Topic : Divorce Support

Michael 72 & sandy0914 -

Thank you both for the encouragement. Somedays it is so hard to get out of bed and do what i need to do. I am scared that these feelings of missing my husband, and my loneliness will never go away. i WANT them to go away but i think what if they never do, and i feel like this for the rest of my life??? i feel so lost. i never thought i would be in this situation (who does) and i feel like i just can't come to terms with it. This man was supposed to love me and be with me for the rest of our lives and now he just goes? it makes me feel awful  that he doesn't seem to think i am worth it enough to work on our marriage.

You're not alone out there dunluc.  Believe me, I know how hard it can get.  I met my wife when I was 16/17 years old, and we were married 2 years later when she became pregnant with our first son.  Nobody thought we would make it.  We've been through my alcoholism, her infidelities because of the neglect of the alcoholism, and then 10 years of my severe depression following my last drink.

It sounds like nothing but misery, I know, but through that we had 4 beautiful kids, own our own home in one of the best school districts in Central NJ, and have always had each other when we got through those hard times.  I'm 34 years old, and I've known my wife for 18 years and have been married for 16 years.  She's also been my best friend for the last 16 years.  I've caused alot of damage, even in sobriety, due to my neglect of myself and my family.  Life gets chaotic, especially trying to take care of 4 kids, and I started missing my AA meetings and falling into a deep depression, which I am just now starting to address.  My wife feels like I will not change and wants a divorce, because it's been 11 years now since I sobered up, and I've isolated myself due to the stress & depression.

It's hard to let someone go that you've been with for so long, especially because I still love her, and a person who has touched and had such an impact on your life.  The hardest thing however, is to keep the focus on myself while I feel this way, because if I don't, I'll never change, and things will never get better.  It's all in the Serenity Prayer ~

God, Grant me the Serenity to Accept the Things I cannot Change,

The Courage to Change the Things I can,

And the Wisdom to Know the Difference

I know it's hard, I'm right there with you, but no matter what happens, you have to take care of yourself first, and I have to take my own advice.

Take care    

Jeez this really sucks, but have talked to some friends, family and really no one has truly given me thier feedback or thoughts...only that 'we will support you no matter what'...I am blessed in that regard.

Quick background:

Married 3 years.  Dated 3 years prior to that.  I am in my mid 30's.  First marriage.  Husband is late 30's - 2nd marriage - 2 kids (wonderful, with us over 50%).  We are very different in our approaches to many things, but that was what made life so fun for the first 4 years.  He balanced me, I introduced him to new things.

To be honest, I keep feeling that I made a horrible mistake in getting married.  I was very independant and comfortable prior to meeting him, so its not that I got married just 'to be married'.  I loved what we did in helping one another grow, the family we all were when with the kids, his family, how my family enjoyed him etc.

I just dont feel that way any more.  I dont feel that I have any of the independance that he said he so admired in me.  I have a much more difficult time dealing with ex wife issues than I thought I would (the fact that she influences what the kids think - sometimes in an inappropriate manner, the fact that as primary earner in our household - I often feel like I am essentially supporting her through the paymetns my husband makes, etc), the fact that my husband seems to have been able to create the life he always envisioned through our marriage, and yet, I feel I have lost the opportunity to live many dreams.  My lifestyle has changed 100%.  Granted some of it for the good - I have become more responsible, more reliable, I have grown tremendously in my career.  But while my family benefits from the careeer growth, I am constantly being hounded for 'when will you be home, why are you working, etc etc...for the $ I am making - it is NOT a 40hr/week job.  I would give anything to retrain and move into something I am passionate about.  But at less than 1/3 the income to do that, it is not an option.  I miss simple things such just being able to grab a glass of wine after work, going to the bathroom w/o anyone asking "what are you doing", spending a day in silence and reading, making decisions on what my needs and wants are, not everyone elses, cooking dinner with out at least one person asking - ew what is that....

So here are my conflicts....

I feel selfish - am I?

I honestly feel no fear, anger, or remorse when I 'see' myself leaving as it pertains to my future, BUT

I fear for my husband - he is a good man - for someone, just not me - but what about the stigma of being divorced twice.  How will his children respond to this and feel about him (there are already some signs that his daughter may be indirectly influence by his first divorce - Dad, you are mean, Dad you should appreciate xxx more etc)

I fear for the children, I know they love me.  They were young enough when we married that they think nothing of having a step mother as a 3rd parent.  How does this impact them?

I am certain there are many items to this 'story' that are left out, pieces of the puzzle that would help make sense of it all, but based on what I have provided here - any thoughts are appreciated.

Oh one more item - I did decided to see a relationship counselor about 6 months ago.  After a few visits, my husband joined me for a couple.  He did not seem to 'Get' that seeing a counselor was a critical statment with regards to our marriage.  I went a couple of more times after our joint visit.  The counselor was truly steering me straight to leaving him.  I was a bit angry as I felt that the counselors role was to help provide alternatives to leaving - to suggest ways to try to make it work.  So I stopped going and was determined to make it work.  Things had been 'ok' for a little while (primarily meaning, I tried to brush much of the feelings listed above behind me and throw myself into kids activities, household projects, work etc so I couldnt focus there).  But it keeps bubbling back up.....

i am certainly no expert, and my views are tainted because of my own situation but....

i don't think your selfish for feeling what you feel, they are YOUR feelings and neither right or wrong, but it does sound to me like you have one foot out the door and perhaps you are looking for somebody to say just the right thing for you to be able to justify your leaving? or give you "permission"?

Of course this is going to impact your stepchildren, especially if they have a good relationship with you. Divorce impacts everybody involved - but i think more so if your the one who doesn't want it. Kids will never be the same person they were having to go through this. I am not saying any of this to make you feel guilty - or to have you think you NEED to stay in a relationship that isn't working either. I don't mean that. I am more of the believe that you try until options are exhausted. Only then should you walk away and know that you did everything in your power to make it work. i would also try to find a different counselor - i think the one you tried was doing you a disservice.

My only real piece of advise is be up front with your husband as soon as possible - don't keep him hanging on or worse let him going on thinking that things are going fine and then his only clue that you aren't happy is when you are walking out the door.

My first advice to you is to find a different therapist! You need and deserve the professional guidance of someone who will listen to your thoughts, feelings, even rantings, and still be unbiased.

There are important things to ask yourself, such as, are you better off with or without him? If you had known 6 years ago what you know now, would you have still married him? Do you love your husband?

Don’t be worried over the ‘stigma’ of being twice divorced; this is 2007, people know that “sh*t happens.”

Before leaving the marriage, you need to at least try to get your husband to understand that you need time to yourself sometimes. You can let him know that when he calls to ask why you are at work, it bothers you; it is okay to tell him your feelings. If you don’t tell him how you are feeling, then he won’t know, because he isn’t a mind reader. You can be married and be a step mother but still have the ability to go have a glass of wine once in awhile after work- that isn’t an unreasonable request! It sounds like all of your desires could be fulfilled, if you speak up. It might seem as though it would just be easier to leave, but there must have been reasons why you married. If you let your true feelings be known, and your husband simply can’t or won’t make changes, then leaving is your only option. But right now, you have other options. I urge you to find solutions that are less drastic. I wish you well!

My husband job takes him away for more than half the year.  I have recently found out he has been using drugs (again)  He has put me through a lot during our marriage Well anyway he is coming home in three days and I am going to have a good sit down talk with him about being a good role model for our boys and if he doesn't shape up he is going to have to ship out.  I want to be prepared for the talk and not get all emotional and crazy so I want to have my speech prepared so any adive on how I should approach him and what do I say hope yall can help.

thanks.

This is like the 3rd or 4th post I have left and have received some good feedback for that thank you.  My wife left me right before christmas and we still barely talk.  It is driving me nuts because I want to work things out so bad and she want's nothing to do with me.  My heart breaks everytime i even think about her.  The problem for me is time, im getting ready to do a deployment and just got back from being at sea for while, which knowing I was comming home to no one made it almost unbearable.  I don't know how I am going to make a deployment in this state.  I talked to her recently and she said she was talking to a lawyer.  I asked if she filed any paper work and she said no but that doesnt mean its not comming soon.  I am really strugling with the rejection i am receiving from her and have played the cat and mouse game since she left.  I no longer am pursuing her which i am told will help things out, I just can;t stop thinking about her going out, or not wearing her ring, or seriously going to a lawyer to file for divorce.  We havn't tried any counseling and rarely talk.  I feel as if the dam's about to break and im gonna be stuck underneath it.  I miss her so much and don't feel her mind will change anytime soon.  I want to be with her, and am willing to try anything.  Any advice would be great.

Lonely.......