Topic : Divorce Support

I hate to be the one to break the bad news, but in my opinion, if they don't listen early on in the marriage............they will think it is just talk to tune out..........until they get the ultimate wake up call DIVORICE.                  

. I don't even want to hear myself repeat the same stuff anymore!!!!!!!!!! I remained loyal, hopeful, and optimistic that someday he would "hear me", see me, remember me, think of me, really CARE about who I am and what I want or need.  I came to resent asking for this. I even gave him a few wake up calls................Then I screamed, I cried and I too was "so alone" and even though we made it (an endurance test?) for 28 years and to retirement he still doesn't hear me, he just sleeps through it.  I should have gotten out, and tried to find a man with hearing ears. I realize that now.  

My husband and I have been married for six years.  Over those years, he has let me down (at time hard) in almost every imaginable way.  He has been physically abusive, mentally and emotionally violent, and addicted to pain killers, alcohol,  and pornography.  Last year, after an unbelievable act on his behalf, I vowed never to take him back.  After a couple of months, I did take him back after he swore the most believing act I've ever seen.  I genuinely thought that he would never again take a drink, take any more narcotics, or watch another porno again.  It's been a year and last night as I was going thru the bills, I noticed that the purchase list on our credit card was discarded.  I checked our online statement and noticed a $50.00+ purchase to a local video store.  Yep, he was back at the porn.  I tore his study apart and distroyed the DVD's in front of him as he and his packed bag were going out the door.  I really need a friend to talk to.  I feel like after beating my head against the wall for six years, I'm finally broken.....  Anybody out there????  There's more to the story. 

Hello ad -  

I'm here and responding to you.  I'm sure others will too. 

Please, you HAVE TO stick to your guns.  You did a VERY courageous thing by wrecking his DVD's and throwing him out knowing that he was/is a physically abusive man. You should be proud of yourself. I know how the initial anger/rage that you felt when discovering the credit card bill gave you the courage to confront him, but now you have to keep the anger awhile longer. It will help you stick to your guns.  You did the right thing.  

Who knows how long this was going on before you discovered the bill ?   He's probably indulging in the alcohol and narcotics again too.  If he didn't go thru some sort of counseling or step program, I'm sure he's not cured by some miracle !   Addicts need serious intervention to stand half a chance to kick it.   Stop the craziness now !   Don't look back.  Abuse is NEVER acceptable.  

If I may pry - what was the unbelievable act on his behalf that you refered to - what did he do ? 

I may not be able to reply to you immediately, I have errands to run today. But I will check back later and reply.   

I really needed some words of encouragement.  Thank you.  I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing.  If not for myself, then for my girls.  I am the type of person who plays by the rules.  I don't drink (even socially), work as a full time professional, I don't cheat, don't lie, I make complete stops at stop signs, etc... He became addicted to pain killers after a work related injury.  He's not worked in five years, won't clean the house.  I work 50 hr weeks while he stays home yet I pay for a sitter several days a week!  How stupid am I?  When I come home, the house is a wreck, the kids are dirty, so I cook dinner, wash the dishes, do the laundry, bath the kids, etc... while he sits on the couch complaining that I DON'T LOVE HIM!  My head says I'm doing the right thing and that I'll be fine.  But, obviously, if I didn't care about him, I wouldn't have stayed as long as I have.   

As for the unbelievable act.... I can't even bring myself to speak it.  I have NEVER told anyone and can't bring myself to it without guilt for not ending it for good then.  I know there is no hope.  If I let it go, it would just happen again. 

"if things did not change in our marriage i would leave"....those are similar words I just gave my husband of 9 years.  I told him if by the end of this year, things didn't improve, I was out.  As I read your message, I started to cry.  This is where my marriage is headed...divorce.  Like you I wonder if I should give up the great things about him.  But even as I write that, I'm not sure what's so great anymore.  My husband and I are in a slump.  We are not even in our 30's yet... we married young.  I'm worried, confused, scared.  Do I leave and then I'm alone the rest of my life?  I'm I wrong and make the biggest mistake of my life...loose a man that has the potential to be great. 

I'm a mess.  I rambling.  This is the first time I write in on the net.  I've never before praticipating in chat rooms, blogs, etc.  I'm desperate!!!!!  I'm so alone.   

My husband has not cheated on me, he does not drink nor smoke, he does not go out with the guys.  His issues...my complaints are different.  He doesn't do much around the house.  We both work.  Yet I still have to maintain the finances, the house, the yard (well the yard I had to stop and hired a gardener because he thought I was embrassing him and WELL, What would the neighbors think if they continued to see me working hard while he was in the house!)  And well lately I have just given up.  My attitude has turned to...well he doesn't try to make me happy, so I'm not going to try and make him happy.  I have given up.  I do as much as he does.  Work and that's it.  But our house is an utter mess, it's a construction zone (various unfinished projects).  I don't feel loved by him.  Yes we say "I love you" every night before we go to bed, but is that enough? 

I'm suppose to be helping you...I just don't know.  I don't want to continue....trying or pretending...those are probably not the right words....I don't want to keep hoping that things will get better, then 26 years later I'm still contemplating leaving.  I don't know your whole situation, just as there is so much with mine.  Your husband's phone "GLITCH" well that seems weird, but I don't fully understand what happened or how.  I'm confused...did he cheat prior to the phone thing and you were able to move on?  Or was the event with the phone the affair?  I'm sorry.  I'm not helping... 

What I can say is "Does being with your husband make you a better person...does he bring out the best in you?...Does he inspire you to do more, be more, LOVE more?"  If the answer is NO, well then I think you are doing the right thing filing for divorce.  But it's not that simple, huh? Cuz those same questions make my heart hurt!!!!!  Is it because I know the answer to them is No, no, no, NO.  And do I want a Divorce?  AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!   I'm so alone.  There's so much I want to say.  I'm so ALONE.   

This was my first time doing this too.. I have been Thu a lot of stuff in our marriage alcohol/drugs/cheating. I have tried marriage  counseling a bunch of times  Nothing worked. now I need to do something for me.  I now know that I need to take care of me. My Husband asked why after all the Hardships we survived  over the 26 years why do i want to give up over a phone glitch. I keep thinking about that.. I do not have all the answers but I think i need more.. I have given so much too him I forgot about my self. I have given so much to everybody including the three kids. What have I done for myself. Maybe its just time. Maybe I did too much for everybody... 

Last year it was very hard on us.. My youngest 18 was involved in 2 major car accidents my youngest son is in the army and in Iraq. And my oldest son and his 2 children and wife  had to come home to live with us for a few months. because of financial problems.  These things should of brought us closer together but it did not.. it tore us apart. I have forgiven him for all everything in the past. So why can i not forgive him for this. Part of why I want a divorce is the phone glitch .  But The biggest part is  that our marriage should of been strong Eng to get through this but  maybe at one time it was. but now it is not. what is hard is to admit. I should of not given my life over to someone so completely.   

Maybe this will help you. Maybe you will ask yourself have you given eveything to him and not engough to you.. Your story made me cry also.  What have you done to help the situation. Beside just doing everything.    One thing you are not alone.  

You dont know me but I am here to listen..(read).. for you.. It Helps me.  

That's probably my fault.  I've insisted time and time again that he go into some type of counseling and he (at first) says he'll go.  Then he never does.  Unless you count the times he had to go to get his disability.  Yes, he became addicted to the pain killers after/because of his injury.  Just like you said, the pain killers/drinking to ease the pain.  He was diagnosed as depressed as well.  And I knew all of it all along.  I told him about it.  It's like I'm his mother/guardian.  He says to get off his back... that he's the man of the house.  But like I told him last night as I was kicking him out... "If you'd act like a man, rather than a horny little teenager (he's 31, I'm 34), then I wouldn't have to watch you like a hawk!"  When I let my guard down, he's always there to disappoint.   

The fact is... when we first met, I was a single mother, he a divorced father.  He lived in a one bedroom trailer with holes in the floor working in the coal mines.  When he became injured, I encouraged him to go back to school.  Now we are both college grads (with my help), (I do and plan to continue to...) live in a nice home, and I have a great job.  He's nothing without me and would regress back to his former life if I didn't keep everything in check.  He's an irresponsbil, mean hearted, jerk.  His father beat his mother half to death when he was growing up on a regular basis.  I finally got him to stop doing that to me after a night in jail.  But as I was tearing his study to pieces looking for the porn he bought, I found a prescription bottle with the bottom (where the drug name is listed) torn off hidden in some home decor.  He's not changed anything, and I've been too busy trying to keep everything else going that it got by me. 

He's doing exactly to our family, (we have a child together for a total of 3 kids) what his dad did to him.  I know that I would be so much happier without him.  I wouldn't have to worry about going to bed and waking up with a fist drawn back to my face (which has happened more than once).  I know that I'm better off to have some peace in my life. 

I live in a small rural town, hours away from any of my family and (thankfully) any of his.  I don't have many friends either, definiately not any close ones.  I've always put everything I had into my family.  I spent some time in counseling with a local agency after he beat me so bad I had him put in jail, but the counselor told me that she couldn't help me.  So I've not had good experiences there myself.  This is only place I knew to turn.  Somewhere where I could get some support from people who have been there to help me be strong.  *God, I'm tired of being the one with the good head on her shoulders and a level head.  Sometimes I feel like saying "I'm tired of being strong!  Someone else do it!"