had when he and I were in public together, the bonding that I would have liked to have had with his family, the anxiety of wondering if we'd be accepted in the neighborhoods that we'd moved into. Furthermore, I remember a specific moment of regret when I could not fully share my excitement of showing off my engagement ring the way my cousin did when she was perposed to around the same time as me. I also lost my best friend that I'd known litterally since the day I was born, due to her inability to accept my marriage.
The internal stressors were the differences that existed between us. He and I were raised differently in some very significant ways. A funny example of this occured one rainy day when he and I were in our moods to grip at eachother, and I had walked in out Apt with an opened unbrella. Some of his grandmother's West Virginian superstitions spilled over into him, and he insisted that I close the umbrella immediately. Well, since I was still quite irritated with him, this presented a wonderful way to get back at him. So I took the umbrella and with great conviction, I opened and closed it several times. He was not happy with me, and I felt a cheap but significant satisfation from my rebellous behavior.
Although, I think that that was a trivial issue, there were other internal stressors that pleagued our relationship, like our inability to agree on how to raise and disipline his son, differences in how we wanted to manage our finances, and in how we want to keep house. I'm not saying that all of these stressors are strictly influenced by race, but maybe in some ways they were. I'm still trying to figure that out.
In 1999, we were divorced, and I have had plenty of time since then to ask myself some very serious questions, and to come up with some answers.
For all of the anxiety that my marriage has caused me, and my now ex-husband, and our families & friends, was the relationship worth it? NO. I,m sure he has a lot of regret as well.
Do I think that interratial relationships are immoral or wrong? NO. But they do add both internal and external stressors to an already challenging situation. (Marriage is very challenging - if it wasn't, over 50% of all marriages wouldn't end in divorce).
Would I ever consider a serious relationship with a black man again? PROBEBLY NOT. I could make an exception if he was a combination of Terrance Howard, Blair Underwood, Lenny Kravitz, Danzel Washington, with a pinch of Prince. LOL. Actually, I believe I would consider it if he was someone that I connected with on such a deep level that I KNEW that it would last way beyond the infatuation period. I would need to believe with everything I had that I could not have this kind of closeness with anyone else. I would also listen carefully to the people in my life (especially those who are not concerned with race) who offer their opinions about him before I would feel that it was worth all the crap that comes along with doing something this controversal. Of course I think that that is good practice for anyone who is entering a serious relationship. Listen openly to the people around you who love you and want what is best for you.
Do I think that interratial relationships will have less of a stigma attached to them as time and generations go by? YES. I also want to add that I enjoy the differences that exist between nationalities and cultures. I like the fact that we look different and have different customs and schools of thought. It keeps the world an interesting place to live.
I'd love to hear from anyone who wishes to respond to this message. And God Bless all of you. I hope that you find the answers that you are looking for, and that you make the right decisions for yourselves.
K.D.
