Quote From: ritehere I read your back posts. It really sounds like your wife is going to divorce you, except for one thing- she hasn't filed yet. Which could mean several different things. She's saving money to pay for it, or waiting to see what you do tops the list of things I assume. But these are just assumptions and speculation, the fact is that she hasn't done so yet, which means you still have a chance.
May I ask why you haven't tried counseling and why you stopped trying to talk with her? Who gave you the advice to "back off" and leave her alone? Granted, she may not want to see you alone as these types of meetings dissolve to fighting which gets you nowhere, but how is no communication going to solve the problem? What if she's been waiting to hear that you are actively trying to change your ways instead of just biding your time waiting for her to come back?
She's been gone since before Christmas, and the most resounding message I got from all of your posts was that you are hurting and that you want this settled before you leave on deployment. You admit some mistakes, but you want this cleaned up and fixed on your time-table. Do you think she cares whether you're leaving or not?
I understand your sentiments, but you have known her for 6 years. I'm not trying to say this is all your fault. Obviously you both have problems communicating and she has 6 years of resentments built up that she should have confronted you about much earlier.
If you are serious about your declaration of being willing to try anything, and back up your apologies for being verbally abusive and controlling (being right all the time is a form of control), and wanting to get her back, I can make some suggestions.
Write her a letter. I would also leave her a message on the phone, but give her something she can hold and refer to more than once. Be completely honest about the abuse and how very sorry you are about it. Be thourough in recounting all of what you remember so she knows that you are not just giving lip service.
Mention nothing about how she should have told you you were being an ass, or that she shouldn't internalize her emotions, this will come off as an excuse on your part for your behavior.
There is no excuse except that you were acting like an ass. Also, acknowledge that alcoholism and alcohol abuse are just labels. Buying into an alternative label that "isn't as bad" as alcoholism is just masking the fact that you DO have a problem with the stuff. Maybe you don't have to quit entirely and can learn to severely limit intake, but you must acknowledge that you have made some bad mistakes while under the influence, so when you drink, you are saying "I don't care if I become a jerk, I'm going to drink anyway."
This IS what it feels like to those that are at the receiving end of your drunken behavior. You either "get it" or you don't.
Explain all of this, plus how you felt when your wife miscarried. If you were devastated, she needs to know that. We all have different ways of dealing with our emotions, and if she internalizes, she will recognize this same behavior on your part in regards to what happened IF what you write is genuinely sincere. If you were not genuinely invested in a child, even kind of relieved, admit this to yourself and word this part of the letter differently. If you were not truly devastated, acknowledge to her that you now understand how important this child was to her and how your behavior hurt her at the time. The key is total honesty and total lack of ego in this letter. Show her that you are willing to put aside your own ego and concerns and really try to understand her.
Now, here's the kicker. Apologize for not doing something constructive like counseling sooner, and if she will try to wait till you are back from deployment you will get some. Individual, couples, you name it. If she wants to only see you in the presence of a counselor, so be it, you will do that.
But please, give you another chance. (And be absolutely willing to go to counseling. For instance, if you get back and she miraculously lets you off the hook, insist that you both get it anyway for your communication problems.) Then tell her that you don't mind if she lets her parents or anybody else read the letter, if she needs validation from others of your sincerity, be your guest. Be willing to talk with these others if she wants mediators.
By writing all of this, she will know that you took time and effort, and it may cause her to pause.
Or maybe like you suspect, she is done with you and anything you do now is too little too late. But what can it hurt, unless you are not really willing to do everything and anything?
Good luck to you.
I will start this the best way that I can. I have reached new levels in my life since my wife left. I have taken a hard look at the person I was and the person I want to be. I now know that I don't know it all. No matter how macho or cool i think i am I don't know everything. I was a "right-fighter" no matter what the argument or who's fault it was I could figure out a way to be right....at the cost of hurting my wife's feelings. I didnt even recognize this until long after things happened. I have written my wife many letters expressing my deepest desire to work on things all of which I get no response from her. I did however talk to her this weekend and things sounded as if they were going south fast. She has not filed for divorce yet, so there is still a small chance but I believe that she is acting way to soon and will follow through if something doesnt change fast. I am totally willing to try counselling and have sought counseling from church and from the military, I have also asked my estranged wife to come to counseling as well, of which each time she denies me. I am willing to do anything and everything possible to reconcile, If after we have i don't know read all the books, sought family counseling, sought religious counseling, turned over every stone possible and things still arn't getting any better then I will feel ok with getting a divorce, because I know that we tried everything possible not to do it. Right now we talked divorce right out the door. I believe it's way to hasty and a decision both of us may regret for the rest of our lives. I have limited my alcohol intake and will continue too, i have even written a "mission statement" on what I want my marriage to be. I wrote this statement on Easter after praying to God to tell me what to do. I was watching the movie Philadelphia on TNT and in the middle of it I felt something urge me to write. I did and I am impressed with it. I am going to show the letter to her parents first to get their opinion of it, and maybe change some things here and there but I feel that the end result is actually really good. I have found a new perspective on life and have also been working out more, all of which make me feel better personnaly. I thank you for your advice and I will try my hardest to not let my marriage end without exausting all available resources. Wish me luck!
