Topic : Divorce Support

I live in Ohio. Though I dont' know all the Ohio laws regarding these issues I worry that I will be discriminated against because Ilive is a small town where the man is supposed to work and if you don't your a bumb. I can see that sterotype spilling over into the court room. I am all for anything that will save my marriage and I have mentioned going to a marriage counsilor in recent days but she thinks it is best that I go for myself before we worry about going for  our marriage and I guess if thats what it takes then I will start that process. She has been going to a counsilor for a little while now to work out issues that she has. It confuses me though that she wouldn't have a better understanding of whats making her unhappy since she does go to counsiling. I asked her if they ever talked about it and she said yes but apparently she doesn't know anymore now.

I would like to point out that her going to a counsilor now and in the past has been for a problem that we experienced in the past. Back when we were young and stupid we had a threesome with another woman. Soon after my wife began to hate me for that. It wasn't anyone's idea to have one, it just happened but she still has anger for me because she still pictures me with another woman.....and I can understand that. She also went out and had an affair soon after and I have a hard time dealing with that sometimes. It's better when things are going great between us but there's always those times where it just comes into mind for no reason. Thats why she went to a counsilor in the first place but she stopped after a while because things were so good between us. That was a few years ago and now she's back at the counsilor's for that and her unhappiness. I can understand her still having anger because of the threesome deal cause it angers me too but I thought it was something we got past.

Not sure if that has something to do with all this but she's never mentioned that as the reason she's unhappy now. She did bring it up lastnight that she still thinks about that stuff though.

oh yea...a soap opera it is. I thought we were past that though. Most of the soap opera stuff came when we were young and immature. Thats when I also went out to bars all night and hung out a friends houses all the time. She wanted me to change back then and she had every right to. It was hard to change but I see now that it wasn't right what I was doing and I love being a family man now.

Are there any certain marriage retreats you suggest? After knowing her so long I think I know what she's feeling. She still loves me but she's put up a wall because she's been unhappy (for whatever reason). She would love to work it out but is afraid that it'll be just a repeat of the last time we tried to work things out. When she feels unhappy about things it's always easier to project everything onto me and see the tings that I do to make her unhappy instead of seeing the whole picture. I think she might do it but it'll take convincing. If I knew she would be happy divorced then I would do that but I think she can be happy married again. We just hav to work on it starting by her unhappiness issues. I mean when we are having our good times our love just illuminates. We are always trying to please the other and making that effort. Thats the part that we have to try to get back. We need to work on issues that we have in a contructive manner and not set ourselves up for failure. I just need to get her to take that step and try.

Okay; You have got some hope going and that is good. I personally dont know of any marriage retreats but you will need a whole weekend without your kids. I mentioned Harville Hendrix. He is excellent and holds workshops and retreats on marriage and he has been on Oprah and Dr.Phil. Google him and then get some of his books. He is smart when it comes to this stuff.

Also; Google marriage retreats and counselors in your area and see what you can find. I will look it up for you from here and then post if I can. You live in Ohio so that is a big place and should have something.

This is minor but maybe today you can buy some flowers and make a nice dinner and just be

somewhat romantic towards her even if she doesnt respond. Atleast you are trying.

Let us know!!!

I just don't know what else to do.  

We've been married 15 years,  had our struggles along the way,  most of the more serious ones in the past year.  We've been working, talking, listening and it seems as soon as we take one step forward it's three steps back.   We've discussed divorce more than once,  the first time 10 years ago.   It's popped back up a few more times since then,  and more often most recently.  I was ready to go about a month ago and told him so and he made it clear he would fight me for the kids.   That stopped me in my tracks and I decided to try again.  He made a big show the next day of going and buying Dr. Phil's book and talking about how he wants to work on us and how we each have to "be the hero".    That lasted about 2-3 weeks and he's made it through MAYBE 40 pages of the book.  I have read the book and completed all the exercises and have made it through 4 other books in the meantime (yes, I'm a reader, and he is not, but if he's going to make a show of it like he's trying then I think he should do it.).    While he tries not to yell and be condescending to me,  the old habits are showing up again...things we've discussed and he knows and understands are detrimental to our relationship.   This is his pattern,  he pledges to do better and in a couple of weeks it's the same old thing. 

I haven't spoken to him since Monday (today is Friday).  He came home from work and threw a temper tantrum over something silly.   I'm not mad at him.  I'm just TIRED.

I'm tired of trying and being the hero.  when there's something that needs discussed I'm the one that brings it up.  When I say I'm done he plays the kids against me,  or tries to manipulate me into thinking I'm better off staying (Like telling me I'll end up old and alone and bitter). 

I have an appointment with an attorney next week.  I'm scared to death and I feel like a failure,  feel like I should just "put up" with it because he's not abusive and generally speaking he's a good father (although he doesn't work on his relationship with our daughter at all).   

I guess I just need to somehow know this is the right thing to do.  I'm not perfect, by any means, and I've done more than my share of detrimental things in this relationship.  But I know that I HAVE made big changes and while he's good at making grandious gestures his follow through sucks.