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Topic : Divorce Support

Number of Replies: 4225
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Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:52 pm
Author : dataimport
Over half of all marriages end in divorce, but that doesn't make it any less painful for those going through it. Discuss your experience here.

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August 11, 2005, 11:38 am CDT

Why Now?

I have recently written in about filing for divorce.(I have Filed) I had some great advice replied back. But now the situation has gotten worse and weird.  

  

I told my husband that I had filed for divorce on Sunday, my son and I had left the home on Wednesday before I told him, But what is strange is he is all of a sudden acting like he can change and be that person that I thought for so long he was. He keeps begging me to come home and work things out. He is telling me all the words I wanted to hear a month ago when I left for the first time. So why now when I have made up my mind to call it quits for good.  

  

He should know that he is hurting himself more now trying to mend something that is no longer there. I hate to seem so mean to him but never is our marriage have i had this much attention from him. The only sad part is this time I don't what his attention.  

  

If i go back to him, will he stay this way. ( all sweet ) or is this a front to get me back... What shall I do? He says that I should give him a second chance but I feel that I have done too many chances.  

Any advise would help greatly..  

 
August 11, 2005, 11:56 am CDT

2lostnlife

When I filed for divorce 10 months ago, my h sent me flowers, offered to take the family on a vacation, even offered to buy me a new car!  I stood my ground, after 18 years of marriage that turned abusive and him neglecting the children and me.  We still live together while "duking" it out with our lawyers.  He's trying to stop the divorce and is contesting everything.  But I know in my heart that what we have is not a marriage and I realized that my children needed to see a healthyl loving, partnership; and that's not what my h and I have.   My h comes home to a clean house, cooked meals and the children tended to so why would he want things to change?!  I need time away from him to sort things out in my head and heart.  It's really hard and I am sorry that I don't have any words of wisdom other than maybe if you live seperately for a year you will be able to tell if he is sincere about changing or if you are happier not being in the marriage.  Good luck! 
 
August 12, 2005, 12:49 pm CDT

Yes Yes

Quote From: dianevj

My husband thinks or tries to make my think I'm stupid also.  Sometimes I'm sure he is just fishing for info to find out how much I do know.  What a sad thing that it comes down to this.  But research the laws, decide what you want and how you want to proceed and just go for it. Take care.
I know how that works.  But I just sit back and let him think I don't know any better.  But I do, and he actually knows that I am pretty smart when it comes to stuff like that but he also knows I have trust in him but when it comes to this, I don't!  I need to realize that I need a lawyer to handle this. I just didn't want a war or battle.  I want to move on and get it over with and be happy.
 
August 14, 2005, 11:39 am CDT

to all board members

Quote From: lmbelcher

 

You see!

I have just sat and written a long emotional message to you guy's asking for some support and advice, clicked on the post button and nothing, the message never got posted.

Will I ever get the hang of this?

Lyni

  

 
August 14, 2005, 11:47 am CDT

To all board members

Quote From: lmbelcher

 

You see!

I have just sat and written a long emotional message to you guy's asking for some support and advice, clicked on the post button and nothing, the message never got posted.

Will I ever get the hang of this?

Lyni

  

Second try at this. 

  

I am finding that if I log on and write a LONG message that it will not post, just as Lyni describes. 

  

There must be an idle time limit on site now, much as with some ISPs.  If you are writing a long response and not navigating on the site you get logged off.  Then the message will not post and the board always asks for you to log in again. 

  

The best way around this is to use Word or your email to write your response then copy and paste into Dr Phil.  Hope this makes sense. 

 
August 14, 2005, 11:52 am CDT

scooterpi

Quote From: scooterpi

Yes he has been.  4 times.  Shortest one 1 year longest 28 years.  I can't get a straight answer as to why and he says he doesn't know just that she left one day.  My opinion she got tired of the affairs he was having and the drinking.  No single very long in between each marriage.  I have never heard the quote from Maya but I like it also.

  

Gee, hubby just DOES NOT know why his ex left?  More like does not want to tell you.  I think your opinion hits the nail on the head. 

 
August 14, 2005, 12:06 pm CDT

chelli

Quote From: chelli

Ok...Iam going to try this again if it wont post then I am on my own again... 

I have been divorced almost 5 yrs, I have a boyfriend of almost 3 yrs. He asked me to marry him. I already postponed the wedding once. Now i wondering if i should again. He is a great man. The problem is that anytime i bring up wedding plans to him or anyone else he will change the subject to something else. It makes me wonder if he really wants to marry or if he is only in it because he knows I have hopes of being remarried. I know that he loves me. I just dont understand the changing the subject thing... Is this a guy thing or maybe so unsure feeling coming out??? 

  

I am sorry you have not had responses.  Most of us are struggling with this new format and having problems. 

  

Guys do not "talk" about things like we females do, but changing the subject is something else.  Has he been married before? 

  

Why did you postpone the wedding?  This tells me he is not the "great" man you make him out to be.  You did this for a reason and as long as you have ANY doubts do not marry him. 

 
August 14, 2005, 12:24 pm CDT

aba1969

Quote From: aba1969

My ex who I've been with for 4 years (according to him) and I have been separated for more than 4 years now.  During the years of separation we've gone off and on. We have a 7 yrs old child together.  The reason he left was because according to him we always fought and told me I was so insecure with his past girlfriend when he called her to say merry christmas.  He had dated alot. in 2003 was the longest time of getting back together that lasted 3 months. He needed space again (that he is not ready to commit..like marriage) so we again broke up.  After a month he already started seeing a girl who he already know before we got back together.  That was the first time he treated someone like a real girlfriend after me.  They only lasts less than 5 months.  Then he started getting back to me but at the same time he's seeing another girl who he met through a friend.  Then we got back together again and only lasted for 2 weeks or less than that.  I sent him an email telling him that I wanted to move on with my life but he never replied to it.  Then after a month, he started seeing another different girl who I think he already knew the first year of our first separation.  They've been together for 8 months now and I think still growing.  He's been exposing our daughter to this girl already.  I am still upset about this especially that he's been exposing our daughter to her and I know there's nothing I can do about.  I am still hurt that he has moved on with his life.  I don't want to feel this kind of feelings anymore.  I hope that someone here can help me.  I don't want to wonder anymore if he is really very serious with this girl or not.  I also wanted to meet the girl for peace and because he's been exposing our daughter to her but he just ignored my request.  Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  

This on again off again stuff is no good for anyone involved.  Don't do it any more. 

  

Jeff Foxworthy says "I need space" is half a sentence.  The other half is "without you in it".  Makes it easier to persue ex girlfriends that you feel obligated to contact at Christmas. 

  

I think he HAS replied to your email, in actions, if not in words.  You said you wanted to move on and he took you seriously.  The "hurt" will lessen in time.   

  

I strongly advise that you get over "her" involvement with your daughter unless you think she is dangerous.  Unless Dad cuts daughter out of his life contact is unavoidable and you have no power here.  It would be nice if you could meet her on civil terms, but maybe you are not ready for this yet. 

 
August 14, 2005, 1:14 pm CDT

latingirl

Quote From: latingirl

Well it has been a a year and half since my husband and I seperated.  (my doing)  We have two great kids and share 50/50 of them at this time.  We are finally filing for divorce.  We have been friendly towards each other, of course at times he gets angry at me for failing in this marriage.  I did not cheat or anything, I think we just got married too young.  I am still trying to figure myself out.  We have been married 11 years.  I just turned 30 a few days ago, that was a depressing moment for sure.  It seems like I had so much going for me. two great kids, a house, a dog, a marriage and now I have nothing.  I know it's my doing because I left the marriage.  He is a great guy but I felt as if we were roommates more than anything.  I wish him the very best in life.   

Well we are talking tonight about the house and stuff like that for the divorce paperwork.  He is living in the house and has been.  He wouldn't leave, so I had to.  Plus his parents live across the street, his grandparents are on the same street and his sister around the corner.  Let's just say it's a little too close for comfort.  Anyhow, I know I made the choice to leave the marriage.  but he keeps telling me I abandoned the house and the kids and I know he will fight me on the house $$$.  The kids have been figured out, it works out great for all of us.  I never wanted to take them away from their dad so I thought  50/50 was only fair.  I just don't want a huge battle waiting.  I want to be fair and sweet.  He didn't want me to date this entire time, so I didn't.  But it's to the point where, when can I start building my life again?   Should I always feel guilty for leaving my marriage, I tried to leave on good terms.  I know I hurt him, but I think we all still need to pick up and move on and be happy?  I don't know what I am trying to say here but I just have so much on mind lately, I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown.  I am stressed because of money (which was never a problem when we were together, so that is new to me), I get depressed when I don't see my kids very much, I miss having someone (male) around, I just feel like I am in a rut at the age of 30.  I don't want to argue and fight over material things with my soon to be ex.  but I don't want to give it all up either.  I just don't know what to do to get out of this mood  but it just seems to get worse as time goes on.  I know I can be happy but I guess I just need to focus on that rather than all the negative stuff in my life.  

  

  

First off hubby is feeling rejected.  And if the shoe was on the other foot you would too.  Being "sweet" is difficult even in the best divorce situation. 

  

I find it very interesting that your list of assets puts your marriage last.  Even the dog gets better billing. 

  

If you think turning 30 is depressing, you will have real problems with 40, 50 and 60.  Deal with this attitude/depression now.  You cannot toss out your life with each age milestone. 

  

I bet his family was in place when you bought your house.  If they were too close for your comfort a move would have been cheaper and easier than divorce. 

  

I suspect that in some states you could be divorced on desertion grounds.  Your legal counsel knows best about this.  If your name is on the house I do not see how he can keep you from your fair portion, and to fight you on it will only cost everyone money, pain and time.   But people do it all the time.  Could you afford to keep the house?  Does it have sentimental value to him because it is near his family?  Perhaps you negotiate that he keeps the house and you get other assets. 

  

I am not sure why you give him power to dictate your social life.  Were you hoping to reconcile?  I do not encourage people to date on the rebound.  A year after the divorce is soon enough.  Let's face it you are second-guessing your decision and it is stressful at best.  Throw in money woes and kids and the fact that you feel "less than" without a man and you have real problems. 

  

Again you mention depression in your message.  I strongly advise a visit to your doctor for depression screening and possibly a counselor recommendation.  While you need not always feel "guilty" for your divorce, you must take responsibility for your part in it.   

 
August 14, 2005, 1:22 pm CDT

sadmom

Quote From: sadmom

Hi I'm new to the message board and am going through a divorce and custody battle! My soon to be X is falsely accusing me of being an unfit mother and is trying to get sole custody of our child! He was abusive in all ways imagined and wants to make me out to be the bad one when I was there for my child the whole time! 

  

Unfit mother is not as easy to prove as it once was.  Please get legal counsel immediately and do not let hubby bully you. 

 
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