Topic : Divorce Support

My first question is why you want to reconcile with a man you have had three restraining orders on?  

And why does everyone seem to think a long term relationship and all of the attachments should dissappear in 30 days?  Give yourself time.  AND have physical and emotional distance-that helps more than you can imagine.    

I always suggest listening to your head rather than your heart-and in this instance maybe your kids are right too.  

Long and short-this is your decision.   Do not make any decision while in doubt.  Can the divorce date be delayed?  Hubby is great guilt-tripper.  All of this is in YOUR hands?  Where is his responsibility?  And if this is SO important to him WHY is he not already in counseling?  This does not have to be an all or nothing.  Insist he start solo counseling as a condition to you even considering reconciliation.  Bet he will have lots of why he can't/won't until you let him return home.  

Beware!  

You are so right about getting excuses.   I have said to him that he should already be in counseling for himself if for nothing else - and I get the reply that why should he try for something that may not happen.   Yes our divorce could be delayed, but once again my husband wants a rock solid decision out of me now.   I have been such a push over person for so long going along with whatever to keep the peace and now I have my family, my children and many friends wanting me to stand up for myself, to make decisions and choices that are about me, and not to accept anything less than what I deserve.  I have a husband and his family who is making me feel so guilty and doubtful about EVERYTHING.  And I have myself who I find trying so hard to please all of the above knowing that is an impossible task.   I feel like an emotional train wreck.   I appreciate the responses.  I'm not exactly the most confident person in the world and every little bit of support helps.   It sometimes amazes me that I can find kindness in stranger and I have yet to find that in my own home and in my marriage.    

You grieve. 

It is a process.  It takes it's own time. 

You've likely been through the denial and bargaining BEFORE you even left him. 

There are still these phases left:  anger, deep sadness and acceptance. 

You may even repeat a phase. 

You have to make a conscious decision to move on and then take steps to do that.  After that grief takes time. 

You have EVERY right to a happy life.  ANd it's up to YOU to see to it that you and your children have that. 

BRAVO to you on your very right decision.  Q 

If you really sit and think about it, NO ONE can MAKE you feel anything you don't want to feel yourself.   

You have wasted how many years and tears trying to please EVERYONE BUT the person who matters MOST in your life.... that'd be YOU!   

Confidence comes when you do what is right in YOUR OWN heart.  Confidence comes from making mistakes, learning from them (I mean REALLY learning) and then not making them again. 

STOP letting everyone ELSE lead you around by the nose. 

Figure out what YOU want out of YOUR life and go for THAT.   

If hubby is pressuring you for a decision before you are ready to give one, then tell him to STOP pressuring you.  Tell him when you are ready to make up your mind, you'll make it up and THEN you'll let him know.  ANd if he isn't the kind of man who can wait, the so be it. 

If you are unsure about what your path should be right now, WAIT until you are sure. 

I will tell you that if you knuckle under to someone ELSE's pressure tactics (a controlling mindgame) and you come to regret your decision, you will be resentful and that is NOT what a relationship really needs.  Good relationships require a free and willing heart -- if you don't have that, you will not be the kind of wife ANY husband needs. 

If you don't know what you want out of your life, then figure that out BEFORE you let someone ELSE figure it out for you.  Counseling, books and support can help you gain the clarity you need to live YOUR life. 

Q 

This is the first time I've posted here but I'm looking for answers.  I've been married to my husband for 15 years.  We dated for almost 5 years before that.  I was 16 and he was 21 when we met.  We have two children together, ages 12 and 6.  My problem is that we've become very disconnected.  I feel more like his mother than his wife.  I take care of everything including budgeting, paying bills, remodeling house...you name it.  My husband will do anything for anyone else, but his family comes last.  I'm sure he does this because it's very important to him what others think about him.  I believe he gets his self-esteem fed by doing for others.  My problem is I've finally decided that I've had enough of this and have let him know this numerous times in the last 6 months.  When we talk all he can say is that he doesn't know what to do.  I feel like I've crossed a line and I am done talking, arguing and fighting.  Where do we go from here?  I've told him that I know we need counseling and I told him that he needs to take the iniative to find a counselor and make an appointment for us rather than me doing it but he still hasn't done it.  In fact, he totally ignores me when I'm upset.  I'm assuming he thinks it will all go away if he ignores it.    

Yes it sounds like he is hoping it will all go away! In one part of your post it sounds like you are ready for divorce, and in other parts it sounds like you are wanting to work it out. I don't know which way you are wanting to go with this, so I will attempt to cover both situations. 

I think one of the first things you need to do is see a lawyer and see where you stand from a legal stand point in case it comes to that, you will already know what options you have at the worst case scenario. If you do go that route, you will want to begin things like getting your credit things in order, such as getting your own cards and such and getting him off yours so you will have your own credit established, and won't be stuck with him running up a bunch of credit that you may have to wind up paying for. You may want to start your own bank account and start saving. If you are not working, you may want to begin looking for a job, to be secure and independent from needing him. 

Once you have done this, since you have been doing everything, how can you expect him to follow through on setting up an appointment for a counselor? You are going to have to do this more than likely, if you can even get him there. If he is willing to go, and you are wanting to work things out, what does it matter who gets the ball rolling? I know you would feel better and more like he is making a commitment, if he made the arrangements, but since he is not used to doing much more than wiping his own butt, you may not be able to get him to do this either. You will know how much he would be willing to go to counseling, and put his heart in it, more than anyone on here could possibly know. Most women on here can't even get their husbands into any sort of counseling, unless they have caught them in some sort of affair, and they are THEN wanting to make the marriage work. 

As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. This may apply to your husband as well. If he is not cooperative, then you may at that point, let him know, and ONLY if you are willing to actually go through with it,(no playing games) tell him you want a divorce, if he is not willing to try and get things back on track. At that point, you would have already seen a lawyer and know where you stand, and just the fact that you have done this, and have gotten your own credit established, might make him realize you mean business. 

This is a start. I hope this will help. You can do a search on some of my past post, the ones in archives, along with Realgood2U, and QQQHHH. All have great advice on matters of the heart, and I know I as well as Realgood2U have post talking about what to do to prepare yourself in protecting yourself if the latter comes to past. 

I hope this helps. Good luck and keep us posted. I am sure what you do will help others having problems such as you are discussing 

Since my last posting I have shed some tears and had another dose of the man I married and grew to dislike and have finally decided that divorce is really the best thing for us even though it saddens my heart. A couple of days last week he came home drunk, guess things with his girlfriend aren't so good anymore, and verbally attacked me as soon as he walked in the door. He told our middle daughter all kinds of lies and I spent the next morning showing her the facts about his lies. I hate it when he lies about me, it really angers me and I want to hit him so I walk away very quickly. I have read back in my journals and for years the same type of stuff has been happening and finally I am sick to death of it. I am still not angry, as I will always love part of him and wish him the best, but we don't belong together. I am hopeful that I will find someone to love me someday, but for now I must focus on keeping my head above water and taking care of my 10 year old daughter. I don't get online much as my home computer is messed up and I don't really want to repair it until I know it is mine, sounds selfish I admit, but money is hard to come by here recently. I am still trying to get the money together to hire a lawyer, but haven't gotten it together yet. I don't understand why it costs so much money just to protect yourself from someone who wants to do you harm. I did go to an abuse group this past week and learned that my problems are small compared to others. I would rather go to a divorce group, but can't find any close by my home.     

I am still taking things one day at a time, but it is getting somewhat easier and my mind is becoming clearer, but I really long for the day when it is over and done.    

Mdearest    

Surely there are some women organizations in your  area that could assist you in this area, as well as direct you to find a lawyer in your price range. Check it out. Mental/emotional abuse is sometimes worse than the physical abuse, and usually more difficult to get over. Check with women's organizations/shelters in your area, and they should also give great advice on how to protect yourself financially, as well as many other things you probably have not thought of yourself. 

IT sounds like you are depressed, and going through what you are going through you have a reason to be so. Emotional abuse beats you down drop by drop, and without you realizing it is draining the very marrow of your being. If you do not have a job, get one, if you have one start saving money, and get your own checking account/savings account, SOMETHING that will help you to be able to put money back for when you leave. Sometimes women have plans which takes them years to get things ready for leaving their husbands, but if abuse is going on, emotional/physical you don't need to stay one more day than is absolutely necessary.  

What kind of example are you setting for your ten year old daughter, as far as the things a woman should accept from a man. You don't think this is effecting her, and will as far as when she grow up and marry? You need to be a strong person for you, and your children. Buck up and get busy, this is not only your life that you have mired down in the muck of your marriage, it is also your children's life, and how you handle this situation, will effect them as well for the rest of their lives as well. 

I hope this helps, good luck, and please keep us posted. If you can't find assistance there, which I would  find difficult to believe, then check with past post of mine, Realgood2u, and QQQHHH, many in the archives.  You will see you are not alone, and even with theses boards, you do have at least some sort of support system.