Topic : Divorce Support

 hello, I am trying to get some advice. my husband and I have been off and on again for about 6 years now. We would seperate and get back together. for the past two years he has been living in nashville,tn with another woman and her two children. We were planning on reconciling twice last year but each time I decided I couldn't do it . Not because I didn't want to but because I didn't know what I was doing or saying because I was cycling between depression and mania ( I was diagnosed as having a Bipolar type I disorder in 2003). Now I am am better. I had even suggested that if he doesn't love me and doesn't come back then we need to file for a divorce. he was against this( that's what he told his mother) so for almost a year I have waited for his return. I was finally able to contact him by phone and his "girlfriend" answered. she asked me who I was and I told her I was his wife. She stated ex-wife ( he has been telling her that we have been divorced for the past 3 yrs).I explained to her that we are not divorced, he refused to give me one. He got on the phone and I asked him if he loved her and he said no, he told me the situation was a means to and end, that he was only there because he has no where else to go. I told him he could come back home and we can work this out. I am willing to let everything that has happened between us in the past go and start fresh. She disconnected our call. I have sent him letters and have not gotten a response. I believe she is screening his mail and throws it away. I don't know what to do. I still love him and I know that this time we can make it work.

I am a bit confused as to what your husband is up to.  He is living with a woman who has children just because he has no where else to go so he says.  He has told his girlfriend that he is divorced and he is not.  He doesn't want a divorce but he can't pick up the telephone to call you??????  Sounds like he's playing the both of you.

While I'm all for second chances - I still can't understand why he can't write you or pick up the phone???

My parents seperated, it feels like I've been repeatedly stabbed and my soul has ripped in two. Every time I see a big family or think about christmas or easter and birthdays etc, all I want to do is cry, I feel like the pain will never end because I will never have my family again. I act like I am over it because people expect you to move on but Im definatly not. I need some happiness so bad. I ended up in hospital the other week after a long weekend. my friends just think its funny. I feel so alone. life has no meaning anymore and nothing is like it used to be. It feels worse than death.

Thankyou for listening anyhow

I remember those feelings well. My parents had a terrible divorce when I was a kid and remember it like yesterday. I thought my life was over, but the truth is, it was just different, a new chapter. I had a lot of tough times growing up, but it would have been a little easier if I had known that when I became an adult some wonderful things would happen to me that have over shadowed those bad timed. It also made me stronger. I am going through tough times now and I completly understand the pain that feels worse than death, as I am feeling the same now, the difference is I know that if I hang on there are going to be more great things to come in the future. The lousier the present gets, the more I work towards the future. Your friends may be laughing you off due to not knowing what to say to you. Try to find someone that can listen, maybe it could be a sibling, your parents, a school counselor, coach, or a minister/preacher. If you can, find an outlet for those pent up emotions, it can be anything from reading or crocheting to boxing or martial arts, just don't sit idle and let those bad feelings eat at your insides. Also, be sure to get up and shower and take care of yourself every day. They are little things to do that will help you make it through. I remember when my parents split, after awhile, I would forget what was going on for a moment and laugh or have some fun, then I would remember  and things would come crashing down and I would feel guilty because I shouldn't be having any fun. That is totally false. Take any happy thoughts and moments, and be thankful as you deserve them. Be strong and hang in there as there are wonderful things waiting to happen in the future.  "Susan"

THIS IS LONG. THANKS TO THOSE WHO READ AND RESPOND...My life is a mess right now and really just need a neutral place to bounce my story off of...This is going to take a bit, so here goes.I got married to my wife in 1999. We were both 20 years old. I will be the first to admit that we probably got married too soon. In Feb. 2000 she came home from work and informed me that she no longer wanted to be married and I needed to go. I new things were a little rough, but I truly didn't expect it. It came to my attention a little while into this separation that she was seeing a married co-worker and that the seeds of that relationship started a few months prior. We kept working on things during our separation, but this other guy kept coming up. Eventually in Nov. of 2000 she informs me that she is pregnant. This guy was being a total ass and she was scared so I told her that I would be there for her. I moved back in. Eventually we found out that we were having twins. I have been there father from day one and always will be.After the twins were born things were good for a while. A couple of years later we had another son. During this time and still today I am the stay at home parent. Also during the time after my son was born I also had to get a full time 3rd shift job. My wife eventually got a really good job in a town about 40 minutes away. We were actually kinda excited because the money coming in was really nice. The problem was that I was only getting 4hrs a sleep a day. Home all day with the kids, sleep 4hrs while my mom/wife watched the kids, then work all night. This was really wearing on me and I was getting irritable and sad that I never got to spend time with my wife. After a weekend vacation with my wife I told her that I saw our marriage going down the toilet if things didn't change. We decided together that since she had the better job I would leave mine so that we could be together more and also so I could be more awake and alert for the kids. Here's the rub...less than a month(June 2004) later she says she is moving out. That the marriage isn't working. I was addmittedly in shock. Look, I knew the marriage was sucking, but I was under the impression that we were taking steps to fix it. Understandibly I felt quite worked over. I was now left jobless and in a home that because of previous money problems were behind on and she just stopped paying for. During this second separation I got a new 3rd shift job and was back to the grind of keeping four kids all day(including my stepdaughter), sleeping 4 hours then working. The only difference is that my wife would come get the kids and then I would pick them up on my way home. I was actually doing alright. My wife and I kept talking and around Nov/Dec of 2004 we decided to give it one more chance. Here's the thing. I knew that during this separation she was seeing someone at work. This one didn't bother me as much as the other because it came after the breakup. I didn't like it, but it didn't feel as much of a betrayal. Never the less, she informs me that she is pregnant. Same sorry story with the guy. Once again I took on the responisiblity. After we decided we were really going to give a go I left my job so that I could focus on the marriage and the kids. We both knew it could never work if we never saw each other. I left my job because I didn't believe in doing things just because I was worried my marriage was about to end. I did't like operation with one foot already out the door. Things rough at first, but got lots better. I would say that our marrige in 2005 was the best it had ever been. In July 2006 we finally moved to the city where my wife worked. I had been worried about this in the past because with 5 kids it was hard to leave your support system behind, but I eventually came around and was actually pretty excited about it. My wife had always said she felt like she had two lives with work and home separated so much. It made her really upset a lot. It was another reason I thought the move would be great. Well we are now here... Less than a month after we moved I could tell something was bothering her and I called her on it. I wanted to know what was going on. She told me that she wasn't happy, and hadn't been in some time. She told me she didn't feel like working on our marriage anymore. That we had become these different people. She said she felt I didn't want to divorce only because I didn't want to lose my great life, and any good things I had done in the past were only means to that end. She basically called me a moocher with no motivation. We had a bad month of spending. We spent way too much money on things we didn't need. She all of a sudden told me how if I didn't get job we would be forever broke. All I asked is if this is really what needed to happen, or could we fix our spending habits. I just wanted to make sure that going back to work was really what was best for us. I have no problem getting a job. She blasted me because I didn't jump right on it. I have also found that she is spending tons of time on the phone with a former boss, and I am pretty sure more is going on. I am at loss. I have invested so much of my life into this. I quit school and worked two jobs while she was pregant with the twins because she was on bed rest. I never went back because I guess that I always could when the kids were in school full time. It kept getting pushed back because we kept having kids. I am admittedly scared of what will happen next. I honestly think we could work it out, but she just tends to always look outside our marriage when things get hard. She bottles things up and blasts them on me. I will admit I haven't been the perfect husband all the time, but this just seems too much. Am I nuts for wanting to work it out? I feel so bad for my 5 kids. What do you guys think I should do?

I am kind of that guy right now. All I can say to you is that maybe you are holding on to things that skew your view of him. What do you mean by saying you have grown and he hasn't? Let him know how you feel. You might be surprised at what will change if he knows what is going on. He might realize you are upset, but not know what to do. If he is a nice as you say he is then I don't think he would let you down if you really give him a chance. If he is anything like me he just wants to know how to make you happy, and will do anything to make it happen. My wife who wants to leave has said some the same things you are saying. My wife says she doesn't want to hurt me and that I am such a great guy, but then choses not to even try to fix things. It breaks my heart. Just give it a real chance before you do anything rash.

This other woman is not "keeping" your husband from you. She can "screen" all she wants, but if you husband wanted to leave, I'm sure he's capable of doing that. Your husband is happy where he's at, even if he's telling you something else. Hes actions speak louder than words. I'd say after 6 years of trying, this is a relationship that will never get fixed. Don't "wait" for him any longer. You may love him, but it sounds like he is playing the double-talk game with you.

 

See an attorney and file for divorce.

Well, I know I haven't heard her side of the story, but you present some horribly damning evidence against her. Frankly, it makes me angry to hear about her complete disregard for responsibility. Did anyone ever teach her about birth control (for starters)?? Have you been checked for STD's?

 

Why are these men not paying child support? I'd have an attorney on their a**es in a heartbeat. You sound incredibly loving to take on children that are the result of an affair. The kids certainly aren't to blame for any of this.

 

Obviously, this girl lacks maturity and common sense. You are not nuts for wanting to work this out, but it's a two way street. And if she's hell bent on having children with other men while you are married, I'd be filing divorce papers this afternoon.

I think your wife needs so serious therapy and needs to get her tubes tied as well.  What ever happened to birth control?  She is cheating on you and having unprotected sex????  Please get yourself tested asp.

 

As far as the marriage is concerned, you're a bigger man than anybody I know.  Your wife never seems to be happy and puts it on you when she obviously can't be happy with herself living the life and betrayals she's been leading.  Cheating is a pattern for her and I highly doubt it will ever end.  You have a lot of choices to make, you can stay with her and spend the rest of your life wondering who she is sleeping with this time, you can divorce her or you can try marriage counseling. 

She really needs to grow up.   She continuelly hurts you, lies to you, cheats on you  - and you carry on as if nothing has happened.  Why in the world are you with her? She's got a house full of children - does she even consider what she is doing to them?  What kind of role model is she to them?  Things get tough so you go outside of your marriage to have an affair and walk in the door pregnant?  Sorry but if it was me, I'd call it a day.  Now I realize that you are not perfect but don't you deserve a lot better than this? 

It all sounds so ridiculous when I actually articulate it to someone. I have never really had an out to talk to because none of close friends or family know that the kids that aren't mine aren't mine. As far as they know all the kids except my stepdaughter are mine.The reason we don't go for child support is because these guys have made their own choices to not be part of my kids lives. And frankly that is how I want it. I am their father. Name on the birth certificate and all. For all the crappy things she has done to me, she is a great mother(no matter how the kids came about) and that is actually one of the reasons I still care for her so much. I know I should give it up, but I have invested so much of my life to this. I have made choices that will make it harder for me to provide for my kids outside of this marriage. I know that is just an excuse, but that doesn't make the prospect any easier for me. Thanks for your input guys.