Topic : Divorce Support

I also disagree with your comment about divorce not being devastating to children-there is no way that is true.  My son is 11 and daughter 6.  they will be upset and no matter what I do they will miss their dad terribly and it is not avoidable _I can only try and deal fairly/responsibly with them/him.   

I never knew kids not totally upset by a divorce........ 

What you are feeling is so normal.  I thought the same things.  You need to take one thing at a time.  Deal with things as they come.  As being friends with your soon to be ex....give that time.  Keep your relationship with him as a business deal...try to keep your emotions out.  Don't talk ill about him to your daughter.  She will form her own judgement of dad, be it good or bad.  I dealt with my ex when my children were little and it really did work.  We talked all the time about what was in the best interest of the kids.  When they were with dad, they tried and push him to the limits...he would call, and I would support his discipline...the kids only tried that a few times and realized that mom and dad were on the same page.  And I have to say my kids turned out pretty darn good.  I have one as a nurse and another serving our country in Iraq.  Never bad mouth him!!!!!  Keep your feelings about him with a close friend!!!!!  Remember one thing....when a door slams on you...God opens another window.  You need to find your friends again or establish new ones....I did the same thing.  I just got divorced (again) in May from a verbally and emotionally abusive man.  I moved out in the woods....far from my friends and am dealing with the same thing you are going thru.  I have extended myself outward to people I knew from my past and have been making new friends.  You need to establish new boundaries for yourself starting with him walking in and out of the house.  Go and see an attorney and get separated.  Just by your message I can tell you are very unhappy...life is not a dress rehearsal...and my god giir...you are almost only 40...you are not dead!!!!!!   You will see as time goes by, as you establish a new life for yourself....you will wonder why you stayed as long as you had.  I am not judging your husband...people change...life changes...so you need to also.  You need to focus on yourself and what is most important to you....that is not being selfish...it is called self-love and self care.  I will be 45 in October and I don't feel it and have been told all the time that I don't look it!!!  It is all in your attitude and it shines to others.  As for having a bad sex life...been there...you deserve to have somone make you happy in al areas of your life and to be able to give that back to someone is the greatest...and I am not just talking about sex.  My ex keeps hanging on to me and I am finally realizing that I deserve better...and so do you.  Keep in touch...I check the boards regularly and what to know how you are doing...see...you just made a friend!!! 

Hi all, I posted here before and now I am back.  Well my husband  is missing his adolescent life after four years of marriage.  He said that he is not getting what he wants from our marriage and that he wants to explore.  However he said that he would like to keep our friendship and still would like to hang out even after the separation.  I love my husband and could not comprehend that he is feeling this and I rebel inside.  I wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me.  I told him I don't want to have to do anything  to him after we move out of our house.  I have been expressing my anger to him and blamed him for the pain.  He told me not to move out yet because he really wanted to go through this with me just like friends and if possibel not to burn the bridge.   But down inside I was hurting so bad that it was too much for me to take.  Last night I carried on the fight we had the night before so finally he said he couldn't take it anymore and that I should move out.  He couldn't handle the fight that I like to have every night and he wants be away from me.  This brought me back to my senses.  I still want him but  the separation is so hard on me.  The friendship that he intentionally wanted to keep between us which is my last resort for any kind of connection with him is already gone.  I have burned the bridges and it's hurting me.  I don't know if I am feeling the right emotions or am I fooling myself.    

Today, I went online and read about depression.  I took the test on two different website and had teh same result.  I am vey depressed.  I made an appointment for help on this issue.  At the back of my head, I am doing this so I can react better when I am around my H.  Maybe I can control my emotions in way that will not hurt me even worse.  Is this a good intention or,  again, am I just fooling  myself.  I can't help wanting the day when my husband will come to his senses and come back to our marriage.  I don't know what to do.  Anybody out there have gone through what I am going through?  I hope you will share yourself to me.   

bmymelody   

I am having a hard time coming to terms with the way that my fiance interacts with his ex wife and her family.  He has a son with her and I understand he wants to talk to his som every day.  I have no problem with that.  My parents seperated when I was three and the communication between them was slim to none.  I realize my parents could have done a lot better raising me if they would have talked to eachother, but how much talk is too much????  My fiance talks to his ex everyday, sometimes multiple times a day.  His son is 7 and I feel like unless something is out of the ordinary there is no reason for my fiance and his ex to have to talk all the time.  Then I feel even worse because his ex lives with her mother...and my fiance talks to his ex-mother-in-law all the time also.  My fiance and I had a son together just three weeks ago.  When we first found out we were pregnant he even made a comment to the mother-in-law that he would like our son to be able to call her MiMi just as his other son does.  I can't help feeling like my fiance is still married to his ex-wife and her entire family.  My fiance ran into his ex-father-in-law while we were at the hospital having our baby and even invited him to come up and see our baby!!!! Any time I bring up how I feel about him being so close with his ex and her family he tells me that I knew he had  son when we got together and if I cannot accept his son than we will never make it.  My issue is not accepting his son though and he doesn't see that.  I love his son.  It is just that when I decided to have a baby with him I didn't realize how attached he still was to the ex's family.  I guess it is just something I overlooked but picked up on as I started thinking about raising our own child together.   

Got any advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

 I need some help, a month ago my husband of almost four years (anniversary is July 27) told me he wasn't happy, didn't love me like a wife, he didn't love me enough to sustain a marriage, we've grown apart, and he was not willing to try at our relationship anymore. A year ago the same thing happened, but after a week, we agreed to work it out and made promises to each other. He has always refused to go to counselling, with me or alone.  

He feels like he has tried enough and he can't try anymore. I am devestated, since I love him very much, feel as though I don't know who I am without him, have no joy in my life without him, and I can! 't accept his decision. I can't believe that he wasn't happy, we were living normally, I thought, making plans for the future, making large purchases together, renovating our house and yard. I am so confused, hurt, sad and frustrated. I am mostly frustrated because when we talk he identifies the same things he thought were wrong with our relationship that I do. He wanted to talk about his feelings more, spend more time together, and have more sex. I too want all these things, I have admitted to him that I haven't tried my best all the time, but I really want to.  

I have started going to a counsellor to help with my pain, and learn how to communicate better, and accept people's feelings and points of view. I have quit my job which was always something my husband hated - shiftwork. I knew he didn't like it, and I can't explain why I didn't quit years ago, but I guess I never realized the stakes were so high. I've done all these things to try and make myself happy, and! hoping that my husband will realize how much our marriage means to me . I really feel like we just lost sight of what was important and our priorities were not in line - seems like it should be easy to fix - if both were willing to work on it. I think he feels like since we didn't try hard enough we must not care enough.  

It just hurts so bad to think someone I love so much doesn't care about me anymore. I know we were happy once, and I have always been happy with him as my husband. We have been together for 10 years, since I was 18, he is all I know, all I want to know. I was planning on growing old with him. I just feel he owes more to us than he is giving, we have a history together, we both get along with each other's families, I truly thought we were partners, I loved sharing my life with him. I am trying to understand his point of view, but it is hard and hurts so bad to think that all this time he didn't love me, makes me question everything. I still cry eveyday, am not myself at all, I tell him that is how I know that his decis! ion isn't right (for me) because of the way I feel, I am lost and alone.  

He just feels like he has made the right decision for him, and he is trying to make himself happy. He has been living in our house, I find it too hard to be there alone, I am not strong enough to be alone, I have been staying at my parents house. I go to my house every few days and visit our cats and I usually leave my husband notes trying to explain my feelings. I am so devestated, people tell me time heals, and it will get better, but I just can't see it. I don't want to move on, don't want to forget, I just want to be with him.  

I think I would be giving myself false hope to go through Relationship Rescue - I started last year, but wrongly thought everything was OK, so I stopped, plus I thought he wouldn't participate anyway, so what was the use? I really fear it is too late, he has made his decision. Intellectually I understand that I shouldn't want to be with someone if they don't want me - but in my heart I feel he does, and our marriage is worth fighting for. I just don't know what to do now. I know that part of the problem is that I just don't want to accept that my marriage is over. Any advice you would have for me would be greatly appreciated.