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Topic : Divorce Support

Number of Replies: 4225
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:52 pm
Author : dataimport
Over half of all marriages end in divorce, but that doesn't make it any less painful for those going through it. Discuss your experience here.

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August 9, 2009, 7:27 pm CDT

Frustrated

My husband and I separated nearly 3 years ago and have been divorced for 2. He has 2 daughters from a previous marriage and we have 1 daughter together. My husband was not faithful and he met someone else and decided to go off with her. The breakup was wanted on both sides. He had always been number 1 dad so when he made the comment when he was leaving that he might not have much time to spend with the kids because its about him now I did not believe him.But true to his word he has had virtually nothing to do with them since.He sees them maybe 2 or 3 times a year. All the children came to live with me. The eldest has since moved out and gone flatting. The youngest is having such a rough time with it. She gets into states where she will cry and cry for over an hour and there is no consoling her. She wants answers that I cannot give her and she is too afraid to confront him herself as she is afraid of hurting his feelings. He is a primary school teacher so spends all his days with other peoples children. He has also in the past gone to watch his students play netball on the weekend and our daughter has been there playing herself. I have txt him and emailed him to get him to take her out and answer some of these things for her but he doesnt acknowledge the contact. We arranged counselling and he didnt show up to the 1st 2 and the 2nd one he said he was going to make more effort and hasnt at all. His new wife has mental problems so I wont let our daughter go there as she is violent and it is not a safe environment for her, but I have always tried to encourage him to be a part of her life. I don't know what to do next. My wee girl is broken. She is now 10 years old. Any suggestions would be most helpful
 
August 10, 2009, 3:55 am CDT

Hello.

Quote From: swifty4

My husband and I separated nearly 3 years ago and have been divorced for 2. He has 2 daughters from a previous marriage and we have 1 daughter together. My husband was not faithful and he met someone else and decided to go off with her. The breakup was wanted on both sides. He had always been number 1 dad so when he made the comment when he was leaving that he might not have much time to spend with the kids because its about him now I did not believe him.But true to his word he has had virtually nothing to do with them since.He sees them maybe 2 or 3 times a year. All the children came to live with me. The eldest has since moved out and gone flatting. The youngest is having such a rough time with it. She gets into states where she will cry and cry for over an hour and there is no consoling her. She wants answers that I cannot give her and she is too afraid to confront him herself as she is afraid of hurting his feelings. He is a primary school teacher so spends all his days with other peoples children. He has also in the past gone to watch his students play netball on the weekend and our daughter has been there playing herself. I have txt him and emailed him to get him to take her out and answer some of these things for her but he doesnt acknowledge the contact. We arranged counselling and he didnt show up to the 1st 2 and the 2nd one he said he was going to make more effort and hasnt at all. His new wife has mental problems so I wont let our daughter go there as she is violent and it is not a safe environment for her, but I have always tried to encourage him to be a part of her life. I don't know what to do next. My wee girl is broken. She is now 10 years old. Any suggestions would be most helpful

I am sorry for your pain and suffering.

 

It sounds like he is going through an identity crisis. You may want to look into that by reading some material and see if it fits him. If it is, then it is very likely he has been highly stressed and it is now surfacing in this way. Or , it could have been there all along. Possibly a nervous anxiety, or being the kind of person that allows other people to use and maniuplate. He may just be reaching a platau of sorts and it may wear itself out when he gets the help or time that he needs to come back to reality.

 

It does not make sense that a man with such loving attention to his children for so long suddenly breaks away and does not feel remorese or regret. Something is going on.

As for your daughters pain? I know that pain. I cried for 5 years after my dad left. It leaves an unbearable hole in the pit of your heart when someone you love so much abandons you. The only thing you can do is get her into good counseling and allow her to explore the real reasons behind this rejection and not some madeup story that the adults want to dish to her. She needs to understand why daddy does not want her anymore or she will believe she is defective for the rest of her life. Her tears is her heart working out....heart sweat. They are a good sign because she is not keeping it in but the saddness will be with her if it is not handled properly.

 

I hope this helps a little. I am not saying his identity crises is acceptable. He needs to figure that one out. But my question to you would be: did you see that he had these tendancies all along and now that it has turned into this, you are not surprised or.........did you never see these tendancies and are totally blown away  by his actions?

 
August 10, 2009, 8:18 am CDT

Don't buy into his problems anymore

Quote From: swifty4

My husband and I separated nearly 3 years ago and have been divorced for 2. He has 2 daughters from a previous marriage and we have 1 daughter together. My husband was not faithful and he met someone else and decided to go off with her. The breakup was wanted on both sides. He had always been number 1 dad so when he made the comment when he was leaving that he might not have much time to spend with the kids because its about him now I did not believe him.But true to his word he has had virtually nothing to do with them since.He sees them maybe 2 or 3 times a year. All the children came to live with me. The eldest has since moved out and gone flatting. The youngest is having such a rough time with it. She gets into states where she will cry and cry for over an hour and there is no consoling her. She wants answers that I cannot give her and she is too afraid to confront him herself as she is afraid of hurting his feelings. He is a primary school teacher so spends all his days with other peoples children. He has also in the past gone to watch his students play netball on the weekend and our daughter has been there playing herself. I have txt him and emailed him to get him to take her out and answer some of these things for her but he doesnt acknowledge the contact. We arranged counselling and he didnt show up to the 1st 2 and the 2nd one he said he was going to make more effort and hasnt at all. His new wife has mental problems so I wont let our daughter go there as she is violent and it is not a safe environment for her, but I have always tried to encourage him to be a part of her life. I don't know what to do next. My wee girl is broken. She is now 10 years old. Any suggestions would be most helpful

Why does it have to be "all about him?"  It would appear that when he said that to you, you swallowed it hook, line, and sinker. You are still making your life, and your daughter's life, "all about him."

 

He left, you didn't. I can't tell you how I admire the fact that you took all of his kids, not just your natural born daughter, when he left on his selfish path of instant gratification and abandonment of his responsibilities.

Believe me, in time all of these kids will show gratitude to you for this.

In the meantime, I would continue with counseling, but put the focus on you and your daughter, and the other kids as well if they are willing to participate.  If the ex won't show up, that's what you have to deal with and learn to forgive instead of chasing something that will never be caught. You can't change him, you can only change your own attitude and learn how to let go.

Maybe one day the kid's father will want a relationship, and it will be up to the kids themselves whether to allow it or not. Rest assured that they will always remember that you were the one that encouraged him to stay in contact, and that it was he that refused.

 
August 25, 2009, 6:22 pm CDT

not happy

hi  i been married for 5 yrs now

 and not happy he use to try to get jobs  but the last 3 yrs he dont even try to look for work and  he dont help me around the home iam working all the time  to keep the bills payed when i come home he dont help clean up he dont  do nothing but sleep and see tv and play on the pc  iam so tierd and i dont want to be married to him any more  but he said i leave him he get me for aliomy can he do this ? plz i like to know  i need some help i really like to know thanks

 
August 30, 2009, 4:33 pm CDT

Custody of My Daughter

My husband and I have been separated for almost three years now, He finally filed in June. He recently told me my daughter mentioned living with him. Even though he is a loving father, I am concerned about how she would view herself if she lives with him. She has told me several times he makes degrading comments about women in front of her, stating that " That Woman's Hot and That one is a dog" I know young girls tend to view themselves through their fathers eyes. She has recently had issues with her self esteem calling her self fat when she is not. I am overweight and that may play an issue as well. She has also told me she thanks she is ugly when she is really beautiful young lady. 

 I am also wondering if he wants her so that he doesn't have to pay child support and for tax reasons. He makes very good money as a result he pays alot for taxes. In the filings he stated that she should live with me but we will share custody. He has told me I should make the decision to let her live with him but I just don't feel comfortable because there are other issues that he doesn't know I now about his life style. Also when she goes to visit she sometimes didn't want to go because he was in school and didn't spend time with her because he was always tired, studying or writing papers.

Also he will be losing his job at the end of September and I am wondering if this also plays apart in him requesting her to live with him. The last time the issue came up he told her she had a deadline to to decide who she should live with causing her to have a break down stating it isn't fair she should make the decision. I agree with this. So when I told him what this was doing to her he called her and told her she didn't have to come live with him. And I thought the matter was over. Today after visiting him she is withdrawn and I sense he has brought up the issue again. I don't know what to do. I want the best for her. I am also wondering if she wants to stay with him also for material reasons because he has the capacity to earn more than me at this time. I make good money but with my one income it will be a struggle but I know we will make it.

 
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