Topic : Divorce Support

I am not full of contempt for her.  I feel sorry for her.  Some days I get angry because I don't understand why she does everything in her power to get him back, and some days I want to confront her and tell her just exactly how many women he screwed around with that she has no knowledge about, but that would be in an effort to hurt him...and I wouldn't do it because she's hurt enough on top of the fact it's petty, selfish, immature, and kind of psycho.  Games is the first wife I've read a post from that sounds like she could BE the man's wife.  The situation is very similar.  And that's why I posted to her...to hear her, and to let her hear me, in some sort of effort to get past all of this.  I AM getting out.  It's easier said than done though when I made myself completely financially dependent on the guy, not to mention, no matter how stupid or wrong it was, giving a good bit of my heart to him as well (probably more than I am willing to admit).  As for "taking her place"...I don't want my MM's wife's place.  I've said it before.  Their relationship obviously wasn't that great or he's  a coward lying manipulative selfish jerk or a combo of the two considering the number of times he cheated.  So I don't want her place, whether it's 1/2 of a bad relationship or the 1/2 that gets cheated on.  Yes I got myself into it, and it was probably some fantasy of  mine that I'm THE ONE...I know that's crap now.  Heck I knew it then I just didn't want to acknowledge it.  I wanted something that did not and cannot exist with him.  Taking action on that acknowledgement is where I've reached that hurdle I can't seem to jump yet.  I've mentally got one foot out the door.  Now I just need to physically get both feet out and not look back.

I know you are so correct.  I can't stop talking, calling, emailing, crying, etc.  I feel like such a fool.  She has told me I'm driving her away.  I keep thinking I might say the right thing and she'll come back!  I don't know what to say anymore and we just repeat the same old crap.  I just realized how much I took her for granted, and I want to make it up to her.  I have to admit I am a weak, emotional man right now.  I can't make myself enjoy the kids, I feel so bad not playing with them.  I don't know what to do with my time, I think I'm losing control.  I really don't think she will miss me, thats why I am trying so hard, and so insecure and weak.  I only wish I saw some signs of this coming.  She has not had time to have an affair, I know when she's at work, I know she jogs everyday at lunch, She picks up the kids everyday by 5.  If she is... it must be "something" happening during work hours. I have an appointment with a therapist. Thank you for your words of wisdom!  I don't know how, but i will try.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this situation at this time in your life. You need to stop worring and thinking about your husband and think about yourself. You are #1. Im sure everybody with a brain can see this man ,aking the biggest mistake of his life and the guilt is eating him up but this is not your problem. You cant change him. He is the only persobn that can change himself but you can change the way you think. Keep bust working on your self. Join a gym and start  an excerise program. Excerise is a great stress and depression reducer. The seritonin you build up will help reduce depression. Work on your personal appearance to built your self esteem. If overwt get on a wt reducing diet. New cloths. New hairdo and a new makeover. If you do these things you will feel better about yourself and can work on your problems better. Let him see you moving on without him. This will get his attention quickly. Dont do these things for him do them for yourself. Check into a part time job just to be with people. See a lawyer asap. He should pay and pay dearly for walking out on his family because he is confused. He is doing what you let him do. If you let him keep walking over you he will. No he doesnt want a divorice because if he decides the grass isnt greener then he knows you will let him come back. If you took him back do you think you could ever trust him. When he walked out 3yrs ago did he have an affair then ? Sounds like he is into porn or is have affairs on the internet. Do you know who the woman is that he left you for?

Please dont feel sorry for him sitting around an apart. without his kid he made that dicision with his eyes wide open knowing he was hurting his childrenand wife.

Keep your chin up. I will say a prayer for you. Try my suggestions and hit the floor running working on yourself.

Rose Mary

I know I'm not your hubby's OW...but really the circumstances are strikingly similar. Like I said before, I would not tell her about the other affairs he has had (no matter how strong the urge to do so is).  I'm not the type to throw salt on wounds.  I think deep inside she must have some idea, but has gotten so used to his behavior, she would rather just live with that fact than face the world alone.  He didn't leave her high and dry...she's taken care of financially as are his kids.  He's wealthy enough to do so.  What do his kids think of me?  The younger one, the one he was closest to, hates me.  I don't blame her in the least.  The older one goes through phases.  She won't have anything to do with me because her mom gets mad, but she's typically okay with things (and she is the type who speaks her mind) unless she thinks I'm getting something (like a trip) that she feels entitled to.  Also, he did file.  But it's not final because the wife can and is holding it up (not a line he fed me, I know the legal system quite well here), and unless she relents, it will not be final until next year sometime.  He is the one that broke the news of the separation to the kids...he did not give them advance warning of filing, but the wife made him tell them (as he should have).  I do not have a job now.  I graduated from grad school when I met him, then moved in with him, then studied for my license...now I have to wait on results from that before I can get a job.  My family is in another state, and they would take me in (wouldn't be the first time), but my license, IF I passed, doesn't transfer there.  So I'm in quite the predicament.  And yes it was all so very foreseeable.  It makes me think of giving up on life altogether...I've sucked at decision-making most of my adult life and I'm getting tired of it.  But I know it's up to me to change my ways, and that I am not forced to make these bad decisions (let me clarify this is the first bad decision involving a MM...no pattern of getting involved with them, just a pattern of getting involved with men that are bad for me).  I think I'll just become crazy cat lady. 

Back to you....how are you doing?  I know it would be pretty easy for you to judge me, to hate me, or to lash out at me, but you've done nothing of the sort.  I appreciate that more than you will know.  I know just based on the way you've treated me here that you are a wonderful person.  A caring, genuine, and intelligent woman.  And if your hubby can't or won't see it, that's his problem.

Well, I'll try to help you out.  I'ts very interesting you write to me about this, but it's o.k., it's good.  I'll try to clear some things up.  My husband moved into my daughter's apartment to save us money, and she just moved out because she didn't like it there that much anyways, and she's basically very mad at him for the way he's acting.  We own the apartment.  He left two months ago.  I do not know if there's been anyone else or not besides the person he's recently told me about.  He usually has acted like he's honest with me.  When he left me three years ago, he made friends with a woman, told me they were "just friends", and he didn't even have to tell me that much.  They had motorcycles in common, and she was a person he could talk to about his confusion at that time also.  They started dating a little, but he told me she "wasn't his type", that they were just friends.  What a man, huh????  He told me last weekend (after we had sex for the first time since he left) that he wanted to be honest with me and upfront, and he told me he was seeing someone else, and didn't want to do that to me when we lived together, so he left me and then dated the person.  He's told me he is more happy in my arms than this other persons, but I have a hard time believing that one.  Now that I know he's been intimate with this person, I figure he's enjoying himself, or he'd be begging to come back.  He knows I still love him very much, and I'm not being very hard on him as far as being pissed off at him for what he's done to me.  Although, since he's told me that, I haven't spoken to him at all.  We had been kind of seeing eachother, he'd come to see our kids, and hang out at our home the whole time, and then we'd just started to sneak kisses and hugs.  (It is a weird situation).   Nothing would surprise me.  I don't know if he's living with this woman or not, I do not know who she is, I don't know if she is married, divorced or has kids.  I asked him who she was, and he said "does it matter?".  I guess it doesn't, and if I knew the person I'd probably be much more upset.  I already can't sleep, and have to take medication to get any sleep, and if I knew who she was, I'd be much more of a wreck.  He loves our kids more than anything.  That's why I'm surprised he left, we had our 14 year old son living at home still, and he just loves him to death.  He tries to stay in touch, but my son is so busy with his own friends he sometimes can't find the time to be with dad.  Dad isn't pressuring him at all to see him, but he calls him about two to three times a week, and they e-mail eachother and talk on cell phones.  My daughter just moved back in wth me, so he doesn't have her to see or do anything with because now they're not living together.  She told him yesterday and I think it hurt him, but he is the type to never act hurt, he just tries to be understanding.   It's very sad to me, but then I think well, he's made this decision, gotten himself into this predicament that has made him very alone, and now what????  Date a woman, have sex with her, and still have feelings for his wife, and basically lose respect of his kids and many of the friends they've had as a couple.  He needs therapy as far as I'm concerned.  I promised my daughter I wouldn't let him come back if he wanted to without a lot of therapy first., since this is the 2nd time he's done this.  And she's watched me fall apart, and it's very hard for her to see that.    I don't think it will happen, even though he told me he was going to go get therapy.  He had someone he saw a few times three years ago.    If you're seeing a married man, I know it's probably totally different on your side, but you ARE killing other people who love him.  Of course it's totally his fault for doing it also, but If it were me, I would never give a man that satisfaction of being dishonest to his wife.  You could be a wife someday that that happens to, and you'd see what it feels like.  It's terrible, painful, awful.  Your world falls apart, your kids almost fall apart, although they have so many friends, they make it through better than the wife does (sometimes).  I've been a good wife, probably not one that demands enough from him, and that hasn't helped us.  We barely argue.  We probably are the type to avoid arguing, but it seems to be fine for us.  We didn't use to be that way, we used to argue more when we were much younger.  The porn he's looking at in the middle of the night, I think it's made it so he only wants to relieve himself through that way, not with me.  He was someone who could never get enough a couple years ago, and now, he says he wants it, but he just can't keep things going.  I've cried about it, told him to please figure out what the problem is, and I would help him if any way I could, but of course, he didn't.  Anyways, the kids I guess have pulled away a bit, my daughter has, but they still talk, he calls them frequently, and my son doesn't know he's seeing another woman, so he is much better off not knowing.  I think that would really hurt him.  I hope you can heal yourself, and this situation you're in.  Men just aren't worth that, are they??  They are only worth loving if they're honest, and treating women the way they should treat them.  Either way, on the wife's side, or the OW side, both of them are being treated selfishly, dishonestly, and are being cheated on in many ways.  He's not treating you or his wife right.  He's using you both.  I hate to say that, but some men are extremely selfish humans.  They don't know what they want, and they seem to be able to be sneaky and dishonest to their families just to get what they want from another person, and they get away with it!  Sometimes for years.    It's terrible, and I hope I have helped you a little bit.  Let me know what you think.   Good luck, and I am proud of you for trying to remedy your situation. 

Hi -   I usually post on the OW's board, but I like to read AW1970's stuff, which led me to you. 

Can I first say that I'm sorry for the grief that you are facing right now, but that I also admire the way you are responding.  You got on some meds, got a fulltime job, decided now to take your H back unless he's in therapy, etc.  Most of all, I'm very touched by your communications with AW.  You don't lash out in anger at everybody.  You have an open mind.  That, plus your brave steps to take care of yourself amid all these changes & instability are signs to me of your strength & ability to survive.  I wouldn't be surprised if, after some time, you decide that you don't want to take him back because you realize that you deserve better & he's not good enough.

I wanted to say one indelicate thing to you.  I'm an ex RN.  If you ever have sex with your H again, you must consider that he's exposed himself not only to what his OW may have, but to what everyone his OW has been with might have.  Please use condoms.  Viruses don't care who's married, who's cheating who's right and who's wrong.  He's caused you great harm. Don't allow hoim to expose you to a STD, or, god forbid, AIDS.

I apologize if I've been intrusive.

Hi again,

We could become friends!  Anyways, at least friends on the boards here.  I am doing o.k., holding up.  I am on medications, which I got on thankfully from the last time he did this three years ago, and it helps me tremendously.  I am not a person who likes to rely on medications at all, but I did have a bit of an anxiety problem all my life, and so when my husband left three years ago, I really was a crying mess.  I stayed on them, because it's helped me so much.  That's one reason I'm usually very calm, I'm not the type to lash out at you or anyone else unless there's a really huge reason to do so.  I just plug along, just got a full time job and am moving forward with myself.  I should probably go get a divorce soon, and I'm trying to get the strength to do that.  I'll probably have to move out of my house though, and we just bought this house a year ago, and I love it.  It's in a very nice area, and my son is right next door to his best friend, and it's been perfect for him.  So, anyways, I hope you can get out of this and you sound smart enough to do it and I hope you can someday.  It's probably just as hard as being married in a way.  It sounds like the guy is on his way to get a divorce??  Has he talked about marriage with you, or just staying together.  Does he know how you feel about being with a MM?  I'm sure he probably does.  Is this guy older/younger/?? It really saddens me to see men be unfair to women, and especially their wives.  It's good he's taking care of her financially, but he almost sounds like he's kind of unsure of his feelings??  Does he still love her???  I wonder what my husband tells whoever it is that he's seeing about me??  He told me he told her he was confused.  I think he's always confused.  We've been together since we were about 16.  Went to high school and grade school together.  We dated off and on sometimes in our twenty's because he could never stay faithful to me!  He'd always come back though so sorry for what he'd done.  I think he's doing it again! ? I probably should have caught onto that one better, but I guess I figured it was immaturity, and partying that had something to do with that.  Either way, sounds like we're both in a bad situation that makes us unhappy.  I haven't made great decisions either with men.  I didn't have many boyfriends before my husband, but they weren't good either.  My husband was the first to treat me the best as he tried to.  He adored me, but had so many problems of his own, such as drinking, that it got in the way.  I tried to support him as much as possible with that problem, but he never quit, which he should have.  After we had kids,  we got along really well, he loved being a father and tried to be a good husband, and nothing was perfect,  but we were happy.  I hope he realizes he made a mistake some day, but he claims he wasn't happy.  So, I can't argue with that one much.  He acts like he's bored with himself.  He was on the computer everyday almost all day, playing video games and it drove me nuts.  I tried to get him to go do other things, and it wasn't always easy.  I'd go in another room, and start crying because I couldn't get him to spend time with me.  So, now maybe he'll have some other person to be with, and he'll do more with her, that he wouldn't do with me????  Doesn't make that much sense to me, but it will probably happen, because I know that thrill of just meeting a person, leaving a wife, it's probably kind of exciting, at least for a little while.  Then, maybe he'll miss me eventually.  I am not that happy right now.  I'm trying to be, because I know I'll be just fine, and I have tons of support from my friends and family.  My parents are gone though, but I have a wonderful sister.  I'll get through it, just as you will also.  Whatever happens with you and he, I hope will be a good thing whichever way, and I hope he can be honest and clear with his wife so he won't treat her as I've been treated.  And also treat you with honesty???  It's either 100% in, or 100% out of the marriage, that's the way it should be.  Otherwise, you're confusing people and hurting people.  And that's not fair.  Men, I think sometimes they're jerks!    Can't live with them, can't live without them.  But right now, I think they're jerks!  Selfish, immature people, and I think I'd rather live without them for now!!!!  I love my animals.   They don't argue with me, or cheat on me.  They just love me for who I am not matter what!    Write again if you'd like, I'll be here anyways, probably comparing notes.  Take care.

He's the type to make decisions based on his feelings at the time without considering consequences.  He thought the wife would agree to the divorce because after the one affair he had that she found out about several years ago, she said she would let him go if he loved the woman.  He didn't want to take it that far, they reconciled, things were good for a year or so, then he started back with his cheating.  She didn't agree this time and is convinced he's going through some midlife crisis and will come back.  She guilts him with the kids, claims she'll be what he wants, etc.  So living in an apartment, feeling guilty about the kids, and feeling out of control has taken a toll on him.  Does he love her?  I asked him that, and he said he does but not like he loves me, and that he feels responsible for her.  Of course I wonder how someone could truly love somebody, at least in a marriage relationship, then cheat...repeatedly.  He has mentioned marriage to me.  But really, my level of self esteem is teetering on the empty side of the fuel gauge, so why in the world should I subject myself to becoming like his wife?  He goes over to see the kids several times a week, and I have no idea what convos he and his wife have now because I don't believe half of what he says.  I caught him in lies several months ago about those conversations and left briefly, but he begged me to come back and I did. So it's difficult for me to believe what he says he has told her.  I do know he told her he loves me...I saw proof of that when I caught him lying.  She has tried to talk him into being away from me for awhile, and that if he decided he still wanted to be with me, she would give him the divorce.  According to him at least.  I have to applaud her.  She's persistent.  I don't have that kind of determination.  LOL.  Anyway, in many ways it's in his best interest to go back.  Even his lawyer told him that.  Because he knows he can cheat, get away with it, spend more time with the kids, and not lose half of his net worth that he's worked so hard to accumulate.

I'll shed some light perhaps on the spending time with you deal...the MM and wife had that very problem.  She wouldn't have sex enough to his liking, he in turn wouldn't spend time with her or be affectionate to her, and it was a vicious cycle.  A lot of resentment built up between them because neither were having their needs met.  I don't know all about your situation, but maybe you can look back and figure out where it went wrong...what needs he had that maybe were not being met that made him retreat into his own world and not spend time with you, or maybe what needs you had that were not being met that may have caused you to put off signals to him that made him retreat.  Just something to think about.  But I think it's absolutely wonderful you have gone on with your life the way you have.  If I had half your coping skills, I think I would be so much better off.

Hello again,

Well, I feel actually bad that you have had to deal with all of that roller coaster stuff.  It's just about as bad as being on the other side, you know.  He sounds a bit confused, and probably guilt ridden, and I think the guilt gets to them really badly when they aren't divorced and they've found someone else in their life.  I believe my H is also the type that makes these quick decisions without thinking of consequences first.  It's really been the last 5 years or less that he's done that, and maybe he wasn't feeling so stable, or something, I'm not sure.  My H has bought so many things the past few years since he first said he wasn't happy.  Three years ago, he left - said he wasn't happy, and within a few days called and asked me if he could buy a Harley Davidson.  I was kind of shocked.  I said well, where's the money coming from??  We don't have that kind of money, and is that smart when you just left me????  So, he turned around and did it, charged it on a credit card, about 25,000.  I let it go.  He has a good job, and so I thought o.,k,., it made him feel better, maybe this is what he needs.  Well, it helped, but I'm not sure it solved any of his insecurities, or unhappiness.  After we got back together and moved to California because he took a job there with his company, which I told him also not to do, he just up and did it, and it was when we were actually separated, but not legally, I was a mess, and then all of the sudden he said he took this job out of state.  He asked me to come with him, and I was really unsure of doing it, but he got down on one knee and asked me to and thought it'd be good for us.  I said o.k.  We seemed to be o.k. there, we don't ague, so that wasn't ever a problem, but he played on that computer for so many hours a day when he wasn't working.  He's never been a good one to listen to my feelings, and do something I ask him, even if I ask ever so sweetly.  Doesn't usually work that well.  So, I think if he'd tried a little harder, we would have been at least listening to eachother's needs.  I saw him in the middle of the night, looking at those porn things on the internet, and that bothered me even more.  I was trying also to be Miss Sex Appeal in the bedroom, because that had been one of his problems he wasn't happy with.  So, I can't say that was it.  I didn't ask him though if he was unhappy, because I was really too afraid to, and now I wish I did, but I was afraid he'd say no I'm not, I'm leaving.  AGAIN.  So, I just stuck it out, and hoped for it to be all in my head.  He's been under a lot of stress at work, and I know he works extremely hard, so I try to give him leeway for that too.  I seem to always give him a break for anything and everything.  I'm the "too nice wife".  I need to be stronger, and move forward with or without him, because it's tearing my life apart inside.  Thank you for saying I have good coping skills, I don't feel like I do, but maybe I don't realize it.  I just know I'm depressed without him, even though he didn't give me a lot of attention.  Things weren't all bad, so I don't want you to think they were.   He just hadn't told me he loved me for quite a while, and I should have clued in and took that more seriously.  I was just afraid to bother him about it.  When he left three years ago, I was basically paralyzed from him doing that to me and our family, and it really damaged many things, my trust in him, the relationship we did have was somewhat gone, and we should have continued therapy to get that fixed.  But didn't.  We'd had three years of it, and I was basically tired of therapy.  Since I didn't feel it helped us that much.  He still was unhappy, and the things he was unhappy about to me, were strange.  This thing he's had about me finding a passion in life, gets to me.  I think why does it bother him so much that I don't have a ton of hobbies??  If I'm happy the way I am, and I'm fairly busy, why does it bother him so much he'd have to leave me??  He actually told me recently, if I didn't get  to find out what makes me passionate about something, That he wouldn't be able to come back.  Lifting his lip up as he said it.  It was actually kind of funny!  But strange at the same time.  I do so many things for us as a family, that I'm a busy person most of the time.  Yeah, I do sit and watch t.v., that's while I'm cleaning, and doing bills, or whatever else needs to be done.  All the while, he sits on the computer upstairs in a room that I can't even see or talk to him and I go there to give him hugs and talk to him because I miss him!  I try to give him plenty of attention in that way, but actually I need it too.  So, it is a strange situation, I cannot figure him out.  I don't call him, give him guilt trips or anything.  I am thinking if I stay away totally, he will better be able to figure himself out.  All the while, I guess he's seeing someone else so I don't think that will help our situation out at all.  I'm figuring this is probably coming to an end, because I'm not going to compete with some other woman,  if that's what he wants.  It's very hurtful to me, that he has been with someone else, and I don't feel like I've done anything wrong and he's put me in a terrible predicament, and left his whole family.  Leaving the kids I think is the hardest thing for him.  But if someone ends up leaving, they should think, hey, I'm leaving them too!  Because nothing is the same after they leave.  My daughter doesn't think too highly of her father right now.  Especially when he's decided to be with another woman.  She's very shocked at his behavior.  She has said she used to think he was a genius, and now she is thinking he's a ---- well, I won't say it here.  She's very disappointed in him.  NEVER thought he'd do a thing like this.  I did start a new job today, and so I feel like I'm trying to move forward, even though I hate it., don't want to, and sometimes would like to crawl inside a hole and not come out till next year -- maybe....  !  lol....    I know it will take time for me to get used to it.  But I think I'm doing the right thing for myself, and finances, and my kids.  They don't like to see me sitting around being sad and alone.  They want to see mom being strong, forging forward no matter what the odds are, and I don't blame them at all.  Having a mom be all sad and depressed, and feeling sorry for herself is nauseating, to say the least.  It does help so much to come here and do some writing, and get feedback, especially from what you have given, I want you to know it's helped me a lot.  I guess we've got something in common here, even though it's different situations, we still have the same feelings in a lot of ways.   Maybe we can comfort eachother, somehow get through all of it, and become stronger and learn from it.  I hope so.  Maybe other people here too, can learn by reading it.  They've all got this in common with eachother, it's something that millions of people go through, and it sure helps to have someone or many people to vent to.  Thank you for all you've done.  WL