Topic : Divorce Support

I feel you! I am going through a divorce and feel so all alone! I can relate to all your going through. I to gave up all my friends. its a scary thought to think about my future. i was a stay at home mom and now i have to start thinking about what i am going to do for the rest of my life. i do not want the divorce but my husband does. all i do is cry. i keep begging him to take me back and I'm pushing him further away. i just got an apartment yesterday and i cant even walk in. I stood there for 20min at my front door and left. The hardest part for me is thinking about being in that apartment with out my kids or my husband. I truly don't know how i am ever going to get through this!!!!!!!

Wow!  My heart goes out to you, dear.  I know the initial shock of the change is SO hard to adjust to.  There comes a time when you have to realize that NO man is going to make you the women you are already destined to be.  You deserve the very best that life and love have to offer.  This time can be a growing experience for you, if you let it.  I was lost without my relationship and my children for a time, which nearly killed me.  So, I fully understand your pain right now.  I just want to encourage you that you CAN heal from this and move on.

Just curious why you have to move without your children?  I am single with four kids to support, care for and house.  It's hard and every day I struggle with the resentment of being left "holding the diaper bag" so to speak, while my ex scuttles off into the sunset with no responsibility(not even paying a measly $50. per month in child support).  He can work all the hours he wants to and come home to drink himself to sleep.  I, on the other hand, don't have such luxuries.  I have to arrange my work around childcare concerns and I never get to go out for a drink with friends, or see a movie.  There are times when I wish I could move away by myself and have a bit of peace for a time.  Don't get me wrong; I love my kids!   But, I wish I could get a vacation from them once in while!

I think you could use this time in your own place to begin to reconnect with who you are.  And who you were before marriage and kids.  Take some time to write down your dreams for yourself, going back to your early adulthood.  Nothing is beyond your reach, if you put your heart and mind to it!  Dream big and let yourself reaffirm those long lost desires for the things you had hope to accomplish.  Surely you have an identity in addition to being "mom" and "wife".  Find it, and move forward in full affirmation of your potential!

I found, when I did this, that I had married and put my dreams on hold.  So, reconnecting with them and the things I wanted to accomplish has helped me go back to school and get certified as a CNA.  I just passed my licensing exam today!  YAY!   I know that working in healthcare is what I was purposed to do.  So, I'm very happy with my work now.

I know you can begin to reconnect with the passion in you and let that guide you to what work you can do which, not only can support you, but fulfills your dreams for yourself.  You owe it to yourself to make your future what ever you want it to be.  And remember, you are NOT a victim of your circumstances right now! 

I will be thinking good things and sending kind thoughts your way.  Many Blessings,

R

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!

Many others have been where you are and lived to tell of a better day!

And we are all here for you too, so be encouraged.  I believe that HE will NEVER leave us nor forsake us, and He is watching over you today with His love and promise.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.

  Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. 

Plans to give you hope and a future."

Tracy:

In my state, there are several resources available for women in situations like yours. 

First of all, filing for divorce:  find legal aid, or project safeguard.  I went to a clinic sponsored by project safeguard where an attorney gave up an evening to walk us through the entire packet of forms to file for divorce.  They also provided the forms for free, while the court was asking me to pay $20. for packet of papers.  I was able to prepare all my own documentation, with this clinic, and file with a form requesting the court waive all filing fees.  So, it cost me nothing to get my divorce.  My ex had to pay the court appointed investigator $1000.  for them to find that he was unfit to have any sort of custody or unsupervised visitation.  Ultimately, he failed to even show for the final hearing.

Your situation is rather complicated in that the child you are carrying is not your husband's.  Most states require you list your legal spouse as father to the child, if you are legally married at the time of birth, even though both of you know it's not his.  Is the baby's father in agreement with your adoption plan and ready to sign the proper papers when the baby is born?  What about the adoptive family?  Can they help you with housing until you have the baby?

Most states have shelters and some "transitional" housing which is subsidized by the federal government for women and children in need.  Contact your local department of human services for this information.

Don't hesitate to ask for the help you need right now, for your own sake and your baby's.  There is NOTHING shameful about seeking this help when you have been abandoned with a child. 

I had my first alone, with no support from father, who skipped town as soon as he heard of my pregnancy.  Never saw or heard from him again.  You think I would have learned a lesson in this, but I ended up having twin daughters 11 years later from an encounter with someone I met on aol.  Never saw him again, although he still has the same screen name and his profile states he has no children.  He does know about the twins, but insists he had nothing to do with it.  I have survived the past two decades with the children because of persistently seeking the help we needed from any and all agencies in place to provide it.  And I'm not embarrased to say so!  Without that help, we probably would have been sleeping on the street.

The ones who should feel shame are the fathers who knowingly abandoned their own children or refuse to pay court ordered child support.

Please keep us posted here on your situation and any good news to report.

  I will be keeping you in my prayers.  Blessings,

R

So I am not divorced at least not yet but last week I told my husband that I am just not in it any more. I am not in love with him any more and I don't know that there is anything that anyone can do about it. I told him that if nothing else I need some time away from him to think. I hate that line and never thought I would use it but I do I can't think about what I want to do while living with him. But he started crying, I have only seen him cry once before that. We talked for awhile and he said he wanted to try to work on it so of course I feel for it and didn't stick to what I wanted. But while I lay in bed that night all I could think about is how even in that conversation one min he would say something was ok and a min later it wasn't and that is one of the biggest problems I have with our relationship I never know what is ok and what isn't cause he can't make up his mind. So now we have been sitting around for a week and really nothing has changed and I still want to leave.

See we have been married for 7 yrs and have been together for 11yrs since I was 15 yrs old. We now have 2 kids and I can't help but sometimes wish I could go back 7 yrs and do things differently. Over the years I have asked him for things I need emotionaly and he changes for a little bit but before I know it it's like I didn't say anything. What's sad and has gotten us to this place is that I stoped considering my feelings cause it didn't matter what I felt no one cared. I no longer know who I am or what I want except for I want to be the best me I can be, the best mother. My kids are missing out on so much because I am not happy. They are everything to me. It is hard for me to remember that ultimatly I am doing this for them and me. I have never been a selfish person but he has made me have to be. Someone has to put me first, well at least a really close second (my kids are always going to be first).

So how do I pack up our kids and just leave? I don't want to hurt him. I am not a mean person I do anything I can to not hurt anyone. Do I just do it and not look back?

Doesn't sound like you have earned your way out of this marriage yet.  What have you and your husband done to try to fix this relationship?  Have you gone to counseling, have you read relationship books together, talked to a member of the clergy, gone to marital seminars etc ???    If you haven't, then you need to.  When you walk out that door you need to have a clear conscience that you took the necessary steps to try and save this marriage, that you left no stones unturned, that you tried your damnest to fix the issues so that you have no regrets in the future. 

I understand losing youself, not knowing who you are and what you like to do anymore.  Kids change everything and we tend to put ourselves on the back burner for a while.  But you need to take responsibility for that.  You can't blame it all on your husband.  You need to find a balance in your life which includes your husband, your children, your family and friends and your special interests.  It's real easy to blame another person for your unhappiness.  Yes, he should be providing you emotional support but you also need to be your own best friend and take a hard look in the mirror and see how you contributed to the demise of this marriage.  You are responsible for your own happiness and you need to create it.  Walking out is not always the answer.

Before you decide to leave, please commit yourselves to doing some really hard work on this marriage with a therpist before calling it quits.

My h and I have been seperated for 3 years now and I still have strong feelings for him which I shouldn't. He cheated on me and when I was pregnant with our 3rd child and left me for three months....he returned and promised me that it wasfor good...then he left and is with a different woman which he is living with for almost 2 yrs....she is now pregnant and due in a week.  He told me that they thought it wasmenoupause....HELLO it is with her I think he would know if she wason the pill or not. Not sure why he feels like he has to cover up. Anyways he is doing all sorts of things he never did the 13 yearsof marriage we were married.....such as decorating, fixing the bathroom, making a playroom for the kids..He left our bathroom in bad shape and just like that is a changed man. I kept after him to do things and work came before the family. His mom is really religious and now him and his gf are spending the night at his parents house with the kids (it''s his weekend)..I guess it upsets me because I never stayed there during our marriage. How do I get over him...I thought it would be better by now.  What his gf doesn't know is that we are still fooling around and have sex sometimes too. I'm not sure why he would leave and still want to have sex.....

This is so hard and were not even divorced yet.  I talked to him but he says whats my rush and he has no [plans to get married.