Topic : Divorce Support

 Have you ever thought of catching her high on film so that she can see what she's like when she is high? Sometimes this is a real eye-opener for  people who are in denial.
Or, ask her to just abstain for awhile, say 30 days, as a favor to you and your daughter, to gain a sober perspective.  If she can't quit, she will realize that she is addicted.
I know the prevailing "wisdom" is that you can't get hooked on pot. I say BS! If you can be hooked on gambling, food, and sex, and use these as an escape from what troubles you, you can certainly be hooked on pot.  And at 5 times a day, I can safely say that she is NEVER sober. I don't know the stats on getting it out of your system, but 30 days should be a good start.
And last, of course you should be worried about the affect on your daughter! You are setting your daughter up for all kinds of negative attention from peers and teachers. Can you imagine the flack she will take at school when she does a show and tell on the various pipes and paraphernalia, thinking everybody's parents do this? Or what about sleepovers? How will you explain to other people's children ( and then their parents!) that your wife is the way she is because she's high? (Or the fact that she's baking cookies at midnight, etc etc...)  Your daughter is innocent, but will quickly learn that "something is wrong with mommy" and will reap the consequences of your wife's behavior.  Sorry, but smoking pot is NOT usual behavior and you're wife's insistence that it's OK won't fly in society. If she doesn't want shame and embarrassment heaped on your daughter, she really needs to look at herself.

My life has been hell since he filed for divorce.  I have not worked in 9 years am on disability, have had 2 major surgeries in the last 18 months and now being that I can not afford a lawyer he has everything.  I live in a place I hate. no money. He got everything by getting a lawyer, locked me out of my home took all my settlement money, all my personal things that meant anything to me oh did I mention he did do time for abusing me and has tested positive twice for me th.  But beings he has a lawyer and I don't I am at the courts mercer this coming month with be our trial.  he has tried to get me to settle this out of court but I pray that with my day in court the judge will finally get to hear my side and maybe I can get what is rightfully mine.  Happy to be divorce no way I got screwed and am still tring to find some sort of justice.

I will try to make this short but it is 9 years worth & has pretty much been ongoing but my want for the "perfect family" & my inability to see what is right in front of me and my insecurities & belief that things will change has kept me in the position I am in. Throughout my marriage my husband has always been doing some kind of drug. Secretly of course. It has taken so much. I left him & got my own place in 02' then we got back together in 04'. During that time he lost his house to foreclosure. He only pd $250/mo for & it was beautiful. His families farm had owned it & sold it for almost nothing. He did not have a phone, got gas from the farm, did not have truck ins or truck pymt & his parents always had to pay his house ins & taxes so he was only left with electric & food. He had a cell that the farm paid for which is where he worked when he did work. He also lost his son frm his 1st marriage due to drugs, lack of paying support, lack of communication & fights between us. I know he loved him but he loved himself & drugs more. He has always mentally & verbally abused me & there has been some physical. I have always had a hard time getting close to anyone. Don't know why. It was always just me & my mom growing up with no siblings. My father was an alcoholic until I graduated & now we are close. My mom never remarried after they divorced when I was 3. She dated the same man though for 30 yrs until her death in 05' fro a stroke at the age of 53. This has changed so much for me. She was my best friend & I am so lost without her. My husband & I have 3 children. g-9,b-5 & b-9 months. My daughter & his son with prev wife were very close till he lost him now we see maybe once a year. I have tried for yrs to help my husband & change him. I know that is wrong but he has always seemed to have many problems & feel as if he didn't have anyone. He does have a family. They are not real loving but they love him. He was adopted. He had a hard time when he & his 1st wife divorced & losing his son. He always has so many reasons for using drugs & being mad & hateful. Our kids have never seen him do any kind of a drug & he does not drink but they deal with  his up's & down's which are constantly. He is either happy & running around the house like he is on the biggest high or he is mad & doesn't hold back on anything. He can be such a loving person & can be a very good dad. He never misses a game of theirs unless he has to, he tucks them in at night etc... Our fights caused him to get caught up in the system & then that led to them realizing he had a drug problem which in turn led to them testing him while he was on probation. During this time he went out & did cocaine & got caught. He had to go to jail for awhile & then work release. All awhile I was pregnant & was grieving from the death of my mom & had lost my job during the 3 months I had to take care of her & my fmla ran out. I didn't & still don't know how to pay the bills. He finally got out & was working somewhere for almost nothing, lost his job & is now on unemployment. He used to seem to care about what we had or atleast want something in life but we are barely hanging on to our house, I lost my car & all we have is a little S-10 that we can't all fit in. Our bills get shut off. Our life is a mess!! He hasn't filed taxes in 6 yrs, he has 5 tickets that he just ignores & has lost his license. If he gets a bill in the mail he will just throw it away I guess b/c he knows we can't pay it. He takes on no responsibility. I do everything on my own. It's as if I have to be his mother. I file my taxes separately, budget as much as I can on nothing & pay the bills, handle all the kids activities, appts school etc... I am very much involved in my kids schools. They get very good grades. My daughter has gotten all A's & 1 B this year. None of our family we do have ever takes them. We constantly have kids & no breaks. It is hard. I love being a mom though. I filed for divorce 2 weeks ago but am scared to death. My blood pressure has been running high my doctor said. I am scared that I won't be able to make it financially. I love him deep inside but I do not like who he is at all & can not live around it anymore or else I feel like I will be right where my mom is & my children would inly have him & that would be horrible. I know he loves them but loves himself much more. We had been legally separated & I started receiving some food assistance & medical insurance. It's hard b/c this way I can stay home with the baby & be here for the other 2. That is so important to me since I am almost all they have & their safety is important & them being taken care of is as well. I also don't pay for childcare, gas or car pymt for a dependable car. When my mom was alive I had a really good job with wonderful benefits & insurance. I worked a lot but she was always there to help me. I had sitters that came to my house but they cost a lot & my mom helped when they needed off & to let them leave on time. I also cleaned houses every other week on my day off & sold candles. So I don't mind working but my kids are my priority. I have a friend that is successful at her job & says I need to just send them to daycare even if it is one that I can get assistance with which also means right now a pretty bad one (to me) that will take infants & just trust everything will be okay. She also has told me in the past about how her daughter was hit by a teacher at one of the daycares she sent her to when she was a baby. Babies can't speak so they can't tell you. I worry so much that they won't take care of the baby especially. And if I try to pay for a sitter or daycare myself it is going to be anywhere from $250-$350 a week. Why work if that is the case. My mom helped me with a down pymt on my house & it is in a good school district & is big enough for us. My pymt is only $378/mo & you can't rent for that these days. My mom didn't have any insurance at all when she died & it took all of my savings & 401K to bury her & to survive for awhile. My house in on the tax sale list but I continue to believe that I will find the money somehow. I just can't see moving somewhere else with a pymt like I have. With my husband here lately I have been able to get him to help me every week but we are barely making it & he is supposed to move out in the next few weeks then I have no idea what I will do. Not only do I have the regular monthly bills but I have bills that are behind & no running vehicle & it is not as if he can help when he doesn't even have a job. I will get support I know but that is not going to support us. It seems like every week I have to come up with money for something  for the school. That is most important to me. I just recently had to pay $110 to sign them up for baseball. My daughter has played for 3 years now & hopes to play all through school & maybe in college or maybe it will help her get a scholarship & my son wants to play & needs the distraction & the exercise. I hope that keeping them busy will keep them away from getting in trouble when they become teens. I pray!! Thank goodness for my tax sale to pay for that. So it just seems like there are so many things to overcome that I don't know how or where to start. No job, no help, didn't go to college, no running vehicle, 3 kids & an irresponsible husband, average health, bills & more bills. My husband has been through treatments but they have not helped. I definetly think drugs are an issue but it seems more then that. Recently we have not had a dollar to do anything with & I know he has not had anything in him for 3 weeks. He has been very hateful & I have been called a lot of names but he has survived through it & says he could anytime but he has had a back injury (which is true but he has not tried other methods even when he did have insurance). He is now addicted to pain pills. I found out he snorts them. But all through our marriage & like during these 3 weeks it is obvious that he has more then just that problem. He is mentally disturbed. He is very angry & no one can do anything right. He is always trying to cause chaos around here & start fights. If you say anything at all to him he will lash out at you & start blaming you for stuff. I could simply say "The mail is late today" & he would start saying "Well you do this or you do that". He is always criticizing everyone around him. He has called me every name possible. One minute he loves me then the next he hates me he say's. It is like being on a roller coaster. My mom & a few other people have mentioned in the past that he seems to be bi-polar. He cannot have a dime in his pocket or he has to spend it. I have tried to do things that don't cost around here to make everyone happy like having a night where we all play games together & have snacks & watch tv but he is not happy unless we can buy food out or rent a movie out. Money always has to be spent. When I filed for divorce his main concern was it being in the paper & who would see it. He seems so shallow. Everyday I am up anywhere between 5am & 6am with the baby & then get the kids up at 6:45 & get them off to school w hich can be a little chaotic all the while he lays in bed & just listens. It just drives me nuts. He could get up & help. He is no different then me right now. If he had a job it would be different. He disrespects women very much. When he is mad at me, he is mad at our daughter. He always treated me mom horribly. He talks bad about women. There is good & bad in our relationship. It just seems like he gives enough to keep me hanging on. I believe though now that I might let go but I am so scared of sinking financially. I cannot deny that I worry about him finding someone else. I am still going through so mu grief over my mom's death & I feel so alone & losing him seems like losing another family member even though all of the above has happened. Someone told me I am co-dependant. I just want to make the right decision. We have talked to the pastor of the church I had been going to & my husband seemed so sincere & caring & prayed with him but then turned into a devil when we left. It was all put on. He is the type of person that will sit & cry his eye's out to see a child being hurt on the tv like on talk shoes when they have sad stories or to see something like Feed The Children but then he can be so horrible. He is very controlling. He walks around 75% of the day being hateful & talking to me like he hates me but then the other 25% we are discussing our kids & things we would like to do around the house. He is just so up & down. Most of the time I have no one to talk to. I know that a year down the road if I don't end up homeless that I will kick myself for having not divorced him sooner but I am scared no matter what. How do I get on my feet? I have also lost myself in all of this. Gained weight & just look worn out. I don't have money to buy  myself anything so I just wear what I have all of the time. I told him recently if I had a magic wand I would just make him a responsible, caring husband that did not have to be addicted to anything. His  biological family all have addicted behaviors. They mostly drink. He is very selfish. OUr sex life has always been good so I don't believe that is the problem. I cook & clean & usually don't quit doing for everyone until about 1am everyday. I have always been at everything for my kids & always been the room mother for their classes. I know I have my issues mostly I guess not caring enough about myself but I know my heart lies with my family & I adore them. He has always been included in that but it is hard anymore. We are just constantly at each others throats. My kids & I have both been saved & try to live for God as much as possible but as if the devil is after us even more so b/c of this. I pray all of the time over this. I pray he will help me to see what the answers are here. It's hard for me to sit back & watch my family fall apart when I love them all including him but all of it is happening no matter what. He doesn't seem to have a desire to do what it is going to take to make it work. He has stolen from me numerous times. I have to sleep with my purse under my head or I will wake up to no money or some stolen, any meds I have stolen or some taken & maybe a check taken etc... I have to carry my purse fro room to room with me. He lie's constantly about everything, big or little. He is sneaky. Everything in his eye's is ours & his. He only feels like a good parent when he is doing things by himself with our kids. He will not invite me to go on a walk with them or to the park when they go. He wants to do it by himself & always has been that way. Its as if everything is a contest. See everything is just chaotic. It seems like it would take more energy to be the way he is then to just be normal & not start trouble all the time. Our 5 yr old son thinks he's the next thing to God. He can do no wrong in his eyes & tells me if he goes then he is going too even though I know that is not in his best interest. Our daughter loves him but can't stand this anymore. She say's he is always mad & it makes her sad to here him call me names. I have written Dr. Phil before but then gave up b/c I figured there was just too much to address. Too much for even Dr. Phil to tackle. I hated to even lay it on him. And then my husband would not go on tv anyways but I don't know where to turn or what to do. Does anyone have any advice?  

yikes.  I think you've got a problem on your hands.  He sounds like he needs serious help, and bipolar does sound like what he has, but I'm not a doctor, but I've heard they have very high ups and downs.  A friend of mine's husband has this problem too, and doesn't think anything's wrong with him, but he's always furious at the littlest things, and then he's all happy, and then furious with everyone, and he cries all the time.   He controls the household.  Thank god he moved out and now she's divorcing him.  I feel for you, and you sound like a very good mother and you're doing everything you can to hold yourself and everyone else together, but I am not sure that being with this man is a healthy thing for you or your kids.  It is scary to divorce, or leave a spouse, but sometimes you have no other choices.  He doesn't sound like he's trying to get any help for himself.  Would he be possibly up for counseling, or some type of a psychological evaluation?   I know it'd be hard to probably tell him you want him to get help, but it will probably only get worse.  And if you do not do anything about it, you will also go right down with him.  Please try to get some help for yourself and your kids.  I also lost my mom about 3 years ago, and she was my rock too.  I am also very lost without her, and my husband's left me, and I would just do anything to talk to her about it.  But she isn't here anymore, and so I guess it's time for me to stand on my own two feet.  Life is not easy.  That's for sure.  But it is what we make of it, right?   if we stand back and do nothing, nothing will happen.  If we stand tall, and do something for ourselves and our children when things need to be done, we end up with a better outcome, and our kids learn from the way we handle these things.  We teach them that we are strong.  No matter what it is.  Please try to get some help, you sound like you need it desperately, and it doesn't sound like a good situation that you're in at all,  Take care, we are here if you need anyone to talk to.   

During our 7 yrs, my husband has never connected w/ my 2 girls. They are good girls,Excellent students,no smoking,no drinking, they dont swear. Not perfect, but I am truly blessed. My girls and I are very close. Not once has my husband told them he is proud of them. He jumps at every opportunity to point out there faults(by his standards). It seems like everything is a battle w/ him when it comes to the girls. He kicked my older daughter out when she was 18. She didnt do anything wrong, except she did not have a "steady job". (she had just graduated HS). This broke my heart and a large part of me seemed to die that night she left. My 16 yr old is a typical teen.(its all about her)haha. Her and my husband do not communicate well. They refuse to listen to each other or talk and now she has decided to move in w/ her real Dad. I feel so alone and I am so tired of my husbands irratible nature. there is always something for him to be mad at and it is always someone elses fault. He wanted me to get the house keys from the girls and I told him "no". Wherever I am is where my girls home is. I should have stood up to him when he booted my oldest out. I guess I felt that at least she would be away from his irratibility. Part of me says to go yet another says to keep trying. How long does one try? How could he separate me from my girls knowing they are my everything? I feel like my happiness doesn't matter to him. Only what he wants. I could sure use some advice or words of wisdom.

I have learned so far that you cannot change someone else & especially if they are on a drug. Then they want to be in denial. And especially with pot. So many people want to act as if it something that should be legalized. That is just crazy!! I have done it when I was younger & before kids & when I did it caused me to do ridiculous things like wreck my car & pass out whereever I was at. I hated it!! One thing I so want to respond to though is when you said she says you are just not "cool" anymore. Having my 1st child made me realize that I needed to grow up which doesn't mean you can't have fun too. I just knew that now I was responsible for someone else's life besides just my own & I needed to come out of my teenage way of thinking. Doing drugs & having children & having children & then not doing everything you can with them is just flat out immature & irresponsible. My husband & I have 3 kids & sad as it is, I am still waiting for him to grow up & sometimes well no a lot of times think my children make better decisions then him. The other night I asked him to just take like 1 hour out of his night which was only going to consist of laying around & play some games with me & the kids. They were so excited & had even helped clean the house so he wouldn't say that we couldn't cause there was too much to do. So after hasseling with him he finally say down & maybe played for 15 min. I asked him why he even wanted them. There happiness means something too. I guess the only advice I would have would be to just be the best father you can be & do as much as you can for her & with her. Unfortunately you cannot take the place of her mother. I'm sure you would if you could. I feel like my husband & I came from two different worlds & more then anything I wish & I always pray that he would be the parent he should be but in the meantime I try to be the best parent I can be. I am far from where I would like to be but I know that I give my children time & treat them like people too & so far they are very successful, have God in their hearts & get wonderful grades. They are in 4-H & play baseball. They having very caring hearts as well. You can be so much to your daughter & have a positive influence even though her mother is not doing her part. She will see the difference in the two of you so show her a positive side of things. Happy to hear you love her so much!!

My husband is 46 years old and I am almost 62.  He accepted the difference in age from the beginning.  We are together 18 years and married 16.  Because of a past marriage, and because he never had it at home, my husband was not a very huggy, kissy person.  For the first 3 years of our marriage, I would chase him around telling him how much I loved him, with not too much response.  Then for the next 10 years I accepted things as they were.  We got along very well.  In September of 2003, we had a violent verbal arguement, it lasted 4 days.  I was the one who made up and he hung on to me like he was afraid I would ask him to go.  From them until February of 2004,  I wouldn't have wanted a better man.  All of the emotions were right there.  As first I attributed this to the medicine the doctor had given him for ED.  I'm not sure though.  Then for no reason in February he became totally different.  Verbally nasty and back to being no touch again.  From that time until the present he's become worse verbally and more distant.  There was a fire in the other half of our double home which displaced us for about 2 weeks, in which we lived with my daughter and her husband and children.  He seemed very uncomfortable with the children, as we have none of our own.  We got into a verbal argument and he went to his mother's.  Ever since that he's been in and out of my life, telling me about all the money I've spent, how I have to have my own way, every decision has been mine, so forth.  We have been in our own home since January.  Since Febraury 27th, he's been sleeping on the sofa and telling me he doesn't know what he wants anymore. He feels like he's going no where in life.  Last Sunday the 8th, he packed his clothes and moved to his mother's.  We do have phone conversations and have seen each other, but when I ask him what he doing, he tells me he has to decide what he wants to do with the rest of his life and he doesn't know how long that will take.  After 18 years to suddenly be alone, it's very hard for me.  People say he's going through a mid-life crisis, I don't know what to think.  Can someone help me?

I KNOW MY WIFE... SHE ISN'T GONNA BE WITH ME AT ALL IF KNEW I WAS UNFAITHFUL.. MY WIFE HAS NEVER BEEN CORRECTED OF HER WRONG DOIN EVER WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENS THAT SHE DO IS WRONG.. SHE DOESN'T WANT TO FACE THE TRUTH.. ALWAYS RUNNING AWAY.. AND HER PARENTS DOES A GOOD JOB IN BACKING HER UP... I DON'T WANT THE MARRIAGE TO WORK OUT CAUSE I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING IN THE BOOK AND YET SHE FELLS TO SEE THAT WHAT SHE'S DONE IS WRONG.. BUT I KNOW SHE FEELS IT... I'M DONE AND I WANNA DO WHAT'S RIGHT FOR MY KIDS... AND ABOUT ME BEING IN THE MILITARY HAS NOT A FACTOR OF ME HAVING CUSTODY OF MY BOYZ... HOW CAN SHE TELL ME WE CAN'T AFFORD TO HAVE A CHILD BUT CAN GO OUTSIDE AND HAVE ONE??? MY WIFE NEEDS TO BE MATURE AND STOP ACTING LIKE A BABY HIDING BEHIND HER WRONG DOING.. BUT THIS TIME SHE WILL FACE THE LIGHT... SHE IS 30 AND ACT LIKE SHE IS 16... SHE ALSO SAID THAT SINCE HER GRANDMOTHER DIDN'T TELL HER SHE WAS WRONG THAN SHE IS RIGHT... MY WIFE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT NO ONE BUT HERSELF AND THE CHILD.. SHE EVEN DIDN'T TELL THE DUDE SHE WAS MARRIED... I HAVE FORGIVEN HER AND I'M BEGINNGING TO FIND PEACE WITHIN MY HEART NOW... AND AS FAR AS SHE NOT HAVING ENOUGH MONEY, THAT'S ON HER I DIDN'T PUT HER IN THAT SITUATION.. SHE DID.. I ONLY DURING WHAT THE LAW SAYS I MUST DO NOW.. I DON'T SEE WHERE THERE WILL BE A PROBLEM MAINTAINING CUSTODY OF MY BOYZ WITH THE CONTRACT I HAVE WITH THE ARMY NOW AFTER MY LAST DEPLOYMENT...  I ONLY THING I'VE DONE IS LET MY WIFE HAVE HER WAY OVER EVERYTHING AND SPOILED HER ROTTEN BY GIVING HER THE BEST THING MONEY CAN BUY.. SHE HAS DONE NOTHING BUT TORMENTED ME OVER HERE.. BUT I'M GOOD.. I JUST WANT WHAT'S RIGHT FOR ME AND MY KIDS.. I NEVER WANTED MY KIDS TO HAVE A SECOND FATHER IN THERE LIFE AND SHE KNEW IT BASED ON HOW I GREW UP(ADOPTED).. AND NOW THIS.. MY KIDS DESERVE BETTER.. THE MONEY SHE WAS PAYING HER MOTHER TO BABYSIT TO GET HER FREAK ON SHOULD HAVE BEEN FOR MY BOYZ... HER MOTHER CHARGES HER FOR EVERYTHING WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO HER GRANDKIDS.. LIKE I SAID ALONG WITH THE GOOD COMES THE BAD... I DO PRAY FOR HER BUT MY MENTAL COUNSELOR SAYS IT'S NO HOPE FOR HER CAUSE SHE IS NEVER GONNA CHANGE.. WHICH I DO BELIEVE.. BEEN MARRIED FOR 9YRS.. AND NOW THIS... I CAN SEE THE LIGHT NOW OF MY NEW BEGINNING...

I left my husband just over a year ago.  I wanted him to appreciate me and stop critizing me. I wanted him to stop spending so much money also.  Leaving has gotten me in the middle of a divorce. Now what??? I've never really worked outside the home and I can barely make enough to make ends meet.  He thinks I left for someone else, I didn't.  He told me to get on with my life 3 months after I left, so I finally did. I started seeing the person he thinks I left him for.  I went to counseling and he wouldn't go.  He said he didn't want to hurt his girlfriends feelings, but said that he loved me.  I know he does but he can't get past the idea that "you left for someone else"  How do I convice him other wise and do I really want to?  We have 3 sons who are 22, 19, and 17 who have never known us to be anything but happily married.  I spent a lot of time covering up his faults as well as my own.  I just don't know how not to be married, I've been married for 25 years!  He gives me no money except for the little child support they ordered him to pay.  He told the court hearing officer that my son lived with him in our family home.  None of that was true.  My son lives with me and has only stayed with his dad 4 days out of 4 months.  Except for those 2 days my husband brought our son with him to spend the weelemd at the girlfriends house 3 hours away!  Try to feed a teenage boy who is 6'8" tall on $298 a month.  Almost impossible! 

What can I do to feel better about myself?  I'm so tired of feeling like this is all my fault.

First, I highly encourage you to go back to counseling by yourself. This is something for you to do just for yourself; you aren’t doing it so that your husband will come back to you, or so that you can ‘prove’ anything to him, you need to do this only for yourself. Through professional therapy, you will learn how to live your life not being married- you can receive guidance on how to raise your self-esteem, and how to find your true passion in life. (We all have one!) My advice to you is to find something that you like to do, a hobby or an activity, even just taking a ten-minute walk daily, and take time out of your day to enjoy that activity.

Your husband believes that you left him for someone else because he WANTS to believe that. He doesn’t want to believe he has any faults- there is nothing you can do or say that will ever convince him that you left for the reasons that you left. However, YOU know why you left. You didn’t feel appreciated; you were verbally and emotionally abused by him (the daily criticism) and he was an over-spender. You know in your heart that if you stayed despite all of that, you would not be happy. Yet, here you are, still not happy. You can’t go back to the way things were, though. He has a girlfriend and has moved on. You need to learn how to move on, too. Again, that is why I suggest going back to the professional therapist for help with that issue. Lastly, forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for allowing your husband to disrespect you for so long, and forgive yourself for not being stronger- you can be strong now, though. You only have control of your life in the present. I wish you the best- you really do deserve it.