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Topic : Divorce Support

Number of Replies: 4223
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:52 pm
Author : dataimport
Over half of all marriages end in divorce, but that doesn't make it any less painful for those going through it. Discuss your experience here.

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December 9, 2008, 7:45 pm CST

confused

My husband filed for divorce a month ago.  We have one 11 month old son.  I have him right now.  All my husband has done is filed and that is all.  He has not done anything else with it.  He told me that he doesn't want to get a divorce.  This is the 2nd time we have been split up in the 5 years we have been married.  We love each other very much.  I don't want this divorce at all.  I moved out and found an apt.  We talk everyday.  He said he wants to be married to me but he is scared that if we stay married we will end up in this position again down the road when we might have more kids, a house, and more savings.  I don't know what to do.  I tell him everyday I love him.  Anyone have any suggestions???

 
December 11, 2008, 11:57 am CST

???

Quote From: kellhamm

My husband filed for divorce a month ago.  We have one 11 month old son.  I have him right now.  All my husband has done is filed and that is all.  He has not done anything else with it.  He told me that he doesn't want to get a divorce.  This is the 2nd time we have been split up in the 5 years we have been married.  We love each other very much.  I don't want this divorce at all.  I moved out and found an apt.  We talk everyday.  He said he wants to be married to me but he is scared that if we stay married we will end up in this position again down the road when we might have more kids, a house, and more savings.  I don't know what to do.  I tell him everyday I love him.  Anyone have any suggestions???

Your post is vague and general, so all I can offer is marriage counseling, sorry. I have made some assumptions given the little you related, but I know that assumptions get you into trouble.

 

Your post brings up these questions, which would give direction to answers:

 

What was the reason given for your husband to file for divorce? In your opinion, is this really why, or is there more to the story?

Why do you think he would file for divorce if he really doesn't intend to go through with it, and says he doesn't want to divorce?

Why did you split up the last time, and what came of it?

If you don't want  a divorce, why did you move out?

Why, do you think, is he bringing possessions and money into the issue?

 
December 12, 2008, 3:52 pm CST

What Should I do

I have been separated from my husband for almost two years (will be 2/1/09). He was the one who wanted the separation. We attempted marriage counseling if you can call it that ( went to one session then he came up with excuses so we never continued) My stand is I didn't want the separation or divorce so I am waiting for him to file. He is seeing someone, someone that I found out he was seeing while we were together. I have chosen not to see anyone due to my Christian background. The problem is this. He recently told my 13 year old he was going on  a vacation with this woman. My daughter is very upset with him because he had promised her last year a trip to see family and friends, but told her this year she couldn't go because he didn't have any money. He is constantly saying he is broke but has a 6 figured income. He visits my daughter twice during the week, one of which she stays at his house. She hates going over to his his place but I try to encourage her to do so. She is really resenting him and even though I am constantly telling her she shouldn't she doesn't care because she feels he doesn't care about her. At this point I don't know what to do, Should I tell him my concerns because I told my daughter she should talk to him but she feels he will make her feel worse than she does.

 
December 13, 2008, 9:00 am CST

Goals and outcomes

Quote From: taiadriver

I have been separated from my husband for almost two years (will be 2/1/09). He was the one who wanted the separation. We attempted marriage counseling if you can call it that ( went to one session then he came up with excuses so we never continued) My stand is I didn't want the separation or divorce so I am waiting for him to file. He is seeing someone, someone that I found out he was seeing while we were together. I have chosen not to see anyone due to my Christian background. The problem is this. He recently told my 13 year old he was going on  a vacation with this woman. My daughter is very upset with him because he had promised her last year a trip to see family and friends, but told her this year she couldn't go because he didn't have any money. He is constantly saying he is broke but has a 6 figured income. He visits my daughter twice during the week, one of which she stays at his house. She hates going over to his his place but I try to encourage her to do so. She is really resenting him and even though I am constantly telling her she shouldn't she doesn't care because she feels he doesn't care about her. At this point I don't know what to do, Should I tell him my concerns because I told my daughter she should talk to him but she feels he will make her feel worse than she does.

I think you should come to grips with your situation and examine it with a very detached and objective mind.

You have been separated for almost  2 years, your husband is openly seeing another woman and obviously putting that relationship above the one with you and the one with his daughter.

Putting your Christian beliefs aside, why are you hanging on to the marriage? Are you hoping that he will eventually come back? Objectively, how likely is that? If he did, what sort of life would you have together? Could you ever trust him enough to be vulnerable and give him your heart again? Is your inertia motivated by resentment and a wish to keep them from marrying because he is already married to you?

How likely is it that you will find happiness and peace in this sort of situation?

 

Now, as to your daughter, it is apparent that you want her to have a good relationship with her father. I applaud you for this, but it's not something you have any control over whatsoever. Telling her to spend time with her father and making her go to him when she doesn't want to is more likely to make her resent YOU more than him. At 13 years old, she is pretty capable of seeing what is going on and making judgments about it.

You cannot MAKE her love, respect, and admire her father. Only he can do that. He broke a promise to her, there's nothing you can do to make that up to her. You can, however, be there to listen to her when she needs to voice her disappointment and hurt. You can understand her confusion about the whole limbo she's in when she needs to spill.

 

What I would suggest is for you to look at your life with a critical eye, make some goals for achieving what you need and desire your life to be like given the circumstances, and begin behaving in ways that get you there. Things will become a whole lot less confusing and frustrating to your daughter if she knows and understands where you are going, because her life depends on what you do.

 
December 15, 2008, 4:27 pm CST

Thanks

Quote From: ritehere

I think you should come to grips with your situation and examine it with a very detached and objective mind.

You have been separated for almost  2 years, your husband is openly seeing another woman and obviously putting that relationship above the one with you and the one with his daughter.

Putting your Christian beliefs aside, why are you hanging on to the marriage? Are you hoping that he will eventually come back? Objectively, how likely is that? If he did, what sort of life would you have together? Could you ever trust him enough to be vulnerable and give him your heart again? Is your inertia motivated by resentment and a wish to keep them from marrying because he is already married to you?

How likely is it that you will find happiness and peace in this sort of situation?

 

Now, as to your daughter, it is apparent that you want her to have a good relationship with her father. I applaud you for this, but it's not something you have any control over whatsoever. Telling her to spend time with her father and making her go to him when she doesn't want to is more likely to make her resent YOU more than him. At 13 years old, she is pretty capable of seeing what is going on and making judgments about it.

You cannot MAKE her love, respect, and admire her father. Only he can do that. He broke a promise to her, there's nothing you can do to make that up to her. You can, however, be there to listen to her when she needs to voice her disappointment and hurt. You can understand her confusion about the whole limbo she's in when she needs to spill.

 

What I would suggest is for you to look at your life with a critical eye, make some goals for achieving what you need and desire your life to be like given the circumstances, and begin behaving in ways that get you there. Things will become a whole lot less confusing and frustrating to your daughter if she knows and understands where you are going, because her life depends on what you do.

I appreciate your advice. I have taken what you said to heart and I am making goals for myself. I am seriously thinking about relocating. All my life I have made decisions to please other people and it is time now to please me. I have taken a serious look at this situation and I know I have to move on. My daughter did tell her father her feelings about the situation. He told her that this woman is just a friend and the trip is just to see if they can have a relationship together and he hasn't had her meet the woman because it may not  workout. I think that was a bad message to send to my daughter. But like you said she can see it for what it is.
 
December 30, 2008, 3:11 am CST

What to do with him?

In as brief as possible, 42 , him 57, his kids 32, 21, 19, mine 25, ours 15, 8, 7. Married 17 years. No lie they were great years, made it through some very rough stuff (custody battles with his certifiable ex, infant passing, followed by his brother, mother and father in 4 years time, his currently 19 year olds drug addiction). No matter what came our way, after the storm we came out smiling. I am not saying there were not battles, probably a few for the record books, but never overshadowed our lives until.......

Me, the strong one, the peace maker, the problem solver, broke her neck. Knowing him as well as I do I can say that yes he tried to be there as best he knew how. It was hard as hell on him to watch me go through what I did.

So the "neck" took its toll on me. Two years later and a death wish, not joking on that one. I went to the desert for a week to see a holistic and get off all the pain meds. One week later he shows up and he is amazed, I was walking for the first time! Yeah me! No meds and my mind was clearing. Then he went nutty. I had to take the meds he told me or the drive home would hurt. We argued almost the whole way home, I wanted to feel pain it was better than the methadone they were giving me.

But when I hurt he would look so injured inside, tears would well up in his eyes. After a while I did medicate his pain, I would take meds when he was around me. Dumb! That depressed me, I got mad, got sad, got angry and it cycled. Got back to the whole death wish place again. Told him to get out. He begged. I yelled. July he finally gave me my peace.

So on to my "question" on Christmas day as he was leaving to go back to his house we talked for a bit. I said the whole "divorce or what" and he said no. I replied with I heard that 3 weeks ago. He said he would like to start talking and wants to work things out so he will call and we will get together for coffee or whatever. I said it is either you are in this 150% or lets just not do this at all, he said he was in. We just started communicating this month.

Being a typical woman I want to say "I should be important enough for him to set something up now". But on the other hand he is a "runner". He has a bit of an issue when it comes to "stepping up to the plate". The easiest way I have found to explain it to other women (men excuse this one) is:

"When my husband was born his testicles didn't descend. When the doctors did surgery they didn't find any so they inserted cotton balls instead"

So knowing he still loves me and I him, yes the I am in love with you kind. Knowing he does not want a divorce and either do I. But knowing that I am no longer wanting a husband who lives 3 minutes away, I want to start working on things or start working through the pain of letting go.

He says he "likes doing nothing". That is what he does when life is hard.

Do I trust what he said and give him more time to call or not? Do I call him, even though I said I wouldn't ask again?

Advice please....
 
December 31, 2008, 8:54 am CST

Be kind, be forgiving

Quote From: onescarymom

In as brief as possible, 42 , him 57, his kids 32, 21, 19, mine 25, ours 15, 8, 7. Married 17 years. No lie they were great years, made it through some very rough stuff (custody battles with his certifiable ex, infant passing, followed by his brother, mother and father in 4 years time, his currently 19 year olds drug addiction). No matter what came our way, after the storm we came out smiling. I am not saying there were not battles, probably a few for the record books, but never overshadowed our lives until.......

Me, the strong one, the peace maker, the problem solver, broke her neck. Knowing him as well as I do I can say that yes he tried to be there as best he knew how. It was hard as hell on him to watch me go through what I did.

So the "neck" took its toll on me. Two years later and a death wish, not joking on that one. I went to the desert for a week to see a holistic and get off all the pain meds. One week later he shows up and he is amazed, I was walking for the first time! Yeah me! No meds and my mind was clearing. Then he went nutty. I had to take the meds he told me or the drive home would hurt. We argued almost the whole way home, I wanted to feel pain it was better than the methadone they were giving me.

But when I hurt he would look so injured inside, tears would well up in his eyes. After a while I did medicate his pain, I would take meds when he was around me. Dumb! That depressed me, I got mad, got sad, got angry and it cycled. Got back to the whole death wish place again. Told him to get out. He begged. I yelled. July he finally gave me my peace.

So on to my "question" on Christmas day as he was leaving to go back to his house we talked for a bit. I said the whole "divorce or what" and he said no. I replied with I heard that 3 weeks ago. He said he would like to start talking and wants to work things out so he will call and we will get together for coffee or whatever. I said it is either you are in this 150% or lets just not do this at all, he said he was in. We just started communicating this month.

Being a typical woman I want to say "I should be important enough for him to set something up now". But on the other hand he is a "runner". He has a bit of an issue when it comes to "stepping up to the plate". The easiest way I have found to explain it to other women (men excuse this one) is:

"When my husband was born his testicles didn't descend. When the doctors did surgery they didn't find any so they inserted cotton balls instead"

So knowing he still loves me and I him, yes the I am in love with you kind. Knowing he does not want a divorce and either do I. But knowing that I am no longer wanting a husband who lives 3 minutes away, I want to start working on things or start working through the pain of letting go.

He says he "likes doing nothing". That is what he does when life is hard.

Do I trust what he said and give him more time to call or not? Do I call him, even though I said I wouldn't ask again?

Advice please....

It seems to me that you both need some insight into your own communication skills. For instance, you say that this all started when you broke your neck. You were ready to throw off the pain and get back to life, but he was reluctant. You said that you preferred a bit of pain to the methadone, but he couldn't bear to see you in pain. You, in turn, couldn't bear to see his reaction to your pain, so you would take the pain meds while around him, and then feel that you had betrayed yourself. You both resent each other's actions, when they are so similar. You both feel that the other doesn't love enough, or understand enough. That the other is wrong.

 

And so you argue about who is insensitive to who....

 

Don't see your husband's actions as a weakness, view them as a fear of seeing you suffer, a fear born out of his love for you. When you make this change in your belief, you will be more forgiving of the way he has been acting, and you will take steps to move in a direction that enlists his help in other ways to alleviate your suffering that don't involve medicating you. Involve him in your physical therapy, or your imagery, or whatever you have learned.

He only wants to be included. It's possible that he feels you have moved on to a level that he cannot follow or accompany you anymore. Reassure him that you have not left him behind. 

 
January 15, 2009, 3:55 pm CST

How can I cave my marriage?

    If there is anyone that could possibly help it is people that have gone through with seperation.

My name is Kenneth R Shipman I am twenty eight years old i have been married for 9 years and do not want to give up ever. Everyone is telling me to just let my wife go I simply cannot. We have two beautiful children and are going through with seperation. She has said in order for her to forgive me for what I have done we must go through with the divorce. When i first filed for the divorce i wanted to give up because all she was doing was minipulating me I never meant to say do the horrible things i have done to her. I just want restitution not for us but for our children. I recently dropped the divorce i filed for because i realised how much I loved her. Especially when two weeks in the divorce she said we can still be friends with benefits and have had sex twice i was so confused to the point that i have lost complete control. I am better now and am seeking professoinal advice. I know with the advice of everyone that loves their wifes and are willing to help save their marriages i can save ours too.

 
January 15, 2009, 5:18 pm CST

Let her be

Quote From: kenshipman28

    If there is anyone that could possibly help it is people that have gone through with seperation.

My name is Kenneth R Shipman I am twenty eight years old i have been married for 9 years and do not want to give up ever. Everyone is telling me to just let my wife go I simply cannot. We have two beautiful children and are going through with seperation. She has said in order for her to forgive me for what I have done we must go through with the divorce. When i first filed for the divorce i wanted to give up because all she was doing was minipulating me I never meant to say do the horrible things i have done to her. I just want restitution not for us but for our children. I recently dropped the divorce i filed for because i realised how much I loved her. Especially when two weeks in the divorce she said we can still be friends with benefits and have had sex twice i was so confused to the point that i have lost complete control. I am better now and am seeking professoinal advice. I know with the advice of everyone that loves their wifes and are willing to help save their marriages i can save ours too.

Hi Ken,

 

I'm going to tell you what worked for me when my husband left me and filed for divorce.  (This may not work for you).  Like you I went to therapy to help me cope, he went on his own as well.  I tried the begging, pleading and crying and that just seemed to make him run further away.  So I decided to do the opposite of what I really wanted to do.  I stopped calling him, emailing him,  stopped taking his calls  etc. - cut off all contact and had him stick to the agreed upon schedule with the kids.  I wanted him to miss me so I made myself unavailable to him. After 2 months he saw that I was not at his beckoning call and that got him nervous! 

You don't state exactly why she wants a divorce but if you are still acting like a married couple, emotionally and physically, then what's to stop her from divorcing you?  Stop all unnecessary contact, pay your child support, stick to your set visitation, support your children emotionally,  stay in therapy and start to heal.  Being friends right now won't work.  It gives you hope and leaves you hanging on by a string waiting for her to call the next shot with your life.  If she wants a separation than give her just that because what you're doing now certainly isn't working.  Work on yourself and stay focused on you and the kids.  You don't have any control over what she chooses to do with her life but you do have control over yours. 

 
January 15, 2009, 7:59 pm CST

That sounds like a great plan!

Quote From: daisybull

Hi Ken,

 

I'm going to tell you what worked for me when my husband left me and filed for divorce.  (This may not work for you).  Like you I went to therapy to help me cope, he went on his own as well.  I tried the begging, pleading and crying and that just seemed to make him run further away.  So I decided to do the opposite of what I really wanted to do.  I stopped calling him, emailing him,  stopped taking his calls  etc. - cut off all contact and had him stick to the agreed upon schedule with the kids.  I wanted him to miss me so I made myself unavailable to him. After 2 months he saw that I was not at his beckoning call and that got him nervous! 

You don't state exactly why she wants a divorce but if you are still acting like a married couple, emotionally and physically, then what's to stop her from divorcing you?  Stop all unnecessary contact, pay your child support, stick to your set visitation, support your children emotionally,  stay in therapy and start to heal.  Being friends right now won't work.  It gives you hope and leaves you hanging on by a string waiting for her to call the next shot with your life.  If she wants a separation than give her just that because what you're doing now certainly isn't working.  Work on yourself and stay focused on you and the kids.  You don't have any control over what she chooses to do with her life but you do have control over yours. 

  I really like that plan, it would be really hard for me, because I have to see her every day because she drops off the kids every morning for school. She also works two blocks from my house. She wants the divorce because she explains that in order for her to forgive me and to be just friends I had to go through with mine. So i said when we both decided to have sex for the second time in the first filing that i filed. She tells me that we can still be friends with benefits.That hurt me as well as all the other hurt that i caused her. I also said why a divorce if we are going to be all that then why do we not get some professional help.  I just did not want to get used. I listened to my counseler because he said that i have every right to fight for my marriage and i made the first step i dropped it. It has been a very disturbing struggle on me because after i  asked for the divorce my mother died and i am the one who gave up in the first place but i realised how sorry i was. I have almost lost everything because of this i just wanted restitution. So i took measures i have asked her if we could talk to a marriage counseler some where down the line and maybe together to try and start being friends again and she has agreed on that ; that is all i wanted to be friends again not for me and not for her but for us and our children. Furthermore I can try the advised plan that you have offered me again but i cannot not even keep her out of my dreams let alone stop all contact from her. In part I really do not know what to do because she is already talking to someone else she is letting people she really barely knows twist her mind her friend got me fired from my job because she was my boss and she told the owner of the motel everything that was going on in our lives i am so confused right now that i do not know what else to do I just wanted her to give me that hug i was laking. If you think that it would still work please reply to this. Again thanks for the advice i will consider it i just hope it is not to late.

 
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