Topic : Divorce Support

Number of Replies: 4346
New Messages This Week: 2
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:01:52 pm
Author : dataimport
Over half of all marriages end in divorce, but that doesn't make it any less painful for those going through it. Discuss your experience here.

User Mood
Stressed

Message Emote
blank
April 26, 2007, 11:31 am PDT

at least your trying and talking

Quote From: riptide70

I will have been married on may 22, 2007 for five years. My wife and I are both active duty navy so were pretty busy trying to balance our lives together. It's a pretty hard job I must admit. For me going to work and dealing with work. Coming home and dealing with my family and, what ever daily issues that have to be addressed. You forget how valuable family is. I just came from and out to sea detachment and was ready to see my family. I was gone for a month and now after almost two weeks I have to leave again for another month. After being home for three days I felt something was wrong so I decide to get help immediately. By the end of the week my wife and I had gone through out first marriage counseling. It was hard because, I found out a few days before that my wife had been really hurting for a long time. Maybe a year or even longer! I didn't know anything about at all. It was really hard to talk and ask questions about how we got to this point and that I didn't even know. The Chaplin that we had seen wanted us to try together because he said divorce is really hard. Give your marriage a chance before we go down that road. I really wanted (and still want) to do everything in the world to let my wife know who I feel about her and how much I love her. I asked her to please try for us, our family and our son. I love my family with all my heart and want to do everything possible to keep it together. we both agreed that it takes two and that If you don't have that things are very hard for both people. I'm not the most religious person in the world but, now I pray every single day for God to help us and to show me guidance. I'm trying my best to put it all in his hands... but, I don't want to be selfish and say help bring my marriage back together. I would do anything to have my marriage back and be able to make it better then it was before. My wife says she's my best friend and that she still loves me. She just isn't in love with me anymore. When she wasn't sure about her love she never once told me and asked for my help. She tried on her own to find the answer but, It didn't help. I told here that people have their days and sometimes we don't listen to each other like we should. That doesn't mean we don't love each other and want to help each other. So now I'm left with pleading for my marriage and going the extra mile because that's what a husband should do but, I'm getting tired... and It hurts. I've talked to so many of my friends who were so surprised it was happening to me. Some of the (mostly military) had been through the same exact thing but, they were able to work things out. Why can't I??? Why can't my marriage work out? I don't know what the future has to offer but, all I know is that I'm about to leave for another month. When I come back we have to talk about our finances and how we're going to split things. I can stay in the house until It's time for me to leave on deployment. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it but, I love my little boy and I want to be around him as long as I can before I can't. My wife told my that she loves me but, isn't in love with me. She's also told me that I'm her best friend and that she'll always have love for me. I don't know any people who are divorced who are best friends. How can you still love someone but, not be in love with them and tell them you want a divorce? If my wife rated our marriage a "B" why can't we make it an "A+"? If our marriage wasn't so bad why are we going through this now. I never hit, beat or mistreated my wife like you hear on the news but, here I'm am on the brink of divorce. I don't know but, I guess sometimes all the love in the world doesn't matter.?
 thats the first step,many of us on here would like for husbands to take us serious and listen,i dont know what else to really say to you other than talking rationally keeping respect for each and most of all listening to each other plays so much in relationships.i wish you the best hope all works out for you ill sure keep you in my prayers and thoughts.stay safe
 
User Mood
Distressed

Message Emote
sad
April 26, 2007, 11:44 am PDT

Thank You

Quote From: strawberryred

 thats the first step,many of us on here would like for husbands to take us serious and listen,i dont know what else to really say to you other than talking rationally keeping respect for each and most of all listening to each other plays so much in relationships.i wish you the best hope all works out for you ill sure keep you in my prayers and thoughts.stay safe
I appreciate it. It's really hard when someone says that they don't love you like you should be but, don't give you a chance to fix it. It hurts so bad because it's not about me or us any more. It happened so quick I really didn't know what to do but, to try to find help. So many of my military friends have gone through this so they know how it is. I've receive so much support but, In the end it doesn't make me feel any better. I don't have the one thing I want in the whole world and nothing else matters. I'm being rational about the whole thing but, even then I still feel so incomplete. My family hurts so bad because it was a mixed relationship and wanted it to work so bad. My mom especially is hurt by it. I really worry about her health because I'm her 32 yr old baby and I make up a big part of her world. The tell me to pray to god and ask for guidance but, I still feel like crap sometimes. I'm trying to hold my head up but, It's really hard especially when you still live with the person. I just ask her to let me know what's going on in her life and to communicate with me even though I know it's not going to be the same now. I really do appreciate your words during the hard time for me and my family!! Thank You!!
 
User Mood
Angry

Message Emote
surprised
April 26, 2007, 11:50 am PDT

Good luck

Quote From: strawberryred

 thats the first step,many of us on here would like for husbands to take us serious and listen,i dont know what else to really say to you other than talking rationally keeping respect for each and most of all listening to each other plays so much in relationships.i wish you the best hope all works out for you ill sure keep you in my prayers and thoughts.stay safe
It is sad, isn't it to be going through these things when you still love her so much and don't want your marriage to end.  Is it possible she could be seeing anyone else??  I hate to say this, but it is very common for people to say those things when nothing is really wrong with their marriages, they say that a lot.  My husband said that to me also, he moved out, and later I found out he was having an affair with someonme at his work.  I'm sure it doesn't help to be gone for a month at a time.  That can be very hard on a marriage itself, and it takes a lot of work and discipline to ge through and stick with it.  I think you could keep getting some counseling for yourself to learn how to deal with all of this.  It would help you a lot.  I would ask my wife if she is seeing anone else, also.  Be calm wih her, but ask if there's someone else.  See what she says.  Tell her you're willing to go to therapy and work hard to heal things.  It is worth it, an dyour son deserves it also.  I hope things can work out for you.  zI know how it feels, and it is very difficult, but eventually things will get better, it just takes some time.  You sound like a good guy, and good things will come for you.  You deserve the best.  Thank you for all you do for our country.  It takes courage, and I appreciate it and admire you for that.  Take good care.
 
User Mood
Worried

Message Emote
worried
April 26, 2007, 12:37 pm PDT

Sounds so familiar

Quote From: sandy0914

You are the only one who can find and control your own happiness.  Nobody can make you miserable unless you allow them to, you have the power within you to control your own happiness,  getting "lost" in a marriage with young  kids to care for and a household to take care of is actually pretty normal as far as I'm concerned.  You tended to everyone's elses needs for so long that you probably don't even know what you'd like to do anymore - you've lost your "self". That's reason enough to go to therapy alone to learn how to find yourself again.

 

Sounds to me like you love your husband but just don't like him too much.  I've been there myself on many occassions !  As far as going out - get a calendar and sit down with hubby and plan "your" schedule - give him plenty of notice as to when mom will be going out and doing whatever.  He is expected to be home and hold the fort down, no excuses!   You two should also be planning alone time as well - find a babysitter if you don't have one.

 

You need to tell him how you feel.  Overburdened, unloved, unappreciated etc.  And yes, he does need to be your soft place to fall on when needed.  When you are having a hard time catching up, ask him to either take the kids out for the day so you can catch up or initiate "Saturdays" as work around the house day for all and "Sunday" as family time.  My friend does that and it workds like a dream.  You need to be creative- start a project knowing full well that you can't possibly complete the task and ask hubby for help as you can't figure it out.  Thank him for being the handyman that he is!   After a few times of doing this, he'll get the hint eventually.

 

Communication is really important especially regarding how you are feeling about you, him and your relationship.  A therapist can help you tremendously even if he won't go for now.  I wouldn't contemplate leaving this relationship until you have both tried everything possible to fix it first, but you need to let him know how broken you feel it is, don't keep him in the dark.

Reading this made me feel like you were talking about my husband. It's the old "I work all day" or "That's your job". If I do find something to do and he agrees to "babysit" he cancels at the last minute or tells me he will but I have to be home at a certain time. So I've just come to the conclusion if I do want to do something I'm on my own which usually includes finding 3 different places to drop the kids of at. Over the last couple years tho I have managed to really get in touch with myself and I sit back and wonder what in the heck was I thinkin? We are so different. Been together since we were 15 and I was yound and changed who I was to be the girl he wanted and come to find out almost 20 years later he still doesn't like me. Add his little pill poppin problem in there and I am about to throw in the towel. We cannot have a conversation with each other without it turning into WWIII and I don't want to fight in front of the kids so I just shut my mouth. The verbal abuse,the day to day of no affection,no affection during sex its just a function,no passion,no nothin. I think of the kids all the time and what is best for them.Of coarse most women are the ones who think of the kids. Is it worth it to stay if mom is unhappy? I don't know the answer to that one. I wish you luck and if you find the answer let me know:-)

 
User Mood
Good

Message Emote
blank
April 26, 2007, 2:03 pm PDT

marriage crisis

Marriage is a relation between man and woman in which the independence is equal,and DEPENDENCE is MUTUAL, and OBLIGATION is a reciprocal.

there are 2 ugly words,DEPENDENCE and OBLIGATION, this is the state of marrage / divorce, a simple fact is some people just do not like marrage,and yet they endure it,or get out.

a relation ship based on love,allows allows each to be what he or she chooses,with no expectations and no demands.a simple association of 2 people who love each other would never expect the other to be something that he or she wouldn't choose for themselfs.

psychologial casualties do develope.

 

1  relationship based on love,allows each other to choose," no expectations no demands"

2  relationship is based independent rather that dependence

 

these 2 grisly little words that muck up the plan, threading through the blogs it appears most marrages were of dominanance and submission,while the roles shift.

 
User Mood
Happy

Message Emote
blank
April 26, 2007, 3:55 pm PDT

married but not

Well, I've been married for 14 years been seperated for the last 7 of that 14.  The first 7 years was absolutely wounderful, we were best friends, great Love relationship for one another, great respect for one another couldn't of asked for a better Marriage, until,  He got a traveling job offer and excepted, I was determined to be with him, we decided to buy an r.v. and all of us hit the road and we did for 2 years and in that 2 years we had the children in 4 different schools 4 different States when the 4th move came up I decided I couldn't do it to the children anymore,

everytime we had to move they would get very upset because they just made good friends and it hurt them to have to say good bye.  We came back to our home town to settle them back down and 3 months later he is ready to go on the road again and I just plain couldn't, I enjoyed being on the road,however, It was against all I felt inside to continue to do that to the children.  I have been home with them alone for 7 years we have our way of doing things and we are very content with how things run.  I was recently approached by him that he was tired of being on the road and was ready to take his place back in the home and I told him it couldn't just happen like that.  I Love him, never stopped even though we have no relationship anymore and I mean not even on the phone, I just have a major problem with the fact that it was not enough that the children needed us to be home and be a family 7 years ago and now that he is tired of moving around he's ready to come home.  I just don't want the reason for him to come home to be because he's tired of being gone, We've never discussed divorce, I can't imaging being with anyone else but especially at this time I wouldn't date anyone, I am too busy with the children to think about a significant other and It is weird that I feel that way about my own husband.  The bad thing is I have no idea how long it will take me before I can even begin to think of intertaining the idea of a significant other, I'm 40 years old but I do not feel any since of my time running out or growing old alone syndrome, all I'm concerned with is getting my children on there right track of life without any adult situations interferring.  He is 50 and has told me he has that since of time running out, he wants to begin living the rest of his life with someone, he wants it to be me but I don't feel like I can do that at this point, I don't want to put any change in my children's life. 

 
User Mood
Happy

Message Emote
blank
April 26, 2007, 4:27 pm PDT

Thanks a million

Quote From: tammy_anne

There are very few guarantees in life, not getting hurt in a relationship is not on the list of guarantees, I'm sorry to say. There is absolutely nothing wrong with placing some firm boundaries and expectations on your relationship, don't put  to much faith in the promises though. If you choose to let him back into your intimate space, there is nothing that says you have to go full steam ahead. Take it slow, as slow as you need to.

Why the rush to remarry? Take it slow Hun, go out, to dinner, dancing, a movie, whatever, spend time with him outside your home. Get together and take your baby to the park, out for walks, visits with the grandparents.

As far as him wanting to be a father, well he really has little choice in that matter lol, he is a father whether he wants to be or not, what kind of father he is, is up to him though.

If you still have concerns and doubts after spending time with him, then go see someone you can talk with about your fears, concerns and doubts.

If he is sincere about establishing a intimate relationship with you, he will be more than happy to let you take all the time you need. Don't be bullied or pushed into something you are not ready for just to have to pick up the pieces of a broken heart again!

Like I said earlier there is no guarantees, but dang it you sure can put the odds in your favor, take it slow. If he is not willing to respect that and wants to push for a marital commitment, be wary be very wary.

I wish you much luck and hope to hear back from you.

HUGS

you know just reading your reply helped me feel more confident, becasue basically everything you said to me, i agree with, taking it slow must be the key, cause who says we have to rush an be married again ya know? makes total sense to me..i can sit back an watch him step up an be the father he should be, i can sit back an see if he steps up an does counseling or church etc, and if he doesnt then no need to divorce again cause we are already there...im taking the advice of my friends an my boss an you an im going to go very slow in this...i love him, but i was ok without him too, i moved on, i dated, i had fun with friends etc. im going to spend my time an devotion on my son an i will see if he can keep up with that, thank you again for responding to me..Hugs right back at you!!! back when i saw no end to this, before we were divorced, i was bawling to a friend, about who am i going to go to dinner with, who am i going to sit on my back porch an watch the sunset with, who will hold my hand while i watch the sun go down, she simply said "ryan" thats my sons name. i still cry when i think about that..
 
User Mood
Mellow

Message Emote
blank
April 26, 2007, 5:09 pm PDT

cheers!

Quote From: blueyesmccoy

you know just reading your reply helped me feel more confident, becasue basically everything you said to me, i agree with, taking it slow must be the key, cause who says we have to rush an be married again ya know? makes total sense to me..i can sit back an watch him step up an be the father he should be, i can sit back an see if he steps up an does counseling or church etc, and if he doesnt then no need to divorce again cause we are already there...im taking the advice of my friends an my boss an you an im going to go very slow in this...i love him, but i was ok without him too, i moved on, i dated, i had fun with friends etc. im going to spend my time an devotion on my son an i will see if he can keep up with that, thank you again for responding to me..Hugs right back at you!!! back when i saw no end to this, before we were divorced, i was bawling to a friend, about who am i going to go to dinner with, who am i going to sit on my back porch an watch the sunset with, who will hold my hand while i watch the sun go down, she simply said "ryan" thats my sons name. i still cry when i think about that..

Yaee I'm jumping up and down for happiness for you Hun, well figuratively I am lol. You got a great sense of self, and self worth! Your friend is awesome, I cheer her too!

I am so glad that you can see the best course of action for you and your son, and I hope you keep us posted on how things are going for you, and If you need a ear to bend or a place just to let it out, you know my ears are available.

HUGS

 

 
User Mood
Stressed

Message Emote
confused
April 26, 2007, 5:15 pm PDT

divorce

Quote From: 24years

I've been married 26 years and my husband left me and the children and moved back in with his parents......it's been 3 months.....I believe in until death do us part.I am praying and waiting for him to come home.

How scary this is....our youngest child starts Kindergarten and Daddy is not at home.

I would love to hear from spouses who have abandoned their family...What lies did you tell yourself to make yourself believe it was OK to do this ?

And if you reconciled...what did it take and how long did it take ???

i have also been left alone .after my husband decided he wanted someone else after 27 yrs of marriage.the funny thing about it is no one seen it coming not even me. we were childhood sweethearts i married him at 15.and have loved him my whole life. he always said we were soul mates. i am devestated. we have 2 kids 4 and 13.which we had a very hard time having.he said he is just tired of responsibilties.i just dont know what to think ,we have never had problems before we were best friends and did everything together,and now hes gone. i feel like he just died. he is not the same person i know and love. yes he is turning 50 this year. maybe he is trying to prove he can get someone else.the one he left me for is 9 yrs older than me and 3 yrs older than him. i thought he would have went with someone younger.i still get up everyday and fix my hair and do my make up and tkake of my blessings[kids] god does give me strengh. i dont know what the future will hold i guess i have to wait and see it is sooo very hard,
 

Message Emote
blank
April 26, 2007, 5:21 pm PDT

Dazed & Confused......

My husband decided about a two months ago he didn't want to be married.  It came completely out of the blue with the exceptions that he had gone out a little more without me than usual.  I, who was completely siderailed with the thought of seperation or divorce clang on and tried to explain to him that up until that point I never knew he felt the way he did, therefor he never gave me an opportunity to correct or modify what it was that I was or wasn't doing. 

Needless to say he wasn't willing to work on our marriage so our three kids and I went packing and moved into another one of our properties.  It so happened that I went out of town two days later and he needed to stay at my new home with the kids because I had the home office and he had to utilize it in order for me to go on my well needed vacation.  The five days I was gone really made him realize what it is that I do with my day and made him feel very upset that he questioned my role as a wife and mother.  I came home and he had almost a 360 degree change of heart.  He said we could go to counseling, said he would rent out our home that he was currently staying in and would move back home, has been pretty much living with the kids and I.  I have seen some change or movement towards change on his end but not the full committment I feel it takes to get our marriage to where we need it to be to be successful.

We have gone to one counseling session.  He felt it was beneficial and was "looking forwrd to going back."  However, he still hasn't taken the time to do any of the homework.  He continues to go out with his friends when HE wants too and now plays the card that he doesn't want to move in until we get our marriage resolved completely.  I personally think he is just wanting his cake and all the toppings. 

I guess my question is when do I draw the line?  He continues to give me a verbal committment to making the marriage work and doing whatever it takes but I truly don't see the results.  I guess I see small changes but we continue to have problems on his follow through.  I love my husband dearly but I am not sure if he should move back into our home but at the same time my girls and I really want him here.  We are set to go back to counseling next week but he has to move out of the other house next weekend.  I prefer to work on our marriage under the same roof than letting him out when things aren't easy but at the same time I don't want him here to continue the cycle if there is not going to be more change than what is happening.  Any advice would be great!

 

First | Prev | 333 | 334 | 335 | 336 | 337 | 338 | 339 | 340 | 341 | 342 | Next | Last