Topic : Divorce Support

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Because reality has set in.  You and son are gone.  He did not think you would do it. 

If this was an abusive situation his "sweetness" would be called the honeymoon phase.  It does not usually last, especially if it is VERY unusual for him to act this way. 

However, his change in attitude could offer you some leverage in the relationship.  Do you have any thoughts of reconciliation?  Then require counseling, perhaps both individual and joint.  It does not have to be an all or nothing situation.  In other words, it isn't come home now or never.  Think about things and do not rush to a decision.  A bit of time apart may help clarify things for you both. 

If the marriage is over do not be bullied. 

As much as I wanted things to work out with my husband and me, I realized that things were never going to change with us. This being the reason I filed for divorce. And now that he acts as though everything could be wonderful, I can not give in to him and feel that love for him again. I know how awful things have been with us and I just know that he says he will be different but I can see right through all of that.  

It has gotten so bad since I have been gone. He comes to see us and never leaves. He follows and checks up on me. I keep asking him to give me my space so I can see my own feelings but it is so hard when I can't get him to leave me alone. In the years we have been married he has never been around this much. 

I can't be any more mean to him. I don't like being rude but he just want take no for an answer. What should I do to get him to leave me alone?  

I just know that it's too late to work things out with us. I have been through too much and stayed around way longer than I should have.  

I like for him to see our son and I like to keep that friendship for the sake of our son but I want him to step out of my personal life. I am so affraid to have any friends or even talk to anyone else because I can't lie to him about what I am doing and I hate to see him hurt. He now says all the great things but now they seem not to even phase me. What do I do? He knows the divorce is coming.  

Boy do I know what you mean.  I am sorry that I don't know all of your situations details, but I can understand and relate to what you have just wrote.  I usually post on the abuse board b/c I have been in an 18 yr marriage that has been all but physically abusive.  Ten months ago when i filed for divorce, my husband seemed to have changed.  He cut back on his work hours and is constantly home.  he is around more NOW than the last 18 years of marriage!  Now that our pre-trial date is two weeks away, he is very hostile towards-basically I am scared of him.  He still lives with us, I have not been able financially to move out with the children and he refuses to leave.  It is very stressful to say the least.  Are you in counseling, reading books/websites to help you through this or attending any support groups?   

Thank you so much for replying. I am lost in this life trying to find out what I want rather than what is right for our family. I know that it is right to stay with him for the sake of my child, but my happiness is what I need now. I can't believe that now he wants to be sweet. Or be that man I wanted a long time ago. we have never been as close as i thought i would be with the man i married. He has been married twice before. I see now why things havn't worked out. Should I give in and give this another chance? I don't think i love him as much anymore because of the way he has treated me.  

He has become .. abusive.. i hate to use that word. He has rased his hand at me a few times. but he says he didn't hit me that he only slapped me.  

My whole attitude has changed being with him. before i ever met him.. dare someone to lay a hand on me. But now i stuck around for him to do it three times. what kind of person have i became?  

I can understand your feelings.  I would like to ask a few questions, why didn't you approve of him playing golf, roller skating, and such?  Was he ever "allowed" to do things he enjoyed? Just because you are married does not mean that you can no longer have a day to yourself.  I see that you say he has no friends, that is either because all he ever did was go to work and come home or he is a bad person.  I don't see you staying with a bad person for 28 years.  I also don't see how you can say you are getting your life together if he is still supporting you financially.  Until you are paying your bills your life isn't together.  (I mean with the assistance of child support)  

You also mention his meddling sisters, If the shoe was on the foot and you were the one that was unhappy and wanted to leave him don't you think your family would tell you to do what makes you happy?  I know all 5 of my sisters would be jumping up and down screaming and throwing a fit.   

You also call your husband selfish.  Why should you stay in a marriage that you aren't happy in.  If you aren't happy then no one else will be happy either.  I am sure you have heard the saying that if Mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy?  That applies to daddy too. 

I apologize if this sounds like a personal attack against you.  I promise you it is not.  I am simply just giving you a few things to think about that it doesn't seem like you have thought about.  (I am telling you stuff that a good friend should be telling you and since I am a friend to everyone I am telling you.) 

Good Luck! 

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why do you have to go back to him to try working things out?  everyone seems to think you have to go back home.  stay seperated, if you filed then you just don't complete it, but don't cancel it, they can put it on hold.  tell him to get his own counseling, you get your own.  let your counselors decide when you do joint counsel, but if someone REALLY wants to change, they show it by doing their own indiv. work.  there is a 12-step recovery group held in churches you can check out at www.celebraterecovery.com where he can learn about changing whatever is his problem. 

If you love him, tell him you do, but that your going to do so from a distance.  no sex during seperation.  a great book is Boundaries or Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud/Townsend, most libraries have it.