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Topic : Divorce Support

Number of Replies: 4225
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:52 pm
Author : dataimport
Over half of all marriages end in divorce, but that doesn't make it any less painful for those going through it. Discuss your experience here.

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July 23, 2005, 7:22 am CDT

I DON'T LIKE THIS FORMAT !

Hi all. I see I'm this first to post in this category.  Maybe the rest of you are disappointed with this format as I am.   PLEASE GO BACK TO THE OLD FORMAT........IT WAS ALOT EASIER TO READ AND NAVIGATE< AND UNDERSTAND !!!!   THANK YOU.
 
July 24, 2005, 6:37 am CDT

Til Death do Us Part?

In my 2nd year of being single, I seem to be only moving backward.  I am still attempting to reconcile what should be buried by now.  I have read many self helps in attempts to move forward I understand the process and have begun the work required to reach success.  My ex and I have become sexually active in the last 7 months.(initiated by me) each encounter we express our concerns about the wrong we are doing and say this wont reoccur. but it continues, I have decided that for some reason that I have not been able to express to my ex. this is a obvious sign that we should attempt repairing our family not just for us but also our 2 children(13&5).  I'm confused and have the desire to end this destructive behavior. I try eventhough I dont hold out much hope that he will ever be my husband, for his pride and having to admit he made a mistake are 2 things that are impossible to overcome.  I need some new ideas regarding acceptance and living with what I cant change, for I understand that no matter how obvious the signs are I cant make him see, or act in accordance with what should be.
 
July 24, 2005, 8:03 am CDT

New Habits

In my 2nd year of being single, I seem to be only moving backward. I am still attempting to reconcile what should be buried by now. I have read many self helps in attempts to move forward I understand the process and have begun the work required to reach success. My ex and I have become sexually active in the last 7 months.(initiated by me) each encounter we express our concerns about the wrong we are doing and say this wont reoccur. but it continues, I have decided that for some reason that I have not been able to express to my ex. this is a obvious sign that we should attempt repairing our family not just for us but also our 2 children(13&5). I'm confused and have the desire to end this destructive behavior. I try eventhough I dont hold out much hope that he will ever be my husband, for his pride and having to admit he made a mistake are 2 things that are impossible to overcome. I need some new ideas regarding acceptance and living with what I cant change, for I understand that no matter how obvious the signs are I cant make him see, or act in accordance with what should be.
You say that your ex will not admit to a mistake and that there will be no reconciliation. I don't know your specifics, and would probably not understand even if I did. To me it sounds as though you are asking someone to tell you what you already know, move on. Perhaps this is asking you to be a little selfish, but it may be time. For your children and for yourself.

I am a firm believer that we replace one habit with another. You say that what is happining is wrong, then replace it. Find a new passion and move on. Easier said than done, and requires infinite soul searching, but it's well worth it.

I will also include that I am still doing a lot of searching in my own life. New habits can be fun and rewarding (scary at times too), if properly thought out.



 
July 24, 2005, 9:09 am CDT

Husband's Mid-life Crisis

Five years ago my husband's attitude and behavior changed dramatically after a lengthy business trip requiring several weeks away from me and our children.  No, he did not have an affair (his sex drive decreased gradually over these years), he simply had a taste of freedom and loved it.  He rarely ever travelled on business before this.  We recently separated after he refused to seek counseling either as a couple or on his own.  During our 23 year marriage, we rarely argued and never fought.  He says he no longer loves me and feels he's missing out on something by being tied to me, yet still tries to "share" his travels, social schedule, etc. with me.  I discourage this lately.  He is still a sloppy dresser and looks unkempt so he obviously isn't trying to impress another woman.  He has grown a mustache and goatee thing.  After 10 weeks apart, my life is finally coming together and I doubt I would take him back, but I haven't shut the door on that option just yet.  A part of me still loves him.  There is no other woman involved - he just wants the freedom to do whatever he wants (golf, roller skating, partying, skiing, etc.) whenever he wants.  (He did all these things before but not with my approval.) He no longer has to feel guilty about leaving me at home while he pursues his interests and has to answer to no one now.  He still supports us financially and sees our daughter (13) fairly often.  Our son (he's 19) could care less about his dad.  I have lost a lot of respect for my husband, but over time I am making a new life for myself.  I recently got a part-time job I really like and enjoy the company of some wonderful friends.  My husband has no friends he can talk to, only 3 meddling sisters who encouraged him to leave me if he was unhappy.  His two other siblings absolutely disapprove of his behavior and have told him so.  Is there anyone else who has experienced this with their hubby?  Is there any hope he might come to his senses?  I don't intend to grow old alone, but don't want to give up on a 28 year relationship and then regret it.  Apparently many men do not feel THEY have to honour their wedding vows these days.  I never imagined my husband could be so selfish as to sacrifice everyone else's happiness for his own.  People we know simply cannot believe we have separated because we had such a wonderful marriage.  They also can't believe that he could ever do such a thing to us.  I'd love to hear from other wives who've survived this ordeal. 
 
July 24, 2005, 12:34 pm CDT

26 years married & he left

I've been married 26 years and my husband left me and the children and moved back in with his parents......it's been 3 months.....I believe in until death do us part.I am praying and waiting for him to come home.

How scary this is....our youngest child starts Kindergarten and Daddy is not at home.

I would love to hear from spouses who have abandoned their family...What lies did you tell yourself to make yourself believe it was OK to do this ?

And if you reconciled...what did it take and how long did it take ???

 
July 25, 2005, 6:22 am CDT

Heading for divorce

I recently discovered that my husband of almost 11 years, has a girlfriend. I think he wanted me to find out as he used his cell phone to call her 55 times and he knew that I would see the bill. I guess I have known that this day was coming for the past few years, we don't communicate well and neither of us is very happy with our sex life. Still that doesn't make it any easier to deal with especially since he still sleeps at our house and comes and goes with his new life as he pleases. For years I haven't been allowed to have friends, so at this point I have no one to talk to and so many things to say. I really want to try to end our marriage nicely and hopefully be friends in the future as we have a 10 year old daughter and I don't want her to suffer because of her father and I. I of course have all the usual worries, like, will my daugther like being with him and his girlfriend more because they will have money and go and do things, where as I won't have much money at all. Then I have the, I'm almost forty, will I spend the rest of my life alone worries, the how will I survive worries and at least a thousand other worries from health insurance to how to change a flat tire. What I really need are people who have or are currently facing the same issues to talk to, which is what I am hoping to find here. Please if you need a friend, like I do ... write and I will write back.

 
July 25, 2005, 7:38 am CDT

Divorce

I recently discovered that my husband of almost 11 years, hasa girlfriend. I think he wanted me to find out as he used his cell phone to call her 55 times and he knew that I would see the bill. I guess I have known that this day was coming for the past few years, we don't communicate well and neither of us is very happy with our sex life. Still that doesn't make it any easier to deal with especially since he still sleeps at our house and comes and goes with his new life as he pleases. For years I haven't been allowed to have friends, so at this point I have no one to talk to and so many things to say. I really want to try to end our marriage nicely and hopefully be friends in the future as we have a 10 year old daughter and I don't want her to suffer because of her father and I. I of course have all the usual worries, like, will my daugther like being with him and his girlfriend more because they will have money and go and do things, where as I won't have much money at all. Then I have the, I'm almost forty, will I spend the rest of my life alone worries, the how will I survive worries and at least a thousand other worries from health insurance to how to change a flat tire. What I really needare people who have or are currently facing the same issues to talk to, which is what I am hoping to find here. Please if you need a friend, like I do ... write and I will write back.

Wow--you just gave me chills!  My life is almost parallel to yours right now.  Just had our 11th anniversary this weekend.  My husband has just moved out and although he says he's trying to work on our marriage--I just got our cell phone bill and he's talking to this woman from work--almost every night.  I wonder as you do--does he want me to find out and get angry, each time I mention that obviously our marriage is over he gets angry with me and says that he's not ready to say that.  He's kept me from having friends too, so my life has been all about him for the past 15 years--now I don't know what to do without him.  I believe he has depression problems, but he would never admit to that.  I'm not sure which way to go--should I keep spending time with him on his terms and hope that he figures out that he wants our marriage or should I get angry and tell him to leave me alone until he figures this out.  I haven't told him that I know about the cell calls, I feel that if I do I then take away the one thing that gives me insite as to what he's doing.  What confuses me most is he will talk to her either right before or right after he talks to me.  He had told me once they were just friends from work, but with everything going on and him moving out, this "friendship" sure isn't helping us.  I would love to communicate more---how do we get in touch??
 
July 25, 2005, 11:45 am CDT

how to let go

4 years ago, after 24 years of marriage, my wife told me she was not in love with me anymore. no abuse by either party, no infidelity(for sure on my side), my crime was i took her for granted. for the last 4 years i have tried everything i can think of to fix our marriage, to no avail. my problem is that i don't know how to leave. we have been together now for 31 years. i don't know how she will survive financially. our two daughters are 20 & 25 and they are both surprised that i have not left before now. i just don't know how to leave without alot of guilt/concern  about her survival, and my own future.

any help would be appreciated

 
July 25, 2005, 12:31 pm CDT

Someone like me!

Quote From: candacegil

Wow--you just gave me chills! My life is almost parallel to yours right now. Just had our 11th anniversary this weekend. My husband has just moved out and although he says he's trying to work on our marriage--I just got our cell phone bill and he's talking to this woman from work--almost every night. I wonder as you do--does he want me to find out and get angry, each time I mention that obviously our marriage is over he gets angry with me and says that he's not ready to say that. He's kept me from having friends too, so my life has been all about him for the past 15 years--now I don't know what to do without him. I believe he has depression problems, but he would never admit to that. I'm not sure which way to go--should I keep spending time with him on his terms and hope that he figures out that he wants our marriage or should I get angry and tell him to leave me alone until he figures this out. I haven't told him that I know about the cell calls, I feel that if I do I then take away the one thing that gives me insite as to what he's doing. What confuses me most is he will talk to her either right before or right after he talks to me. He had told me once they were just friends from work, but with everything going on and him moving out, this "friendship" sure isn't helping us. I would love to communicate more---how do we get in touch??

 

You can contact me on my yahoo account at Trickster139@yahoo.com and we can independantly email back and forth chatting about our issues as we do have similar things happening!

 

 

 
July 26, 2005, 1:30 pm CDT

My wife says she's filing

My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years. We have a beautiful little girl who will be 2 in October. About two months ago, my wife came to me and told me she thought we should live apart for a while to be able to work on things. She told me she thought it was the best thing for our marriage and it would help save our marriage. I was dead set against the idea, but I told her that if she truly felt it would help, I would do it. Basically, I felt like I would do anything to save our marriage. Also, we decided that we would begin marriage counseling immediately. Within 3 days of me being out of the house, she told me she was filing for divorce and no longer wished to go to counseling. Prior to that, the idea of divorce was never even brought up as a possibility.

 

I've most definitely made some mistakes in our relationship. For the last couple of years I've been trying very hard to run my own business out of the home. The fact of the matter is, I simply do not have the organizational skills to run my own business. It was failing, and I felt trapped. I was also a full-time stay-at-home father for the last year. I just felt like I had to keep trying. She didn't like the idea of being a full-time mother, and neither of us liked the idea of our daughter going to day care.

 

With the business, and also some instances of flat out being selfish, I just haven't been as attentive to her needs and her feelings as I should be. I acknowledge this whole heartedly, and I'm in counseling myself to overcome that, and also a depression I've been dealing with since childhood. Also, I've read several books on understanding relationships, and being able to express love better, etc. Through all of this, in the last two months, I've made some major changes in philosophy, and also in the way that I act.

 

My wife still loves me, she's told me this... She's scared to trust me though having trusted me with her feelings only to have me not take care of them before. I just don't know what to do... My family means more to me than anything in this world. I come from a family where my parents were divorced when I was very young, and it's something that to this day is causing me problems (the depression). I don't want this for my daughter, but even more so, I love my wife very much. I just don't know what I can do at this point to save my marriage.

 

Thanks to anyone who reads this and may be able to give me some encouraging words or advice.

 

Sincerely,

 

Andrew

 

 
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