Topic : Divorce Support

Hi, I haven't been on in a long time.  Im been so busy this summer with the kids, and have had several other of my neices too.  Things are going better between husband and I.  He may actually be moving back in.  He's been out 5 months, I cannot believe all that time has gone by. 

 

We've gone to several marriage counceling sessions together, and we have been able to work on things.  He is going to see the same doctor alone for his anger mang.

 

I hope all is going well, keep me posted.LOL

 

D

I got married when I was just barely 18.  It's been 13 years and I'm just not happy at all.  I've felt this way for a couple years.  I just blamed it on depression from turning 30, but it has not gotten any better.  I do have 2 wonderful kids that I would not trade for anything in the world, but my life is not how I thought it would be growing up.  We live paycheck to paycheck and I just found out that my husband is not depositing all his check like he tells me he does.  He is keeping out $100 every two weeks and I have no idea what he is doing with it.  He doesn't know that I know this and I don't know what to say to him. 

 

If I were to leave him it would devastate the kids and I would rather live in misery then see them live that way. 

 

I actually changed my mind about marrying him a couple of days before we married, but he took me on a guilt trip and I did it anyway, which I now resent him for.  We ran off to get married so it wasn't like we had a big wedding planned that we would have had to call off. 

 

Any advice?              

"Children would rather be from a broken home, than to live in one." This is the truth. Don't use the children as an excuse to not have a backbone, and do what needs to be done. Children are resilient, and will bounce back ten fold.

Moving out and being on your own is a scary thing to face, but don't blame your children's well being on staying where it may not be pleasant, but it safe.

Seek out legal counsel, to find out where you stand, and then decide what you are willing not do. Do you not work? If you don't go find a job, and start saving money. Why are you depending on your husband for support? Another para-phrase from the good doctor, people only treat us the way 'we" allow them to, so grow a back bone, and stand up the this man, because that is just as much your money as it is his.

I hope this helps, good luck. You can read mine, Readgood2u, and tatianasb1's post in the archives for some great ideas on how to go about doing, what needs to be done./

He's not mean to me or anything.  I just feel like he is more of a room mate than anything else.  We never fight in front of the kids actually, we hardly ever talk to each other anymore.  I think we have grown up and grown apart.

I'd ask him rather than jumping to any conclusions.

 

If he is doing something without your knowledge it MAY be to the entire family's benefit. Then again it may not.  How are you going to know unless you ask?

 

And either way I think that it would be better for the unknown to be KNOWN and then let the chips fall where they may.

 

Also about you and your kids.  Living in misery is NOT living and sacrificing your happiness even for your kids is UNFAIR.  By sacrificing your happiness, you short change not only yourself, but everyone else in the family too.  It will only breed MORE resentment.

 

I suggest that you figure out how to GET HAPPY where you are or leave.

 

I can also tell you that the grass is NOT always greener on the other side of the fence.  Divorce IS devastating and blended family's have problems all there own -- I ought to know -- But kids ARE resilient, they DO adjust and all you can not only survive but you CAN THRIVE after divorce.

 

Your happiness is YOUR responsibility.  If you aren't happy, it DOES take a toll on your relationship and THAT takes a toll on your kids.  Beside if you think you are hiding that from anyone, you are mistaken.  Kids KNOW and I lay money that hubby knows too.  They deserve a happy and complete Mom/Wife/Woman and you deserve that too.

 

I am also a big believer that we CREATE our own happiness and it's YOUR JOB to figure out just how you can do that. 

 

It isn't up to hubby to make you happy.  It's up to you.  Q

As of yesterday, August 1, I filed for Divorce. My husband and I have been married for almost three years and together for four years.

For the past year, I feel that my husband has marked me out of his life. We no longer talk, we no longer share anything together. He works six days a week from early to late every day. If I have something I want to talk to him about I have to call him on his cell. Then he tells me he can't remember anything I said because he was busy. (Driving a Truck) I see nothing between us anymore. For the past 7 months I have been fighting to keep us together. We have a 22 month old baby boy that means the world to me. It is hard to listen to him ask for his Daddy when his Daddy is never around. We sometimes try to spend Sundays together, but we always end up in an argument.

At the first of June I left my husband. Me and my child stayed with my mom and dad. Every so often my husband would come to see us. But never once did he ask us to come home. He says "I left on my own then i can come home on my own!" that to me is just so cruel.

Well after being at my mother's for a month and a half. My husband's little boy from previous marriage was coming to visit. I didn't want him to know that we were fighting so I went home to tend the house hold. But nothing had changed. He was still so mean. His words have stuck with me and replay everyday. The harsh words he says about his unhappiness. (I am the reason) I can never forgive him for the way he has treated me. Like I am just a roommate. Like I am the 4th or 5th thing in life. (money #1, Our Son #2, Work #3, and so on.) Where am I? He loves to play mind games with me. It has driven me crazy. He has truly pushed me away. Any advise to help me deal with a divorce is very much appriciated. What comes next?

He does not know yet. I am scared the day he finds out. In the past he told me he would contest the divorce just so he won't get screwed... Please help...

I suggest you let your family in on what's going on, if you haven't already.  I also suggest that you ask them if you can come stay with them if you HAVE to.

 

If you are planning to remain in the home while you divorce, it may be tough but it can be done.

 

If your partner can not include you WITH your son as his #1 priority, then you are better off putting your self as your priority.

 

I suggest you get a plan for the day he DOES find out, because normally when you "file" for divorce, he will get served with those papers and then he WILL know.

 

Better to have a plan NOW and prepare than get surprised and have to scramble.

 

Q

Yes he has been.  4 times.  Shortest one 1 year longest 28 years.  I can't get a straight answer as to why and he says he doesn't know just that she left one day.  My opinion she got tired of the affairs he was having and the drinking.  No single very long in between each marriage.  I have never heard the quote from Maya but I like it also.

  

Sad truth is you should have ended this eleven years ago.  You cannot compete with any intruder into your relationship-male or female-cos it is not about you.  It is about the cheater and their problems. 

  

The internet has made it much easier for him to indulge his tastes than ever before, however I do not believe most people "only look".  Or if they do, it is for a VERY short period of time. 

  

Your choice to have an affair was a bad one as well and only gives hubby more ammo.  This man is a band-aid which is not fair to him.  Relationships born of infidelity have a very short life span. 

  

Why does he have to GIVE you a divorce?  Check out state law with findlaw.com or nolo.com or better yet a local attorney.  It may be financially advantageous to you to divorce while still in school.  In my state he could be compelled to provide support for a period of time that would enable you to finish school at minimum.  Talk to your school advisor about financial aid just in case.  Think there is a six month advance submission for application.  In other words, application for aid for Fall 2005 was due in February. 

  

Of course he likes you being home.  Called having your cake and eating it too. 

  

The relationship you describe is not healthy, but you have to decide if/when you want out.  My best suggestion is to be on your own for a year before beginning another relationship. 

  

  

My first suggestion is a physical that should include a depression screening.  Answer every question honestly, do not try to "handle" this alone.  I cannot tell you how many people write these boards only after discovering that undiagnosed depression or other problem has ruined their life.  Don't be one of them.  Counseling may be required as well. 

  

My mother always said "Marry in haste, repent at leisure".  I suspect hubby DID lay on the guilt.  HE loves you so, and no one else has ever really loved him.  And he has never had a chance in life until he met you.  My H actually gave me an ultimatum that if I did not marry him by the end of the year he woud join the Peace Corps (sorry, it was the 70's) and I fell for that one.  Would like to turn that clock back and do it different.  He might have liked the Peace Corps.  lol   But like you I was young and thought it proved how much he loved me.  It doesn't, only proves how manipulative he was and how gullible I was. 

  

Life seldom turns out to be what we thought it would when we were 18.  You are entitled to a full partner in marriage which includes financial issues.  And you will not always be happy.  Where did we get this idea?  Sometimes you will be happy, sometimes sad, sometimes angry, but hopefully peaceful most of the time. 

  

One member suggested that he is doing something productive for the family with the missing money.  If that be true I bet he would want the credit that goes along with it.  I CAN tell you that was not true in my case. My H began withdrawing money each time he made a retail purchase (store, drugstore, etc).  Not a large amount at any one time AND he continue to take his usual weekly ATM withdrawal.  He did not use this cash for gas, groceries or eating out-always used the debit card here.  And he packs his lunch most workdays.   

  

Then I began to notice hours he was taking for sick leave/vacation when I thought he went to work that day (up to 40 hours per month).  Though he worked 4/10s and I worked 5/8s I always left home first and got home last so I did not know.  As I am sure you can tell, he got busted in an online affair that opened my eyes to multiple other affairs over the 30 years of marriage.  Not to say your hubby is cheating.  It could be alcohol, drugs, gambling or he just likes to flash cash and pay the bills at lunch.  You can figure out the details.  

  

To me $200 a month that I cannot tell you where it is going is a LOT of money.  At my house that amounts to a couple of mortgage payments each year.  And the real problem is NOT the amount of  money.  It is the lying, change of habit and willingness for his family to be deprived that are RED FLAGS. 

  

I answered many of my own questions by beginning to use Quicken.  Do you balance the checkbook?  Quicken makes it easy.  It revealed my financial hemmorage of cash was because my hubby was taking $100 in cash compared to my $10.  Maybe you need Quicken at your house.  And begin paying attention to his pay stubs.  Will need ALL of them for Quicken.  And check location on ATM receipts.  Maybe you need to go back to the first of the year.  Hint, hint.  Great for tax time. 

  

Until you KNOW what to say, say nothing.  Premature announcement will drive him underground.  My mother remained married for 40 years though my father was an alcoholic who never loved her.  As her health failed he was abusive and neglectful.  You do not want to sign up for this kind of misery. 

  

Kids are resilient, but divorce is a nasty business.  Do not jump from the frying pan into the fire.   

  

Get the physical.  Talk to legal advice.  nolo.com and findlaw.com will help some.  Divorce/ custody  

laws vary according to state. 

  

Do you have your own bank accounts and a credit card in your name?  Do that.  Tell hubby you need your own credit history. 

  

Need job training?  Contact your local community college.  They are great. 

  

In other words, have a plan and make divorce the last option.  Good luck.