Topic : Divorce Support

 Any debt that you have not put your signature to is not, by law, your's. You can not be help legally liable to repay those debts. No debtor or debt collector can force you to repay that debt...though they will do their best to convince you you are in trouble if you don't. If the judge says you are married and therefore responsible for 1/2 assert and do everyhting possible to convince and show you didn't, that you had no knowledge of the debts he aquired and should not be held responsible for what he did behind your back and will likely run out on.

cant just kick  you out of your own house if your name is on the deed. Unless you are somewhat abusive or something. Its not that easy to get kicked out of a home; really. Your job is also very important so dont worry about that. If I were you I would start working part time or have some of your own income. There is nothing worse than not having your own money.In some cases if you do file for divorce or she does the judge could award you alimony. It works both ways along with half of the assets and half of the debts. Usually the first consult about divorce with an attorney is free. Check it out if only for peace of mind. You dont have to lay down money right away. There are also legal services that go on a sliding scale and things like that. Check it out on the net where you live.

Thanks everyone. I am trying to keep the communication open and have expressed interest in working out our problems but she is very hesitant. She says she's just had enough and is tired of being unhappy. It really bothered me though when I asked her, does she know for sure what makes her so unhappy and she said no. In my eyes I would want to know the cause of the problem before I tried to fix it. I feel she's just misplacing that unhappiness onto me because of some things that irritate her (but every relationship has them). She's even open to the possibility of her being dpressed or the unhappiness is with her and that makes a divorce even more upsetting.

 

I know she's always had a problem with me staying at home. Part of it was that she wished she could do it and part of it was that she wanted me to work. She said she respected me more when I was contributing financially. I can see her point on that but I can also see, that while she brought home so much money, that I could actually find something I liked to do after my son went to preschool (which is this year...he already goes for 1 hour, 1X a week). If my working situation was the main problem it would have been solved really soon so it kills me that she's doing this now. I use the analogy that "it's like running 3/4 of the race and you can see the finish line ahead but you want to quit now". Why go through all that hard work to stop when the end it so close.

 

And just to be clear, we aren't struggling financially. I could see her point alot better if we lived paycheck to paycheck and couldn't afford things but we don't . She works 3 days a week (off Wednesday-Sunday) and makes the equivalent of 4-5 times what individual people in my area make. Thats why I don't see why she can't try to work on things until my son goes to preschool and I start working and see if that makes her any happier.

 

I'm just really confused right now. I emailed Dr. Phil to get on the show and I'm praying that I can (so if anyone from the show is readin gplease put us on the air). As for the lawyer I'm still looking. I'm unsure how to go about it because she has all the money in her account (she's blocked my access) and I don't have anything. I''m resorting to selling everything that is mine just to get some money for the initial cost of a lawyer. Thats really upsetting as well.

 

Most people know that, while there are exceptions, woman get the better end of the deal in divorces. It's usually the husband paying alimony, child support, leaving the house, and if so paying  for the wife to live there until she can afford it herself. I'm just scared that the judge will look at it as I'm lazy & not working and award the house,kids, and everything else to her because I can't afford it. Then if I do get a part-time job now it's just another divorce and she'll get the house & kids like most divorces go. Thats why I'm afraid to be kicked out of my house. This family has meant everything to me and I would live in a cardboard box and be happy as long as I had them.

The problem here is I feel like I have and will continue to give in to her but I'd like the same in return. Her idea of working on things has been to allow me time to work on things. I don't get that. I've changed alot of things bout me that she didn't like and while yea I'm a better man for it I feel that she shouldn't always expect me to change for her and her not be willing to change anything for me.

 

As for the dad question, it pretty much goes back to when we first started dating. She was 14 and I was 16. Her dad hated that age difference (not that big of a deal but I guess it is while in school). That resulted in us not being able to do many things together so we did alot of sneaking around. Well alot of sneaking around got her pregnant when she was 16 and that made him even more angry. But when she graduated we got married and he started to come around (what else could he do) but thats when his personality started clashing with mine. He's very much a control freak and he's tried to implement that onto my family. He has no respect for me as a husband and doesn't think of this house as it's own seperate family.  Me an dmy wife got into fights all the time because of this. That when you move out, get married, and have your own family it should be "it's own" and not just me comign into her famliy (so to speak).

 

I  mean this man would stop by almost everyday, unannounced, and stay for 3.4,5, however many hours.And if that wasn't bad enough he always treated our home like it was a playhouse in his backyard for us to be married in. He would come over and if he saw something he didn't like or wanted to do, her would do it without ever saying a word. I don't remember how many times I've come out of the shower or something and he would be sitting in my kitchen (wife not home) because he just lets himself in. I asked my wife to have a talk with him cause things needed to change. There have been a few times when we were in intimate situations and he would call (of course we didn't answer), then he would knock on the door cause he called while outside our house (no answer), then proceed to come in and see if anyone was home. Add all that onto his always calling the house and such and I just got fed up. I told her, again, that something had to be done. He needed to respect our boundries and this family as a seperate family from his own. She was mad that I didn't want him over anymore (which was an exageration) and thats has contibuted to our current situation.

 

I didn't see anything wrong with what I asked and just as of yesterday she said she could see my point......but nothing has changed. We are both kinda stubborn about things and I almost think that she's being stuborn about some of these things just to hurt me and get her way.

 

Yesterday she went and seen a lawyer to have papers drawn up but she has him waiting on until she's ready to file them. I didn't see the point in that cause if you came to the decision to get a lawyer and have papers drawn up there should be no more thinking about things. She should think about things before going that far. Part of me feels that she's just doing it to make her point of how serious she is but then another part of me can feel that she doesn't seem to care like she used to (but that might just be a block she's putting up). As you can see it's a very difficult situation.

 

 

SO SOMEBODY PLEASE GET ME ON THE DR. PHIL SHOW!!!

I just don't know what else to do.  

 

We've been married 15 years,  had our struggles along the way,  most of the more serious ones in the past year.  We've been working, talking, listening and it seems as soon as we take one step forward it's three steps back.   We've discussed divorce more than once,  the first time 10 years ago.   It's popped back up a few more times since then,  and more often most recently.  I was ready to go about a month ago and told him so and he made it clear he would fight me for the kids.   That stopped me in my tracks and I decided to try again.  He made a big show the next day of going and buying Dr. Phil's book and talking about how he wants to work on us and how we each have to "be the hero".    That lasted about 2-3 weeks and he's made it through MAYBE 40 pages of the book.  I have read the book and completed all the exercises and have made it through 4 other books in the meantime (yes, I'm a reader, and he is not, but if he's going to make a show of it like he's trying then I think he should do it.).    While he tries not to yell and be condescending to me,  the old habits are showing up again...things we've discussed and he knows and understands are detrimental to our relationship.   This is his pattern,  he pledges to do better and in a couple of weeks it's the same old thing. 

 

I haven't spoken to him since Monday (today is Friday).  He came home from work and threw a temper tantrum over something silly.   I'm not mad at him.  I'm just TIRED.

 

I'm tired of trying and being the hero.  when there's something that needs discussed I'm the one that brings it up.  When I say I'm done he plays the kids against me,  or tries to manipulate me into thinking I'm better off staying (Like telling me I'll end up old and alone and bitter). 

 

I have an appointment with an attorney next week.  I'm scared to death and I feel like a failure,  feel like I should just "put up" with it because he's not abusive and generally speaking he's a good father (although he doesn't work on his relationship with our daughter at all).   

 

I guess I just need to somehow know this is the right thing to do.  I'm not perfect, by any means, and I've done more than my share of detrimental things in this relationship.  But I know that I HAVE made big changes and while he's good at making grandious gestures his follow through sucks.   

Its not that cut and dry and easy like you are thinking? I am in the process of divorce and I did not get the house for myself;  nor can I stay in the house alone. There is no alimony for me and each case is different.  I did not get  the better deal in my divorce. If I were you I would seek out counseling for  yourself and then ask her if you two can go to marital counseling. I hate when marriages end. Is there something you are not telling  us here?

There are two sides of a story also. If you not working bothers your wife so much can you get a part time job when she is at home if she has four days off? What happens on the days that she has off? Who does the cleaning, shopping, cooking and all that good stuff.

As Dr.Phil says it time for you and your wife to renegotiate your marriage.

I know it's not that cut & dry but statistically I'm at a disadvantage. There's not much I'm not telling you but of course there's always 2 sides to every story. Thats why I wrote her complaints down like I did. So everyone can get a feel of my situation. Like I said before, I planned on getting a job here soon because I see no need to me to be home while both my kids go to school. I thought if that was her main problem with me then she could see the "light at the end of the tunel". I've had problems keeping jobs in the past (although I was laid off the last one and they uit paying for my college tuition) and I'm beginning to think depression is a factor. I've suffered from depression since I was abused as a child but I feel I haven't let it affect my marriage (though I am open to the possibility that my judgement is clouded in that regard). I just don't see why she's ending a marriage without finding out the problem. She is open to the possibility that maybe it's her that she's unhappy with but she still won't change her mind and figure that part out first.

 

As for the cookign and cleaning I do most of it however there are things she does that she won't let me do. I don't do laundry because she's anal about the way clothes are folded. It drives her crazy so she does that. And since I can't fold them I wait to do laundry until she gets home so they dont' sit there and get wrinkled. She does sometimes cook because she is a far better cook than me. But never when she works...only on the days off. when she works I usually had dinner ready for her whe she got out of the shower. As far as cleaning I did that work. We both do the shopping together cause we feel like we actually get out of the house. 

I am so sorry you are going through this stuff. Your poor kids. Anyway: I was wondering that it sounds like to me your wife is harboring alot of past resentment on you. All the things that she didnt like about you in the past she stuffed inside herself and now is harboring all of that resentment and maybe because of the bad things from the past she cant forgive you.

I was in a verbally abusive marriage with a somewhat controlling man and although we tried to work it out and he got better I still had all of those bad memories and resentments that I stopped loving my ex and there was nothing else left. My emotions were shut down and I was damged emotionally from all that crap so I had to move on. Its dreadful but two people cant stay together if there is no love or anything. If I were you and I am not and your wife goes through with the divorce then all you can do is be the best parents you can and co-parent and dont have any hate for each other. By the way; I dont want to ask; but could she have a boyfriend? So sorry!!!