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Topic : Divorce Support

Number of Replies: 4225
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:52 pm
Author : dataimport
Over half of all marriages end in divorce, but that doesn't make it any less painful for those going through it. Discuss your experience here.

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August 20, 2005, 7:44 am CDT

custody

Quote From: sadmom

Hi I'm new to the message board and am going through a divorce and custody battle! My soon to be X is falsely accusing me of being an unfit mother and is trying to get sole custody of our child! He was abusive in all ways imagined and wants to make me out to be the bad one when I was there for my child the whole time! 

let him threaten all he wants.  if you haven't had CPS at your house or Drs report you abusive then he can't just claim this.  there has to be all kinds of proof.
 
August 20, 2005, 7:48 am CDT

marriage

Quote From: chelli

Gee maybe my issue wasnt as big of a deal to anyone else out there, but it was and is a big deal to me. I was married for 9 yrs...guess i needed some advise about not running into something with blinders on...or calming the nerves...just posting my own reply as no one thought it was a big enough issue...thanks for the help... 

Surprised and surprised 

i guess i thought other poeple would have the helping trate that i try to display... 

live well all and heal well 

if anyone wants to do something, they follow thru.  cut your losses and move on while your young 

 
August 20, 2005, 11:29 pm CDT

pregnant, getting divorced, and confused

Not exactly sure what to do or say, never been on here before.  I am in my 7th month of pregnancy and I just filed for divorce.  My husband did not want to go to counseling together and he sure as heck wouldn't go on his own, so I left.  To make a long story short, I dealt with all types of abuse.  I never got beat up, but he was physical with me, just not to the point where he beat me up.  Abuse is abuse.  Most of the abuse was verbal.  He made me feel like I was never good enough no matter what I did for him.  I just couldn't take it anymore hearing that he didn't love me or know why he married me.  He never wanted to talk or work things out the way that you should.  He would say we will work it out and never talked about it again.  I would say, "are you ready to talk about it now?"  and his response was...About what?  So I gave up and walked on eggshells doing everything he asked and trying so hard to make him so happy, meaning I would do anything.  The day I decided to leave for good, he told me he loved me and wanted to work it out for our son's sake (unborn).  I told him that shouldn't be the only reason he wanted to work it out.  I told him that we needed to go to marriage counseling and that was the only way I would stay.  He said he would at that time, but I told him to really think about it and he did, and decided he wouldn't go and so I left.  He will never change.  Now that I have wrote half a novel, my question is, how do I get through this?  How do I get over him and move on...I am carrying his baby.  I still love him despite all the bad, there was good, and I miss it so much and find myself crying over it and wondering if I should have kept trying...then I tell myself no, he needs to change, not me.  I just don't know why I love him after all he has said and done.  I just want to be happy again and I don't know what to do.  I am scared of never  finding myself again.  I want to be a good mom and I know I will, but I just don't know what to do about my ex.  I have never been loved by someone the way I always wished for, the true love that others can see...it just hurts to know that the man I married could care less.  If anyone can help or give advice, it would really help and be appreciated.  I have other issues needing advice on, but I am taking it one step at a time, so I will start with this. 
 
August 21, 2005, 12:22 pm CDT

Well you did the right thing, and I am going to tell you why!

Quote From: shellzie26

Not exactly sure what to do or say, never been on here before.  I am in my 7th month of pregnancy and I just filed for divorce.  My husband did not want to go to counseling together and he sure as heck wouldn't go on his own, so I left.  To make a long story short, I dealt with all types of abuse.  I never got beat up, but he was physical with me, just not to the point where he beat me up.  Abuse is abuse.  Most of the abuse was verbal.  He made me feel like I was never good enough no matter what I did for him.  I just couldn't take it anymore hearing that he didn't love me or know why he married me.  He never wanted to talk or work things out the way that you should.  He would say we will work it out and never talked about it again.  I would say, "are you ready to talk about it now?"  and his response was...About what?  So I gave up and walked on eggshells doing everything he asked and trying so hard to make him so happy, meaning I would do anything.  The day I decided to leave for good, he told me he loved me and wanted to work it out for our son's sake (unborn).  I told him that shouldn't be the only reason he wanted to work it out.  I told him that we needed to go to marriage counseling and that was the only way I would stay.  He said he would at that time, but I told him to really think about it and he did, and decided he wouldn't go and so I left.  He will never change.  Now that I have wrote half a novel, my question is, how do I get through this?  How do I get over him and move on...I am carrying his baby.  I still love him despite all the bad, there was good, and I miss it so much and find myself crying over it and wondering if I should have kept trying...then I tell myself no, he needs to change, not me.  I just don't know why I love him after all he has said and done.  I just want to be happy again and I don't know what to do.  I am scared of never  finding myself again.  I want to be a good mom and I know I will, but I just don't know what to do about my ex.  I have never been loved by someone the way I always wished for, the true love that others can see...it just hurts to know that the man I married could care less.  If anyone can help or give advice, it would really help and be appreciated.  I have other issues needing advice on, but I am taking it one step at a time, so I will start with this. 

Well you did the right thing, and I am going to tell you why! Your husband is an abuser, and an abuser only grows stronger, and the more they are allowed to do, without some sort of intervention, the more they will increase the abuse they do. 

 

You did the right thing because to start with, you do  not deserve to be  treated this way, during normal circumstances, and while pregnant, your baby deserves all the healthy help in development he/she can get! Once the child is born the abuse will more than likely start with the child as well, and then it would no longer be on him, it would be on  your for staying with this jerk. 

 

It sounds like he has no desire to change his behavior, so I would think you need to move on and be thankful that you found out before the birth of your baby, rather than after he settled in and began doing the same to this innocent child. 

 

I hope this helps. Good luck, and keep us posted 

 
August 21, 2005, 12:23 pm CDT

Divorce

Quote From: chelli

Gee maybe my issue wasnt as big of a deal to anyone else out there, but it was and is a big deal to me. I was married for 9 yrs...guess i needed some advise about not running into something with blinders on...or calming the nerves...just posting my own reply as no one thought it was a big enough issue...thanks for the help... 

Surprised and surprised 

i guess i thought other poeple would have the helping trate that i try to display... 

live well all and heal well 

Hey there,  

sorry you felt nobody was paying attention. After reading the details of your question. I think you need to take a longer look at the bigger picture. There are a ton of great guy's who hate the committment that goes with marriage. Buy putting off the plans and always changing the subject, you allow him to not be committed. I waited 3 years and 2 babies later for my husband to marry me. I should of left before the first one was born. For me it came down to having too much time and kids involved. Marriage was and is my only leverage with our children and all the finances involved. So. this is my words of wisdom to you. If he is not jumping to make you his pride and joy and not proude to say this is my wife, find some one that is willing to do that for you. Life is to short to not have that person in your life. Just think someone who is totally crazy about you might just be waiting for you, and you are wasting you time with someone that isn't. 

 
August 21, 2005, 1:17 pm CDT

Thanks for the reply, need other advice...

Quote From: juballl

Well you did the right thing, and I am going to tell you why! Your husband is an abuser, and an abuser only grows stronger, and the more they are allowed to do, without some sort of intervention, the more they will increase the abuse they do. 

 

You did the right thing because to start with, you do  not deserve to be  treated this way, during normal circumstances, and while pregnant, your baby deserves all the healthy help in development he/she can get! Once the child is born the abuse will more than likely start with the child as well, and then it would no longer be on him, it would be on  your for staying with this jerk. 

 

It sounds like he has no desire to change his behavior, so I would think you need to move on and be thankful that you found out before the birth of your baby, rather than after he settled in and began doing the same to this innocent child. 

 

I hope this helps. Good luck, and keep us posted 

I have been told that I did the right thing before, and glad to hear that others out there agree, but there the problem is, how do I get over him and move on and be happy.   How do I get along with him when I know that he is the same person even if he acts different.  He has already called and asked how I was and how our son was.  We are having a boy.  He will be nice and seem different, but then when I mention anything that he assumes is against him or blaming him for something when I am not, it turns into a huge fight.  For example, he got served the divorce papers and freaked out on me that he did not understand any of it and yelled at me and treated me like crap on our phone conversation.  It always turns into a fight and I am left feeling that it is my fault when I know it is not, I still feel that way though.  His mother recently called and I have not returned her phone call and do not plan on it.  She has issues as well.  She still does everything for him like a mother would for her young child, but he is 25!!  That is another thing, he is so dependent on others, and does not know how to do things for himself.  I was pretty much his slave wife, his excuse was that his mother did it for his dad, so why cant I kind of a thing.  He has texted me 3 times now.  One apologizing for the fight about divorce papers, one to see if I was okay and one about how horrible it was that Stoughton WI was hit by a tornado, I live about 10 minutes from there.  I have not responded and I don't plan on it, but I still have to see him in court in 11 days.  HOW DO I STOP LOVING HIM AND GET OVER HIM AND MOVE ON TO A BETTER LIFE?  HE IS THE FATHER OF MY SON AND NOTHING WILL CHANGE THAT, SO PLEASE HELP ME, I NEED ADVICE ON HOW TO DO THIS FOR ME AND MY SON.  THANKS. 

 
August 21, 2005, 2:30 pm CDT

Just like a bad habit, and he is just that, it has it's ups and downs

Quote From: shellzie26

I have been told that I did the right thing before, and glad to hear that others out there agree, but there the problem is, how do I get over him and move on and be happy.   How do I get along with him when I know that he is the same person even if he acts different.  He has already called and asked how I was and how our son was.  We are having a boy.  He will be nice and seem different, but then when I mention anything that he assumes is against him or blaming him for something when I am not, it turns into a huge fight.  For example, he got served the divorce papers and freaked out on me that he did not understand any of it and yelled at me and treated me like crap on our phone conversation.  It always turns into a fight and I am left feeling that it is my fault when I know it is not, I still feel that way though.  His mother recently called and I have not returned her phone call and do not plan on it.  She has issues as well.  She still does everything for him like a mother would for her young child, but he is 25!!  That is another thing, he is so dependent on others, and does not know how to do things for himself.  I was pretty much his slave wife, his excuse was that his mother did it for his dad, so why cant I kind of a thing.  He has texted me 3 times now.  One apologizing for the fight about divorce papers, one to see if I was okay and one about how horrible it was that Stoughton WI was hit by a tornado, I live about 10 minutes from there.  I have not responded and I don't plan on it, but I still have to see him in court in 11 days.  HOW DO I STOP LOVING HIM AND GET OVER HIM AND MOVE ON TO A BETTER LIFE?  HE IS THE FATHER OF MY SON AND NOTHING WILL CHANGE THAT, SO PLEASE HELP ME, I NEED ADVICE ON HOW TO DO THIS FOR ME AND MY SON.  THANKS. 

Just like a bad habit, and he is just that, it has it's ups and downs. It is not going to be  easy because you are used to having him in your life. When those weak days happen, you just need to find someway to remind yourself, of all that he has said to you, and all he has done to you.  

   

You may want to start a journal, writing in it your feelings, and such when he has  treated you poorly. Each time you begin to feel weak about it, go read your journal.  

   

He sounds like a Mama's boy and he needs a mother, not a wife, with what you have shared with us. I would bet he treats his mother similar to that, and has her stepping and fetching as well. Like the good doctor says, a child would rather be from a broken home, than to live in one. This you need to keep reminding yourself. Your children are going to be better off not living in a household where the yelling and putting down always takes place. Don't give in to wanting to use your children as an excuse to get back with this abuser.  

   

Time heals most wounds, and this too shall pass. At the present your husband has beaten you down enough to cause your self esteem to be Nil. You need to focus on building it back up, until you realize you are worth more than to allow any person to treat you this way. Like all abusers do, he is willing to say or do anything to get you back, and within a very short time, he would be back to doing the same things all over again. IF he truly wants to change, he would be willing to go into therapy without you,  to get himself some help. I would bet good money that he would not be willing to do that without you, wanting to convince you that he would do it "with you" as doing it without you, he does not have the control he so desperately needs . Stand your ground girl, and in time, you will meet someone that will love you for you, and not want to crush you and make you their whipping post. This will come, and remember, good things come to those that wait. You are going to have to learn patience, at the same time you learn you are a wonderful person, that along with your children, deserve only the best!  

   

Again, good luck, and I hope this helps. Don't give in, and don't give up. You have one person out here that has faith in you, and your ability to stay strong, and in those weak moments, again go back to the journal, and remind yourself what you have had to live like.  

 
August 21, 2005, 4:34 pm CDT

I appreciate your advice...

Quote From: juballl

Just like a bad habit, and he is just that, it has it's ups and downs. It is not going to be  easy because you are used to having him in your life. When those weak days happen, you just need to find someway to remind yourself, of all that he has said to you, and all he has done to you.  

   

You may want to start a journal, writing in it your feelings, and such when he has  treated you poorly. Each time you begin to feel weak about it, go read your journal.  

   

He sounds like a Mama's boy and he needs a mother, not a wife, with what you have shared with us. I would bet he treats his mother similar to that, and has her stepping and fetching as well. Like the good doctor says, a child would rather be from a broken home, than to live in one. This you need to keep reminding yourself. Your children are going to be better off not living in a household where the yelling and putting down always takes place. Don't give in to wanting to use your children as an excuse to get back with this abuser.  

   

Time heals most wounds, and this too shall pass. At the present your husband has beaten you down enough to cause your self esteem to be Nil. You need to focus on building it back up, until you realize you are worth more than to allow any person to treat you this way. Like all abusers do, he is willing to say or do anything to get you back, and within a very short time, he would be back to doing the same things all over again. IF he truly wants to change, he would be willing to go into therapy without you,  to get himself some help. I would bet good money that he would not be willing to do that without you, wanting to convince you that he would do it "with you" as doing it without you, he does not have the control he so desperately needs . Stand your ground girl, and in time, you will meet someone that will love you for you, and not want to crush you and make you their whipping post. This will come, and remember, good things come to those that wait. You are going to have to learn patience, at the same time you learn you are a wonderful person, that along with your children, deserve only the best!  

   

Again, good luck, and I hope this helps. Don't give in, and don't give up. You have one person out here that has faith in you, and your ability to stay strong, and in those weak moments, again go back to the journal, and remind yourself what you have had to live like.  

You are very knowledgable, and I am glad that you replied to my questions, it is greatly and deeply appreciated.  I will take the advice you gave and work at it.  The journal is a good idea.  I often do think of all the bad when I am sad about the situation, but sometimes it doesn't work, but maybe cause I don't have it written down, so I will have to try that!  He is a mama's boy!  He does treat her like garbage too.  I have not heard him tell her that he loves her except for on our wedding day.  Sad huh?  I tell my mom I love her every time we end a phone conversation!  I just wish time would go a little faster so I don't have to feel the way I do anymore! 

  

Again, thank you so much for your help. 

I am sure I will be on again with more questions as time goes on. 

  

 
August 21, 2005, 4:37 pm CDT

Ignore the emote

Quote From: juballl

Just like a bad habit, and he is just that, it has it's ups and downs. It is not going to be  easy because you are used to having him in your life. When those weak days happen, you just need to find someway to remind yourself, of all that he has said to you, and all he has done to you.  

   

You may want to start a journal, writing in it your feelings, and such when he has  treated you poorly. Each time you begin to feel weak about it, go read your journal.  

   

He sounds like a Mama's boy and he needs a mother, not a wife, with what you have shared with us. I would bet he treats his mother similar to that, and has her stepping and fetching as well. Like the good doctor says, a child would rather be from a broken home, than to live in one. This you need to keep reminding yourself. Your children are going to be better off not living in a household where the yelling and putting down always takes place. Don't give in to wanting to use your children as an excuse to get back with this abuser.  

   

Time heals most wounds, and this too shall pass. At the present your husband has beaten you down enough to cause your self esteem to be Nil. You need to focus on building it back up, until you realize you are worth more than to allow any person to treat you this way. Like all abusers do, he is willing to say or do anything to get you back, and within a very short time, he would be back to doing the same things all over again. IF he truly wants to change, he would be willing to go into therapy without you,  to get himself some help. I would bet good money that he would not be willing to do that without you, wanting to convince you that he would do it "with you" as doing it without you, he does not have the control he so desperately needs . Stand your ground girl, and in time, you will meet someone that will love you for you, and not want to crush you and make you their whipping post. This will come, and remember, good things come to those that wait. You are going to have to learn patience, at the same time you learn you are a wonderful person, that along with your children, deserve only the best!  

   

Again, good luck, and I hope this helps. Don't give in, and don't give up. You have one person out here that has faith in you, and your ability to stay strong, and in those weak moments, again go back to the journal, and remind yourself what you have had to live like.  

I had it as happy and I must have clicked on it and bumped the scroll on mouse...so ignore that!
 
August 24, 2005, 11:12 am CDT

Divorce

I have been reading through some of the other messages and I guess I'm not the only one with letting go problems.   I am currently seperated from my husband.  I actually have an order of protection against him - the 3rd on in the 4 years we have been married.  I find myself struggling with my feelings for him and I usually find myself going back time after time.   My husband is extremely controlling.  He needs to know where everyone is and every moment.  There is no communication inbetween us - if I have something to say about anything, I might as well keep it to myself.  But on the other hand I better be right there when its something about him.  I could go on and on about different things - he is just a controll freak because of his own insecurities.   He has been out of the house this time for a little over a month and I have completely consumed myself into a wonderful circle of friends, but I find myself everyday questioning my decisions.  I have children from a previous marriage that are standing strong against working the marriage out and I know that is the only reason I haven't let him back in.   Time is ticking and our divorce date is approaching.  My husband wants me to consider marriage counseling.  He tells me that the fate of our marriage lies in my hands now and that if it is at all important I won't blow it off.   I know in my head that I am making the right decisions, but my heart is killing me with doubt.   Does anyone have any suggestions.
 
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