Quote From: boafusI have been happily married for 12 years and have three children. We have had our problems but none that we were not able to get past. Two weeks ago my wife told me here feelings have changed for me. My wife told my the problem was that I was always rude to her and I had to drink to be with her. She said this made her feel unwanted and she begain to hate herself. I know i sometimes say rude things and it is not what I say that is rude it is how they are said. I have had this problem for a long time and I do this to everyone. It is not intentional and I don't even mean to do it. I have explained this to her several times, but she says it was because she is not important enough to me for me to stop. I know I was drinking more than I should have and choose to do nothing about it. She did mention it a couple of times , but I became offended that she was accusing me of being an alcoholic. My drinking made her feel like I had to be drunk to be with or around her. This is entirely untrue. I love my wife more than anything and am trying everything I know to do to save our marriage. Also, to complicate things further she told me an ex-mutual friend had showed her some attention that she felt she was not getting from me which made her feel better about herself. Then she told me that from watching the Dr. Phil Show he has said that if you don't like the way something is do something about it and that is what she is doing. I told her I can understand that but I don't feel Dr. Phil meant to stop loving your husband or tear your family apart. The only answer my wife can give me is " I need time" and " I don't know". My wife can't tell me that she loves me but when I ask her she says she does but can't answer why she can not say it. When I ask her about what she means by time she can't answer that one either. Most the time the time she refers to needing to get away from me when she get aggravated talking to me about our problem. My children are aware of the problem and are upset at thier mother for not trying to fix this. They see me trying to win back the love of my life and then watch thier mother be cold and distant. My wife has talked to her sister about this and her sister has told me she doesn't know what is wrong with with wife and doesn't know why she is acting this way. I know this probally doesn't make since because I can't sleep, eat, or think anymore. I feel like I am losing everything that I have and am. If you need any clarifacation on anything please ask. I desperately need advice to fix my marriage.
Do you feel you have a drinking problem? How much and how often do you drink? What if you ARE an alcoholic? Are you ready to give up drinking? If you KNOW you were drinking too much, why did you choose to ignore your wife's concerns?
Are you prepared to go to counseling and/or Alcoholics Anonymous to save your marriage? From where I'm sitting, that's about the only thing that MAY save it and that may not even work.
I think one of two things is happening with your wife. 1) she is not being completely honest with you about her reasons for her unhappiness and by that I mean the level of her hurt regarding your rudeness or 2) she honestly doesn't know how she feels. People do change and they do grow apart. If she has grown apart, she can decide to grow back toward you, if she wants to.
If you have been saying rude things and they are hurting your wife or perhaps even devastating her, regardless of your intent, the things you are saying DO HURT and DO take a toll. Is it possible that you say these rude things when you are drunk? If so, wouldn't NOT drinking help you to stop being so rude?
My Ex used to say rude things to me (and often more than rude things) and he would excuse it away too. He would even say he didn't mean it. But his actions (i.e. his words) told me different. He DID mean it and it ruined our marriage.
I do not think you should put ANY pressure on your wife to remain or repair the relationship until she has a better handle of what SHE wants out of HER life. You can not force someone to love you and if you try, you will only create MORE resentment. You also should not manipulate someone into staying in a realtionship that is potentially harmful to THEM. It would be selfish of you to ask/require her to work on something that is harming HER. I mean, how UNCARING is that?
I would suggest that you seek counseling with or without your wife because it takes TWO people to ruin a relationship. She had her part. You had yours. The only part you can do anything about is your part. If I were you, I would invite her to go with you and perhaps she can gain enough clarity to decide what is best for her and hopefully that will be what is best for BOTH of you and your marriage. I also suggest that you take a good hard look in the mirror and honestly answer my first question to you.
Take care, Q
