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Topic : Divorce Support

Number of Replies: 4225
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:52 pm
Author : dataimport
Over half of all marriages end in divorce, but that doesn't make it any less painful for those going through it. Discuss your experience here.

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January 15, 2009, 5:18 pm CST

Let her be

Quote From: kenshipman28

    If there is anyone that could possibly help it is people that have gone through with seperation.

My name is Kenneth R Shipman I am twenty eight years old i have been married for 9 years and do not want to give up ever. Everyone is telling me to just let my wife go I simply cannot. We have two beautiful children and are going through with seperation. She has said in order for her to forgive me for what I have done we must go through with the divorce. When i first filed for the divorce i wanted to give up because all she was doing was minipulating me I never meant to say do the horrible things i have done to her. I just want restitution not for us but for our children. I recently dropped the divorce i filed for because i realised how much I loved her. Especially when two weeks in the divorce she said we can still be friends with benefits and have had sex twice i was so confused to the point that i have lost complete control. I am better now and am seeking professoinal advice. I know with the advice of everyone that loves their wifes and are willing to help save their marriages i can save ours too.

Hi Ken,

 

I'm going to tell you what worked for me when my husband left me and filed for divorce.  (This may not work for you).  Like you I went to therapy to help me cope, he went on his own as well.  I tried the begging, pleading and crying and that just seemed to make him run further away.  So I decided to do the opposite of what I really wanted to do.  I stopped calling him, emailing him,  stopped taking his calls  etc. - cut off all contact and had him stick to the agreed upon schedule with the kids.  I wanted him to miss me so I made myself unavailable to him. After 2 months he saw that I was not at his beckoning call and that got him nervous! 

You don't state exactly why she wants a divorce but if you are still acting like a married couple, emotionally and physically, then what's to stop her from divorcing you?  Stop all unnecessary contact, pay your child support, stick to your set visitation, support your children emotionally,  stay in therapy and start to heal.  Being friends right now won't work.  It gives you hope and leaves you hanging on by a string waiting for her to call the next shot with your life.  If she wants a separation than give her just that because what you're doing now certainly isn't working.  Work on yourself and stay focused on you and the kids.  You don't have any control over what she chooses to do with her life but you do have control over yours. 

 
January 15, 2009, 7:59 pm CST

That sounds like a great plan!

Quote From: daisybull

Hi Ken,

 

I'm going to tell you what worked for me when my husband left me and filed for divorce.  (This may not work for you).  Like you I went to therapy to help me cope, he went on his own as well.  I tried the begging, pleading and crying and that just seemed to make him run further away.  So I decided to do the opposite of what I really wanted to do.  I stopped calling him, emailing him,  stopped taking his calls  etc. - cut off all contact and had him stick to the agreed upon schedule with the kids.  I wanted him to miss me so I made myself unavailable to him. After 2 months he saw that I was not at his beckoning call and that got him nervous! 

You don't state exactly why she wants a divorce but if you are still acting like a married couple, emotionally and physically, then what's to stop her from divorcing you?  Stop all unnecessary contact, pay your child support, stick to your set visitation, support your children emotionally,  stay in therapy and start to heal.  Being friends right now won't work.  It gives you hope and leaves you hanging on by a string waiting for her to call the next shot with your life.  If she wants a separation than give her just that because what you're doing now certainly isn't working.  Work on yourself and stay focused on you and the kids.  You don't have any control over what she chooses to do with her life but you do have control over yours. 

  I really like that plan, it would be really hard for me, because I have to see her every day because she drops off the kids every morning for school. She also works two blocks from my house. She wants the divorce because she explains that in order for her to forgive me and to be just friends I had to go through with mine. So i said when we both decided to have sex for the second time in the first filing that i filed. She tells me that we can still be friends with benefits.That hurt me as well as all the other hurt that i caused her. I also said why a divorce if we are going to be all that then why do we not get some professional help.  I just did not want to get used. I listened to my counseler because he said that i have every right to fight for my marriage and i made the first step i dropped it. It has been a very disturbing struggle on me because after i  asked for the divorce my mother died and i am the one who gave up in the first place but i realised how sorry i was. I have almost lost everything because of this i just wanted restitution. So i took measures i have asked her if we could talk to a marriage counseler some where down the line and maybe together to try and start being friends again and she has agreed on that ; that is all i wanted to be friends again not for me and not for her but for us and our children. Furthermore I can try the advised plan that you have offered me again but i cannot not even keep her out of my dreams let alone stop all contact from her. In part I really do not know what to do because she is already talking to someone else she is letting people she really barely knows twist her mind her friend got me fired from my job because she was my boss and she told the owner of the motel everything that was going on in our lives i am so confused right now that i do not know what else to do I just wanted her to give me that hug i was laking. If you think that it would still work please reply to this. Again thanks for the advice i will consider it i just hope it is not to late.

 
January 15, 2009, 9:20 pm CST

Parents heading for Divorce...

Hello I don't know where to start. Well my parents have been auguring for the past 6 months and there's seems to be no end, they've been auguring over why my father has been lying to my mom about their marriage be on the rocks and what he's been doing with his money instead of using it to pay for their bills. I'm the oldest between my sister and I and I've been trying to talk to my father about how's he's been treating my mom, but all we do is argue on the phone. My mom has called me so many times asking me to talking to my father because she can't talk to him any more, I've tried everything and nothing has worked.  Growing up my father was a kind hearted man who only cared about what is best for his family, now I don't know where that man went to, it's like he's disappeared. He only cares about how or where he should spend his hard earned money or who he should spend the money on.

My father is a Welder and he travels for work, right now he's working in Colorado which the 10 hours from home, which is Page, Arizona. I don't know what else to say to him or should I say I've reached the end of my rope trying to get through to him and nothing had worked. I just recently got married to a wonderful man who has been by my side for the past 2 years. Let me tell you this on what was supposed to be my special wedding day all I was thinking about was my parents falling out of love. I don't want my parents to get a divorce after being together for 36 years. So please I need some advise on what to do in this situation.


A very sad Daughter,

Nanabah Melfi
 
January 15, 2009, 9:41 pm CST

Recently single parent

 

      I have just been recently divorced.He left me with a 3 mth. old, and 3 other kids. I had to move in with my sister.My unemployment just ran out. And I'm scared to death. How will I make it? Will I ever get a place of my own? I try not to think about it all or I won't be able to wake up in the morning. Can anyone help me see that it will get better? Please I'm tore up inside, God help me!

 
January 16, 2009, 3:37 am CST

I'm confused

Quote From: kenshipman28

  I really like that plan, it would be really hard for me, because I have to see her every day because she drops off the kids every morning for school. She also works two blocks from my house. She wants the divorce because she explains that in order for her to forgive me and to be just friends I had to go through with mine. So i said when we both decided to have sex for the second time in the first filing that i filed. She tells me that we can still be friends with benefits.That hurt me as well as all the other hurt that i caused her. I also said why a divorce if we are going to be all that then why do we not get some professional help.  I just did not want to get used. I listened to my counseler because he said that i have every right to fight for my marriage and i made the first step i dropped it. It has been a very disturbing struggle on me because after i  asked for the divorce my mother died and i am the one who gave up in the first place but i realised how sorry i was. I have almost lost everything because of this i just wanted restitution. So i took measures i have asked her if we could talk to a marriage counseler some where down the line and maybe together to try and start being friends again and she has agreed on that ; that is all i wanted to be friends again not for me and not for her but for us and our children. Furthermore I can try the advised plan that you have offered me again but i cannot not even keep her out of my dreams let alone stop all contact from her. In part I really do not know what to do because she is already talking to someone else she is letting people she really barely knows twist her mind her friend got me fired from my job because she was my boss and she told the owner of the motel everything that was going on in our lives i am so confused right now that i do not know what else to do I just wanted her to give me that hug i was laking. If you think that it would still work please reply to this. Again thanks for the advice i will consider it i just hope it is not to late.

I understand the part about you fighting for your marriage but I guess the question is does she want to be married or not?    She wants to divorce and obviously see other people - all this to get even????  To make you hurt ??  Sounds like she needs to grow up!

Usually people separate with the intention to either work on the marriage or to divorce and move on.  She is giving you mixed signals and you need to clarify with her what she wants from you in the future.  If she wants to fix this marriage instead of getting revenge on you then you two need to get into counseling asap BUT if she wants to divorce so she can move on with her life and start dating etc. then she needs to tell you straight out.  In the perfect world two divorcing parents ideally should be friends but what is this going to cost you emotionally?  For the sake of the kids you absolutely need to be civil but somewhere down the road you need to start to heal - can you do that while carrying on like you are?  Your kids need to have 2 emotionally whole parents - I wonder if you'll ever get there doing what you're doing.

I guess what I'm confused about is does she really want a divorce from you whereas you get divorced and you both move on with your lives while coparenting your children or does she want a divorce simply to make you suffer and pay while she is out there sowing her wild oats until she decides that she's had her fun and now she's ready to work on the marriage again?   And do you want this marriage or do you just want to be friends after the divorce?

 
January 16, 2009, 3:48 am CST

Stay neutral

Quote From: shynative

Hello I don't know where to start. Well my parents have been auguring for the past 6 months and there's seems to be no end, they've been auguring over why my father has been lying to my mom about their marriage be on the rocks and what he's been doing with his money instead of using it to pay for their bills. I'm the oldest between my sister and I and I've been trying to talk to my father about how's he's been treating my mom, but all we do is argue on the phone. My mom has called me so many times asking me to talking to my father because she can't talk to him any more, I've tried everything and nothing has worked.  Growing up my father was a kind hearted man who only cared about what is best for his family, now I don't know where that man went to, it's like he's disappeared. He only cares about how or where he should spend his hard earned money or who he should spend the money on.

My father is a Welder and he travels for work, right now he's working in Colorado which the 10 hours from home, which is Page, Arizona. I don't know what else to say to him or should I say I've reached the end of my rope trying to get through to him and nothing had worked. I just recently got married to a wonderful man who has been by my side for the past 2 years. Let me tell you this on what was supposed to be my special wedding day all I was thinking about was my parents falling out of love. I don't want my parents to get a divorce after being together for 36 years. So please I need some advise on what to do in this situation.


A very sad Daughter,

Nanabah Melfi
I can relate to your situation as my parents marriage has been unstable for the last 20 years.  I've tried to no avail to be the peace keeper and have given up.  I've learned over the years that it is not my job to try to save their relationship nor am I capable of doing so - that's their job.  Their marital issues are not your fault nor are they your problem and trust me if they can't fix them neither can you.  I would advise you to simply just stay out of it and ask your mom to seek a counselor.  She should not be asking you to get in the middle of their relationship as it will put a strain on your relationship with your dad.  Your job is to be a loving daughter to both of your parents and to not take sides.  Be there for both of them and support them emotionally but if they want to fix this marriage it's up to them to do so, not you.  
 
January 16, 2009, 5:55 am CST

I am confused also!

Quote From: daisybull

I understand the part about you fighting for your marriage but I guess the question is does she want to be married or not?    She wants to divorce and obviously see other people - all this to get even????  To make you hurt ??  Sounds like she needs to grow up!

Usually people separate with the intention to either work on the marriage or to divorce and move on.  She is giving you mixed signals and you need to clarify with her what she wants from you in the future.  If she wants to fix this marriage instead of getting revenge on you then you two need to get into counseling asap BUT if she wants to divorce so she can move on with her life and start dating etc. then she needs to tell you straight out.  In the perfect world two divorcing parents ideally should be friends but what is this going to cost you emotionally?  For the sake of the kids you absolutely need to be civil but somewhere down the road you need to start to heal - can you do that while carrying on like you are?  Your kids need to have 2 emotionally whole parents - I wonder if you'll ever get there doing what you're doing.

I guess what I'm confused about is does she really want a divorce from you whereas you get divorced and you both move on with your lives while coparenting your children or does she want a divorce simply to make you suffer and pay while she is out there sowing her wild oats until she decides that she's had her fun and now she's ready to work on the marriage again?   And do you want this marriage or do you just want to be friends after the divorce?

    To answer the queston no she does not want to be married but she said to her friend we can start over a fresh clean start. I believe in my heart that she does want to make it work she just cannot be married to me right now at least that is what she wrote in this letter she wrote me. I really am going to take the advice of the first quote that someone sent me because she did start to get worried for a min because i would not even speak to her. It hurts even more because i cannot even keep her out of my dreams, like last night the guy she told me she was talking to i had a dream about meeting him and draging him out of the car they were driving and beating him to a bloody pulp this has caused me serious psychological issues. To that i have not even met him yet she simply will not tell me the truth about anything because she is so afraid what i might do. I am not a bad person and never will be it is just that through all of this my worst fears have been imaginable. I really and truly want this to work because i simply cannot go through life waiting on someone else we are together lets work it out eventually,  and I asked her maybe eventually we could go to couples counseling, she just needs her space right now to try to heal those wounds so i am going to try the advice stop all communication take the pictures off the wall because it just hurts to much. I am confused also this is going to take some time and i will be ready when she decides that it is time to work on the marriage. In part we have both pushed this to the point of it driving us both crazy. I have one question to ask why would she say, if you do not want me to hate you than you will go through with it. It seems like it is her way or the highway, and i simply want to show her that i can will change.
 
January 16, 2009, 11:54 am CST

Have no idea what she is thinking!

Quote From: kenshipman28

    To answer the queston no she does not want to be married but she said to her friend we can start over a fresh clean start. I believe in my heart that she does want to make it work she just cannot be married to me right now at least that is what she wrote in this letter she wrote me. I really am going to take the advice of the first quote that someone sent me because she did start to get worried for a min because i would not even speak to her. It hurts even more because i cannot even keep her out of my dreams, like last night the guy she told me she was talking to i had a dream about meeting him and draging him out of the car they were driving and beating him to a bloody pulp this has caused me serious psychological issues. To that i have not even met him yet she simply will not tell me the truth about anything because she is so afraid what i might do. I am not a bad person and never will be it is just that through all of this my worst fears have been imaginable. I really and truly want this to work because i simply cannot go through life waiting on someone else we are together lets work it out eventually,  and I asked her maybe eventually we could go to couples counseling, she just needs her space right now to try to heal those wounds so i am going to try the advice stop all communication take the pictures off the wall because it just hurts to much. I am confused also this is going to take some time and i will be ready when she decides that it is time to work on the marriage. In part we have both pushed this to the point of it driving us both crazy. I have one question to ask why would she say, if you do not want me to hate you than you will go through with it. It seems like it is her way or the highway, and i simply want to show her that i can will change.

I'm going to stick with my initial post to you.  If she needs time and space then give it to her!  When I made myself less available to my husband is when it made him nervous.  When he came to pick up the kids & drop them off we spoke few words, basically just about the kids-nothing personal at all.  I looked busy even if I wasn't and kept my spirits up even if I was dying inside. No phone calls, no emails, no begging, pleading or crying.  Hell I even stopped returning his calls - if you need me, leave a message on the answering machine!   Sounds crazy but I was determined to make it with or without him.  I somehow came to the mindset that if he no longer wanted me then I would be just fine without him in my life.  (I mean if you really think about it we have no choice but to go on)  When I reached that point I actually did feel better.  I read a lot of self help books, kept a journal for my eyes only and made sure the kids were emotionally okay.  I read Dr. Phil's book Self Matters and did every single exercise - get the book.  It's time consuming but it will help you tremendously.

The dreams will come and go - all they are are dreams.

 

I'm still not understanding her reasoning of getting a divorce just so you can start a clean slate.  She can just as easily make a choice to work on the marriage without putting you and this kids through this crap so I absolutely question her judgement.  Guess she thinks you'll stick around waiting for her until she's done playing the single life again.  And you want to know the reality of this situation - if and when she does decide she wants back in - you may be over and done with her! 

Break the communication, focus on you, keep busy, support those kids emotionally, stay in therapy, get Dr. Phil's book , reach out to family and friends for support, and be kind to yourself.

 
January 17, 2009, 6:31 pm CST

Am I just crazy or is this reason enough to call it quits

My husband is 17 years older than me ( im in my late 20's) He has cheated twice, he said it was to see if I still loved him. We have 4 children together and I cant bring myself to leave for fear of hurting them.  He has a `13 year old son who I am always taking care of, He has absolutely no respect for me. My husbands ex wife is always telling my husband that his son doesnt like to come over because of me, yet she will not let him come home because after her second marriage ended she found a boyfriend a week later and he cant come home when she is with him. She is paid 400 a month child support and makes as much money as we do.  when he needs picked up from school or anything else its always me that gets stuck with it. I take care of a 5 kids full time am enrolled in 15 hrs of night school and am trying to find a job. when i just want someone to talk to about how i've had a hard day with the kids he says its your fault you forgot to take your birth control. He constantly tells me Im stupid. Between his hateful remarks and his exwife constantly making snide little remarks I'm damn near suicidal. My husband has severe mood swings and when he is in a bad mood takes it out on me. He tells me he works his ass off all the time but never gets any of the money. last month he had a thousand dollars in cash withdraws. I am afraid to spend a dollar on anything I need for fear that he'll get pissed of . We take care of  5 kids He expects me to feed them on 400 dollars a month but whenever his son wants a dirtbike a pair of 130 skates or anything else, well poor kid he really needs it . Im so sick of doing without and being disrespected when all I do is take care of everyone else. If it wasnt for my Mother in law who is an angel I would have already gone crazy.

I am constanly being put down by my husband, his ex wife and son . I'm sick of being taken advantage of.

but I just cannot hurt my kids. I guess i know the answer but I just need someone to agree with me is this reason enough to call it quits???  Im so distraught

 
January 18, 2009, 6:25 pm CST

When is enough enough?

Quote From: beckj1982

My husband is 17 years older than me ( im in my late 20's) He has cheated twice, he said it was to see if I still loved him. We have 4 children together and I cant bring myself to leave for fear of hurting them.  He has a 13 year old son who I am always taking care of, He has absolutely no respect for me. My husbands ex wife is always telling my husband that his son doesnt like to come over because of me, yet she will not let him come home because after her second marriage ended she found a boyfriend a week later and he cant come home when she is with him. She is paid 400 a month child support and makes as much money as we do.  when he needs picked up from school or anything else its always me that gets stuck with it. I take care of a 5 kids full time am enrolled in 15 hrs of night school and am trying to find a job. when i just want someone to talk to about how i've had a hard day with the kids he says its your fault you forgot to take your birth control. He constantly tells me Im stupid. Between his hateful remarks and his exwife constantly making snide little remarks I'm damn near suicidal. My husband has severe mood swings and when he is in a bad mood takes it out on me. He tells me he works his ass off all the time but never gets any of the money. last month he had a thousand dollars in cash withdraws. I am afraid to spend a dollar on anything I need for fear that he'll get pissed of . We take care of  5 kids He expects me to feed them on 400 dollars a month but whenever his son wants a dirtbike a pair of 130 skates or anything else, well poor kid he really needs it . Im so sick of doing without and being disrespected when all I do is take care of everyone else. If it wasnt for my Mother in law who is an angel I would have already gone crazy.

I am constanly being put down by my husband, his ex wife and son . I'm sick of being taken advantage of.

but I just cannot hurt my kids. I guess i know the answer but I just need someone to agree with me is this reason enough to call it quits???  Im so distraught

i agree with Jaime, the previous poster.  You're not doing your kids any favors by staying with a man who disrespects their mother as they will think this is normal behavior. 

I can't answer the question if all he has done is enough to call it quits, only you can make that choice.  I will give you my opinion however.  Cheating on you to see if you still loved him is a lame excuse and I hope you don't believe that.  He cheated because he could, because it fed his male ego, because he does not respect you nor your marriage.  The emotional abuse and disrespect obviously decreases your self esteem and self worth and you are probably questioning if you can make it without this guy.  With emotional support from family and friends, counselor or clergy member and a belief in yourself that you will not allow this to continue, that you deserve better should give you the will to make you a survivor instead of a victim of the man who supposedly loves you.    This is no longer about your kids, this is about making you whole and healthy again instead of being dragged down by a guy who is only out for himself.  Good luck with your decision and seek professional help alone if you are still questioning yourself and get a plan in place and make it work!

 
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