Topic : Divorce Support

I've been married 2.5 years. Overall, we tend to fight a lot - and it is typically if I bring up something that I have concerns with in the marriage. We went to marriage counseling after the first year due to my husbands long work hours (7 days a week, mainly until 1am) and our lack of communication and connection.

 

I have tried improving communication over the last 2 years - talking about issues of concerns. It usually ends in a fight and he walks out. There are a few areas of concern...

 

1. His lack of wanting to start a family (had said that he wanted to right when we got married, but has since made comments that I would not be a good mother etc.) - it seems to be a different reason each time even when I have corrected things like work travel schedule etc.

2. I typically find out different stories etc. about him when I am out with his co-workers or friends. Things that he would never do in front of me- nothing with infidelity, but definitely flirting with secretaries - they know more about him than I do apparently, excessive drinking (when he is with me he wants to leave the bar by 11pm and barely drinks) etc.

3. Lack of sexualy intamacy - for the first 2 years I tried everything. And, was constantly turned down, claimed he was tired from working a lot of hours etc. Now, I simply feel rejected and can not bring myself to try - he does sometimes but under certain stipulations etc.

 

I'm wonder if I have reason to be concerned? I feel like I am too discouraged/ depressed right now to do marriage counseling, and do not want to go through the hell that is divorce (my parents were and it was bitter). Does anyone have any insight? It's impossible to tell this stuff to friends, because often time my husband is a different person around them - very charming. He is very nice to me most of the time, but the reasons above along with a mild temper make me wonder if I should stick it out for 50 years, or make a different decision while we do not have kids.

You asked:

"I wonder if I have a reason to be concerned?"

 

You are on a divorce support board, you lay out some very understandable reasons for concern. The reason you asked the question is possibly because you want somebody to talk you out of what you know in your heart to be major marital problems. This is called delusion.

Your first step is to get real with yourself. You have major concerns and they are justified. Deluding yourself will not make them go away, and will not make you feel better about the situation. Delusion only holds off the decision to do something for awhile, that's all. Often, things get worse while the delusion continues.

That's the bad news. Now for the good news- your marriage may be highly salvageable. Getting real about your situation does not mean mandatory divorce! You say that you are too discouraged/ depressed right now to do marriage counseling, and you don't want to go through a divorce.

First of all, Dr Phil advocates that you work your way out of a marriage, which means that you do the things necessary to make sure it's well and truly over, that divorcing each other is a mutual decision and that you both won't be mortal enemies if you do. In other words, there will be no emotional baggage and you part as friends that made a mistake. Divorce, if it comes to that, does not have to be like your parents'.

What I would suggest is that you first get some personal counseling. Talk to somebody about what makes you tick, your dreams, goals, desires, attitudes, etc. I highly recommend Dr Phil's SELF MATTERS and LIFE STRATEGIES. After coming to a deep personal understanding of yourself, you will gain insight into how you contribute to or contaminate your own life. With this understanding will also come knowledge of how and why other people act the way they do.

From here you will be better equipped to tackle the bigger question of your marriage, and whether to go to marriage counseling and how to get your husband to go with you.

Best of wishes to you both.

He has to face his fears about his own mortality. He may be running from this truth. It is unfortunate that your health has grown into what it has, but have the faith that the body dictates what we believe to be true. Look at how your emotions and your feelings might be creating some of your illnesses. Our bodies are our best teachers!

 

He is shutting himself out of life. He needs to look this closely And you need to look at how you are feeling responsible and guilty for everything that has gone wrong here. Honestly, I am more concerned with him then I am with you...:)  and I say that in way that means I trust you to be more confident and balanced, then him. Even though its you that feels like you are going out of control. I think you need to find compassion for him, then do what it will take to make sure you are ok and your life and the life of your children's is going in a direction that makes you feel good, that makes you feel happy.  It is unfortunate when someone we love decides they want no part of us, but we have to let that go.There is no pill, no cure, no remedy, to get that person to feel differently then what they already feel. Imagine how difficult it would be if someone tried to change you mind of something????????????

 

I hope my post brings some thougths for you ponder on. Your children will be ok no matter what decisions are made by the adults. The true trick is to keep them feeling safe and let them be children. Kimi

My husband and I separated nearly 3 years ago and have been divorced for 2. He has 2 daughters from a previous marriage and we have 1 daughter together. My husband was not faithful and he met someone else and decided to go off with her. The breakup was wanted on both sides. He had always been number 1 dad so when he made the comment when he was leaving that he might not have much time to spend with the kids because its about him now I did not believe him.But true to his word he has had virtually nothing to do with them since.He sees them maybe 2 or 3 times a year. All the children came to live with me. The eldest has since moved out and gone flatting. The youngest is having such a rough time with it. She gets into states where she will cry and cry for over an hour and there is no consoling her. She wants answers that I cannot give her and she is too afraid to confront him herself as she is afraid of hurting his feelings. He is a primary school teacher so spends all his days with other peoples children. He has also in the past gone to watch his students play netball on the weekend and our daughter has been there playing herself. I have txt him and emailed him to get him to take her out and answer some of these things for her but he doesnt acknowledge the contact. We arranged counselling and he didnt show up to the 1st 2 and the 2nd one he said he was going to make more effort and hasnt at all. His new wife has mental problems so I wont let our daughter go there as she is violent and it is not a safe environment for her, but I have always tried to encourage him to be a part of her life. I don't know what to do next. My wee girl is broken. She is now 10 years old. Any suggestions would be most helpful

I am sorry for your pain and suffering.

 

It sounds like he is going through an identity crisis. You may want to look into that by reading some material and see if it fits him. If it is, then it is very likely he has been highly stressed and it is now surfacing in this way. Or , it could have been there all along. Possibly a nervous anxiety, or being the kind of person that allows other people to use and maniuplate. He may just be reaching a platau of sorts and it may wear itself out when he gets the help or time that he needs to come back to reality.

 

It does not make sense that a man with such loving attention to his children for so long suddenly breaks away and does not feel remorese or regret. Something is going on.

As for your daughters pain? I know that pain. I cried for 5 years after my dad left. It leaves an unbearable hole in the pit of your heart when someone you love so much abandons you. The only thing you can do is get her into good counseling and allow her to explore the real reasons behind this rejection and not some madeup story that the adults want to dish to her. She needs to understand why daddy does not want her anymore or she will believe she is defective for the rest of her life. Her tears is her heart working out....heart sweat. They are a good sign because she is not keeping it in but the saddness will be with her if it is not handled properly.

 

I hope this helps a little. I am not saying his identity crises is acceptable. He needs to figure that one out. But my question to you would be: did you see that he had these tendancies all along and now that it has turned into this, you are not surprised or.........did you never see these tendancies and are totally blown away  by his actions?

Why does it have to be "all about him?"  It would appear that when he said that to you, you swallowed it hook, line, and sinker. You are still making your life, and your daughter's life, "all about him."

 

He left, you didn't. I can't tell you how I admire the fact that you took all of his kids, not just your natural born daughter, when he left on his selfish path of instant gratification and abandonment of his responsibilities.

Believe me, in time all of these kids will show gratitude to you for this.

In the meantime, I would continue with counseling, but put the focus on you and your daughter, and the other kids as well if they are willing to participate.  If the ex won't show up, that's what you have to deal with and learn to forgive instead of chasing something that will never be caught. You can't change him, you can only change your own attitude and learn how to let go.

Maybe one day the kid's father will want a relationship, and it will be up to the kids themselves whether to allow it or not. Rest assured that they will always remember that you were the one that encouraged him to stay in contact, and that it was he that refused.

hi  i been married for 5 yrs now

 and not happy he use to try to get jobs  but the last 3 yrs he dont even try to look for work and  he dont help me around the home iam working all the time  to keep the bills payed when i come home he dont help clean up he dont  do nothing but sleep and see tv and play on the pc  iam so tierd and i dont want to be married to him any more  but he said i leave him he get me for aliomy can he do this ? plz i like to know  i need some help i really like to know thanks

My husband and I have been separated for almost three years now, He finally filed in June. He recently told me my daughter mentioned living with him. Even though he is a loving father, I am concerned about how she would view herself if she lives with him. She has told me several times he makes degrading comments about women in front of her, stating that " That Woman's Hot and That one is a dog" I know young girls tend to view themselves through their fathers eyes. She has recently had issues with her self esteem calling her self fat when she is not. I am overweight and that may play an issue as well. She has also told me she thanks she is ugly when she is really beautiful young lady. 

 I am also wondering if he wants her so that he doesn't have to pay child support and for tax reasons. He makes very good money as a result he pays alot for taxes. In the filings he stated that she should live with me but we will share custody. He has told me I should make the decision to let her live with him but I just don't feel comfortable because there are other issues that he doesn't know I now about his life style. Also when she goes to visit she sometimes didn't want to go because he was in school and didn't spend time with her because he was always tired, studying or writing papers.

Also he will be losing his job at the end of September and I am wondering if this also plays apart in him requesting her to live with him. The last time the issue came up he told her she had a deadline to to decide who she should live with causing her to have a break down stating it isn't fair she should make the decision. I agree with this. So when I told him what this was doing to her he called her and told her she didn't have to come live with him. And I thought the matter was over. Today after visiting him she is withdrawn and I sense he has brought up the issue again. I don't know what to do. I want the best for her. I am also wondering if she wants to stay with him also for material reasons because he has the capacity to earn more than me at this time. I make good money but with my one income it will be a struggle but I know we will make it.