Message Boards

Topic : Divorce Support

Number of Replies: 4223
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:52 pm
Author : dataimport
Over half of all marriages end in divorce, but that doesn't make it any less painful for those going through it. Discuss your experience here.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

February 23, 2009, 3:43 am CST

How do you balance emotion with your rational mind

I guess I should start from the beginning.  I I've been with my husband for 19.  We have 3 children together.  I know I need to file for divorse but just can't seem to bring my self to do it. 

 

We have faced every type of relationship crisis you can imagine.  Finicial, infeldility, drug addiction and emotional and some time physical abuse.  We were on the brink of bankrupcy.  He had a 3 year affair that I know about and I'm pretty sure he had others.  He has had 3 DUI's.  He has called fat worthless and has told me no other man would ever want me(and in retaliation I've called him names and made deragatory remarks about his ablility to provide for his family).  We have both pushed and shoved each other (its been 5-6 years since the last incident, please don't think I'm making light of the seriousness of these actions on his or my part). 

 

I can honestly say that I was not always the perfect wife.   Although, rationally I know that the majority of our problems were not cause by myself.  I didn't cause or ask him to cheat or to use drugs.  Which he used through out our relationship. 

 

I always had to be the rock because if I wasn't my children would have been in a terrible situation. I was always the stable person I was the glue that kept our family together.  I recently told him I wanted a divorse and he moved out.  I was very surprised that he didn't react  badly to that declartion.  Some how in the discussing how the seperation was going to take place I talked my self into a trial seperation (he didn't even suggest it).  I'm not even sure why I talked my self into it.  It's not like he was begging me to stay.  He actually said do what you need too.  So I know this is my problem not his. 

 

How can I bring my self to the next step and actually file.  I know it's what is for the best.  I don't want my daughters thinking that they should take the abuse and disrespect that I have taken for years. Intellectually I know I deserve better even if that means I will live the rest of my life alone.  Here's the kicker I don't even think my heart is all that engaged in our relationship.  I can go 2 or 3 weeks without speaking to him and it won't even bother me.   Is it the idea of divorse that I'm adverse too?  Why can't I just close the door on that chapter of my life and move forward? Why do I feel guilty about perceeding with the divorse? Please give me what ever insight that you may have!  Thank you for your thoughts.

 
February 23, 2009, 9:52 am CST

update

Quote From: lifeisajourney

After reading this post you wrote I am convinced your hubby is an all around abuser. You are doing

the right thing with what you are doing. What I have found out about myself is i am a big time

co-dependent. Not saying you are but maybe you want to look into that. You sound so smart and

by your post  you say you are young. Dont waste your precious life on this drama. I know you wont and

when the time is right you will have a good life. What I forgot to tell you is that when I left my first

abuser I wound up with another emotional abuser. So I dont want to repeat that pattern so I

have to learn how not too.So when you leave be careful you dont wind up with another bad

relationship. Any abuse is wrong and there are many predators out there who seek out loving;

caring; wonderful women such as ourselves. Its so very classic but its like they know we are coming and

believe we will always be around. (NOT). On another note when you say you hope he gets another woman.

I totally get that too. Let me explain. When my ex-husband and I were getting divorced I prayed that

he would get a gfriend cause it let me off the hook. It stung for a while but then It was great. He focused

on her and she became the next victim. I was free and he didnt bother me anymore. its funny cause now after five years of being away from him we sometimes talk and he still has the same gfriend which

I am glad about. i hope he never gets rid of her and visa versa cause he would then think I was available.

Oh; and I was also glad that my exboyfriend got back with his exwife cause it lets the pressure off of me.

my ex boyfriend was a con artist to some extent and was looking to me to save him. No Thanks

So yes; what hurts will make  you stronger. Its hard to see now but in the long run the best revenge

is living well. I am living a nice life now free of all of the drama and all of these energy sucking self

centered selfish people will get their due. Do you believe in Karma?

Oh; by the way my exhusband's relationship with is gfriend is not good. His Karma .

My exboyfriends life with his exwife I know for sure will bite him in the butt. Again.Karma

Keep posting. I love helping out.

with a Hug

I just wanted to let you know that I moved out. I didn't wait for financial help. Thank God for my wonderful friend. She let me move onto her couch until things came together with student loans. Following my gut instinct was the best thing I ever could have done. I am 100% guilt free and man free. I live my life now knowing my worth and my abilities. I am not in another relationship although I have finally figured out how to casually date. I am not interested in anyone who sends up even one red flag. I believe that I have gone from one extreme to the other which is quite fine by me. I love me and spending time with me. I enjoy having the whole bed to myself and watching whatever I like on tv. I, for the first time in my life, am putting myself first. Over the last couple of months my favorite part i think has been getting to know me. I no longer picture who I am through the eyes of others judgements, quite the contray, I am me, this is it, and I am spectacular and personally I don't really care if nobody else sees it. I just love being me.

 

My ex while "trying to get me back" (haha) told me that my standards are way to high and no man will ever treat me as good as I want to be treated so I might as well just come back to him (wow incredible logic there lol) my response to this was then I guess I will be single forever because if that is the best I can do I don't want anything!!! It really amazes me the things poeple will do to try to be lazy and just be given what they want. I will never go back nor will I ever be lonely enough alone that i will ever need someone that treats me less than the greatest thing that walks the planet. Now I do see where I've gone to the other extreme of the spectrum but I must say that I like it far better on this side of the fence than the other.

 

I have taken great pains to make sure that I am not blocking myself out of the world or becoming unemotional because I like who I am I am just way more careful now where I lay my emotions down. The funny thing is it didn't hurt to leave. I have expected to feel sadness or loss or anything really for that matter but when it comes to him it actually ended up being one of the easiest moves I've ever made. I have done more for myself in the last couple of months than I have in the entire span of my life and it feels good to be important.

 

So I want to say thank you so much for the support and the advice. I know I am about to enjoy the best years of my life and I am excited to see what each day holds because you only get one go around and if you spend it miserable then, you will be miserable. There is no excuse good enough if life to be unhappy and that is the choice I makde for me. A good friend of mine recently said "happy people aren't depressed" and this may sound very simplistic, although the fact is it takes people a good majority of their lives to figure it out.

 
March 25, 2009, 9:21 pm CDT

Good for you!

Quote From: susanslb

I was with my husband for 30 years married for 26 1/2.  Right before Thanksgiving he said he didn't want to be married anymore but we agreed to share the house until my youngest was out of high school in 3 plus years.  I later found out that he was on his at least his 5th woman and both my child and I over heard shall I call them sex conversations.

 

I had stayed with my husband for "the childrens sake" even after he had been abusive in many ways.  After hearing his phone sex and telling him it was really inappropriate for a young teenager (even to graphic for me) and he said he didn't care - I finally got the guts to have him leave (unfortunately because of his rage the police had to get involved and ask him to leave).

 

The good news is I feel like I have found myself again something I haven't  felt in at least 5 years.  I love to be in my home, share time with my kids...in that way I haven't felt this great!

 

I feel I am being strong, logical,planning and organizing my future.  My kids are having a really hard time and taking it out on me because I am "the safe one" they are to afraid to talk to their dad like that.

 

My not soon enough to be ex-husband is playing nasty with finances all the while vacationing at least 2 times a month with his girlfriend and spending thousands on phone bills. Meanwhile he reported all our joint credit cards lost/stolen and removed all monies from our bank accounts.  I set some money asside but it won't last long.

 

I feel like I am more / less functioning during the day - because I have to but during the night I am literally having nightmares and waking up with my heart racing and out of breath.  I am becoming more sleep deprived and that is making me not able to function as well.

 

I have friends I can talk to but I really don't want to burden them all the time with my cr-p.  I had been in therapy prior to filing but my therapist (even though my ex admitted to her that abuse had occured) had the - well I'm not sure what words to use on the internet - but she told me that "IF HE REALLY HAD ABUSED ME I WOULDN'T HAVE GONE BACK".  I felt completely violated again and there is NO  way I could trust a therapist again with anything.  Thus my looking for help here...any ideas...I will try anything to get my life on track and to take care of my kids!!!!

 

 

It sounds to me like you are on your way to getting your life back on track....  It just takes time, and it is extremely difficult.  I am just divorced after 23 years, and the past few years for me have been really tough also.  Men can turn into something you'd never imagined once they aren't with you anymore and with someone else.  I am sorry to hear you are having such a tough time sleeping.  I had a really tough time too, and sometimes still do, but I have gottem much more used to being alone now.  I did get on a light medication to help me at least sleep and it helped soooooooo much.  Sleep is so important, and if we aren't sleeping, we basically can't function and when you have kids to deal with also, it's important to be able to function for them.  You might want to think about it.  I think you got unlucky with the therapist.  There are good therapists and not so good ones.  Unfortunately, you probably got one that didn't say the right words to you.  My kids also had a tough time and we went to a therapist for a while, and it helped them and I am still going.  They also took things out on me for a while, but now I think they realize that I was a rock for them, and still am, and dad was a flake by leaving all of us, and going off with his girlfriend.  Kids will see that in the long-run.  All you can do is your best, be there for them if they need to talk, and try to stay really busy and do fun or new things with them, if you cannot afford it, do something cheap and go on hikes, walks, sightseeing, things like that.   My son who was 16 at the time and I got into bowling, and golfing.  I tried to be active with him, and start a friendship that we didn't seem to have before.  It really helped a lot.  Now, we are divorced as of a few days ago, and when I look back on what I  went through the past two years, I really have come a long ways.  I've been working, which I didn't before, I have made new friends, I have done things to help myself get through the mess, and it definitely hasn't been easy but I have done a lot with what I had handed to me.  My  husband left me twice in about a 5 year period.  So I'm pretty used to it by now, but I finally put my foot down and said no more of that crap!  I felt I didn't deserve it at all.  Take care.  You sound like you are on the right track, and just keep doing what you've been doing.  You will get through it too! 
Keep your chin up.
 
March 26, 2009, 2:55 pm CDT

Thinking about it....

My husband and I are not getting along at all. We are young and dumb and got married before we were ready... But I have accepted that. He cant. When I tell him we have problems, he acts like its all about household chores so hell step those up for a bit and then act like nothing else is different.
Hes quite immature and blames me everytime we have an argument.
I do care about him - I think hes a good guy otherwise but hes not a good husband, he makes me a bad wife, and I think I am really just done. I dont see him as the person I married anymore. Which means I am not even really attracted to him anymore. We have both changed and I know that our lives should be headed in different directions.
Knowing how he reacts to fights, let alone the actual breakup - I dont know how to bring it up. Last weekend I told him I was at the end of my rope, and though hes been doing his chores for ONCE, he is still acting like everything is fine, and will act shocked when the real convo happens.
Is there any way to cushion it for him? He doesnt really have a place to go or money to go anywhere... so I feel like he is going to take it as me doing something negative TO him. Like Im trying to hurt him by wanting a split. I really dont want to hurt him and I dont want to head off a nasty divorce. I just want him to see it the way that I do, that it has just run its course and theres nothing either of us can do....

Any advice from anyone whos been through this?
Thanks.
 
March 29, 2009, 12:45 pm CDT

Just Thought I'd Share

I was just trolling the web late last night and I came across this site.

http://www.imnevergettingmarried.com

Pretty good actually. I thought my divorce was out there, but some of these stories take the cake! Check it out, its been helping me cope.
 
March 29, 2009, 2:06 pm CDT

Need Adice-Newbie

Well my ex just got served papers last week and we have been apart for 4 years. He left me for another woman younger than me but since then has a new gf and another child with this woman. Let me tell you a bit about our history.

 

We were married for 10 years and the both of us had our own business half hour from where we live. Even though we both worked together here he was the one who went to start up the business and I stayed working here and taking care of the kids. As time went on he seemed different like getting into country music, going to work all clean shaven, cologne and he even was late the one year to my parents house with a new sweater on. I found a long piece of blonde hair and said to him "oh so thats why your late" he became different around my family and didn't even want to participate much in family events and when he did his face looked sour.  After so long of him denying the cheating he finally told me but thats not all. He left me two weeks before Christmas, I just found out my mom had cancer and I was one month pregnant.

 

He left anyway. Three months later he tried breaking it off with the ow but all I felt was sickness to my stomach and cried all the time. ......he wasn't really there for the pregnancy. When our 3 child was born I found out later that he told my oldest child (8yrs old then) not to say anything about going to the beach....Who does that? Take your gf to the beach while your wife just gave birth.

 

I really wanted this marriage to work. I believe you marry once and if it gets rough you both work on the issue not leave. For me this has been so difficult. In the four years we seperated I have slept with him....and even last month we had sex. I am not sure why I let this happen.  It took soooo long for me to get over him and let alone serve him with divorce papers....He was so calm when he got them and came over as if nothing happened.  He is probably cussing my name behind my back.  He has came over to the house whick is the matrimonal home and he's played the Wii, he'll wrestle with me and the kids but I am trying to get him out of my head for good.

 

One other thing you know how he has a baby with his gf...Well he paint the room in pastels, plays with her alot, everything is so different from when we had our children together.  I just recently put baseboards in my daughters room that went without for years. He never put pictures on the wall or even decorated. The walls were bare and it bugs me to have the kids talk about how "daddy painted the babys room " or bought cool clothes and my kids went without matching baby stroller.

 

How do I ask him not to come into the house without trying to make him mad since it's been like this since he comes to pick up the kids on his weekend? I don't just go over to his place. I need to stop this because the kids get really angry at me when he is here. I need to politey way of telling him to just drop off the kids and just pick them up.  I don't like the fact that I have no privacy...I want to leave my bills and other crap lying around if I want to and not worry about him.  I just can't believe he would still ask me to have sex after I served him. Most men would just get pissed.  I want him to leave me alone. He didn't want me when he had me so how can I tell him ?

 
March 30, 2009, 12:30 pm CDT

In need of support/advice

This is my first time posting, and a little nervous.  My husband and I have been married for 27 years, and together for 33 years.  He has had an affair in our past, and an emotional affair last year.  We have been working through some mistrust on my part, and him  being very confusing to me.  He has decided that it would be best to give each other some space.  He moved out the end of February, and decided that being separated, means no communication.  I am home with 2 adult children, and a daughter that is married and has a baby.  He has decided to not answer any phone calls, emails, etc.  He is someone that none of

us recognize anymore.  This last week he decided to take his ring off, and told my daughter he just could't wear it now.  He definately is enjoying no responsibility, no bills, house, kids (except to text them occassionaly), or to see our grandson for 1 hour once a week.  He mentioned maybe he was a mid-life crisis.  I see it as a reason to be self-absorbed.  Please advise!

 
March 30, 2009, 3:39 pm CDT

Divorce Support

Quote From: pixi007

OMG, I thought I was the only one going through some like this.  My husband left me & the kids just 4 weeks ago.  We've been married for 16 years, and have had what I thought a happy marriage. Therefore I never saw this coming.  It happened so quickly, one day he told me he wasn't happy, (just 2 months ago he told me how happy he was)and the next day he moved out.  He's not having an affair, or drinking or doing drugs.  I honestly think he's having a mid life crisis, at 39.  I too, hope he soon comes to realize that whatever problem he or we are having can be resolved.  But at this point he's telling me there's no chance  of it working.  My 14 year old son, and 9 year old daughter are beside theirselves.  Of course they come to me for answers and I do my best to be honest.  But I suggested they ask their father, he's the only one that can answer "when's he coming home".  Tonight is especially hard because my sister in law has just had a baby, and my husband's family is throwing a huge party tonight that I'm not part of.  My heart is breaking, because his mom was like my best friend.  I'm sorry that we are all going through this, but I'm also glad I'm not alone.  When will the hurt end??

I can't believe what I am reading, I too am going through what you are.

My heart bleeds now, and after 33 years together, and a wonderful family and

life, can't believe he doesn't know what he wants

 
March 31, 2009, 5:29 pm CDT

Custody Issues

I am in the middle of divorce proceedings. My husband and I have been apart now for over four years. Prior to this, we had been basically living under the same roof, but apart for a year and a half. In 2003, our home burned down and I found out he was seeing a girl in another state. We had a skirmish and I had him put out of the house. We then moved to his hometown, due to his father having terminal cancer.

 

After we moved here, he kept telling me to get out every day and he was still seeing the woman he had been seeing and another one in his home state. He had my oldest son always cursing at me and telling me he didn’t have to do anything I said as his dad had said so and he would do whatever he wanted. He also had my other two sons believing that they didn’t have to listen to their mother either.

 

I decided to start meeting new people online, but wasn’t serious about anyone. My husband and I were cohabiting, but living apart. He was an over the road truck driver and I worked in a convenience store.

 

He had our sons so brainwashed that they wanted to go and live with him and he was having them go against me in every aspect. He also promised them a go-cart if they came to live with him, which they never got.

 

Then my best friend had decided he was moving to the city due to the job situation in this small town that we were living in. Since I was only making $6 per hour and couldn’t afford to live on my own and was being told to get out every night, decided to come with. My ex had decided that he wanted to get out of the town we were living in at the time, also, and told me he would move close by to where I was so we could have joint custody. Instead of moving to the city, he moved to a small town an hour and a half away from here, where his married gf lived, as he thought she would leave her husband. That didn’t work out, he lost his job for being late often and was evicted less than a year upon moving there. The kids told me he wasn’t even looking that hard for another one. I had a job about 40 minutes in the opposite direction of where they lived when he first moved here. It would have made my drive quite long to and from work if I had moved out there and it wasn’t feasible for me to quit my job and try to find work out there as the jobs were extremely limited in that small town.

 

At the time he was evicted, my temp assignment had ended and it took me close to four months to find another job. At this time, my friend that I had moved here with and I had decided to be together as we found that we had a lot in common and got along well. My ex and I had been physically separated for almost a year. We gave them extra food and I paid him child support. He moved back to his home town with his mother who abused the kids. Then later he moved into an apartment. I had told him I was going to take the kids at that time because of his mother, but he told me he would have me arrested.

 

In 2006, my job situation became erratic as I was working through temp agencies so I hardly paid him that year. In 2007, he was fired and again evicted, so my boyfriend and I came up with the money and moved them back out here. However, he again refused to move anywhere near to where I lived and moved over an hour from here, in another small town. My job situation had changed to where I didn’t have to work through temp agencies and found a full-time, permanent job. I have been paying him every month since, except for two times when I had to have surgery.

 

The problem now is he has filed for divorce, which I don’t care about, but he is trying to say I abandoned him and the kids for another man and that my contact with the kids is minimal. He is also trying to get permanent custody. First, he won’t let me take the kids overnight because I live with my boyfriend. I work here in the city and moving clear out there isn’t a wise idea. He is trying to use the fact that I live with another man as an issue. As I stated before, I have been separated from him for over four years. Also, he has a girlfriend now and is in a rush to get me out of the picture so he can marry her. They don’t live together, but she lives a few doors down from him. The kids have told me that they lie on the couch together all the time in front of the them, yet I cannot have my kids in my home just because I have a significant other to whom I live with. My two youngest told me that she is either there or he is at her place when they aren’t at work. He wont allow my boyfriend to even come to the house and spend time with them anymore as they really liked him when he would come and see them with me.

 

He is also going to church now and has been since I moved out. When I used to go to church, he would tell me it was stupid of me to go and that I was going to go to hell anyway. I believe he is going to church for more of an "I am the good one here" statement than anything. He had always played mind games when we were together and was mentally abusive.

 

He has had Division of Children’s Services on his doorstep repeatedly since I moved out. My son has told me recently that he beats on them and screams if they don’t clean the house all of the time. The only time my kids get to do anything fun is when I take them. Their dad never takes them fishing or anywhere really. The place that they live in is a dump and playing outside is dangerous, as there have been gang shootings. He refuses to move.

 

My attorney has said he is going to file divorce against him showing that we are saying no to his divorce and filing for divorce against him instead. It has been three weeks and I haven’t seen any papers. There was also supposed to be a hearing but he had it set back to April. We are also going to try for joint custody as my ex has continuously moved to places that keep me from seeing my kids regularly.

 

My ex also overextends himself and has had his phone disconnected now for months to where I cant even talk to my kids anymore. He has turned our oldest son against me and has had him talk to his attorney. My two youngest sons want to come and live with me, as they are tired of being their dads slave all the time and his constant screaming and hitting them. My ex is also saying that I am a drug addict and alcoholic. I work for a bank and all the jobs I have had since I have been here have required me to undergo drug testing. I have never been a drug user and only drink a glass of wine a few times a year. He is also having our fifteen-year-old son state this.

I don’t think it is fair that he is able to let our 15 year old talk to his attorney. Our 14 and 11 year old that know the truth about how I am aren’t allowed to speak out in my behalf. I have also been told by my attorney that if I leave my boyfriend, it would make it look better in court and that I might get joint custody of my kids. My ex also keeps saying he cant wait to get half of my check, too.

 

Is it true that if I moved away from my boyfriend, I might get joint custody or is it because my ex lives in a small town and I should abide by the rules there? Does a person have to do that? I am not allowed overnight visitation by my ex because I live with my boyfriend. Should I move to where my kids are by myself? As of right now, I don’t think I could afford to do it. I feel as though I would be forced to get a second full time job just to pay him, my car payment, my rent, utilities, and pay for my gas to and from work every day (which would be over a two hour commute). Realistically, what are my chances of getting joint custody? I want to have more time with my kids and I want to do what’s best for them. Should I get DCS involved since he is allegedly abusing them? Would that affect my chances of getting to see them at all if he gets custody? Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Thanks,

Annabelle

 

PS-I got a place in the town where my kids live and are waiting now for the hearing to see what happens. My boyfriend and me might separate.

 
April 1, 2009, 10:54 pm CDT

What to do?

Ok I would really appreciate somebody's opinion on my problem. Im
currently married and have been for 10 months. My last marriage lasted
for 8 years and ended suddenly when my ex wife left me for a co worker.
Im 34 years old and im sick of the games my new wife plays with me. She
is 27 and very attractive. All throughout our relationship she has had
a thing for "seeking" attention of other men...and by that I mean
constantly having several guy friends who have in the past made our
relationship very difficult... She would constantly get text messages
that I thought were inappropriate before we got married but she always
new what to say to me to make me think they were harmless. But after we
were engaged the messages didnt stop...and it was really starting to
hurt me...I was guilty of going through her phone, email... I couldnt
trust her...I just didnt want to go through being left like I was in my
first marriage..but I have always given her the benifit of the
doubt..Then last may we got married and all was well for a few
months...no text no supicious email.. Then in October she was back to
her old tricks...she posted a profile on a social network... I laid in
wait acting like I had no clue what she was doing...It was a nerve
racking week watching her contact other guys and doing some flirting..
Then I had my breaking point...I confronted her about it. And of course
she tore into me telling me I did not respect her privacy and was to
noisy for my own good and didnt trust her...so I left for 3 days and
she begged me to come back that she didnt do anything wrong really..she
said she felt that i was distant and that made her do it...ok so here I
go back but I tell her I'm not distant and she can talk to me about
anything..I married you and I meant my vowels...I would never do that
to you but if this happens again...its over! So the last few months
went by and one night I couldnt sleep I just had a gut feeling that she
was up to it again...I get her laptop and decide to see what she had
been looking at...*******.. go figure...she had been pulling up her ex
husbands profile and that of his new girlfriend as well as some other
guys...I didnt say anything to her I thought well she just may have
been curious to as what he was doing...but I still was a little
nervous...so I began monitoring her email everyday...and then right in
fromt of me was a confirmation to a "hidden email account she had
created...she knew I knew about her email account so she went and
created another...as well as a ******* page...So I knew she was up to
her old tricks again. So I hacked her email and ******* account..she
never has been to good with creative passwords..and in front of me was
letters to two seperate guys... In one of those letters she was talking
to a guy telling him how sexy he was and he looked great since she had
not seen him in a while...she was flirting hard! The letter to the
other guy she asked him to lunch sometime...since she hadnt seen him in
a while.. I lost it...I immediately confronted her and here again she
said they were old friends and thats how she joked with them and again
I was noisy and it was none of my business. I left and thats been a
week ago.. We are married not dating...and is this how a married woman
acts...It makes me look like dirt to her "friends"... I might be old
school but she is sending messages to other men that make it look like
she doesnt take her marriage or me serious.... She has called me a
bunch and I have stood firm...she finaly admits that she screwed up and
her heart is broke without me...and to give our marriage 1 more
chance...I dont know...my trust has been violated so many times....
 
First | Prev | 415 | 416 | 417 | 418 | 419 | 420 | 421 | 422 | Next | Last