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Topic : Divorce Support

Number of Replies: 4225
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:52 pm
Author : dataimport
Over half of all marriages end in divorce, but that doesn't make it any less painful for those going through it. Discuss your experience here.

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July 28, 2005, 10:45 pm CDT

Lost and Hurt

I have been with my husband for 13 yrs now. Its been very rocky. I found out after being married for 2 yrs that he was bi-sexual. I really thought I could handle this since he told me that he only liked looking at men, nothing sexual. This has dramatically changed over the years. He is now into the gay sites on the internet and trying to set up meetings with other gay or bi-sexual men. This really scared me so in return I went looking for someone else. Im sure this wasnt the right choice to make. I told my husband several years ago I couldnt deal with this anymore and that I wanted a divorce. He has yet to give me one. We still live in the same house as I am trying to get through college so I will be able to make it on my own. He has been the sole provider for years and likes me being at home. How are you suppose to compete with other men when your a woman? Should one have to live like this? All I want is a divorce so I can move on with my life. On top of him being bi-sexual he is very verbally and mentally abusive. He has me at the point in my life where I just dont feel good about myself anymore. I am lucky to have found this other man. He is my best friend. My mother passed away over 2 yrs ago and I found no support from my husband at all and I truly believe this was the final straw for me. Am I right to want out?

Margaret(macase)

 
July 29, 2005, 7:06 am CDT

Thanks for the reply

Quote From: realgood2u

 

YES, he wanted you to find out because he wants you to be the bad guy that ends things.  And no, nothing makes this easy.

 

You can do lots of talking on this site.  It really helps.  Some folks will communicate on the side also if you are ok with that.

 

Great legal counsel will help you with your worries.  Don't be NICE because you still want him to like you.  He blew that.  You have to protect yourself and daughter.  AAA will take care of that tire.  Worth every penny in my book.  He can pay for that too.

I'm not going to be the bad guy and end things, he has the girlfriend, he can pay for the divorce to be with her. I just want enough money to survive and be able to do things with my daughter.

I found out yesterday that my oldest daughter has already met his new girl, that kinda chaps my butt, I must admit. But what really truely bothers me is that he goes out in the town where all of us live, he is married to me and going all over town with her, I find the very offensive and just plain RUDE! I wrote a letter to my family and had them all set down and read it yesterday. It explained my feelings and invited them (husand and 2 oldest daughters) to ask any questions they wanted while we all sat there and could hear the answers together. My 19 yr old asked him how would it be if I was the one with a boyfriend and he said, "no different than it is now." He lies so bad, if it were me with the boyfriend, I know that he would sit in the carport with a gun, wait for us to come home one night and kill us both. My 19 yr old also told him that she never wants to meet her because she doesn't consider her anything except a home wrecker.

Where do I get the money to go and see a lawyer? Hell just paying my credit card bills and buying some groceries to feed us takes all I have. I am trying to figure this all out!

Thanks for replying.

 
July 29, 2005, 2:17 pm CDT

Yes, hon...

Quote From: macase

I have been with my husband for 13 yrs now. Its been very rocky. I found out after being married for 2 yrs that he was bi-sexual. I really thought I could handle this since he told me that he only liked looking at men, nothing sexual. This has dramatically changed over the years. He is now into the gay sites on the internet and trying to set up meetings with other gay or bi-sexual men. This really scared me so in return I went looking for someone else. Im sure this wasnt the right choice to make. I told my husband several years ago I couldnt deal with this anymore and that I wanted a divorce. He has yet to give me one. We still live in the same house as I am trying to get through college so I will be able to make it on my own. He has been the sole provider for years and likes me being at home. How are you suppose to compete with other men when your a woman? Should one have to live like this? All I want is a divorce so I can move on with my life. On top of him being bi-sexual he is very verbally and mentally abusive. He has me at the point in my life where I just dont feel good about myself anymore. I am lucky to have found this other man. He is my best friend. My mother passed away over 2 yrs ago and I found no support from my husband at all and I truly believe this was the final straw for me. Am I right to want out?

Margaret(macase)

You are very right to want out.

 

The first is that he abuses you verbally/emotionally.

 

The second reason is that he has or is breaking a trust (the "honor" marital vow) by setting up liaisons. 

 

The third reason is that you have broken a trust too by having an affair.  While I would agree that it isn't the best way to leave the relatioship, in cases where you are a victim of abuse, it may be the only way out. 

 

All of these are deal breakers.

 

I suggest that you have a PLAN before you leave.  Your continuing your education should be part of that plan of course -- BRAVO! 

 

Seek that counsel of an attorney, learn what your rights are, get informed.  Knowledge IS power!

 

Be gentle, Q

 

 
July 29, 2005, 3:12 pm CDT

hi macase...

Quote From: macase

I have been with my husband for 13 yrs now. Its been very rocky. I found out after being married for 2 yrs that he was bi-sexual. I really thought I could handle this since he told me that he only liked looking at men, nothing sexual. This has dramatically changed over the years. He is now into the gay sites on the internet and trying to set up meetings with other gay or bi-sexual men. This really scared me so in return I went looking for someone else. Im sure this wasnt the right choice to make. I told my husband several years ago I couldnt deal with this anymore and that I wanted a divorce. He has yet to give me one. We still live in the same house as I am trying to get through college so I will be able to make it on my own. He has been the sole provider for years and likes me being at home. How are you suppose to compete with other men when your a woman? Should one have to live like this? All I want is a divorce so I can move on with my life. On top of him being bi-sexual he is very verbally and mentally abusive. He has me at the point in my life where I just dont feel good about myself anymore. I am lucky to have found this other man. He is my best friend. My mother passed away over 2 yrs ago and I found no support from my husband at all and I truly believe this was the final straw for me. Am I right to want out?

Margaret(macase)

Wow...him being with another man is definatly a deal breaker!! Its amazing that you have tolerated this relationship for 13 years. My advice to you is to make a plan to get out of this marriage. You deserve more then this, you deserve a loving, caring, nurturing partner. Even if your plan must be long term, make it- it will give you something to look forward to, like a "light at the end of the tunnel" for you. Even if you have to have a change of lifestyle, its worth it to be free and happy. I wish you the best. Yes, you are right to want out,  you can never change his desires for other men!

 
July 30, 2005, 4:03 pm CDT

mdearest

Quote From: mdearest

I'm not going to be the bad guy and end things, he has the girlfriend, he can pay for the divorce to be with her. I just want enough money to survive and be able to do things with my daughter.

I found out yesterday that my oldest daughter has already met his new girl, that kinda chaps my butt, I must admit. But what really truely bothers me is that he goes out in the town where all of us live, he is married to me and going all over town with her, I find the very offensive and just plain RUDE! I wrote a letter to my family and had them all set down and read it yesterday. It explained my feelings and invited them (husand and 2 oldest daughters) to ask any questions they wanted while we all sat there and could hear the answers together. My 19 yr old asked him how would it be if I was the one with a boyfriend and he said, "no different than it is now." He lies so bad, if it were me with the boyfriend, I know that he would sit in the carport with a gun, wait for us to come home one night and kill us both. My 19 yr old also told him that she never wants to meet her because she doesn't consider her anything except a home wrecker.

Where do I get the money to go and see a lawyer? Hell just paying my credit card bills and buying some groceries to feed us takes all I have. I am trying to figure this all out!

Thanks for replying.

Sorry if this message comes up twice.  Problems with the site.

 

Family meeting has pros and cons.  Even his children will not bring a cheater to his senses.  Yes, I am SO sure he would have been ok with you having an affair.  NOT  I assure you the story he is telling around town is nowhere near the truth so blowing his family off is no big deal.

 

You do need to protect yourself financially.  Look at nolo.com and findlaw.com for some help.  Some divorce lawyers give a free initial consult.  Go well armed with financial info and questions.  Maybe take someone with you.  I prefer female lawyers over 35.  Two male lawyers I talked to wanted me to just stay. 

 

I suggest yard sales to raise money.  Bet hubby hasn't used those golf clubs in months anyhow.  lol

Or if you have friends or family float a loan.

 

Also sit down and attack your finances.  Order the credit cards from highest to lowest interest rate.  Call the companies and tell them you are having problems but do not want to default and ask if they will lower their rates.  If they want their money they will cooperate.  Then begin paying the minimum each month on all but the highest card.  Put everything you can on this highest rate card. Once it is paid off add that monthly payment to the next card and on down the list till you are out of debt.  Close any joint cards immediately.  I love Suze Orman and her financial advice.  She has a tv show on Saturday nite (CNBC I think), articles in Oprah magazine, a place in Yahoo financial as well as shows on PBS and personal appearances and books.  Look her up.

 

An extreme case would require bankruptcy.  New bankruptcy laws have just been implimented so be informed.

 

Sounds like one daughter is "daddy's girl" and the other is a bit spunkier.  The truth is they will both eventually give in on the girlfriend issue.  Be prepared.

 

If the two older daughters are with you it is time for them to step up to the plate.  They are young and healthy and will follow through if you do not baby them.  If any of my advice angers them, send them to daddy for explanation.  Both girls need at least part time jobs.  They need to cover their extra expenses like car, car insurance, gas, clothing and spending money.  I suggest THEIR cars be in THEIR names and they have their own insurance policies.  Takes a lot of the liability off you if they have a wreck.  My daughter is in college full time and works an average of 30 hours per week.   I know it can be done.

 

Good luck.

 

 

 

 

 
July 31, 2005, 1:00 pm CDT

figuritout

 

Long time, no see.  Glad to see you and mousie are back.  What do you think of new format?  I am about to begin complaining again.

 
August 1, 2005, 5:20 am CDT

Back to old format

Quote From: cityborn

Hi all. I see I'm this first to post in this category.  Maybe the rest of you are disappointed with this format as I am.   PLEASE GO BACK TO THE OLD FORMAT........IT WAS ALOT EASIER TO READ AND NAVIGATE< AND UNDERSTAND !!!!   THANK YOU.

how right you are..I am completly confused.

I posted a message in answer to a message, and I can't find it or when it was..

I just don't like this new format at all..

 

Lost.

 
August 1, 2005, 6:10 am CDT

Divorce

 
August 1, 2005, 6:21 am CDT

Back to old format

 

You see!

I have just sat and written a long emotional message to you guy's asking for some support and advice, clicked on the post button and nothing, the message never got posted.

Will I ever get the hang of this?

Lyni

 
August 1, 2005, 6:25 am CDT

new format

contd.Arrr now I got it!

I click on preview first.

 

I'm not usually this thick, just got a lot on my mind.

 

Hugs to everyone.

Lyni

 
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