Message Boards

Topic : Divorce Support

Number of Replies: 4225
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:52 pm
Author : dataimport
Over half of all marriages end in divorce, but that doesn't make it any less painful for those going through it. Discuss your experience here.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

March 31, 2009, 5:29 pm CDT

Custody Issues

I am in the middle of divorce proceedings. My husband and I have been apart now for over four years. Prior to this, we had been basically living under the same roof, but apart for a year and a half. In 2003, our home burned down and I found out he was seeing a girl in another state. We had a skirmish and I had him put out of the house. We then moved to his hometown, due to his father having terminal cancer.

 

After we moved here, he kept telling me to get out every day and he was still seeing the woman he had been seeing and another one in his home state. He had my oldest son always cursing at me and telling me he didn’t have to do anything I said as his dad had said so and he would do whatever he wanted. He also had my other two sons believing that they didn’t have to listen to their mother either.

 

I decided to start meeting new people online, but wasn’t serious about anyone. My husband and I were cohabiting, but living apart. He was an over the road truck driver and I worked in a convenience store.

 

He had our sons so brainwashed that they wanted to go and live with him and he was having them go against me in every aspect. He also promised them a go-cart if they came to live with him, which they never got.

 

Then my best friend had decided he was moving to the city due to the job situation in this small town that we were living in. Since I was only making $6 per hour and couldn’t afford to live on my own and was being told to get out every night, decided to come with. My ex had decided that he wanted to get out of the town we were living in at the time, also, and told me he would move close by to where I was so we could have joint custody. Instead of moving to the city, he moved to a small town an hour and a half away from here, where his married gf lived, as he thought she would leave her husband. That didn’t work out, he lost his job for being late often and was evicted less than a year upon moving there. The kids told me he wasn’t even looking that hard for another one. I had a job about 40 minutes in the opposite direction of where they lived when he first moved here. It would have made my drive quite long to and from work if I had moved out there and it wasn’t feasible for me to quit my job and try to find work out there as the jobs were extremely limited in that small town.

 

At the time he was evicted, my temp assignment had ended and it took me close to four months to find another job. At this time, my friend that I had moved here with and I had decided to be together as we found that we had a lot in common and got along well. My ex and I had been physically separated for almost a year. We gave them extra food and I paid him child support. He moved back to his home town with his mother who abused the kids. Then later he moved into an apartment. I had told him I was going to take the kids at that time because of his mother, but he told me he would have me arrested.

 

In 2006, my job situation became erratic as I was working through temp agencies so I hardly paid him that year. In 2007, he was fired and again evicted, so my boyfriend and I came up with the money and moved them back out here. However, he again refused to move anywhere near to where I lived and moved over an hour from here, in another small town. My job situation had changed to where I didn’t have to work through temp agencies and found a full-time, permanent job. I have been paying him every month since, except for two times when I had to have surgery.

 

The problem now is he has filed for divorce, which I don’t care about, but he is trying to say I abandoned him and the kids for another man and that my contact with the kids is minimal. He is also trying to get permanent custody. First, he won’t let me take the kids overnight because I live with my boyfriend. I work here in the city and moving clear out there isn’t a wise idea. He is trying to use the fact that I live with another man as an issue. As I stated before, I have been separated from him for over four years. Also, he has a girlfriend now and is in a rush to get me out of the picture so he can marry her. They don’t live together, but she lives a few doors down from him. The kids have told me that they lie on the couch together all the time in front of the them, yet I cannot have my kids in my home just because I have a significant other to whom I live with. My two youngest told me that she is either there or he is at her place when they aren’t at work. He wont allow my boyfriend to even come to the house and spend time with them anymore as they really liked him when he would come and see them with me.

 

He is also going to church now and has been since I moved out. When I used to go to church, he would tell me it was stupid of me to go and that I was going to go to hell anyway. I believe he is going to church for more of an "I am the good one here" statement than anything. He had always played mind games when we were together and was mentally abusive.

 

He has had Division of Children’s Services on his doorstep repeatedly since I moved out. My son has told me recently that he beats on them and screams if they don’t clean the house all of the time. The only time my kids get to do anything fun is when I take them. Their dad never takes them fishing or anywhere really. The place that they live in is a dump and playing outside is dangerous, as there have been gang shootings. He refuses to move.

 

My attorney has said he is going to file divorce against him showing that we are saying no to his divorce and filing for divorce against him instead. It has been three weeks and I haven’t seen any papers. There was also supposed to be a hearing but he had it set back to April. We are also going to try for joint custody as my ex has continuously moved to places that keep me from seeing my kids regularly.

 

My ex also overextends himself and has had his phone disconnected now for months to where I cant even talk to my kids anymore. He has turned our oldest son against me and has had him talk to his attorney. My two youngest sons want to come and live with me, as they are tired of being their dads slave all the time and his constant screaming and hitting them. My ex is also saying that I am a drug addict and alcoholic. I work for a bank and all the jobs I have had since I have been here have required me to undergo drug testing. I have never been a drug user and only drink a glass of wine a few times a year. He is also having our fifteen-year-old son state this.

I don’t think it is fair that he is able to let our 15 year old talk to his attorney. Our 14 and 11 year old that know the truth about how I am aren’t allowed to speak out in my behalf. I have also been told by my attorney that if I leave my boyfriend, it would make it look better in court and that I might get joint custody of my kids. My ex also keeps saying he cant wait to get half of my check, too.

 

Is it true that if I moved away from my boyfriend, I might get joint custody or is it because my ex lives in a small town and I should abide by the rules there? Does a person have to do that? I am not allowed overnight visitation by my ex because I live with my boyfriend. Should I move to where my kids are by myself? As of right now, I don’t think I could afford to do it. I feel as though I would be forced to get a second full time job just to pay him, my car payment, my rent, utilities, and pay for my gas to and from work every day (which would be over a two hour commute). Realistically, what are my chances of getting joint custody? I want to have more time with my kids and I want to do what’s best for them. Should I get DCS involved since he is allegedly abusing them? Would that affect my chances of getting to see them at all if he gets custody? Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Thanks,

Annabelle

 

PS-I got a place in the town where my kids live and are waiting now for the hearing to see what happens. My boyfriend and me might separate.

 
April 1, 2009, 10:54 pm CDT

What to do?

Ok I would really appreciate somebody's opinion on my problem. Im
currently married and have been for 10 months. My last marriage lasted
for 8 years and ended suddenly when my ex wife left me for a co worker.
Im 34 years old and im sick of the games my new wife plays with me. She
is 27 and very attractive. All throughout our relationship she has had
a thing for "seeking" attention of other men...and by that I mean
constantly having several guy friends who have in the past made our
relationship very difficult... She would constantly get text messages
that I thought were inappropriate before we got married but she always
new what to say to me to make me think they were harmless. But after we
were engaged the messages didnt stop...and it was really starting to
hurt me...I was guilty of going through her phone, email... I couldnt
trust her...I just didnt want to go through being left like I was in my
first marriage..but I have always given her the benifit of the
doubt..Then last may we got married and all was well for a few
months...no text no supicious email.. Then in October she was back to
her old tricks...she posted a profile on a social network... I laid in
wait acting like I had no clue what she was doing...It was a nerve
racking week watching her contact other guys and doing some flirting..
Then I had my breaking point...I confronted her about it. And of course
she tore into me telling me I did not respect her privacy and was to
noisy for my own good and didnt trust her...so I left for 3 days and
she begged me to come back that she didnt do anything wrong really..she
said she felt that i was distant and that made her do it...ok so here I
go back but I tell her I'm not distant and she can talk to me about
anything..I married you and I meant my vowels...I would never do that
to you but if this happens again...its over! So the last few months
went by and one night I couldnt sleep I just had a gut feeling that she
was up to it again...I get her laptop and decide to see what she had
been looking at...*******.. go figure...she had been pulling up her ex
husbands profile and that of his new girlfriend as well as some other
guys...I didnt say anything to her I thought well she just may have
been curious to as what he was doing...but I still was a little
nervous...so I began monitoring her email everyday...and then right in
fromt of me was a confirmation to a "hidden email account she had
created...she knew I knew about her email account so she went and
created another...as well as a ******* page...So I knew she was up to
her old tricks again. So I hacked her email and ******* account..she
never has been to good with creative passwords..and in front of me was
letters to two seperate guys... In one of those letters she was talking
to a guy telling him how sexy he was and he looked great since she had
not seen him in a while...she was flirting hard! The letter to the
other guy she asked him to lunch sometime...since she hadnt seen him in
a while.. I lost it...I immediately confronted her and here again she
said they were old friends and thats how she joked with them and again
I was noisy and it was none of my business. I left and thats been a
week ago.. We are married not dating...and is this how a married woman
acts...It makes me look like dirt to her "friends"... I might be old
school but she is sending messages to other men that make it look like
she doesnt take her marriage or me serious.... She has called me a
bunch and I have stood firm...she finaly admits that she screwed up and
her heart is broke without me...and to give our marriage 1 more
chance...I dont know...my trust has been violated so many times....
 
April 2, 2009, 3:53 am CDT

All I can say is WOW.

Quote From: muddycreek

Ok I would really appreciate somebody's opinion on my problem. Im
currently married and have been for 10 months. My last marriage lasted
for 8 years and ended suddenly when my ex wife left me for a co worker.
Im 34 years old and im sick of the games my new wife plays with me. She
is 27 and very attractive. All throughout our relationship she has had
a thing for "seeking" attention of other men...and by that I mean
constantly having several guy friends who have in the past made our
relationship very difficult... She would constantly get text messages
that I thought were inappropriate before we got married but she always
new what to say to me to make me think they were harmless. But after we
were engaged the messages didnt stop...and it was really starting to
hurt me...I was guilty of going through her phone, email... I couldnt
trust her...I just didnt want to go through being left like I was in my
first marriage..but I have always given her the benifit of the
doubt..Then last may we got married and all was well for a few
months...no text no supicious email.. Then in October she was back to
her old tricks...she posted a profile on a social network... I laid in
wait acting like I had no clue what she was doing...It was a nerve
racking week watching her contact other guys and doing some flirting..
Then I had my breaking point...I confronted her about it. And of course
she tore into me telling me I did not respect her privacy and was to
noisy for my own good and didnt trust her...so I left for 3 days and
she begged me to come back that she didnt do anything wrong really..she
said she felt that i was distant and that made her do it...ok so here I
go back but I tell her I'm not distant and she can talk to me about
anything..I married you and I meant my vowels...I would never do that
to you but if this happens again...its over! So the last few months
went by and one night I couldnt sleep I just had a gut feeling that she
was up to it again...I get her laptop and decide to see what she had
been looking at...*******.. go figure...she had been pulling up her ex
husbands profile and that of his new girlfriend as well as some other
guys...I didnt say anything to her I thought well she just may have
been curious to as what he was doing...but I still was a little
nervous...so I began monitoring her email everyday...and then right in
fromt of me was a confirmation to a "hidden email account she had
created...she knew I knew about her email account so she went and
created another...as well as a ******* page...So I knew she was up to
her old tricks again. So I hacked her email and ******* account..she
never has been to good with creative passwords..and in front of me was
letters to two seperate guys... In one of those letters she was talking
to a guy telling him how sexy he was and he looked great since she had
not seen him in a while...she was flirting hard! The letter to the
other guy she asked him to lunch sometime...since she hadnt seen him in
a while.. I lost it...I immediately confronted her and here again she
said they were old friends and thats how she joked with them and again
I was noisy and it was none of my business. I left and thats been a
week ago.. We are married not dating...and is this how a married woman
acts...It makes me look like dirt to her "friends"... I might be old
school but she is sending messages to other men that make it look like
she doesnt take her marriage or me serious.... She has called me a
bunch and I have stood firm...she finaly admits that she screwed up and
her heart is broke without me...and to give our marriage 1 more
chance...I dont know...my trust has been violated so many times....

Please go back and read line #27 down from the top of your message.

 

Anything before that, or after, does not really matter. Its a matter of how long and how many times are you going to try to prove to yourself that she is a good catch.!? 

 

Stop for a minute and look at why you think it is ok to be lied to; why you think it ok for someone to disrespect your marriage; why you are afraid to take control of your life? I think I know why you are afraid to take control of your life, insecurities, fears, feelings of past rejection and abandonment or a very controlling mother........now you very well possibly could be working out your relaitonship with one of your parents, through her!!! 

 

The fact that she takes the blame for making you upset???????  It sounds more like she is bragging, honnestly. Her apologies are not from the heart, they are shaped like a heart, but it is her heart she cares about, not yours. Sorry. 

 

My advice? And I know you are feeling really bad right now.......don't think about if you are going to leave or stay, but start thinking about WHY you choose to be with someone that has potential to do you such great harm???/ Good luck.

 
April 3, 2009, 8:29 am CDT

Confussed

I have been in a marriage for 2 years but been with my husband for 7 years I am 25 years old and he is 27.  We have 2 kids together Gavin age 5 with Asphergers and Ally age 19 months.  My marriage has been broken for awhile and I have been self distructing for some time b/c my husband refuses to step up and take responsiblities for his actions and just ignored my attempts to fix the marriage.  So I have made a choice to move to my moms (but with one place so Gavin can have his things as best he can) but we live in GA now and my mom lives in OR so I am set on going and know that I have to be healthy for my kids and if not then they will not be happy and Gavin having the issues he does and it still being new to me i need support as much as I can get and I just dont have that here with my husband he dosent try to understand Gavin and the way he is all he does is video games and his band and his music club I never even get a break.  He does however work hard and does good at his job with going everyday and not calling in and quiting but just not a family man.  So the advice I would love to have is......Do I have a right to move out there with the kids?  I dont want to take the kids away from him but he is not the best for them and neither one of is healthy he has anger issues and I have an addiction I am trying to over come.  My mom is very happy in her life and stable and knows about raising a child with disabilities and works from home with Paul who is stable as well and they are willing to help me get on my feet and be the best I can for myself and my kids. So please any advice that you can give would be awesome!!!!!!!!
 
April 6, 2009, 8:41 pm CDT

wow thats like my problem

Quote From: kimikomine

Please go back and read line #27 down from the top of your message.

 

Anything before that, or after, does not really matter. Its a matter of how long and how many times are you going to try to prove to yourself that she is a good catch.!? 

 

Stop for a minute and look at why you think it is ok to be lied to; why you think it ok for someone to disrespect your marriage; why you are afraid to take control of your life? I think I know why you are afraid to take control of your life, insecurities, fears, feelings of past rejection and abandonment or a very controlling mother........now you very well possibly could be working out your relaitonship with one of your parents, through her!!! 

 

The fact that she takes the blame for making you upset???????  It sounds more like she is bragging, honnestly. Her apologies are not from the heart, they are shaped like a heart, but it is her heart she cares about, not yours. Sorry. 

 

My advice? And I know you are feeling really bad right now.......don't think about if you are going to leave or stay, but start thinking about WHY you choose to be with someone that has potential to do you such great harm???/ Good luck.

my husband works on the road and im at home with three kids and he always lies to me so i always find out the hard way i really wish dr.phil could help us both ive been married for a little over a year and with him for almost six off n on. n now he wants to call it quits he wont talk about nothing he doesnt even live at home anymore when he calls he complains about everything and the call will last maybe five minutes PLEASE DR.PHIL HELP US BOTH in order for a devorse to be final we have to take marriage counciling and he wont so what can i do or say or just anything it really hurts kids and family well maybe one of us can figure out something so keep in touch pl_mathison@yahoo.com
 
April 7, 2009, 3:39 am CDT

Sorry about your situation.

Quote From: blondechik

my husband works on the road and im at home with three kids and he always lies to me so i always find out the hard way i really wish dr.phil could help us both ive been married for a little over a year and with him for almost six off n on. n now he wants to call it quits he wont talk about nothing he doesnt even live at home anymore when he calls he complains about everything and the call will last maybe five minutes PLEASE DR.PHIL HELP US BOTH in order for a devorse to be final we have to take marriage counciling and he wont so what can i do or say or just anything it really hurts kids and family well maybe one of us can figure out something so keep in touch pl_mathison@yahoo.com

My best advice to you right now would be:

 

Start taking control over your life, mathison.  Dr Phil is not going to be able to help you if you don't start taking measures to try to help yourself as much as possible right now.  If you are a stay at home mom, then you probably can get some kind of assistance to help with finances. Also, make some phone calls to local woman's organizations in the area. If there are none, go to a college and go to the counseling center, or library, or police station. Tell them you need help financially and legally to move forward with your life.

 

Stop looking for people on t.v. to help you.   The person that can help you the most, is standing right in the mirror......You.  Good luck.

 
April 17, 2009, 1:11 pm CDT

Divorce Support

Dear Dr. Phil

 I was wonder if you could give me some advice on how to handle my problem.

My husband and i have been married for 18 years and we have 2 boys 10 annd 8 years old our marriage has not always been the best at times. I got laid off at the beginning of the yaer and last year my husband quit his job to go with a company called primica and not doing well at all we hardly have money to pay bills and i discovered that he was talking to some one else and he told me that he had feelings for this person i have always had trouble telling him how i feel and always didnot do things with him that he liked to do i give him the freedom to alway to what he wanted even if i didnot want him to do it. He told me that he has to follow his heart  he tells me he loves me and will always love me but his heart is not into trying to save the marrige but i want to,and he stays at the office all the time and when he comes home he helps with the boys and once they are in bed he takes off. We are both depressed about the money problmes I asked him if he would think about marrige counsling he said that he would think about it we can not afford to seperate or even divorce right now  Is there any way that i can try to save my marrige

 
April 22, 2009, 7:50 am CDT

Just filed for divorce

I am 39 and married for 12 years.  2 years ago I found out my husband was having another relationship for 4 years, and also that he he cheated on me several times before that.  I know I should have take a decision back then, but I believed his promises.  Now I know he is still with her, even though he denies it.  I am sure he will not change ever, that he is a systematic lier and I don't trust him anymore.  I am having psychological advice, and also Reiki.  We have 2 daughters and I don't want to hurt them, but I will not give them the example of just accepting things that are unacceptable.  This is a matter of dignity.  I am witting here just to express my feelings and to share my story with other persons going through similar situations. Help and words of wisdom are appreciated.
 
April 22, 2009, 6:17 pm CDT

Tough Decision to Make

Quote From: sunshine_mx

I am 39 and married for 12 years.  2 years ago I found out my husband was having another relationship for 4 years, and also that he he cheated on me several times before that.  I know I should have take a decision back then, but I believed his promises.  Now I know he is still with her, even though he denies it.  I am sure he will not change ever, that he is a systematic lier and I don't trust him anymore.  I am having psychological advice, and also Reiki.  We have 2 daughters and I don't want to hurt them, but I will not give them the example of just accepting things that are unacceptable.  This is a matter of dignity.  I am witting here just to express my feelings and to share my story with other persons going through similar situations. Help and words of wisdom are appreciated.

Well, I just want to tell you I am sorry you have to deal with this situation.  It's a very hard thing to deal with the fact that you know your husband is not being faithful  to you,  and it makes you have to make a terrible decision to live a life without that person.  I'd say you are probably doing the right  thing though.  If he has been doing this for 4 years, and you have discussed this before and he still hasn't changed, I doubt he will.  Some men just never learn.  I think they think they can get away with it, but usually they are always found out eventually.  You deserve to have someone you can trust, especially when you have kids.  I have had to make that decision also, amd it was the last thing I ever wanted to face, but after a very long time, I eventually did.  Your life changes in all kinds of ways, but usually for the better, it just can be tough.  Just get some counseling if you're having a hard time dealing with things, maybe take the kids with you also once every couple weeks too.  They need it also, and will be going through a lot of emotions.  I wish you happiness, and good luck, you will be fine, and better off than having someone treat you unfairly.  W

 
May 6, 2009, 8:41 pm CDT

Online Divorce is Cheap and Legal?

Hi,
I have friends online said that online divorce is cheap and is also legal? Is that true? Because I really don't have that much money to hire a lawyer so i really need a cheap divorce. That's the link my friends gave me. My husband and I can't get along anymore. I don't know, he said he has fallen out. Please help.
Here it is: http://www.divorceguide.com
 
First | Prev | 416 | 417 | 418 | 419 | 420 | 421 | 422 | Next | Last