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Topic : Divorce Support

Number of Replies: 4225
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:52 pm
Author : dataimport
Over half of all marriages end in divorce, but that doesn't make it any less painful for those going through it. Discuss your experience here.

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February 12, 2009, 8:46 am CST

HELP - when will the nightmares stop????

I was with my husband for 30 years married for 26 1/2.  Right before Thanksgiving he said he didn't want to be married anymore but we agreed to share the house until my youngest was out of high school in 3 plus years.  I later found out that he was on his at least his 5th woman and both my child and I over heard shall I call them sex conversations.

 

I had stayed with my husband for "the childrens sake" even after he had been abusive in many ways.  After hearing his phone sex and telling him it was really inappropriate for a young teenager (even to graphic for me) and he said he didn't care - I finally got the guts to have him leave (unfortunately because of his rage the police had to get involved and ask him to leave).

 

The good news is I feel like I have found myself again something I haven't  felt in at least 5 years.  I love to be in my home, share time with my kids...in that way I haven't felt this great!

 

I feel I am being strong, logical,planning and organizing my future.  My kids are having a really hard time and taking it out on me because I am "the safe one" they are to afraid to talk to their dad like that.

 

My not soon enough to be ex-husband is playing nasty with finances all the while vacationing at least 2 times a month with his girlfriend and spending thousands on phone bills. Meanwhile he reported all our joint credit cards lost/stolen and removed all monies from our bank accounts.  I set some money asside but it won't last long.

 

I feel like I am more / less functioning during the day - because I have to but during the night I am literally having nightmares and waking up with my heart racing and out of breath.  I am becoming more sleep deprived and that is making me not able to function as well.

 

I have friends I can talk to but I really don't want to burden them all the time with my cr-p.  I had been in therapy prior to filing but my therapist (even though my ex admitted to her that abuse had occured) had the - well I'm not sure what words to use on the internet - but she told me that "IF HE REALLY HAD ABUSED ME I WOULDN'T HAVE GONE BACK".  I felt completely violated again and there is NO  way I could trust a therapist again with anything.  Thus my looking for help here...any ideas...I will try anything to get my life on track and to take care of my kids!!!!

 

 

 
February 15, 2009, 10:27 pm CST

am I being to nice

I just recently divorce my husband out of anger, I have been threating to do it for a year, my divorce paper was rejected thru the courts 3 times during that year, he finally made me so upset, calling me names because he didnt want to take care of his responsibilities, he is so selfish and very abusive verbally. I finally filed and got the papers ended the marriage. He is acting as if this is a game, he wont move out of the house, he works and still will not take care of the household, our home is in foreclosure, I was a foster mom, earning income that way, soon as the divorce came about the children was removed from my home.

Know he feels like i need him and smurking about it. He is so inmature, he rented a room to his best friend might I add is a female, to help pay only utilities, he saves his money and brag to me every chance he gets he is going to buy himself a home, the home we are in is in my name, know my credit is ruinned and all he can do is laugh and brag about the money he is saving in the home so he can move. I have seen him be a better person to this roomate than he has been to me in 10years. It really hurts me to see this and to know how he still threat me. I want to kick him and her out but I have no income to even pay the utilities. I feel so depressed and hurt and wish it was a way for him to get out of my life and let me move on. For the sake of my son, I do not have the gutts to have him thrown out. So, I just put up with it. This is a terrible situation for me and I really need some advise and help to get courage to get rid of him. I was always the responsible one in the marriage and always bust my butt to keep everything paid and in order. To see how he is treating me, we I am not making any money is shameful and hurtful, I feel used and that he never cared about me at all. We was married for 23 years. I is so sad......................................     

 
February 23, 2009, 3:43 am CST

How do you balance emotion with your rational mind

I guess I should start from the beginning.  I I've been with my husband for 19.  We have 3 children together.  I know I need to file for divorse but just can't seem to bring my self to do it. 

 

We have faced every type of relationship crisis you can imagine.  Finicial, infeldility, drug addiction and emotional and some time physical abuse.  We were on the brink of bankrupcy.  He had a 3 year affair that I know about and I'm pretty sure he had others.  He has had 3 DUI's.  He has called fat worthless and has told me no other man would ever want me(and in retaliation I've called him names and made deragatory remarks about his ablility to provide for his family).  We have both pushed and shoved each other (its been 5-6 years since the last incident, please don't think I'm making light of the seriousness of these actions on his or my part). 

 

I can honestly say that I was not always the perfect wife.   Although, rationally I know that the majority of our problems were not cause by myself.  I didn't cause or ask him to cheat or to use drugs.  Which he used through out our relationship. 

 

I always had to be the rock because if I wasn't my children would have been in a terrible situation. I was always the stable person I was the glue that kept our family together.  I recently told him I wanted a divorse and he moved out.  I was very surprised that he didn't react  badly to that declartion.  Some how in the discussing how the seperation was going to take place I talked my self into a trial seperation (he didn't even suggest it).  I'm not even sure why I talked my self into it.  It's not like he was begging me to stay.  He actually said do what you need too.  So I know this is my problem not his. 

 

How can I bring my self to the next step and actually file.  I know it's what is for the best.  I don't want my daughters thinking that they should take the abuse and disrespect that I have taken for years. Intellectually I know I deserve better even if that means I will live the rest of my life alone.  Here's the kicker I don't even think my heart is all that engaged in our relationship.  I can go 2 or 3 weeks without speaking to him and it won't even bother me.   Is it the idea of divorse that I'm adverse too?  Why can't I just close the door on that chapter of my life and move forward? Why do I feel guilty about perceeding with the divorse? Please give me what ever insight that you may have!  Thank you for your thoughts.

 
February 23, 2009, 9:52 am CST

update

Quote From: lifeisajourney

After reading this post you wrote I am convinced your hubby is an all around abuser. You are doing

the right thing with what you are doing. What I have found out about myself is i am a big time

co-dependent. Not saying you are but maybe you want to look into that. You sound so smart and

by your post  you say you are young. Dont waste your precious life on this drama. I know you wont and

when the time is right you will have a good life. What I forgot to tell you is that when I left my first

abuser I wound up with another emotional abuser. So I dont want to repeat that pattern so I

have to learn how not too.So when you leave be careful you dont wind up with another bad

relationship. Any abuse is wrong and there are many predators out there who seek out loving;

caring; wonderful women such as ourselves. Its so very classic but its like they know we are coming and

believe we will always be around. (NOT). On another note when you say you hope he gets another woman.

I totally get that too. Let me explain. When my ex-husband and I were getting divorced I prayed that

he would get a gfriend cause it let me off the hook. It stung for a while but then It was great. He focused

on her and she became the next victim. I was free and he didnt bother me anymore. its funny cause now after five years of being away from him we sometimes talk and he still has the same gfriend which

I am glad about. i hope he never gets rid of her and visa versa cause he would then think I was available.

Oh; and I was also glad that my exboyfriend got back with his exwife cause it lets the pressure off of me.

my ex boyfriend was a con artist to some extent and was looking to me to save him. No Thanks

So yes; what hurts will make  you stronger. Its hard to see now but in the long run the best revenge

is living well. I am living a nice life now free of all of the drama and all of these energy sucking self

centered selfish people will get their due. Do you believe in Karma?

Oh; by the way my exhusband's relationship with is gfriend is not good. His Karma .

My exboyfriends life with his exwife I know for sure will bite him in the butt. Again.Karma

Keep posting. I love helping out.

with a Hug

I just wanted to let you know that I moved out. I didn't wait for financial help. Thank God for my wonderful friend. She let me move onto her couch until things came together with student loans. Following my gut instinct was the best thing I ever could have done. I am 100% guilt free and man free. I live my life now knowing my worth and my abilities. I am not in another relationship although I have finally figured out how to casually date. I am not interested in anyone who sends up even one red flag. I believe that I have gone from one extreme to the other which is quite fine by me. I love me and spending time with me. I enjoy having the whole bed to myself and watching whatever I like on tv. I, for the first time in my life, am putting myself first. Over the last couple of months my favorite part i think has been getting to know me. I no longer picture who I am through the eyes of others judgements, quite the contray, I am me, this is it, and I am spectacular and personally I don't really care if nobody else sees it. I just love being me.

 

My ex while "trying to get me back" (haha) told me that my standards are way to high and no man will ever treat me as good as I want to be treated so I might as well just come back to him (wow incredible logic there lol) my response to this was then I guess I will be single forever because if that is the best I can do I don't want anything!!! It really amazes me the things poeple will do to try to be lazy and just be given what they want. I will never go back nor will I ever be lonely enough alone that i will ever need someone that treats me less than the greatest thing that walks the planet. Now I do see where I've gone to the other extreme of the spectrum but I must say that I like it far better on this side of the fence than the other.

 

I have taken great pains to make sure that I am not blocking myself out of the world or becoming unemotional because I like who I am I am just way more careful now where I lay my emotions down. The funny thing is it didn't hurt to leave. I have expected to feel sadness or loss or anything really for that matter but when it comes to him it actually ended up being one of the easiest moves I've ever made. I have done more for myself in the last couple of months than I have in the entire span of my life and it feels good to be important.

 

So I want to say thank you so much for the support and the advice. I know I am about to enjoy the best years of my life and I am excited to see what each day holds because you only get one go around and if you spend it miserable then, you will be miserable. There is no excuse good enough if life to be unhappy and that is the choice I makde for me. A good friend of mine recently said "happy people aren't depressed" and this may sound very simplistic, although the fact is it takes people a good majority of their lives to figure it out.

 
March 25, 2009, 9:21 pm CDT

Good for you!

Quote From: susanslb

I was with my husband for 30 years married for 26 1/2.  Right before Thanksgiving he said he didn't want to be married anymore but we agreed to share the house until my youngest was out of high school in 3 plus years.  I later found out that he was on his at least his 5th woman and both my child and I over heard shall I call them sex conversations.

 

I had stayed with my husband for "the childrens sake" even after he had been abusive in many ways.  After hearing his phone sex and telling him it was really inappropriate for a young teenager (even to graphic for me) and he said he didn't care - I finally got the guts to have him leave (unfortunately because of his rage the police had to get involved and ask him to leave).

 

The good news is I feel like I have found myself again something I haven't  felt in at least 5 years.  I love to be in my home, share time with my kids...in that way I haven't felt this great!

 

I feel I am being strong, logical,planning and organizing my future.  My kids are having a really hard time and taking it out on me because I am "the safe one" they are to afraid to talk to their dad like that.

 

My not soon enough to be ex-husband is playing nasty with finances all the while vacationing at least 2 times a month with his girlfriend and spending thousands on phone bills. Meanwhile he reported all our joint credit cards lost/stolen and removed all monies from our bank accounts.  I set some money asside but it won't last long.

 

I feel like I am more / less functioning during the day - because I have to but during the night I am literally having nightmares and waking up with my heart racing and out of breath.  I am becoming more sleep deprived and that is making me not able to function as well.

 

I have friends I can talk to but I really don't want to burden them all the time with my cr-p.  I had been in therapy prior to filing but my therapist (even though my ex admitted to her that abuse had occured) had the - well I'm not sure what words to use on the internet - but she told me that "IF HE REALLY HAD ABUSED ME I WOULDN'T HAVE GONE BACK".  I felt completely violated again and there is NO  way I could trust a therapist again with anything.  Thus my looking for help here...any ideas...I will try anything to get my life on track and to take care of my kids!!!!

 

 

It sounds to me like you are on your way to getting your life back on track....  It just takes time, and it is extremely difficult.  I am just divorced after 23 years, and the past few years for me have been really tough also.  Men can turn into something you'd never imagined once they aren't with you anymore and with someone else.  I am sorry to hear you are having such a tough time sleeping.  I had a really tough time too, and sometimes still do, but I have gottem much more used to being alone now.  I did get on a light medication to help me at least sleep and it helped soooooooo much.  Sleep is so important, and if we aren't sleeping, we basically can't function and when you have kids to deal with also, it's important to be able to function for them.  You might want to think about it.  I think you got unlucky with the therapist.  There are good therapists and not so good ones.  Unfortunately, you probably got one that didn't say the right words to you.  My kids also had a tough time and we went to a therapist for a while, and it helped them and I am still going.  They also took things out on me for a while, but now I think they realize that I was a rock for them, and still am, and dad was a flake by leaving all of us, and going off with his girlfriend.  Kids will see that in the long-run.  All you can do is your best, be there for them if they need to talk, and try to stay really busy and do fun or new things with them, if you cannot afford it, do something cheap and go on hikes, walks, sightseeing, things like that.   My son who was 16 at the time and I got into bowling, and golfing.  I tried to be active with him, and start a friendship that we didn't seem to have before.  It really helped a lot.  Now, we are divorced as of a few days ago, and when I look back on what I  went through the past two years, I really have come a long ways.  I've been working, which I didn't before, I have made new friends, I have done things to help myself get through the mess, and it definitely hasn't been easy but I have done a lot with what I had handed to me.  My  husband left me twice in about a 5 year period.  So I'm pretty used to it by now, but I finally put my foot down and said no more of that crap!  I felt I didn't deserve it at all.  Take care.  You sound like you are on the right track, and just keep doing what you've been doing.  You will get through it too! 
Keep your chin up.
 
March 26, 2009, 2:55 pm CDT

Thinking about it....

My husband and I are not getting along at all. We are young and dumb and got married before we were ready... But I have accepted that. He cant. When I tell him we have problems, he acts like its all about household chores so hell step those up for a bit and then act like nothing else is different.
Hes quite immature and blames me everytime we have an argument.
I do care about him - I think hes a good guy otherwise but hes not a good husband, he makes me a bad wife, and I think I am really just done. I dont see him as the person I married anymore. Which means I am not even really attracted to him anymore. We have both changed and I know that our lives should be headed in different directions.
Knowing how he reacts to fights, let alone the actual breakup - I dont know how to bring it up. Last weekend I told him I was at the end of my rope, and though hes been doing his chores for ONCE, he is still acting like everything is fine, and will act shocked when the real convo happens.
Is there any way to cushion it for him? He doesnt really have a place to go or money to go anywhere... so I feel like he is going to take it as me doing something negative TO him. Like Im trying to hurt him by wanting a split. I really dont want to hurt him and I dont want to head off a nasty divorce. I just want him to see it the way that I do, that it has just run its course and theres nothing either of us can do....

Any advice from anyone whos been through this?
Thanks.
 
March 29, 2009, 12:45 pm CDT

Just Thought I'd Share

I was just trolling the web late last night and I came across this site.

http://www.imnevergettingmarried.com

Pretty good actually. I thought my divorce was out there, but some of these stories take the cake! Check it out, its been helping me cope.
 
March 29, 2009, 2:06 pm CDT

Need Adice-Newbie

Well my ex just got served papers last week and we have been apart for 4 years. He left me for another woman younger than me but since then has a new gf and another child with this woman. Let me tell you a bit about our history.

 

We were married for 10 years and the both of us had our own business half hour from where we live. Even though we both worked together here he was the one who went to start up the business and I stayed working here and taking care of the kids. As time went on he seemed different like getting into country music, going to work all clean shaven, cologne and he even was late the one year to my parents house with a new sweater on. I found a long piece of blonde hair and said to him "oh so thats why your late" he became different around my family and didn't even want to participate much in family events and when he did his face looked sour.  After so long of him denying the cheating he finally told me but thats not all. He left me two weeks before Christmas, I just found out my mom had cancer and I was one month pregnant.

 

He left anyway. Three months later he tried breaking it off with the ow but all I felt was sickness to my stomach and cried all the time. ......he wasn't really there for the pregnancy. When our 3 child was born I found out later that he told my oldest child (8yrs old then) not to say anything about going to the beach....Who does that? Take your gf to the beach while your wife just gave birth.

 

I really wanted this marriage to work. I believe you marry once and if it gets rough you both work on the issue not leave. For me this has been so difficult. In the four years we seperated I have slept with him....and even last month we had sex. I am not sure why I let this happen.  It took soooo long for me to get over him and let alone serve him with divorce papers....He was so calm when he got them and came over as if nothing happened.  He is probably cussing my name behind my back.  He has came over to the house whick is the matrimonal home and he's played the Wii, he'll wrestle with me and the kids but I am trying to get him out of my head for good.

 

One other thing you know how he has a baby with his gf...Well he paint the room in pastels, plays with her alot, everything is so different from when we had our children together.  I just recently put baseboards in my daughters room that went without for years. He never put pictures on the wall or even decorated. The walls were bare and it bugs me to have the kids talk about how "daddy painted the babys room " or bought cool clothes and my kids went without matching baby stroller.

 

How do I ask him not to come into the house without trying to make him mad since it's been like this since he comes to pick up the kids on his weekend? I don't just go over to his place. I need to stop this because the kids get really angry at me when he is here. I need to politey way of telling him to just drop off the kids and just pick them up.  I don't like the fact that I have no privacy...I want to leave my bills and other crap lying around if I want to and not worry about him.  I just can't believe he would still ask me to have sex after I served him. Most men would just get pissed.  I want him to leave me alone. He didn't want me when he had me so how can I tell him ?

 
March 30, 2009, 12:30 pm CDT

In need of support/advice

This is my first time posting, and a little nervous.  My husband and I have been married for 27 years, and together for 33 years.  He has had an affair in our past, and an emotional affair last year.  We have been working through some mistrust on my part, and him  being very confusing to me.  He has decided that it would be best to give each other some space.  He moved out the end of February, and decided that being separated, means no communication.  I am home with 2 adult children, and a daughter that is married and has a baby.  He has decided to not answer any phone calls, emails, etc.  He is someone that none of

us recognize anymore.  This last week he decided to take his ring off, and told my daughter he just could't wear it now.  He definately is enjoying no responsibility, no bills, house, kids (except to text them occassionaly), or to see our grandson for 1 hour once a week.  He mentioned maybe he was a mid-life crisis.  I see it as a reason to be self-absorbed.  Please advise!

 
March 30, 2009, 3:39 pm CDT

Divorce Support

Quote From: pixi007

OMG, I thought I was the only one going through some like this.  My husband left me & the kids just 4 weeks ago.  We've been married for 16 years, and have had what I thought a happy marriage. Therefore I never saw this coming.  It happened so quickly, one day he told me he wasn't happy, (just 2 months ago he told me how happy he was)and the next day he moved out.  He's not having an affair, or drinking or doing drugs.  I honestly think he's having a mid life crisis, at 39.  I too, hope he soon comes to realize that whatever problem he or we are having can be resolved.  But at this point he's telling me there's no chance  of it working.  My 14 year old son, and 9 year old daughter are beside theirselves.  Of course they come to me for answers and I do my best to be honest.  But I suggested they ask their father, he's the only one that can answer "when's he coming home".  Tonight is especially hard because my sister in law has just had a baby, and my husband's family is throwing a huge party tonight that I'm not part of.  My heart is breaking, because his mom was like my best friend.  I'm sorry that we are all going through this, but I'm also glad I'm not alone.  When will the hurt end??

I can't believe what I am reading, I too am going through what you are.

My heart bleeds now, and after 33 years together, and a wonderful family and

life, can't believe he doesn't know what he wants

 
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