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Topic : Divorce Support

Number of Replies: 4225
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:52 pm
Author : dataimport
Over half of all marriages end in divorce, but that doesn't make it any less painful for those going through it. Discuss your experience here.

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August 14, 2005, 1:26 pm CDT

RE: To all board members

Quote From: realgood2u

  

Second try at this. 

  

I am finding that if I log on and write a LONG message that it will not post, just as Lyni describes. 

  

There must be an idle time limit on site now, much as with some ISPs.  If you are writing a long response and not navigating on the site you get logged off.  Then the message will not post and the board always asks for you to log in again. 

  

The best way around this is to use Word or your email to write your response then copy and paste into Dr Phil.  Hope this makes sense. 

Yes, as a safety measure, if you remain idle (not clicking on pages) for more than 20 minutes, the system logs you off. Typing a message is not considered being active but something you can do is every few minutes, click the preview button and then click edit to continue writing. This should keep you logged in. 

  

That's an excellent idea to type your long messages out in another program first and then copy to the message boards posting box. While you're writing, every so often just click on a message link, or a member name, or your profile to keep you logged in. 

 
August 14, 2005, 1:32 pm CDT

2lostnlife

Quote From: 2lostnlife

I have recently written in about filing for divorce.(I have Filed) I had some great advice replied back. But now the situation has gotten worse and weird.  

  

I told my husband that I had filed for divorce on Sunday, my son and I had left the home on Wednesday before I told him, But what is strange is he is all of a sudden acting like he can change and be that person that I thought for so long he was. He keeps begging me to come home and work things out. He is telling me all the words I wanted to hear a month ago when I left for the first time. So why now when I have made up my mind to call it quits for good.  

  

He should know that he is hurting himself more now trying to mend something that is no longer there. I hate to seem so mean to him but never is our marriage have i had this much attention from him. The only sad part is this time I don't what his attention.  

  

If i go back to him, will he stay this way. ( all sweet ) or is this a front to get me back... What shall I do? He says that I should give him a second chance but I feel that I have done too many chances.  

Any advise would help greatly..  

  

Because reality has set in.  You and son are gone.  He did not think you would do it. 

  

If this was an abusive situation his "sweetness" would be called the honeymoon phase.  It does not usually last, especially if it is VERY unusual for him to act this way. 

  

However, his change in attitude could offer you some leverage in the relationship.  Do you have any thoughts of reconciliation?  Then require counseling, perhaps both individual and joint.  It does not have to be an all or nothing situation.  In other words, it isn't come home now or never.  Think about things and do not rush to a decision.  A bit of time apart may help clarify things for you both. 

If the marriage is over do not be bullied. 

 
August 15, 2005, 8:43 am CDT

It Hurts but Love is Not There

As much as I wanted things to work out with my husband and me, I realized that things were never going to change with us. This being the reason I filed for divorce. And now that he acts as though everything could be wonderful, I can not give in to him and feel that love for him again. I know how awful things have been with us and I just know that he says he will be different but I can see right through all of that.  

It has gotten so bad since I have been gone. He comes to see us and never leaves. He follows and checks up on me. I keep asking him to give me my space so I can see my own feelings but it is so hard when I can't get him to leave me alone. In the years we have been married he has never been around this much. 

I can't be any more mean to him. I don't like being rude but he just want take no for an answer. What should I do to get him to leave me alone?  

I just know that it's too late to work things out with us. I have been through too much and stayed around way longer than I should have.  

I like for him to see our son and I like to keep that friendship for the sake of our son but I want him to step out of my personal life. I am so affraid to have any friends or even talk to anyone else because I can't lie to him about what I am doing and I hate to see him hurt. He now says all the great things but now they seem not to even phase me. What do I do? He knows the divorce is coming.  

 
August 15, 2005, 8:56 am CDT

2lostnlife

Quote From: 2lostnlife

As much as I wanted things to work out with my husband and me, I realized that things were never going to change with us. This being the reason I filed for divorce. And now that he acts as though everything could be wonderful, I can not give in to him and feel that love for him again. I know how awful things have been with us and I just know that he says he will be different but I can see right through all of that.  

It has gotten so bad since I have been gone. He comes to see us and never leaves. He follows and checks up on me. I keep asking him to give me my space so I can see my own feelings but it is so hard when I can't get him to leave me alone. In the years we have been married he has never been around this much. 

I can't be any more mean to him. I don't like being rude but he just want take no for an answer. What should I do to get him to leave me alone?  

I just know that it's too late to work things out with us. I have been through too much and stayed around way longer than I should have.  

I like for him to see our son and I like to keep that friendship for the sake of our son but I want him to step out of my personal life. I am so affraid to have any friends or even talk to anyone else because I can't lie to him about what I am doing and I hate to see him hurt. He now says all the great things but now they seem not to even phase me. What do I do? He knows the divorce is coming.  

Boy do I know what you mean.  I am sorry that I don't know all of your situations details, but I can understand and relate to what you have just wrote.  I usually post on the abuse board b/c I have been in an 18 yr marriage that has been all but physically abusive.  Ten months ago when i filed for divorce, my husband seemed to have changed.  He cut back on his work hours and is constantly home.  he is around more NOW than the last 18 years of marriage!  Now that our pre-trial date is two weeks away, he is very hostile towards-basically I am scared of him.  He still lives with us, I have not been able financially to move out with the children and he refuses to leave.  It is very stressful to say the least.  Are you in counseling, reading books/websites to help you through this or attending any support groups?   

 
August 15, 2005, 9:25 am CDT

Why change now?

Quote From: gaktstoner

Boy do I know what you mean.  I am sorry that I don't know all of your situations details, but I can understand and relate to what you have just wrote.  I usually post on the abuse board b/c I have been in an 18 yr marriage that has been all but physically abusive.  Ten months ago when i filed for divorce, my husband seemed to have changed.  He cut back on his work hours and is constantly home.  he is around more NOW than the last 18 years of marriage!  Now that our pre-trial date is two weeks away, he is very hostile towards-basically I am scared of him.  He still lives with us, I have not been able financially to move out with the children and he refuses to leave.  It is very stressful to say the least.  Are you in counseling, reading books/websites to help you through this or attending any support groups?   

Thank you so much for replying. I am lost in this life trying to find out what I want rather than what is right for our family. I know that it is right to stay with him for the sake of my child, but my happiness is what I need now. I can't believe that now he wants to be sweet. Or be that man I wanted a long time ago. we have never been as close as i thought i would be with the man i married. He has been married twice before. I see now why things havn't worked out. Should I give in and give this another chance? I don't think i love him as much anymore because of the way he has treated me.  

He has become .. abusive.. i hate to use that word. He has rased his hand at me a few times. but he says he didn't hit me that he only slapped me.  

My whole attitude has changed being with him. before i ever met him.. dare someone to lay a hand on me. But now i stuck around for him to do it three times. what kind of person have i became?  

 
August 15, 2005, 9:42 am CDT

2lostnlife

Quote From: 2lostnlife

Thank you so much for replying. I am lost in this life trying to find out what I want rather than what is right for our family. I know that it is right to stay with him for the sake of my child, but my happiness is what I need now. I can't believe that now he wants to be sweet. Or be that man I wanted a long time ago. we have never been as close as i thought i would be with the man i married. He has been married twice before. I see now why things havn't worked out. Should I give in and give this another chance? I don't think i love him as much anymore because of the way he has treated me.  

He has become .. abusive.. i hate to use that word. He has rased his hand at me a few times. but he says he didn't hit me that he only slapped me.  

My whole attitude has changed being with him. before i ever met him.. dare someone to lay a hand on me. But now i stuck around for him to do it three times. what kind of person have i became?  

PLEASE check out the abuse board-slapping is abusive and for the wellfare of you and your children, you do not need to be in a marriage that is abusive! It is not always best to stay together for the children, Didn't some Doctor say "children would rather BE from a broken home than LIVE in one"?????  Don't blame yourself, DON'T!  I am urging you to please check out the abuse board, there is a ton of info there and other peoples stories.  YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME OR AT FAULT!  I KNOW it is hard and you are lost but you can find your way and there are people and resources available to help you.  Let me know how you are doing and if I can be of further help to you..............
 
August 16, 2005, 7:32 am CDT

2lostnlife

hey, no one can you what to do, that's your decision but consider this:  how can a father be a good dad if he is abusing his childrens mother? AND children learn what they live.
 
August 17, 2005, 5:58 am CDT

Divorce

Quote From: blueonblue

Five years ago my husband's attitude and behavior changed dramatically after a lengthy business trip requiring several weeks away from me and our children.  No, he did not have an affair (his sex drive decreased gradually over these years), he simply had a taste of freedom and loved it.  He rarely ever travelled on business before this.  We recently separated after he refused to seek counseling either as a couple or on his own.  During our 23 year marriage, we rarely argued and never fought.  He says he no longer loves me and feels he's missing out on something by being tied to me, yet still tries to "share" his travels, social schedule, etc. with me.  I discourage this lately.  He is still a sloppy dresser and looks unkempt so he obviously isn't trying to impress another woman.  He has grown a mustache and goatee thing.  After 10 weeks apart, my life is finally coming together and I doubt I would take him back, but I haven't shut the door on that option just yet.  A part of me still loves him.  There is no other woman involved - he just wants the freedom to do whatever he wants (golf, roller skating, partying, skiing, etc.) whenever he wants.  (He did all these things before but not with my approval.) He no longer has to feel guilty about leaving me at home while he pursues his interests and has to answer to no one now.  He still supports us financially and sees our daughter (13) fairly often.  Our son (he's 19) could care less about his dad.  I have lost a lot of respect for my husband, but over time I am making a new life for myself.  I recently got a part-time job I really like and enjoy the company of some wonderful friends.  My husband has no friends he can talk to, only 3 meddling sisters who encouraged him to leave me if he was unhappy.  His two other siblings absolutely disapprove of his behavior and have told him so.  Is there anyone else who has experienced this with their hubby?  Is there any hope he might come to his senses?  I don't intend to grow old alone, but don't want to give up on a 28 year relationship and then regret it.  Apparently many men do not feel THEY have to honour their wedding vows these days.  I never imagined my husband could be so selfish as to sacrifice everyone else's happiness for his own.  People we know simply cannot believe we have separated because we had such a wonderful marriage.  They also can't believe that he could ever do such a thing to us.  I'd love to hear from other wives who've survived this ordeal. 

I can understand your feelings.  I would like to ask a few questions, why didn't you approve of him playing golf, roller skating, and such?  Was he ever "allowed" to do things he enjoyed? Just because you are married does not mean that you can no longer have a day to yourself.  I see that you say he has no friends, that is either because all he ever did was go to work and come home or he is a bad person.  I don't see you staying with a bad person for 28 years.  I also don't see how you can say you are getting your life together if he is still supporting you financially.  Until you are paying your bills your life isn't together.  (I mean with the assistance of child support)  

You also mention his meddling sisters, If the shoe was on the foot and you were the one that was unhappy and wanted to leave him don't you think your family would tell you to do what makes you happy?  I know all 5 of my sisters would be jumping up and down screaming and throwing a fit.   

You also call your husband selfish.  Why should you stay in a marriage that you aren't happy in.  If you aren't happy then no one else will be happy either.  I am sure you have heard the saying that if Mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy?  That applies to daddy too. 

I apologize if this sounds like a personal attack against you.  I promise you it is not.  I am simply just giving you a few things to think about that it doesn't seem like you have thought about.  (I am telling you stuff that a good friend should be telling you and since I am a friend to everyone I am telling you.) 

  

Good Luck! 

 
August 19, 2005, 11:15 am CDT

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August 20, 2005, 7:44 am CDT

divorce

Quote From: realgood2u

  

Because reality has set in.  You and son are gone.  He did not think you would do it. 

  

If this was an abusive situation his "sweetness" would be called the honeymoon phase.  It does not usually last, especially if it is VERY unusual for him to act this way. 

  

However, his change in attitude could offer you some leverage in the relationship.  Do you have any thoughts of reconciliation?  Then require counseling, perhaps both individual and joint.  It does not have to be an all or nothing situation.  In other words, it isn't come home now or never.  Think about things and do not rush to a decision.  A bit of time apart may help clarify things for you both. 

If the marriage is over do not be bullied. 

why do you have to go back to him to try working things out?  everyone seems to think you have to go back home.  stay seperated, if you filed then you just don't complete it, but don't cancel it, they can put it on hold.  tell him to get his own counseling, you get your own.  let your counselors decide when you do joint counsel, but if someone REALLY wants to change, they show it by doing their own indiv. work.  there is a 12-step recovery group held in churches you can check out at www.celebraterecovery.com where he can learn about changing whatever is his problem. 

  

If you love him, tell him you do, but that your going to do so from a distance.  no sex during seperation.  a great book is Boundaries or Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud/Townsend, most libraries have it. 

 
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