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Topic : Divorce Support

Number of Replies: 4346
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:52 pm
Author : dataimport
Over half of all marriages end in divorce, but that doesn't make it any less painful for those going through it. Discuss your experience here.

 
cahomesick
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November 25, 2005, 7:32 am PST

what do i do??

My husband and I have been married for a little over 4 yrs.  I was about 7 months pregnant when we got married.  And at that time, I had doubts about it (the marriage), but went through with it anyway, since I thought it was the best thing to do for the baby, and I figured things would work out.  And now, years later, and after a second child, I still can honestly say that I am not in love with my husband.  The sad part is, he loves me so much, thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, and would do anything for me.  What woman wouldn't want that?? So now I'm torn between staying with him for the sake of our children, even if it means I wouldn't be happy, or leaving him crushed and angry.  How can I hurt someone who loves me so much??  
 
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optiong
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November 26, 2005, 5:47 am PST

Married 36 years

Quote From: blueonblue

Five years ago my husband's attitude and behavior changed dramatically after a lengthy business trip requiring several weeks away from me and our children.  No, he did not have an affair (his sex drive decreased gradually over these years), he simply had a taste of freedom and loved it.  He rarely ever travelled on business before this.  We recently separated after he refused to seek counseling either as a couple or on his own.  During our 23 year marriage, we rarely argued and never fought.  He says he no longer loves me and feels he's missing out on something by being tied to me, yet still tries to "share" his travels, social schedule, etc. with me.  I discourage this lately.  He is still a sloppy dresser and looks unkempt so he obviously isn't trying to impress another woman.  He has grown a mustache and goatee thing.  After 10 weeks apart, my life is finally coming together and I doubt I would take him back, but I haven't shut the door on that option just yet.  A part of me still loves him.  There is no other woman involved - he just wants the freedom to do whatever he wants (golf, roller skating, partying, skiing, etc.) whenever he wants.  (He did all these things before but not with my approval.) He no longer has to feel guilty about leaving me at home while he pursues his interests and has to answer to no one now.  He still supports us financially and sees our daughter (13) fairly often.  Our son (he's 19) could care less about his dad.  I have lost a lot of respect for my husband, but over time I am making a new life for myself.  I recently got a part-time job I really like and enjoy the company of some wonderful friends.  My husband has no friends he can talk to, only 3 meddling sisters who encouraged him to leave me if he was unhappy.  His two other siblings absolutely disapprove of his behavior and have told him so.  Is there anyone else who has experienced this with their hubby?  Is there any hope he might come to his senses?  I don't intend to grow old alone, but don't want to give up on a 28 year relationship and then regret it.  Apparently many men do not feel THEY have to honour their wedding vows these days.  I never imagined my husband could be so selfish as to sacrifice everyone else's happiness for his own.  People we know simply cannot believe we have separated because we had such a wonderful marriage.  They also can't believe that he could ever do such a thing to us.  I'd love to hear from other wives who've survived this ordeal. 
I had my one and only child 15 years ago. Shortly after my husband began turning his back on me at night. Not so much as a snuggle. I realize now that I gave birth to my own replacement. I was a vessle to carry his child and nothing more. He shut me out. He replaced the pictures of me with those of our son. At one point, he had our bed surrounded with 11 pictures of him. Last October, he told me I was old, fat and ugly and that he could stick it to a 20 year old, but he sure as hell could not stick it to me.We went to see a professional who says that my husband, who is 65, is trying to regain his youth through our son. He has become mean, hurtful and refuses to believe he has done anything wrong. I shoud have seen the hurt coming. He always refused to buy me a wedding ring (even though wewere considered well off) and he refused to wear one. In the mean time, my mother-in-law says he is right, and I am wrong. She says he has every right to live his life in any way he wants, no matter who it hurts. And it has hurt our son. He has been arrested for breaking and entering, grand theft, etc. All while I had moved out to escape the hate and abusive language. My husband allows him to leave the house in the middle of the night, do what he wants, hang out with a bad element and steal and lie with no fear of punishment other than "Didn't I tell you that that is not good to do?"When I asked my husband what would make him happy, he said "A beer and a naked woman standing in front of him." Hate and hurtful behavior are easy emotions for people. They boost self esteem. Selfishness is a part of these emotions.
 
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mongo9038
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November 26, 2005, 2:02 pm PST

ditto

Quote From: cahomesick

My husband and I have been married for a little over 4 yrs.  I was about 7 months pregnant when we got married.  And at that time, I had doubts about it (the marriage), but went through with it anyway, since I thought it was the best thing to do for the baby, and I figured things would work out.  And now, years later, and after a second child, I still can honestly say that I am not in love with my husband.  The sad part is, he loves me so much, thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, and would do anything for me.  What woman wouldn't want that?? So now I'm torn between staying with him for the sake of our children, even if it means I wouldn't be happy, or leaving him crushed and angry.  How can I hurt someone who loves me so much??  

I too am married to a man who loves me more than life itself, but I do not feel the same for him...it is very sad.  His world revolves around me and our 2 children, but my life does not do the same for him!!  

I was married once before and had just sepperated from my X when I met my current husband, so it was very much a rebound thing...he was everything my X was not, but now I'm not sooo sure.  My husband now is very insecure, jealous, controlling, among other things...I saw alot of signs in the beginning, but I too became pregnant (it was planned), but I wasn't so gung ho on the marriage part, but my family really frowned upon not being married for the birth of our child.  so I did the right thing!! Now I'm not so sure I did the right thing...we now have another child.  I love my babies!!  My husband has a depression problem and is very angry at the world.  He is very verbally abusive to me and my 4 1/2 yr old daughter (my son is only 6 months old).  He continually puts me down infront of my daughter and he gives me very little respect.  He claims that respect is something that is earned.  He was on anti-depressents, but at my 6 month of pregnancy he went off cold turkey...and has been horrible ever since.  I recently gave him the choice....back on pills, or I walk!!!  I don't want to be a single mom and I don't want to hurt my children, but maybe they'll hurt even more if I stay....I'm very confused....I need guidance, but only I can make that decision...you too!! 

reading your message was like looking in the mirror...hope to chat w/ you! 

  
 
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redbird713
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November 26, 2005, 5:32 pm PST

I don't know what to do?

I am 24, and I have been married to my husband for 11 months. We have been together for 4 years, and have known other for almost 11 years. We have a had a pretty rocky marriage. We argued a lot and have been through a lot. He recently moved out and is now living with another woman. How can I try to get him to work this out, I don't want a divorce. He says he doesn't love me anymore, so I should just move on, right? But we were ok 3 weeks ago, so what am I missing?
 
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pooh28
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November 26, 2005, 7:20 pm PST

confused need advise

Okay were to start.....I'm a 28 yr old female with 5 kids married for about5 yrs now.Married for wrong reasons to begin with and have struggled to make it this far.but have. H and I have always had a diff of opinion on kids he dont interact with them much at all we have a 3 yr old together and he has a 12 yr old daughter and 25 yr old son. but i have come to accept that i guess. about a yr ago he lost his job due to drugs that he told me he was not doing anymore, now he has a job out of town out more than in we see him maybe once a month,I am really strugling with doing this alone he down plays my role as a mother I stopped working after last baby was born due to childcare  but i do have a fulltime job with 5 boys okay now i think im rambling ....to the point I am very unhappy I have told him this he says he dont know what else to do we did try mar. coun. after he lost his job but we stoped due to the coun. telling him he had things to work on .He has always thought it was all me. I am unsure if i should settle for secerity or if im just being selfish and want to find love......any ad. would help pls.......
 
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graydown
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November 27, 2005, 10:09 am PST

new to this

I am new to this, and I am not sure what I  am supposed  to do. Is this a place to talk about your problems with others or does Dr. Phil actually read these, who answers your questions? 

Any help on this would be appreciated 

Thank you 
 
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packerfan7
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November 27, 2005, 6:57 pm PST

Mid-life crisis

Quote From: blueonblue

Five years ago my husband's attitude and behavior changed dramatically after a lengthy business trip requiring several weeks away from me and our children.  No, he did not have an affair (his sex drive decreased gradually over these years), he simply had a taste of freedom and loved it.  He rarely ever travelled on business before this.  We recently separated after he refused to seek counseling either as a couple or on his own.  During our 23 year marriage, we rarely argued and never fought.  He says he no longer loves me and feels he's missing out on something by being tied to me, yet still tries to "share" his travels, social schedule, etc. with me.  I discourage this lately.  He is still a sloppy dresser and looks unkempt so he obviously isn't trying to impress another woman.  He has grown a mustache and goatee thing.  After 10 weeks apart, my life is finally coming together and I doubt I would take him back, but I haven't shut the door on that option just yet.  A part of me still loves him.  There is no other woman involved - he just wants the freedom to do whatever he wants (golf, roller skating, partying, skiing, etc.) whenever he wants.  (He did all these things before but not with my approval.) He no longer has to feel guilty about leaving me at home while he pursues his interests and has to answer to no one now.  He still supports us financially and sees our daughter (13) fairly often.  Our son (he's 19) could care less about his dad.  I have lost a lot of respect for my husband, but over time I am making a new life for myself.  I recently got a part-time job I really like and enjoy the company of some wonderful friends.  My husband has no friends he can talk to, only 3 meddling sisters who encouraged him to leave me if he was unhappy.  His two other siblings absolutely disapprove of his behavior and have told him so.  Is there anyone else who has experienced this with their hubby?  Is there any hope he might come to his senses?  I don't intend to grow old alone, but don't want to give up on a 28 year relationship and then regret it.  Apparently many men do not feel THEY have to honour their wedding vows these days.  I never imagined my husband could be so selfish as to sacrifice everyone else's happiness for his own.  People we know simply cannot believe we have separated because we had such a wonderful marriage.  They also can't believe that he could ever do such a thing to us.  I'd love to hear from other wives who've survived this ordeal. 
I have read many messages on this board from wives who are dealing with husbands and there mid-life crisis. Well, I am a husband who is going through a mid-life crisis. I have been married for 22 years. My brother, whom I was suppose to know, committed suicide leaving behind a wife and two young daughters. He left no note as to why. He had the perfect life, a great job and a great family life. Obviously, something was not right. No one will ever know....for sure. We can only speculate. Anyway, after I lost my brother, my life came to screeching halt. Everything I thought was important in my life......family......was no longer important. My wife held on for about two years. After trying everything in her power, she finally came to the realization that I was gone. It was not her fault. I just wanted a different life. I can't explain why. It is just this feeling inside of me. I still am close to my kids, I just can't seem to get close to my wife. We are now separated. What I am trying to say is that men go through many different emotions in life to cause a mid-life crisis. Mine was an unexpected suicide. I am open to any comments or advice.
 
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itsaxa
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November 28, 2005, 5:59 am PST

Found out the lie

What does a man do when he finds out that after 5 years of marrige that the woman had 3 kids with three men ?.......When she said she was married 14 years to the same man. 

  

My first marrige,but now i dont know if its her 1st or 3rd or what ever the deal is,what ever it is was a big fat lie. 

  

She got mad that I found out her lie that her family never even told,now she has an attide ! 

  

And now last month she asked me to leave. 

  

  

  
 
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yesman
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November 28, 2005, 6:21 am PST

Brothers Suicide

Quote From: packerfan7

I have read many messages on this board from wives who are dealing with husbands and there mid-life crisis. Well, I am a husband who is going through a mid-life crisis. I have been married for 22 years. My brother, whom I was suppose to know, committed suicide leaving behind a wife and two young daughters. He left no note as to why. He had the perfect life, a great job and a great family life. Obviously, something was not right. No one will ever know....for sure. We can only speculate. Anyway, after I lost my brother, my life came to screeching halt. Everything I thought was important in my life......family......was no longer important. My wife held on for about two years. After trying everything in her power, she finally came to the realization that I was gone. It was not her fault. I just wanted a different life. I can't explain why. It is just this feeling inside of me. I still am close to my kids, I just can't seem to get close to my wife. We are now separated. What I am trying to say is that men go through many different emotions in life to cause a mid-life crisis. Mine was an unexpected suicide. I am open to any comments or advice.
My brother committed suicide two years ago. We rode motorcycles together for years. I went out and bought a 2005 Harley and now I am told that I am in a mid life crisis at age 45. Been married 24 years, 3 sons and my wife says she is no longer emotionally attached to me. She had an affair with my brother a long time ago, which has hampered our relationship. My life now is at a crossroad that is very hard on my mind and heart. Therapy is not really working well. My emotional stability is not good presently. I want my wife back, but she says our marriage is too far gone. Everything in my life is shattered into little pieces. I am a lonely,desperate shell of a man. 
 
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mojonla
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November 28, 2005, 2:18 pm PST

husband charged with rape

Well, as the title is pretty unbeleivable - my husband of 3+ years has recently been charged and arrested for forcible rape and kidnapping.  We have been together almost 9 yrs and eveyone thinks we have a great relationship.  All of the time spent together - I have lied about our perfect relationship.  He is very verbally abusive (always has been). He continuously puts me down (in front of our 3yr old son) My son is the reason I am finally ready to put an end to this madness.  I will not allow my son to grow up in such turbulance.  I do not want to hurt my son....but I believe if I stay in this marriage - it will be detrimental to him - he will grow up thinking it is okay to speak to others in the ways that he hears his father talk to me.   Another eye-opener for me is that recently my husband was arrested and charged with forcible rape &2nd degree kidnapping.  A girl he admits picking up in a bar and taking for a ....how shall I put it....oral favor.   He remains ugly to me and now has begun telling our 3yr "maybe mommy will find you a new daddy"  He does not understand or maybe doesn't care that these type of statements only HURT & confuse our 3yr old.    I have no doubt in my mind that I will go through with the divorce - however my only delima is custody & visitation with my angry & volitile husband.  I wait on filing (my husband does not know) for fear of my safety and my son's.  What is better situation - for my son to have visitation with such an ANGRY & UNSTABLE father - or No visitation what so ever?  I despirately wish he could become an adult & stop the hurtful statements to his child - but I feel in my heart he will never admit or change his ways....HELP??  Do I try for sole custody & no visitations?????????
 
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