Topic : Divorce Support

I need advice from someone besides my children, and my family. I have been married for 40 years. In September 2005 my husband left me. He said peoples taste change, and he wanted time by himself. I think he was having an affair, but have never been able to prove it. He had a cell phone in his sisters name that no one knew about. I found out about it after he left. My oldest daughter was able to track it down, and then even pulled the records. He had been talking to this same women over and over. He would call her up to ten times a day. They would talk for long periods of time. This woman was a friend of the families daughter. When confronted she swears they were just friends, and he was obsessed with her. He says they were just friends too, and they never slept together. As our seperation went along other womens names kept surfacing. He swears he didn't have affairs with these women, and I can't prove it. My eldest daugher says I am nieve and don't want to accept reality. He has always been a flirt to waitresses and other women. I have always thought it was just who he is. In March he just gradually moved back in. But when people ask, he says we are just trying it out. He doesn't give me any money on any of the bills. We own 3 properties, and I am keeping all of them up. He will cut grass every now and then. He comes and goes to his families houses as he wants too. He doesn't ask me if I want to go. Before he left we had not had sex in 9 years. To this day we still have not had sex, or even talked about it. He doesn't really even kiss me, it's just a peck here and there. He will pay when we go out to eat, or put gas in the boat every now and then. He has his own cell phone account, and I have no access to see who he is talking too. I feel like we are married, but he acts like he is single. My daugher says I deserve better, but I don't know any better. We married young, and he is the only man ever in my life. What should I do????

 

Hi,

 

You are probably going through the grieving process of your marriage, even though it wasn't a happy one, there may have been some happy times at some point.  I think anytime there is such a change in your life like this, that it is a huge adjustment, and even though it is probably a relief, you are still moarning your life with this person.  It will take some time to get through all of this, but you sound like you are half way there since you do not want him back.  You may also feel a connection from your child you had together, and this is totally normal for you to feel this way. I    wish you all the strength you can muster up.  You will be a lot better off, and you will begin to live a life that is free of pain and disappointment, and full of happiness and enjoyment.  You deserve it.  Take care. 

 

I'm 27 years old and have been married for 2 years.  I previously dated my husband for 7 years.

 

I've always thought our marriage was ok... there was obviously room for improvement but I didn't feel our relationship was so bad until my husband said he wanted a divorce which was in April this year.  In January one of our new years resolutions was that we were going to really try and invest in our marriage and suddenly I'm faced with the prospect of divorce.  there was no fighting, no warnings, he didn't even tell me that divorce was on his mind so all the while he was contemplating divorce, I was doing everything to make our marriage better.

 

I'm certain there's no other women as he's at home every evening and never goes out.  He simply says he's not ready for the committment, he got married before he was ready and he made a mistake  Besides that, he refuses to talk to me about anything more.  What I've written here is the only explanation he's given me and says he does love me in spite of everything.  I've asked him if we could go for counselling but he refused.

 

I'm just very confused and not sure what to make of the situation. Any advice or guidance would be much appreciated.

I am going through a rough time as well. A divorce that I don't want.

I am in same boat. I been married for 14 years, together with my wife for 17 years. This is the hardest thing i have ever been through in my life. I got divorce papers in april as well,going through it as we speak it's very sad when the other half (mate)doesn't want to try to work things out. I have a beautiful wife as well two kids that means the world to me. That is why I can't let go, I have to fight to the end even if I lose my battle. My family is everything to me.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.  I too feel that this is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.  I would do anything to save my marriage and everything else in my life now seems less important.  I don't want to give up on our marriage but how does one keep trying when your partner has made it clear  that they don't want this anymore?  I haven't lost all hope but I feel he has.  I keep hoping its just a phase and he'll come round and change his mind.  I admire you for not giving up and I hope and pray that you can keep your family together.

My husband told me a few weeks ago that he is moving out.  That he does not love me.  Not sure he ever did love me.  We have been married for almost 7 yrs and have 2 beautiful girls.  I am not sure what he wants.  His freedom I suspect.  He tells me that he does not love himself.  Has even talked about suicide. 

 

5 yrs ago the same senerio happened.  I was pregnant with second at the time.  I toke my then 2 yr old and moved to my mothers in order to give him his space.  I find myself playing the same game again.

 

This time however is a little different.  He is a recovering alcoholic.  He has now been drinking.  Before he would do it if I was not arround.  Now he has come home drunk a few times and I am having a hard time dealing with all of this.

 

He is now sleeping on the couch in the play room.  See financialy neither of us can afford to go in 2 seperate directions.  But I will be talking to a financial planner in hopes to get this figured out.....as well as a lawyer to see where I have to go with that.  Anyways I will go to bed and he will come up and sit on the edge and talk with me.  A few nights we even slept together.  I am not sure if it is just lust or if there is more.

 

He also finaly admitted that there is something that happened to him when he was a child.  He does not remember much but dreams of it at night and wakes up in sweat and very angry.  He has never hurt us on the outside.................but emotionaly I am drained.  I think my kids are as well.

 

As I write this I feel confident that I will be ok.  I am just so angry and bitter and sad.  Needless to say scared.  Raising 2 little girls by myself is going to be something..............and I have not a lot of resources.  I have no other sibbling, and even though my parents are there for me and my girls and will do anything they can........I can not really talk with them.  As far as friends go I have aquentince's...........nothing concrete.

 

So I am looking for a helping hand.  Maybe someone who has gone through this.  I am going on stress leave from work cause it has affected it as well.  A few weeks to help me get things organised in my home and in my mind.

 

Thanks for letting me mubble and let some things out.

Tania Lynne

tlmac@sendoutcards.com

My husband and i have several fights daily. I dont know why he treats me the way he does. He calls me names, choses his friends over me, and laughes at me when he makes me cry. I dont know if the military made him like this or what is going on. It used to never be like this untill he joined the military and learned all types of nasty and grose habits and comments. He gave me this excuse saying that if he had porm on his computer at the barrack that the sargent would not check his room, or would get distracted by the porn and nude pic of teen girls. Now that doesnt sound right does it? Someone that is supposed to teach your son, husband, or relitive that has joined the forces these bad things? We pay taxes for the sargents to watch porn on our husbands and kids laptops? but i guess thats how they do things in the military. i dont know.....does anyone know? if so please inform me.

 My husband and i have been having a lot of problems for quite some time and things are just getting worse. My husband told me over july 4th that all we do is fight and sometimes in front of our daughter that he does not love or care for me anymore and wants a divorce.So now it comes down to it he threatened me one night that i could have everything in the house except our daughter and his guns and that really was a slap in the face. i want to take my daughter to another state where my parents live before the divorce is final but i need to talk to a lawyer first as to what i can do and how. I do not make enough money to have even one household to support and i just think it would be better to just sell some things and move somewhere else. i would love to talk to you more about what you are going through and tell you more about mine. You can e-mail me at Jeweloffspring@yahoo.com anytime.

I would think that because your husband has fell off the wagon and returned to his addiction is one of the reasons why his depresion, thoughts of suicide, questioning his love for you is all surfacing,  He's basically beating himself up emotionally which is quite common with addicts.  Unfortunately, you being his wife and the closest one to him pays the price as well. 

Alcoholism is a family disease, nobody escapes unharmed.  The stress of living with an addict is more than most of us can handle but there is support available to you through AlAnon.  You don't have to be living with him to attend the meetings.  Regardless of the outcome of your marriage you will have to deal with him and his disease for the rest of your life as there are children involved.  AlAnon can help and it's a wonderful place to be to listen, talk and learn.

 

I absolutely would tell his best friend and family of his suicide thoughts. Addicts can be very unpredictable when abusing their choice of drug.  He seems to be dealing with an issue from his childhood as well which is all the more reason to let his family/friends know.  I have first hand experience on this issue unfortunately.  My ex's brother who was an alcoholic threatenend suicide and we all just thought it was talk until he did take his own life at 24 years old. 

 

I would allow your husband some space but absolutely let him know you care for him and you will be available to talk to him whenever he needs.  I'm not sure if he was in AA prior to this but if he was and he did have  sponsor, call his sponsor and let him know as well.   Ask him to start meetings and seek a therapist so that he can talk this through.  And then you have to start taking care of yourself and your kids emotionally. Try to open up lines of communication with your parents as well.  Don't hold back from them, ask for emotional support for you and the kids.

 

I know what you are going through as I am the child of an alcoholic and I dated 2 alcoholics for over 15 years (You think I would have learned my lesson!) AlAnon helped me temendously, reading everything I could get my hands on about alcoholism helped me to understand the disease)  My ex was clean and sober for 7 years until his brother committed suicide and then all hell broke loose.  He has never recovered from that loss and still drinks to this day (13 years later)  What I'm trying to say is that alcoholics tend to wallow in self pity, not to say that they do not have good reason to be depressed but they think that drinking their sorrows away will help but it only sinks them further into depression.   

 

Sandy

P.S.  I'll send you my email address if you need to talk.