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Topic : Divorce Support

Number of Replies: 4225
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:52 pm
Author : dataimport
Over half of all marriages end in divorce, but that doesn't make it any less painful for those going through it. Discuss your experience here.

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July 26, 2005, 2:35 pm CDT

Am I Crazy or What?

My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years.  We are both over 40 years of age.  During our dating relationship he had a problem keeping his hands off other women (even while I was in his presence).  I even caught him in a bar with friends and his hands up a woman's blouse.  This finally ended and things were going well so we married.  2 years ago (6 months after we married) he started traveling and only came home everyother weekend.  While traveling he began going out with his co-workers (so I'm told) for dinner each evening and would not call me.  This went on for 1 year.  His comment was it just took so long for them to have their dinner.  I later found out he was having liquid dinners and getting drunk.  We began having major differences at that time.  I expressed how I felt about not being thought about enough to even receive a phone call.  The job soon ended and I tried to express to him that we can't go through the same things again.  He received another job out of state and left me to sell our home and join him later.  Two days after being in the new state he began the same thing.  I moved 1 month after he did because it was beginning to appear that he wasn't going to his room at the Inn at night.  Last week on his birthday he got drunk and told me if I didn't become more passionate he would divorce me. 

 

I think it is time for a divorce.  I do love him very much.  He seems to think his behaviors and actions are no big deal and that I should not take them seriously.  Please, someone tell me if you also think I am taking the behaviors and actions too seriously.

 
July 26, 2005, 8:30 pm CDT

Divorced after 25 yrs.

Husband divorced me 2 yrs ago after 25 yrs together.H is 54, I am 58.-no kids He lost money in the market in '01, hated his job, his father (a shaky relationship) died suddenly in '02. Husband began an affair with an acquaintance of mine. I introduced them. 2 weeks later she spent the weekend in my house while I was out of town taking care of my elderly mother. Woman declared undying love for my husband and promptly kicked her husband out of her house (her 3rd) and started divorce proceedings. I discovered affair 3 mos later. Tried to hold marriage together but it was too far gone. I apparently had been sleepwalking thru the marriage. H started drinking again after 17 yrs of not drinking, got heavily into porn, and internet chat rooms. The once gentle affectionate man began to act like a bipolar Jekyll and Hyde. We continued to live in the same house for nearly a year after I discovered affair. I asked him to leave twice and he refused. (Then found out there was nothing legally I could do about that). I read Divorcebusting and The Divorce Remedy and other books and remained clam while he lived in another state 1/2 of the week and with me 1/2 of the week. His boss was cooperating with this arrangement. H filed for divorce and was extremely ugly blaming me loudly all of the way saying very cruel things to me. It was a terrible time. My H was very depressed --mother and father both were diagnosed with bi polar disorder. H's father never was treated and led a doulbe life as long as I knew him.I'm single nearly 2 yrs now and thanks to good therapists am feeling very good. Our marriage was the first for both of us. H wrote last year that he didn't know what happened to him. He remains with the other woman (her 4th marriage at age 50) And may I add, she is a therapist. I wrote last year to the show asking for consideration of the topic of men's midlife crisis-depression etc. Michelle Davis and Jed Diamond have been two comforting sources for me. Additionally ,the husband of a friend of mine committed suicide the same year. No outward signs of depression and seemingly was very togehter. No marital or helath problems. He was same age as my H. It feels like an epidemic.
 
July 26, 2005, 9:34 pm CDT

His Mid-Life crisis

I too have resently seperated.  My husband left our family in March 2005.  It has been so hard on all of us.  Kids(12 and 9)  Sept. will be our 15th year of marriage.  I dion't understand how he can say he still loves me but does not want to be with me.  What does all this mean?  I am comitted to my marriage.  He said he would not take off his wedding ring and then the very next week he did take it off.  I am trying to move on with my life but it is a long hard ride.  I take things one day at a time but some days are soooo hard.  How am I supposed to act around him?  What does he want from me?  How can I be just friends with him when I want more?  I have so many questions and I don't know where to get answers.  I can say that I put my marriage in the Lord's hands, because I just don't know what else to do.  I can't fix our marriage by myself. 

Any advise would be helpful. Thanks.

dex77@nc.rr.com

 
July 27, 2005, 11:39 am CDT

Hi Andrew...

Quote From: alf8mykat

My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years. We have a beautiful little girl who will be 2 in October. About two months ago, my wife came to me and told me she thought we should live apart for a while to be able to work on things. She told me she thought it was the best thing for our marriage and it would help save our marriage. I was dead set against the idea, but I told her that if she truly felt it would help, I would do it. Basically, I felt like I would do anything to save our marriage. Also, we decided that we would begin marriage counseling immediately. Within 3 days of me being out of the house, she told me she was filing for divorce and no longer wished to go to counseling. Prior to that, the idea of divorce was never even brought up as a possibility.

 

I've most definitely made some mistakes in our relationship. For the last couple of years I've been trying very hard to run my own business out of the home. The fact of the matter is, I simply do not have the organizational skills to run my own business. It was failing, and I felt trapped. I was also a full-time stay-at-home father for the last year. I just felt like I had to keep trying. She didn't like the idea of being a full-time mother, and neither of us liked the idea of our daughter going to day care.

 

With the business, and also some instances of flat out being selfish, I just haven't been as attentive to her needs and her feelings as I should be. I acknowledge this whole heartedly, and I'm in counseling myself to overcome that, and also a depression I've been dealing with since childhood. Also, I've read several books on understanding relationships, and being able to express love better, etc. Through all of this, in the last two months, I've made some major changes in philosophy, and also in the way that I act.

 

My wife still loves me, she's told me this... She's scared to trust me though having trusted me with her feelings only to have me not take care of them before. I just don't know what to do... My family means more to me than anything in this world. I come from a family where my parents were divorced when I was very young, and it's something that to this day is causing me problems (the depression). I don't want this for my daughter, but even more so, I love my wife very much. I just don't know what I can do at this point to save my marriage.

 

Thanks to anyone who reads this and may be able to give me some encouraging words or advice.

 

Sincerely,

 

Andrew

 

So, from the sound of it, you've made some mistakes.  It also sounds as though your wife may have not been completely honest with you about how she was feeling regarding your selfishness -- that is an assumption and if correct, that is her mistake.  As marital partners we are accountable to our spouses for how we behave.

 

So you've acknowledged that there is a lot of room for improvement and you've even been very willing to put your money where your mouth is -- you moved out peacefully and you were willing to get counseling.  BRAVO!

 

The only thing left to do are these things:  #1 follow through on counseling, #2 ask for forgiveness from your wife and be willing to forgive your self, and #3 leave the door open.

 

Not only will counseling give your wife the sign that you really meant what you said, but it will ALSO help you with your grief and healing. 

 

Because you have been so willing to acknowledge your wrongs, I suggest that you give that full accounting to your wife.  True forgiveness is not an easy thing, but you are already well on your way and I think that gesture is the right thing.

 

Once you've asked, the only other thing to do is leave the door open and wait to see if she'll have a change of heart.  That part is up to her.

 

Be gentle while you grieve, Q 

 
July 27, 2005, 11:41 am CDT

I can't imagine

Quote From: dfielder

4 years ago, after 24 years of marriage, my wife told me she was not in love with me anymore. no abuse by either party, no infidelity(for sure on my side), my crime was i took her for granted. for the last 4 years i have tried everything i can think of to fix our marriage, to no avail. my problem is that i don't know how to leave. we have been together now for 31 years. i don't know how she will survive financially. our two daughters are 20 & 25 and they are both surprised that i have not left before now. i just don't know how to leave without alot of guilt/concern  about her survival, and my own future.

any help would be appreciated

 

I'm half crazy that I won't survive without mine and we've been married just under 11 years, I can't imagine not being in someones life after 24 years of marriage. If she doesn't want you there then, I guess you are only hurting yourself by staying. Have you asked her how she hopes to survive? If she wants to go then you stay and let her go when she is ready to go.

I still can't imagine your pain, like I said, I'm only at 11 years and I have grown used to him being there if I need him, now he has someone else and though I don't think he and I belong married anymore ( no communication and things that just can't be forgiven ) it is still hard to let go of something that you've been around for that many years.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide, I will say a prayer for you.

 
July 27, 2005, 11:53 am CDT

On the fence...

Quote From: scooterpi

My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years.  We are both over 40 years of age.  During our dating relationship he had a problem keeping his hands off other women (even while I was in his presence).  I even caught him in a bar with friends and his hands up a woman's blouse.  This finally ended and things were going well so we married.  2 years ago (6 months after we married) he started traveling and only came home everyother weekend.  While traveling he began going out with his co-workers (so I'm told) for dinner each evening and would not call me.  This went on for 1 year.  His comment was it just took so long for them to have their dinner.  I later found out he was having liquid dinners and getting drunk.  We began having major differences at that time.  I expressed how I felt about not being thought about enough to even receive a phone call.  The job soon ended and I tried to express to him that we can't go through the same things again.  He received another job out of state and left me to sell our home and join him later.  Two days after being in the new state he began the same thing.  I moved 1 month after he did because it was beginning to appear that he wasn't going to his room at the Inn at night.  Last week on his birthday he got drunk and told me if I didn't become more passionate he would divorce me. 

 

I think it is time for a divorce.  I do love him very much.  He seems to think his behaviors and actions are no big deal and that I should not take them seriously.  Please, someone tell me if you also think I am taking the behaviors and actions too seriously.

Don't know what the "major differences" are or what "same things" you guys are repeating, but it sounds as though there are some patterns here that would cause ANY partner to be wary.

 

First is the lack of communication while away on business and the FACT? that he isn't sleeping in his hotel room.  Until you have proof of an affair or philandering, my rule is give hubby the benefit of the doubt.

 

Second, and more alarming, is the drinking.  My questions are how much, how often, how does he behave when he's drunk and most important WHY is he drinking until he's drunk?  Something is wrong when a person medicates his pain and it's quite possible he isn't being honest about the reasons.  Since he expressed a need for more passion, my GUESS is he is dissatisfied but he ain't talkin' (more lack of communication).

 

I also think that his behaviors/actions ARE a big deal, if to no one but YOU.  I do not think you should simply sweep his behavior under the carpet just because HE THINKS they are no big deal.  Alcoholics are PROS at denial.  And so, I think you should explore what's going on or better yet, BOTH you guys explore this together.

 

If you guys really care, you will BOTH open up and TALK about the distance in your relationship and how to REALLY bridge the gap or cut the cord.

 

Alcholism is a deal breaker and consistent broken trusts are also a deal breaker.

 

Q

 

 

 

 

 
July 27, 2005, 12:09 pm CDT

Since you asked...

Quote From: dfielder

4 years ago, after 24 years of marriage, my wife told me she was not in love with me anymore. no abuse by either party, no infidelity(for sure on my side), my crime was i took her for granted. for the last 4 years i have tried everything i can think of to fix our marriage, to no avail. my problem is that i don't know how to leave. we have been together now for 31 years. i don't know how she will survive financially. our two daughters are 20 & 25 and they are both surprised that i have not left before now. i just don't know how to leave without alot of guilt/concern  about her survival, and my own future.

any help would be appreciated

How do you know that your leaving her won't be the best thing that ever happened to her?

 

How do you know that she won't find the second love of her life -- if she's that lucky?

 

Isn't she responsible for HER life? 

 

Aren't you being somewhat presumptious?  Sounds to me like she managed to take care of a house, make it a home and raise 2 kids to adulthood -- that's not nothing.  Being a Stay-at-home- Mom or Dad is HARD WORK (and I've always worked) and I bet there are PLENTY of employers willing to have that kind of hardworker on their payroll.

 

Let's say that you do begin divorce proceedings... will she not get 1/2 the house and any other assets including your 401K?  If she has been a homemaker for 31 years, odds are, she will also get alimony at least for a set amount of time.  So she won't be completely penniless.

 

Besides, have you asked her whether she really wants you to hang on?  Maybe she doesn't?  You won't know until have that conversation.

 

Something along the lines of... how can we separate so that BOTH of us are OKAY?

 

And just because you end the marriage doesn't mean you guys HAVE to be enemies.  You could even be friends if you wanted to -- refreshing thought I think.

 

I can tell you one thing... you only have ONE LIFE on this big blue ball we call Earth and to be unwilling to live it to it's fullest is a tragic waste of life -- in y'all's case tragic waste of LIVES.

 

Time to get OFF the pot.  Limbo is not living.

 

My two cents... (and I really wish the BEST for you BOTH, really I do.) Q

 
July 27, 2005, 12:13 pm CDT

Answers to your questions...

Quote From: dex1977

I too have resently seperated.  My husband left our family in March 2005.  It has been so hard on all of us.  Kids(12 and 9)  Sept. will be our 15th year of marriage.  I dion't understand how he can say he still loves me but does not want to be with me.  What does all this mean?  I am comitted to my marriage.  He said he would not take off his wedding ring and then the very next week he did take it off.  I am trying to move on with my life but it is a long hard ride.  I take things one day at a time but some days are soooo hard.  How am I supposed to act around him?  What does he want from me?  How can I be just friends with him when I want more?  I have so many questions and I don't know where to get answers.  I can say that I put my marriage in the Lord's hands, because I just don't know what else to do.  I can't fix our marriage by myself. 

Any advise would be helpful. Thanks.

dex77@nc.rr.com

How am I supposed to act around him?  I suggest that you be yourself.  It's really all you can be anyway.

 

What does he want from me?  I am sorry to say that, by his actions, he wants to end the relationship.  He is just taking the easy way out and trying to lessen your pain.  Trouble is... you will grieve and there is no getting around that.

 

How can I be just friends with him when I want more?  Maybe you can't.  I know that if I left my hubby (or vica versa) it would be too painful for me to "be friends".  The best thing that I could do is be civil. 

 

Please be gentle while you grieve, Q

 
July 28, 2005, 2:06 am CDT

msyvrn

Quote From: msyvrn

In my 2nd year of being single, I seem to be only moving backward.  I am still attempting to reconcile what should be buried by now.  I have read many self helps in attempts to move forward I understand the process and have begun the work required to reach success.  My ex and I have become sexually active in the last 7 months.(initiated by me) each encounter we express our concerns about the wrong we are doing and say this wont reoccur. but it continues, I have decided that for some reason that I have not been able to express to my ex. this is a obvious sign that we should attempt repairing our family not just for us but also our 2 children(13&5).  I'm confused and have the desire to end this destructive behavior. I try eventhough I dont hold out much hope that he will ever be my husband, for his pride and having to admit he made a mistake are 2 things that are impossible to overcome.  I need some new ideas regarding acceptance and living with what I cant change, for I understand that no matter how obvious the signs are I cant make him see, or act in accordance with what should be.

 

You are living single and sleeping double with a man you KNOW will not change.  Why do you let him use you like this?  YES, this is destructive and as long as it continues you will remain CONFUSED.  You need emotional and physical distance in order to move on.  Old habits are hard to break.

 

Do NOT let him come to the house.  Do NOT go to his home.  Use a third party when he picks up the kids.  Keep conversations short and relevant.  Use voicemail if necessary.   Cease being available.

 

Those self helps are GREAT when they apply to someone else.  Now turn them around and apply them to you.

 
July 28, 2005, 2:21 am CDT

blueonblue

Quote From: blueonblue

Five years ago my husband's attitude and behavior changed dramatically after a lengthy business trip requiring several weeks away from me and our children.  No, he did not have an affair (his sex drive decreased gradually over these years), he simply had a taste of freedom and loved it.  He rarely ever travelled on business before this.  We recently separated after he refused to seek counseling either as a couple or on his own.  During our 23 year marriage, we rarely argued and never fought.  He says he no longer loves me and feels he's missing out on something by being tied to me, yet still tries to "share" his travels, social schedule, etc. with me.  I discourage this lately.  He is still a sloppy dresser and looks unkempt so he obviously isn't trying to impress another woman.  He has grown a mustache and goatee thing.  After 10 weeks apart, my life is finally coming together and I doubt I would take him back, but I haven't shut the door on that option just yet.  A part of me still loves him.  There is no other woman involved - he just wants the freedom to do whatever he wants (golf, roller skating, partying, skiing, etc.) whenever he wants.  (He did all these things before but not with my approval.) He no longer has to feel guilty about leaving me at home while he pursues his interests and has to answer to no one now.  He still supports us financially and sees our daughter (13) fairly often.  Our son (he's 19) could care less about his dad.  I have lost a lot of respect for my husband, but over time I am making a new life for myself.  I recently got a part-time job I really like and enjoy the company of some wonderful friends.  My husband has no friends he can talk to, only 3 meddling sisters who encouraged him to leave me if he was unhappy.  His two other siblings absolutely disapprove of his behavior and have told him so.  Is there anyone else who has experienced this with their hubby?  Is there any hope he might come to his senses?  I don't intend to grow old alone, but don't want to give up on a 28 year relationship and then regret it.  Apparently many men do not feel THEY have to honour their wedding vows these days.  I never imagined my husband could be so selfish as to sacrifice everyone else's happiness for his own.  People we know simply cannot believe we have separated because we had such a wonderful marriage.  They also can't believe that he could ever do such a thing to us.  I'd love to hear from other wives who've survived this ordeal. 

 

Love that song.  Bobby Vinton.  Oops, told my age.

 

Can we all say middle-age stupid?

 

Yep, he feels he is missing out on something and I bet I know what it is despite the shabby clothes.  You do too.  His sex drive probably decreased due to alternate outlets.  Is gay a possibility?

 

Not arguing or fighting does not guarantee a solid marriage.  Sometimes there is nothing left worth fighting about.

 

Tell him to stop "sharing".  You need the emotional and physical distance in order to get your life together.

 

Get that support in legal writing.  Extend it through the kids college years if your state permits.  His cash will go to the new love if he has/ever finds one.

 

Selfish is the word here.  And be prepared that about the time you get it all together he will want to come crawling back.  Especially if he was to get hurt or sick.  Have a game plan.

 

Bravo to the siblings who told him what an idiot he was.  And he deserves the three meddlers.  Maybe they will take him in if he ever needs help.  NOT

 

Any man who refuses counseling AND tells me he no longer loves me is history no matter how long the relationship.

 

Bravo to you for the new changes.

 

 
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