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Topic : Divorce Support

Number of Replies: 4225
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:52 pm
Author : dataimport
Over half of all marriages end in divorce, but that doesn't make it any less painful for those going through it. Discuss your experience here.

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May 9, 2009, 12:59 pm CDT

I need some HELP for me and my kids

I DO NOT KNOW WHERE TO EVEN START ON THIS SUBJECT. I JUST WANT TO CRY ALL THE TIME FOR MY KIDS! I have been divorced for just over 2 yrs now (separated for 3YEARS)and  my ex husband and his current wife CONSTANTLY fight with me, harass me, and control everything that I do best for my children! they keep my children from me whenever they feel like doing so!!!!!! AND theres nothing I can do except to get  an attorney that will do whats right. They have went against the court order on everything in it!  I  CANNOT afford another attorney. The 2 that I did have, didnt fight for me and my children. To me this is a war about LOVE (for my children)and to him it'sa war about HATE (towards me).  I think to myself, how can this stop??!  There is so much more to my situation to even put on the computer! The lawyer I need and want for my children is too much money, but he's very good. I NEED to get my story told.

 
May 9, 2009, 1:05 pm CDT

I dont know

Quote From: briandg

Hi,
I have friends online said that online divorce is cheap and is also legal? Is that true? Because I really don't have that much money to hire a lawyer so i really need a cheap divorce. That's the link my friends gave me. My husband and I can't get along anymore. I don't know, he said he has fallen out. Please help.
Here it is: http://www.divorceguide.com
There are dissolutions that are cheaper than a divorce. If you get along to be able to agree on stuff. If you have children, I'm not for sure if a dissolution or a divorce would be best.
 
May 14, 2009, 10:22 pm CDT

fear fo rmy life and my children's

My exhusband baited me into letting me believe he was going to let me pick up my children this past Tuesday evening instead of my Wednesday since I was having a minor surgery on Wed.  I took a friend with me for a witness. My ex husband came to my car yelling, spitting at me and about poked me in my face with his finger. Then he got into his truck, put in reverse and slammed it into my car while being parked in his driveway!! I AM SCARED and have been for the last 3 1/2 years when I pick up and drop off my children! I need help!! Please.
 
July 1, 2009, 9:13 pm CDT

Divorce Support

Quote From: candacegil

Wow--you just gave me chills!  My life is almost parallel to yours right now.  Just had our 11th anniversary this weekend.  My husband has just moved out and although he says he's trying to work on our marriage--I just got our cell phone bill and he's talking to this woman from work--almost every night.  I wonder as you do--does he want me to find out and get angry, each time I mention that obviously our marriage is over he gets angry with me and says that he's not ready to say that.  He's kept me from having friends too, so my life has been all about him for the past 15 years--now I don't know what to do without him.  I believe he has depression problems, but he would never admit to that.  I'm not sure which way to go--should I keep spending time with him on his terms and hope that he figures out that he wants our marriage or should I get angry and tell him to leave me alone until he figures this out.  I haven't told him that I know about the cell calls, I feel that if I do I then take away the one thing that gives me insite as to what he's doing.  What confuses me most is he will talk to her either right before or right after he talks to me.  He had told me once they were just friends from work, but with everything going on and him moving out, this "friendship" sure isn't helping us.  I would love to communicate more---how do we get in touch??

Hello.  I have a somewhat similar situation.  I have many more issues that have affected our relationship though.  However, one thing struck me that both of you mentioned that your husbands have kept you from having friends.  I have researched a lot in the past couple years about our relationship of 23 years in September.  My husband, although I don't really like labels, is narcissist and I recently found a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" that discusses Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

Part of the whole spectrum of emotional abuse, etc is control, manipulation, and power.  I have no proof that my husband has actually cheated on me with another woman but he is very blatent in his behaviors of excessively flirting right in front of me which seems to only phase him if I get upset.  If I do get upset, he then turns the tables back onto me saying that if I were 'giving me the attention I need" he wouldn't be doing those disrespectful and unacceptable behaviors as I call them.

 

He has admitted to me that he 'needs' that attention from other women to drive him and his ego.  However, on the same note he tells me that if I'd provide it all for him he wouldn't seek it elsewhere.  Well, this is untrue so it's just another 'game' he likes to play which condones it in his mind as well as takes the responsibility off of his shoulders and puts in onto mine 

 

He went to be with his father in the hospital 1300 miles away last Feb and stayed at his dad's side for 2 months after a surgery on his back went bad and left him paralyzed from the waist down at age 62.  I did support him being there, regardless of him not having worked for the previous 6 months and using our savings which were nearly depleted.  I then saw our cell phone bill, which I had to look over each user since his brother and wife shared the line and I had to figure out their usage and portion of the bill.  One month after being there this number continued to pop up in calls at all hours of the night and early am and all day as well as numerous text messages back and forth.  When confronting him of this the day he got home, having the intuition it was another woman, he had already deleted his call log and texts on his phone but in the same breath said he didn't have anything to hide. 

 

He said she was a nurse for his dad.  He admitted to confiding in her about not only his father's care, but his personal life, his marital issues, children, etc.  No matter how you cut it, this is an emotional affair and crossing the line!  Period!  He broke the trust.  He met with her outside the hospital, went to her son's track meet with her, the casino, etc yet she was married also.  He had made calls to her at 1:30 in the morning and 5am that he couldn't explain until now, 1 1/2 years later saying she worked nights and alternating shifts so he called her 'private cell phone' to check the status of his father the few times he actually did not stay in the room with him at the hospital.  When asked why he didn't call the front desk like normal people, he said it was too much hassle and runaround.  Excuses excuses but tried to justify himself ALL the time and turn it around.

 

Borderline Personality Disorder & Narcissism explains my husband well.  Controlling, manipulating,  attempted to cause issues or create issues with my friends and family (because they were a threat to him since they supported me) and I could go on and on.  If this sounds like anything like what you both are experiencing, I HIGHLY recommend you reading the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells"   My eyes are widely open now and I left him 3 weeks ago for the 3rd and final time.  I am scared, yes, but am going to a Divorce Care Christian-based support group, reading this book, getting support from friends and family and keeping myself busy even though I do not have many close friends where I live, they are 1600 miles away from me, but any friend is better than none and friendships build with time together. 

I will check back for replies and will share any support and/or advice I can.  "Pay it forward" as the saying goes.  I am still in the process of healing and working through things, but I now know I am more important than sitting around waiting for him to decide what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to do it, who to do it with, and allow him to galavant to have his needs met outside the marriage, in whatever form that may be.  I would rather start my own life over again at 43 years old than still be living this way in 43 more years if I'm lucky enough to be alive that long.

 

 

 
July 28, 2009, 1:16 pm CDT

Calling It Quits?

I came across this article on the website, talking about when to call it quit in your marriage.

 

"Dr. Phil believes most people in America are too quick to get divorced. You shouldn't get a divorce, he says, until 1) you have turned over every stone and investigated every avenue of rehabilitation possible, and 2) you have no unfinished emotional business.


Have you gotten help for your marriage? Have you exhausted all avenues of putting your marriage back together? That means everything from reading books or going to a marriage counselor, to speaking to a clergy member and spending time focusing on you and your role in what's going on.

You need to ask yourself:

  • What was your marriage like when it worked?
  • When did it go wrong? Why?
  • Is what you're fighting about worth breaking up your marriage over?
  • What do you want?
  • What is it costing you to be in your relationship?
  • Are you willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work?
  • What are you doing to contaminate the relationship?

Dr. Phil's Divorce Readiness Test:

 

"You know you're ready for a divorce when you can walk out the door with no anger, frustration or hurt. Otherwise, you've got unfinished business," says Dr. Phil. "Unless and until you look each other in the eye feeling peace, no hatred or resentment, you're not ready to get a divorce."

 

Do not make life-changing decisions in the midst of emotional turmoil. Such consequential decisions should not be made when tensions are high. Get on flat ground first so you can look at things more rationally.

 

Ask yourself:

  • Are you still in love with your spouse?
  • Are you hurt?
  • Are you scared?
  • Are you angry?
  • Are you confused?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, you've failed the test. This is not the time to make life-changing decisions. You have more work to do. "

 

 

I completely agree on what is being said. When my husband and I separated less then 3 weeks ago I did not want our marriage to be over. I honestly do not believe that he does either. And I know he can answer "Yes" to at least two of those questions above. I know we have "unfinished emotional business".  But he does not want to try, I asked for a marriage counselor, I have asked for clergy, and he refused all. I have begged and pleaded, and he would be willing to work on things, and then not. It went on for two weeks, until he was practically pushing me out the door. I go to a therapist and she says he still cares. I told him that I was more then willing to work on anything to fix this, as long as I was still married to him and until I had the divorce papers in my hand. He said I would have the paper within a week or two. I still do not have them. He told me to try and focus on hating him and that none of this was my fault. I WANT to make this work? How do you convince someone not to call it quits, when you know for sure there is emotion still there? I am so confused? Please help me sort this out?

 

 
July 29, 2009, 2:37 am CDT

Very good post.

Quote From: butterball12

I came across this article on the website, talking about when to call it quit in your marriage.

 

"Dr. Phil believes most people in America are too quick to get divorced. You shouldn't get a divorce, he says, until 1) you have turned over every stone and investigated every avenue of rehabilitation possible, and 2) you have no unfinished emotional business.


Have you gotten help for your marriage? Have you exhausted all avenues of putting your marriage back together? That means everything from reading books or going to a marriage counselor, to speaking to a clergy member and spending time focusing on you and your role in what's going on.

You need to ask yourself:

  • What was your marriage like when it worked?
  • When did it go wrong? Why?
  • Is what you're fighting about worth breaking up your marriage over?
  • What do you want?
  • What is it costing you to be in your relationship?
  • Are you willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work?
  • What are you doing to contaminate the relationship?

Dr. Phil's Divorce Readiness Test:

 

"You know you're ready for a divorce when you can walk out the door with no anger, frustration or hurt. Otherwise, you've got unfinished business," says Dr. Phil. "Unless and until you look each other in the eye feeling peace, no hatred or resentment, you're not ready to get a divorce."

 

Do not make life-changing decisions in the midst of emotional turmoil. Such consequential decisions should not be made when tensions are high. Get on flat ground first so you can look at things more rationally.

 

Ask yourself:

  • Are you still in love with your spouse?
  • Are you hurt?
  • Are you scared?
  • Are you angry?
  • Are you confused?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, you've failed the test. This is not the time to make life-changing decisions. You have more work to do. "

 

 

I completely agree on what is being said. When my husband and I separated less then 3 weeks ago I did not want our marriage to be over. I honestly do not believe that he does either. And I know he can answer "Yes" to at least two of those questions above. I know we have "unfinished emotional business".  But he does not want to try, I asked for a marriage counselor, I have asked for clergy, and he refused all. I have begged and pleaded, and he would be willing to work on things, and then not. It went on for two weeks, until he was practically pushing me out the door. I go to a therapist and she says he still cares. I told him that I was more then willing to work on anything to fix this, as long as I was still married to him and until I had the divorce papers in my hand. He said I would have the paper within a week or two. I still do not have them. He told me to try and focus on hating him and that none of this was my fault. I WANT to make this work? How do you convince someone not to call it quits, when you know for sure there is emotion still there? I am so confused? Please help me sort this out?

 

Thank you for your post. It is very helpful.  I am divorced now a little under a month. I can tell you, even in the best of worlds, it takes more then 2 weeks; so he is threatening you not being realistic. Don't think he has dropped the idea, I just know in the best of situations, it can take up to 6 months.

 

Of course you both love each other, You spent time together, shared life, believed your marriage would last a lifetime. Of course there is going to be flipflopping. I don't understand what happened so I can't really say more then that without the great possibility of being very off and wrong and I don't want to upset you.

 

Do you think it is possible that you are both going through a change in the relationship and you are being challenged? Having to step up to the plate of what a real committment is? And possibly failing???  Some of our most distressful times in our marriages are the opportunity to grow - growth is usually a painful experience but it means there is movement. Could you both have been a little lax, lazy, unconscious to one another, that you have grown distant from one another? Are you both frustrated and scared? 

 

Most people think being in love will be easy. The real test of love, real love, is the ability to get through the tough spots without bolting out the door. Real love goes like this:  You meet...you like each other....you get intimate and vulnerable.....you feel love for one another......you realize its not all its crocked up to be....the other person "is not who you wanted/though to be".........questions start emerging......this is the opportunity to truly love the person you are with "for who they are" not for who you thought them to be. If you can both get through this amazing realizaton you will come out on the other side, much stronger, and in the future, you won't be shaken by a little inconvenience or ego.  Let me know what your thoughts are....

 

 

 
August 1, 2009, 10:15 pm CDT

LOST

I AM SO LOST RIGHT NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT. MY HUSBAND OF 6 YEARS "TOGETHER 14" HAS MOVED OUT. I DIDN'T JUMP INTO THIS MARRIAGE, IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO KNOW FOR SURE THAT HE WAS THE MAN I WANTED TO SHARE THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH. ONCE I KNEW HE WAS THE ONE, I GAVE HIM MY WHOLE HEART & NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I WORKED THE FIRST 10 YEARS WE WERE TOGETHER BUT, AS WE HAD ANOTHER CHILD & ADOPTED OUR NIECE, WE DECIDED THAT IT WAS BETTER FOR THE FAMILY THAT I BECOME A STAY@HOME MOM. THE LAST FEW YEARS HAVE BEEN TOUGH BUT, LIFE IS TOUGH!  I AM A 34 YEAR OLD MOTHER OF 5, LIFE IS A LITTLE CRAZY! IT GOT CRAZIER WHEN LAST OCTOBER MY HEALTH STARTED TO FAIL. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT, MY COROTID ARTERY IN MY BRAIN SWELLED SHUT, CAUSED ME TO HAVE 2 SMALL STROKES. THE MEDS TO HELP THAT CAUSED ME TO END UP HAVING TO HAVE EYE SURGERY, BACK THEROPY & GAIN SOME WIEGHT. I AM FIGHTING TO GET MY HEALTH & SHAPE BACK! ON THE 28TH OF THIS MONTH I FOUND OUT THAT MY GRANDMOTHER HAS CANCER, ON THE 29TH, MY HUSBAND TELLS ME HE WANTS OUT! NOT THEROPY OR TIME APART, A DIVORCE! ( OMG) THIS HAS BEEN A VERY HARD YEAR FOR HIM & I BUT, IT'S BEEN REALLY HARD ON OUR CHILDREN! JUST A FEW MONTHS AGO MY CHILDREN THOUGHT I MIGHT DIE, NOW THEY FEEL LIKE THEY ARE LOOSING THIER DAD!

ANY WORDS OF ADVICE,

BROKEN HEARTED & LOST,

MOM IN OHIO

 
August 6, 2009, 3:06 pm CDT

Seeking advice

I've been married 2.5 years. Overall, we tend to fight a lot - and it is typically if I bring up something that I have concerns with in the marriage. We went to marriage counseling after the first year due to my husbands long work hours (7 days a week, mainly until 1am) and our lack of communication and connection.

 

I have tried improving communication over the last 2 years - talking about issues of concerns. It usually ends in a fight and he walks out. There are a few areas of concern...

 

1. His lack of wanting to start a family (had said that he wanted to right when we got married, but has since made comments that I would not be a good mother etc.) - it seems to be a different reason each time even when I have corrected things like work travel schedule etc.

2. I typically find out different stories etc. about him when I am out with his co-workers or friends. Things that he would never do in front of me- nothing with infidelity, but definitely flirting with secretaries - they know more about him than I do apparently, excessive drinking (when he is with me he wants to leave the bar by 11pm and barely drinks) etc.

3. Lack of sexualy intamacy - for the first 2 years I tried everything. And, was constantly turned down, claimed he was tired from working a lot of hours etc. Now, I simply feel rejected and can not bring myself to try - he does sometimes but under certain stipulations etc.

 

I'm wonder if I have reason to be concerned? I feel like I am too discouraged/ depressed right now to do marriage counseling, and do not want to go through the hell that is divorce (my parents were and it was bitter). Does anyone have any insight? It's impossible to tell this stuff to friends, because often time my husband is a different person around them - very charming. He is very nice to me most of the time, but the reasons above along with a mild temper make me wonder if I should stick it out for 50 years, or make a different decision while we do not have kids.

 
August 8, 2009, 8:47 am CDT

Here it is-

Quote From: seekingsupport

I've been married 2.5 years. Overall, we tend to fight a lot - and it is typically if I bring up something that I have concerns with in the marriage. We went to marriage counseling after the first year due to my husbands long work hours (7 days a week, mainly until 1am) and our lack of communication and connection.

 

I have tried improving communication over the last 2 years - talking about issues of concerns. It usually ends in a fight and he walks out. There are a few areas of concern...

 

1. His lack of wanting to start a family (had said that he wanted to right when we got married, but has since made comments that I would not be a good mother etc.) - it seems to be a different reason each time even when I have corrected things like work travel schedule etc.

2. I typically find out different stories etc. about him when I am out with his co-workers or friends. Things that he would never do in front of me- nothing with infidelity, but definitely flirting with secretaries - they know more about him than I do apparently, excessive drinking (when he is with me he wants to leave the bar by 11pm and barely drinks) etc.

3. Lack of sexualy intamacy - for the first 2 years I tried everything. And, was constantly turned down, claimed he was tired from working a lot of hours etc. Now, I simply feel rejected and can not bring myself to try - he does sometimes but under certain stipulations etc.

 

I'm wonder if I have reason to be concerned? I feel like I am too discouraged/ depressed right now to do marriage counseling, and do not want to go through the hell that is divorce (my parents were and it was bitter). Does anyone have any insight? It's impossible to tell this stuff to friends, because often time my husband is a different person around them - very charming. He is very nice to me most of the time, but the reasons above along with a mild temper make me wonder if I should stick it out for 50 years, or make a different decision while we do not have kids.

You asked:

"I wonder if I have a reason to be concerned?"

 

You are on a divorce support board, you lay out some very understandable reasons for concern. The reason you asked the question is possibly because you want somebody to talk you out of what you know in your heart to be major marital problems. This is called delusion.

Your first step is to get real with yourself. You have major concerns and they are justified. Deluding yourself will not make them go away, and will not make you feel better about the situation. Delusion only holds off the decision to do something for awhile, that's all. Often, things get worse while the delusion continues.

That's the bad news. Now for the good news- your marriage may be highly salvageable. Getting real about your situation does not mean mandatory divorce! You say that you are too discouraged/ depressed right now to do marriage counseling, and you don't want to go through a divorce.

First of all, Dr Phil advocates that you work your way out of a marriage, which means that you do the things necessary to make sure it's well and truly over, that divorcing each other is a mutual decision and that you both won't be mortal enemies if you do. In other words, there will be no emotional baggage and you part as friends that made a mistake. Divorce, if it comes to that, does not have to be like your parents'.

What I would suggest is that you first get some personal counseling. Talk to somebody about what makes you tick, your dreams, goals, desires, attitudes, etc. I highly recommend Dr Phil's SELF MATTERS and LIFE STRATEGIES. After coming to a deep personal understanding of yourself, you will gain insight into how you contribute to or contaminate your own life. With this understanding will also come knowledge of how and why other people act the way they do.

From here you will be better equipped to tackle the bigger question of your marriage, and whether to go to marriage counseling and how to get your husband to go with you.

Best of wishes to you both.

 
August 9, 2009, 4:53 am CDT

It sounds like he is scared crap.

Quote From: mamadoyle

I AM SO LOST RIGHT NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT. MY HUSBAND OF 6 YEARS "TOGETHER 14" HAS MOVED OUT. I DIDN'T JUMP INTO THIS MARRIAGE, IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO KNOW FOR SURE THAT HE WAS THE MAN I WANTED TO SHARE THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH. ONCE I KNEW HE WAS THE ONE, I GAVE HIM MY WHOLE HEART & NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I WORKED THE FIRST 10 YEARS WE WERE TOGETHER BUT, AS WE HAD ANOTHER CHILD & ADOPTED OUR NIECE, WE DECIDED THAT IT WAS BETTER FOR THE FAMILY THAT I BECOME A STAY@HOME MOM. THE LAST FEW YEARS HAVE BEEN TOUGH BUT, LIFE IS TOUGH!  I AM A 34 YEAR OLD MOTHER OF 5, LIFE IS A LITTLE CRAZY! IT GOT CRAZIER WHEN LAST OCTOBER MY HEALTH STARTED TO FAIL. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT, MY COROTID ARTERY IN MY BRAIN SWELLED SHUT, CAUSED ME TO HAVE 2 SMALL STROKES. THE MEDS TO HELP THAT CAUSED ME TO END UP HAVING TO HAVE EYE SURGERY, BACK THEROPY & GAIN SOME WIEGHT. I AM FIGHTING TO GET MY HEALTH & SHAPE BACK! ON THE 28TH OF THIS MONTH I FOUND OUT THAT MY GRANDMOTHER HAS CANCER, ON THE 29TH, MY HUSBAND TELLS ME HE WANTS OUT! NOT THEROPY OR TIME APART, A DIVORCE! ( OMG) THIS HAS BEEN A VERY HARD YEAR FOR HIM & I BUT, IT'S BEEN REALLY HARD ON OUR CHILDREN! JUST A FEW MONTHS AGO MY CHILDREN THOUGHT I MIGHT DIE, NOW THEY FEEL LIKE THEY ARE LOOSING THIER DAD!

ANY WORDS OF ADVICE,

BROKEN HEARTED & LOST,

MOM IN OHIO

He has to face his fears about his own mortality. He may be running from this truth. It is unfortunate that your health has grown into what it has, but have the faith that the body dictates what we believe to be true. Look at how your emotions and your feelings might be creating some of your illnesses. Our bodies are our best teachers!

 

He is shutting himself out of life. He needs to look this closely And you need to look at how you are feeling responsible and guilty for everything that has gone wrong here. Honestly, I am more concerned with him then I am with you...:)  and I say that in way that means I trust you to be more confident and balanced, then him. Even though its you that feels like you are going out of control. I think you need to find compassion for him, then do what it will take to make sure you are ok and your life and the life of your children's is going in a direction that makes you feel good, that makes you feel happy.  It is unfortunate when someone we love decides they want no part of us, but we have to let that go.There is no pill, no cure, no remedy, to get that person to feel differently then what they already feel. Imagine how difficult it would be if someone tried to change you mind of something????????????

 

I hope my post brings some thougths for you ponder on. Your children will be ok no matter what decisions are made by the adults. The true trick is to keep them feeling safe and let them be children. Kimi

 
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