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Topic : Divorce Support

Number of Replies: 4225
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:52 pm
Author : dataimport
Over half of all marriages end in divorce, but that doesn't make it any less painful for those going through it. Discuss your experience here.

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December 1, 2008, 11:22 am CST

welcome!!!

Quote From: amyefsing

Their is no one else in my life.....I just finally got to the point I could no longer tolerate his ego driven self.  He is a very good musician and teaches and is a director of a local theatre.  That has been all consuming for him the entire 31 years. I have always told people that I was the mistress to his Music.  I would complain over and over and yet he kept his life just like he likes it.  I sent him an email 6 years ago about the "Walk-Away Wife Syndrome" and told him that was me.  Talking in person was not an option.  He can be a bully and since I came from an abusive father circumstances, I coward down when ever he gets in that bully stance. 

 

Anyway, I wrote him this summer and told him that I was done and gave him reasons why and "Eureka" he sees the light and told me that my marriage emails were never taken seriously by him because I never said " I am leaving"....like now.  He thinks if he improves everything on the list, I will be happy and want to stay.  Not true, my heart is cold. Frozen. I have turned off this marriage's switch.  Has anyone had any success changing the frozen heart.  I am not numb. I am highly aware of what I am doing and it feels freeing.  I just want someone to tell me if this can be reversed. One last time.....

 

I also don't know what the first steps of divorce are.  I have an appt for my atty.  I am on full disability and he makes 3 times as much as I will when divorced.  I have MS.  What can I expect as far as division of debt or support?  I really dont want ailimony(guilt calling), I just want the debt weighted by each of our separate yearly income.  I am much stronger right now and highly aware that it will be tough, but need to do this for my own survival.

 

Also the mortgage company devalued our house by 50,000 because of lower housing values in our area.  We now owe more than its worth.   How do we handle the house.  NO houses are selling and giving it back to bank is not something I want to do, but will consider.  What are the ramifications?  Property Taxes?

 

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Okay; Let me ask you a question? You spent  31 years like this and you are asking if you should

give him another chance?

Trust me. they dont change unless there is tons of work he wants to do.. I was married to someone

like this.We are divorced. He didnt change no matter how much work he did.

You have MS. There is strong link between the mind and the body. Look into Carolyn Myss's books.

She talks about  the correlation between  mind and body and how when living in a bad place could

make you physically ill. Check that out.

Do you want to become more sick? Its not worth it. Men like t his are not worth it.

Seek counseling and support groups and get OUT of there.

You are doing well in seeking an attorney. See what they say and sue your hubby for whatever you are

entitled to and it s hould be good. Is y our state a 50/50 state; equitable distribution or community

property. There are laws you have to abide by. Guilt about alimony.Throw away the guilt and get

what you deserve and what you are entitled to. PLEASE do it.

If you have to stay in he house with him get your own room and live your own life until the house can

be sold or he can leave or you can leave or whatever is best for you.

Look out for yourself. He never looked out for you did he?

He could be big time passive aggressive or have what is called narcisstic personality disorder.

Read up on those conditions and use it to educate yourself against bullies like this.

Armor yourself with knowledge and move forward to a happier and healthier life .

Good Luck

 
December 1, 2008, 9:27 pm CST

Divorce Support

Quote From: lifeisajourney

Okay; Let me ask you a question? You spent  31 years like this and you are asking if you should

give him another chance?

Trust me. they dont change unless there is tons of work he wants to do.. I was married to someone

like this.We are divorced. He didnt change no matter how much work he did.

You have MS. There is strong link between the mind and the body. Look into Carolyn Myss's books.

She talks about  the correlation between  mind and body and how when living in a bad place could

make you physically ill. Check that out.

Do you want to become more sick? Its not worth it. Men like t his are not worth it.

Seek counseling and support groups and get OUT of there.

You are doing well in seeking an attorney. See what they say and sue your hubby for whatever you are

entitled to and it s hould be good. Is y our state a 50/50 state; equitable distribution or community

property. There are laws you have to abide by. Guilt about alimony.Throw away the guilt and get

what you deserve and what you are entitled to. PLEASE do it.

If you have to stay in he house with him get your own room and live your own life until the house can

be sold or he can leave or you can leave or whatever is best for you.

Look out for yourself. He never looked out for you did he?

He could be big time passive aggressive or have what is called narcisstic personality disorder.

Read up on those conditions and use it to educate yourself against bullies like this.

Armor yourself with knowledge and move forward to a happier and healthier life .

Good Luck

Thank you so much for your reply and good advice.  I have read Carolyn Myss and am seeing a medical intuitive next week.  Since I made the decision to pull away and focus on me my health has improved dramatically.  No I am not cured, but I am doing well.

 

We are currently living in separate rooms of our house, but he still thinks he has control of my life. NOT.

 

He is in therapy, but he as major amount of work.  Work that I did over the past 20 years of my life, he is now starting. I was told by a shrink when we did marriage counselling 20 years ago that hubby would never get it.

 

My state is Ohio.   Thats an equitable division state.  Thats what has me worried about our debt.  I want it porportional to our incomes.

 
December 9, 2008, 7:45 pm CST

confused

My husband filed for divorce a month ago.  We have one 11 month old son.  I have him right now.  All my husband has done is filed and that is all.  He has not done anything else with it.  He told me that he doesn't want to get a divorce.  This is the 2nd time we have been split up in the 5 years we have been married.  We love each other very much.  I don't want this divorce at all.  I moved out and found an apt.  We talk everyday.  He said he wants to be married to me but he is scared that if we stay married we will end up in this position again down the road when we might have more kids, a house, and more savings.  I don't know what to do.  I tell him everyday I love him.  Anyone have any suggestions???

 
December 11, 2008, 11:57 am CST

???

Quote From: kellhamm

My husband filed for divorce a month ago.  We have one 11 month old son.  I have him right now.  All my husband has done is filed and that is all.  He has not done anything else with it.  He told me that he doesn't want to get a divorce.  This is the 2nd time we have been split up in the 5 years we have been married.  We love each other very much.  I don't want this divorce at all.  I moved out and found an apt.  We talk everyday.  He said he wants to be married to me but he is scared that if we stay married we will end up in this position again down the road when we might have more kids, a house, and more savings.  I don't know what to do.  I tell him everyday I love him.  Anyone have any suggestions???

Your post is vague and general, so all I can offer is marriage counseling, sorry. I have made some assumptions given the little you related, but I know that assumptions get you into trouble.

 

Your post brings up these questions, which would give direction to answers:

 

What was the reason given for your husband to file for divorce? In your opinion, is this really why, or is there more to the story?

Why do you think he would file for divorce if he really doesn't intend to go through with it, and says he doesn't want to divorce?

Why did you split up the last time, and what came of it?

If you don't want  a divorce, why did you move out?

Why, do you think, is he bringing possessions and money into the issue?

 
December 12, 2008, 3:52 pm CST

What Should I do

I have been separated from my husband for almost two years (will be 2/1/09). He was the one who wanted the separation. We attempted marriage counseling if you can call it that ( went to one session then he came up with excuses so we never continued) My stand is I didn't want the separation or divorce so I am waiting for him to file. He is seeing someone, someone that I found out he was seeing while we were together. I have chosen not to see anyone due to my Christian background. The problem is this. He recently told my 13 year old he was going on  a vacation with this woman. My daughter is very upset with him because he had promised her last year a trip to see family and friends, but told her this year she couldn't go because he didn't have any money. He is constantly saying he is broke but has a 6 figured income. He visits my daughter twice during the week, one of which she stays at his house. She hates going over to his his place but I try to encourage her to do so. She is really resenting him and even though I am constantly telling her she shouldn't she doesn't care because she feels he doesn't care about her. At this point I don't know what to do, Should I tell him my concerns because I told my daughter she should talk to him but she feels he will make her feel worse than she does.

 
December 13, 2008, 9:00 am CST

Goals and outcomes

Quote From: taiadriver

I have been separated from my husband for almost two years (will be 2/1/09). He was the one who wanted the separation. We attempted marriage counseling if you can call it that ( went to one session then he came up with excuses so we never continued) My stand is I didn't want the separation or divorce so I am waiting for him to file. He is seeing someone, someone that I found out he was seeing while we were together. I have chosen not to see anyone due to my Christian background. The problem is this. He recently told my 13 year old he was going on  a vacation with this woman. My daughter is very upset with him because he had promised her last year a trip to see family and friends, but told her this year she couldn't go because he didn't have any money. He is constantly saying he is broke but has a 6 figured income. He visits my daughter twice during the week, one of which she stays at his house. She hates going over to his his place but I try to encourage her to do so. She is really resenting him and even though I am constantly telling her she shouldn't she doesn't care because she feels he doesn't care about her. At this point I don't know what to do, Should I tell him my concerns because I told my daughter she should talk to him but she feels he will make her feel worse than she does.

I think you should come to grips with your situation and examine it with a very detached and objective mind.

You have been separated for almost  2 years, your husband is openly seeing another woman and obviously putting that relationship above the one with you and the one with his daughter.

Putting your Christian beliefs aside, why are you hanging on to the marriage? Are you hoping that he will eventually come back? Objectively, how likely is that? If he did, what sort of life would you have together? Could you ever trust him enough to be vulnerable and give him your heart again? Is your inertia motivated by resentment and a wish to keep them from marrying because he is already married to you?

How likely is it that you will find happiness and peace in this sort of situation?

 

Now, as to your daughter, it is apparent that you want her to have a good relationship with her father. I applaud you for this, but it's not something you have any control over whatsoever. Telling her to spend time with her father and making her go to him when she doesn't want to is more likely to make her resent YOU more than him. At 13 years old, she is pretty capable of seeing what is going on and making judgments about it.

You cannot MAKE her love, respect, and admire her father. Only he can do that. He broke a promise to her, there's nothing you can do to make that up to her. You can, however, be there to listen to her when she needs to voice her disappointment and hurt. You can understand her confusion about the whole limbo she's in when she needs to spill.

 

What I would suggest is for you to look at your life with a critical eye, make some goals for achieving what you need and desire your life to be like given the circumstances, and begin behaving in ways that get you there. Things will become a whole lot less confusing and frustrating to your daughter if she knows and understands where you are going, because her life depends on what you do.

 
December 15, 2008, 4:27 pm CST

Thanks

Quote From: ritehere

I think you should come to grips with your situation and examine it with a very detached and objective mind.

You have been separated for almost  2 years, your husband is openly seeing another woman and obviously putting that relationship above the one with you and the one with his daughter.

Putting your Christian beliefs aside, why are you hanging on to the marriage? Are you hoping that he will eventually come back? Objectively, how likely is that? If he did, what sort of life would you have together? Could you ever trust him enough to be vulnerable and give him your heart again? Is your inertia motivated by resentment and a wish to keep them from marrying because he is already married to you?

How likely is it that you will find happiness and peace in this sort of situation?

 

Now, as to your daughter, it is apparent that you want her to have a good relationship with her father. I applaud you for this, but it's not something you have any control over whatsoever. Telling her to spend time with her father and making her go to him when she doesn't want to is more likely to make her resent YOU more than him. At 13 years old, she is pretty capable of seeing what is going on and making judgments about it.

You cannot MAKE her love, respect, and admire her father. Only he can do that. He broke a promise to her, there's nothing you can do to make that up to her. You can, however, be there to listen to her when she needs to voice her disappointment and hurt. You can understand her confusion about the whole limbo she's in when she needs to spill.

 

What I would suggest is for you to look at your life with a critical eye, make some goals for achieving what you need and desire your life to be like given the circumstances, and begin behaving in ways that get you there. Things will become a whole lot less confusing and frustrating to your daughter if she knows and understands where you are going, because her life depends on what you do.

I appreciate your advice. I have taken what you said to heart and I am making goals for myself. I am seriously thinking about relocating. All my life I have made decisions to please other people and it is time now to please me. I have taken a serious look at this situation and I know I have to move on. My daughter did tell her father her feelings about the situation. He told her that this woman is just a friend and the trip is just to see if they can have a relationship together and he hasn't had her meet the woman because it may not  workout. I think that was a bad message to send to my daughter. But like you said she can see it for what it is.
 
December 30, 2008, 3:11 am CST

What to do with him?

In as brief as possible, 42 , him 57, his kids 32, 21, 19, mine 25, ours 15, 8, 7. Married 17 years. No lie they were great years, made it through some very rough stuff (custody battles with his certifiable ex, infant passing, followed by his brother, mother and father in 4 years time, his currently 19 year olds drug addiction). No matter what came our way, after the storm we came out smiling. I am not saying there were not battles, probably a few for the record books, but never overshadowed our lives until.......

Me, the strong one, the peace maker, the problem solver, broke her neck. Knowing him as well as I do I can say that yes he tried to be there as best he knew how. It was hard as hell on him to watch me go through what I did.

So the "neck" took its toll on me. Two years later and a death wish, not joking on that one. I went to the desert for a week to see a holistic and get off all the pain meds. One week later he shows up and he is amazed, I was walking for the first time! Yeah me! No meds and my mind was clearing. Then he went nutty. I had to take the meds he told me or the drive home would hurt. We argued almost the whole way home, I wanted to feel pain it was better than the methadone they were giving me.

But when I hurt he would look so injured inside, tears would well up in his eyes. After a while I did medicate his pain, I would take meds when he was around me. Dumb! That depressed me, I got mad, got sad, got angry and it cycled. Got back to the whole death wish place again. Told him to get out. He begged. I yelled. July he finally gave me my peace.

So on to my "question" on Christmas day as he was leaving to go back to his house we talked for a bit. I said the whole "divorce or what" and he said no. I replied with I heard that 3 weeks ago. He said he would like to start talking and wants to work things out so he will call and we will get together for coffee or whatever. I said it is either you are in this 150% or lets just not do this at all, he said he was in. We just started communicating this month.

Being a typical woman I want to say "I should be important enough for him to set something up now". But on the other hand he is a "runner". He has a bit of an issue when it comes to "stepping up to the plate". The easiest way I have found to explain it to other women (men excuse this one) is:

"When my husband was born his testicles didn't descend. When the doctors did surgery they didn't find any so they inserted cotton balls instead"

So knowing he still loves me and I him, yes the I am in love with you kind. Knowing he does not want a divorce and either do I. But knowing that I am no longer wanting a husband who lives 3 minutes away, I want to start working on things or start working through the pain of letting go.

He says he "likes doing nothing". That is what he does when life is hard.

Do I trust what he said and give him more time to call or not? Do I call him, even though I said I wouldn't ask again?

Advice please....
 
December 31, 2008, 8:54 am CST

Be kind, be forgiving

Quote From: onescarymom

In as brief as possible, 42 , him 57, his kids 32, 21, 19, mine 25, ours 15, 8, 7. Married 17 years. No lie they were great years, made it through some very rough stuff (custody battles with his certifiable ex, infant passing, followed by his brother, mother and father in 4 years time, his currently 19 year olds drug addiction). No matter what came our way, after the storm we came out smiling. I am not saying there were not battles, probably a few for the record books, but never overshadowed our lives until.......

Me, the strong one, the peace maker, the problem solver, broke her neck. Knowing him as well as I do I can say that yes he tried to be there as best he knew how. It was hard as hell on him to watch me go through what I did.

So the "neck" took its toll on me. Two years later and a death wish, not joking on that one. I went to the desert for a week to see a holistic and get off all the pain meds. One week later he shows up and he is amazed, I was walking for the first time! Yeah me! No meds and my mind was clearing. Then he went nutty. I had to take the meds he told me or the drive home would hurt. We argued almost the whole way home, I wanted to feel pain it was better than the methadone they were giving me.

But when I hurt he would look so injured inside, tears would well up in his eyes. After a while I did medicate his pain, I would take meds when he was around me. Dumb! That depressed me, I got mad, got sad, got angry and it cycled. Got back to the whole death wish place again. Told him to get out. He begged. I yelled. July he finally gave me my peace.

So on to my "question" on Christmas day as he was leaving to go back to his house we talked for a bit. I said the whole "divorce or what" and he said no. I replied with I heard that 3 weeks ago. He said he would like to start talking and wants to work things out so he will call and we will get together for coffee or whatever. I said it is either you are in this 150% or lets just not do this at all, he said he was in. We just started communicating this month.

Being a typical woman I want to say "I should be important enough for him to set something up now". But on the other hand he is a "runner". He has a bit of an issue when it comes to "stepping up to the plate". The easiest way I have found to explain it to other women (men excuse this one) is:

"When my husband was born his testicles didn't descend. When the doctors did surgery they didn't find any so they inserted cotton balls instead"

So knowing he still loves me and I him, yes the I am in love with you kind. Knowing he does not want a divorce and either do I. But knowing that I am no longer wanting a husband who lives 3 minutes away, I want to start working on things or start working through the pain of letting go.

He says he "likes doing nothing". That is what he does when life is hard.

Do I trust what he said and give him more time to call or not? Do I call him, even though I said I wouldn't ask again?

Advice please....

It seems to me that you both need some insight into your own communication skills. For instance, you say that this all started when you broke your neck. You were ready to throw off the pain and get back to life, but he was reluctant. You said that you preferred a bit of pain to the methadone, but he couldn't bear to see you in pain. You, in turn, couldn't bear to see his reaction to your pain, so you would take the pain meds while around him, and then feel that you had betrayed yourself. You both resent each other's actions, when they are so similar. You both feel that the other doesn't love enough, or understand enough. That the other is wrong.

 

And so you argue about who is insensitive to who....

 

Don't see your husband's actions as a weakness, view them as a fear of seeing you suffer, a fear born out of his love for you. When you make this change in your belief, you will be more forgiving of the way he has been acting, and you will take steps to move in a direction that enlists his help in other ways to alleviate your suffering that don't involve medicating you. Involve him in your physical therapy, or your imagery, or whatever you have learned.

He only wants to be included. It's possible that he feels you have moved on to a level that he cannot follow or accompany you anymore. Reassure him that you have not left him behind. 

 
January 15, 2009, 3:55 pm CST

How can I cave my marriage?

    If there is anyone that could possibly help it is people that have gone through with seperation.

My name is Kenneth R Shipman I am twenty eight years old i have been married for 9 years and do not want to give up ever. Everyone is telling me to just let my wife go I simply cannot. We have two beautiful children and are going through with seperation. She has said in order for her to forgive me for what I have done we must go through with the divorce. When i first filed for the divorce i wanted to give up because all she was doing was minipulating me I never meant to say do the horrible things i have done to her. I just want restitution not for us but for our children. I recently dropped the divorce i filed for because i realised how much I loved her. Especially when two weeks in the divorce she said we can still be friends with benefits and have had sex twice i was so confused to the point that i have lost complete control. I am better now and am seeking professoinal advice. I know with the advice of everyone that loves their wifes and are willing to help save their marriages i can save ours too.

 
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